i so stoic;
moved only by the grace of god
almighty and willing/
by my own similar, fiery infrequent
whims and desires

i cannot decide if i am the river
so run with emotion
if i am the marble goddess
devoid of all feeling

but i am always only ever
unapologetically myself
a tesla coil of a woman

light refracts on my eyes but i cannot
seem to see any color
i look at life through the
loosely screened eyes of a dog
unable to express what i see
i bark at stark darkness
i whimper into the bitter
heartless unknown
i am nothing but a vessel holding
numbered breaths. with trouble owning
my hands over any sort of control

i will eventually
go beyond the outer reaches
run out of reasons
to stick around
like an ocean over filled one drop
too many i will spill one seed to many
i will rip and my brain will tear
onto the floor i can see it now. i can see
the blood

i wade in so heavy and i cannot swim
i did not fight back i let him take me
this time where no one can reach for me
where i cannot bring myself up
for my arms are made of something
weak and spineless
who said kindness
even exists, i die
where no one can help me
i saw it in my father's eyes
like a prophecy

you are all mouth and i cannot
see beyond my hands which seem
to shake so heavily they might
fall off and run away
my nose and ears fell off my face
so long ago and i cannot listen
or cannot smell danger,i crawl
an animal yearns for relief of pain

nothing else makes as much
sense as disappearing
when you want to die nothing else
seems to matter
its the first thought every morning
and when i go to bed  
when you want to die nothing much matters
and every escape route leads to death

it's 3:00 a.m it seems inevitable
i hurry to meet the maker
it won't be long now i don't have much time
i tidy the house i sweep my books that
no gram of dust ever befall them
my beloved stacks of paper
i am waiting for a visitor,
impatiently
that he might lead me nowhere-
into nothingness

even i at times do wonder so
if i am the one at fault
still i see the lines we drew though
i know i played my part

so heavy is the weight i feel
as i feel you go
life goes on and takes those things
someday i'll call it growth

i cannot seem to mend this
no matter how i try
the closer i seem to get to you
the more you say goodbye

what strength of mine is left when you
are further all the time?

i; megalomaniac
my ego so wrung with pride
my psyche, broken psyche
swallowed by hell- but still mine
a string of hazy days, my days
shattered yet sublime

convinced god has touched me
with his forefingers on my forehead
bestowed some sort of end to me
an aim to follow till i'm dead
filled my eyes with dreams
set greatness on my head

Olympus holds my dreams for me
in great heights, in silver light
but i a river Styx, am drowned
i cannot see wrong from right
so every dream of mine is pain
and never seems quite right

i, great egotist
delusion gone so far
that i would think myself a giantess
eighty eight hundred feet tall
i yell upon the mountain
tears streaming as i bawl
high up in the clouds i be
thus longer is my fall