i slip away from you
therefore i think i must be made of water
it is common for the dying man to turn to god
it happens often

lungs inside jars fill up with water
i am forced to breathe -     inexblicably!
i take a breath i am forced to open my eyes
a cardboard box, a matress with no stains on it
blue plastic, the edge of something sharp in the
corner of a room, i had forgotten
teeth marks on wood, i touch the ceiling
mold grows on the window pane; a threat
dust comes in through the screen door in
a living room sheathed in carpet

in the pool i breathed in too heavy the back of my
mouth stings and tastes so heavy of chloride
    i take a ride in a car, his car, your car, some car
somewhere i cannot remember
            i am
         so forgetful
             i am
        so good at remembering and you would think i
memorized everything, knees on padded benches
smell of incense i beg god not to tear you from
my arms i beg god i beg god yes he listened
i let go on my own and then i stopped praying

the dying man thinks of water,
it happens often
it is common for the drowning man to think of God

        and i  have seen him beg he begs he begs so hard
he shakes on the ground his organs on the outside
of his body, he wears a mask to work, to school
to church,  a mask with small holes for the eyes
he whistles "whoooooooo" who? Who? WHO?
he gets no answer from the mirror so then he turns
to ask god and god grabs his big book and
lets it fall on his head and he says now can
you hear me? the man nods, he feels pain
yes daddy, i see, i see it so clear now
papa, he cries, his head all ******
god is satisfied he says yes my child
the clouds soak up his blood like big cotton *****

         he takes off the mask he whistles
who? Who? WHO?
            he gets an answer

i slip away from you
therefore i think i must be made of water
it is common for the dying man to turn to God
it happens often

I know you don't like this long format
I know you like it better when I rhyme
but just listen this once
hope you like it this time

I was sending you this poem
I wrote two weeks ago
I started typing out this message
thought I'd let you know

I know I'm so difficult sometimes
I know I get you worried
but I'm really glad you're around
this poem's really hurried

thanks for reading everything
i throw into the abyss
for loving all my good parts
and tolerating the bad bits

I'm glad you always listen
I love having you around
isn't that funny how I trust you
more than anyone right now

never really talk about what keeps me up at night
and when i do i repeat to myself it's alright
its funny to think when people see me they say
how talented and special and great all the way
i say i have work and that there's plenty to do
that's real i'm so busy but really it's only half true
the other half is this; if only you knew
if they peeled at my skin how they'd find only blue
this close to the end, this close to the crash
the color of smoke and the color of ash
it's crazy to think i'm okay when they ask
the enthusiastic smile on my face is not just a mask
and it's true when i say it it's not just a lie
one moment i'm laughing next second i cry

and it seems everyone's got the answers to everything i feel
good then i'll try this one, see if i get now fixed for real
get a new hobby, stop listening to all the sad songs
stop bathing in my sadness its unhealthy and wrong
stop being so stubborn stop laughing so loud
stop being outspoken and crazy and proud
i'm half a genius, it's half a weakness
one part too heavy the other is bleakness
and i never never stay quiet about any secrets
i spill it all without thought then i pick up the pieces
needless to say i'm a big fan of realness
ask and i'll tell you who's got me so sleepless
i can't help it i swear i want to get better
i don't want this to go on another second, not ever

its so scary to say things out loud and in words
set them all free from the cage like some birds
admit about anger, self inflicted, suicidal thoughts
panic attacks and self loathing, my stomach is knots
words linger empty i see it in their face
it scares them but not enough to step in my place
when the gloom and the fear i carry around in my belly
is scarier than you think, it gets so **** heavy
they all say they get it i'm skeptical at best
not enough to say it out loud or get it off my chest
no idea who to turn to or with who to talk
rather keep it in, say nothing, and safe with a lock
still I reach for everyone cause i'm lonely its crazy
and the days go by so clouded and broken and hazy

its funny to think on the outside it seems i do fine
only melancholy, if they knew i was running out of time
writing all these poems repeating myself over and over
i write it all down cause i'm looking for closure
throwing out these papers as i fall into the abyss
scratch with the nails my only pleasure is this
how does no one notice i'm this close to going?
am i really so good at hiding is it really not showing?
pastel pink on the outside that's all that they know
but it's getting dark in here and everyday its so cold
i hide myself somewhere i can feel i'm alone

I don't think I'm heading anywhere good at all
I whisper while I'm crying I say the words so small
so scared now so scared now I say as I crawl
its been seven weeks now I really thought that you'd call
now I'm breathing so heavy and flying so fast
if this goes on any further I don't think I will last
now my thoughts here are blurring I can't remember what I said
but I remember how I banged my fists against my head
what I really wanted was to smash my head on the wall
see what would drip open is there anything there at all?
feeling like humpty dumpty with all the kings horses and men
won't put me back together either the only question is WHEN
i've developed a chronic headache it hurts so much to think
and I'm sorta craving sugar or coal or maybe a drink
that could intoxicate me and destroy me and turn me to dust
fix all the sharp angles and feed into my lust
get ****** now by three men or fifteen or twenty
I don't care now I know it'd feel good that'd be plenty
and if they use me and hurt me and leave me to die
it'd make no difference, thats even better in my mind
wait now I think I'm getting better, I have the world at my feet
the colors God made the universe with are so sweet
and it's in my hands now in fact it drips off of my fingers
I think I see his vision in my mind now, it lingers
driving me forward and faster towards the burning red
wait go back it's tomorrow and now I can't get out of bed
supposed to see you tonight, guess what I'll do instead?
sit there hardly breathing don't worry you go on ahead
it's fine though its sadness it's healthy and real
it's really quite normal to feel how I feel
wait again it's midnight I think I wade in too heavy
I think I know this place I think I've been here already
now I'm thinking of dying and I'm thinking of why
I haven't done it already I think this time I'll try
my skin is so tight around my body I want to get out
God left me no plan it's all abandonment and doubt
but actually I think I'm strong enough in fact
to get it together and clean up my act
there's this house in my dreams, a home I want to build
there's no stopping me actually cause I'm really so skilled
can't believe I could ever really want to do myself in
in fact I have so much to live for, it'd really be a sin
to end my life and throw away all this talent
not a single person alive like me on this planet
its not even lonely its not scary at all
wait I just remembered its been another week where's your call
are you doing alright? cause I'm loosing my head
my brain drips out of my eyes onto the bedspread

towards the sound of your voice I walk with blind eyes
   full of delusion and senseless and desper-ate cries

i lose hope every day and it's not all your fault
for i lose hope in it all the miser-y does not halt

and yet it still hurts me yes it is true
for you to be so far away from me,
for me to miss you

at a distance immeasurable I see you once more
with eye-opening clarity and still - I reach for-
your hand at the edge of the room on the door
from where I watch you leave as I lay on the floor

from a distance that I cannot breach with my hands
I cultivate fear as if - I was sowing the lands
seeds of trust, seeds of love I flung into the air
with sweat on my brow I reap only despair

at a space no longer measured in years or in distance
only the constant inconvenience of my persistent persistence
no longer joy for you and only a burden
you may say what you like but of this I am certain-

I reach for a friend from my hole in the ground
from the voice of my friend I hear absolutely no sound
at a distance immeasurable I see you walk past
from where I cannot reach you,  from where I die at long last