I stare at you
Every morning
As I wonder
If it’s worth
Getting ready.

I stare at you
Every night
As I question
Myself why
I’m even here.

You embody everything
That is negative —
The feelings of helplessness,
Hopelessness, worthlessness
And thoughts of self harm.

Every time I see you
My chest tightens
And my heart is heavy,
And I feel like someone
Left the faucet on

As the tears form in my
Eyes and as they flow
Down my face and
I can taste the pain
That you’ve brought

To me and into my life —
All the missed events
With friends and family,
The precious seconds
That I could’ve spent

By myself,
Improving my sense of
Self worth and what I
Can bring to society and
Most importantly to myself.

But instead I stand there
Looking into your dark,
Black, empty eyes as
You stare back at me
And I feel my soul being

Taken out of my body
And my heart being twisted
By your dark, cold hands
With your nails digging
Deeper and deeper until I bleed.

You shove my head into
The toilet bowl like back
In high school until I gasp
For air every time I come up
And I suffocate with

Every breath because the
Air I breathe in is the same
Air that your breathe out
And it’s toxic and poisonous
Like the air our great grandfathers

Breathed back in World War I
Mustard gas they called it.
I call it by another name
But they have the same
Effects and I call it Life.

You stare at me with your
Cold eyes and I can feel
My heart, my soul let out
An endless cry as you plunge
The knife deeper and deeper.

You whisper into my ears
That I should say good bye
To the world forever because
My friends and family are better
Off without me.

You snicker loudly as I hold
The knife against my wrists
Shaking with fear and regret
With tears flowing my cheeks
And I cowardly make shallow


Cuts until I begin to bleed
But then I stopped myself
Because I realized who you are,
I recognized the face staring back
At me as I stare at you.

You copy everything I do,
Every move I make,
Every word I speak
And every thought I think
You are my reflection.

Dear life,
Can we start over?
Let’s go back to the beginning
Before this **** ever happened?

Before my life became an
Endless rollercoaster
Before I’m constantly
Walking in a pit of quick sand.

Let’s start over
And go back to the time
When I’m never “tired”
Every...single...*******...day.

Before I needed IV black coffee
Before I needed IV fluids
Constantly because I’m tired
Physically, emotionally, mentally

Before all these feelings of
Hopelessness, helplessness
Worthlessness
Consumed my heart every day

Before all the thoughts of
Su...
Sui...
Calling it a night

Before all the thoughts of
Saying good night forever
Before I put my hands up
And throw the towel in

Because I’m tired of life
I’m fed up,
I’m overwhelmed,
And I’m over it.

We’re through...
Our relationship is over...
It’s not me...
It’s definitely you.

Can we start over life?
And go back to where
Every thing was simple again?
Where I was smiling and

Laughing more often than now?
Where nothing in the world can
Bring me down mentally, emotionally,
Because I’m in my safe, happy place.

Can we go back to where
Life was simpler, easier than it is now
Where I had no worries or concerns
And I just live for the moments?

Dear life,
Can we pretend that none
Of this ever happened
And start over?

I see you every time
I close my eyes
And I can’t seem to
Get you outta my mind.

The constant flow of tears
Down my cheeks and the
Tears forming in my eyes
Year after year reminds me

Of all the pain you’ve
Brought me
And all the pain
I’ve brought to myself

Trying to deal with
Your ******* but
No matter how hard I try
You’re stuck in my mind

Like duct tape and
Every time I try to peel
You off smoothly
You cut deeper until

I bleed more like
A child picking at
His scab over
And over again

Even though his mom tells
Him to stop every time but
He keeps doing it because
It annoys the hell outta him

And picking at the scab
Makes the itchiness go away
For only a second and then
The itchiness, the urge comes back

And you can’t help but
Scratch it again until
It bleeds again and until
You need to scratch it again.

You are my heart’s scab that
Annoys the hell outta me and
I can’t help but scratch it and
Pick at it until my heart bleeds

Thoughts racing like F1,
Heart melting like ice cream
On a hot summer afternoon,
Mind overwhelmed like
A first kiss.

Thoughts of hopeless,
Helplessness,
Worthlessness
Racing through my head
And all I can say is...

I’m...
Fine.
I’m fine.
I don’t know what else
To say.

My heart’s pounding outta
My chest,
Tears filling my eyes
And flowing down my face
And all I can say is...

I’m...
Fine.
I’m fine.
I’m *******...
Fine.

Staring blanking ahead
As everyone and everything
Speed past me
As I struggle to just
Get by.

I’m struggling every second
Just to understand why
I’m even here this very second
Because deep down I know
I’ll never survive alone because

I’m...
Fine?
I’m fine?
Am I really fine?
**** that.

I tell my friends and family
That I’m “fine”
But deep down in my heart
And in my soul
I’m crying.

I’m drowning every second
And I can’t even swim
With raw emotions and thoughts
Of nothing by negativity
That I throw my hands up

And say I’m done with this ****.
I tell y’all that I’m fine
But I’m screaming at
The top of my lungs
Someone save me!

Someone ******* save me
From this endless nightmare
That is taking control of me
Emotionally, mentally,
Socially.

My life is a giant pit of
Quicksand
And no matter how hard
I try to fight it and escape
I sink deeper and deeper

Until I can’t breathe anymore
And I suffocate by all my raw
Emotions and thoughts
And with every gasp of air
I shout in my head “save me!”

No man has to walk
Alone
Fending off his demons
By himself

Trying to suppress the
Voices
In his head as they mute
His own

And controlling his thoughts
And emotions
To the point where he feels
Like he can’t go on.

All the negativity floods
His mind
And he feels overwhelmed
That he just wants to fall

And doesn’t wanna be lifted
Back up again
Because he’s had enough of
This cruel world.

Wandering aimlessly alone with
All the emotions
Of hopelessness, helplessness,
Worthlessness

He wonders if anyone out there
Will help him
But he’s too scared, ashamed,
To reach out,

To ask for help,
To talk to someone
About whatever demons
He’s fighting within.

No man has to battle his
Demons alone
Because we know what he’s
Going through.

We’ve been there many
Times
And we’ve fallen many times
But we got back up,

Dusted ourselves off,
And continued fighting
Our battles and not
Giving up no matter what.

We know what you’re going
Through
And we’re your biggest
Supporters and cheerleaders.

No man has to travel this path
Alone.
We got your six...
We got your six.

I don’t know what
To do when my
Mind races and
My heart pounds.

When voices become
Entangled in my head
And control my thoughts
And my emotions.

I begin to feel
Overwhelmed,
I feel worthless,
Helpless and hopeless.

I begin to feel
Depressed.
I hate everything
And everyone.

I want to...
I want to sleep.
Sleep until my mind
Becomes clearer.

Sleep until I can
Think straight again,
Until I feel...
Normal.

I wish I can say
Good night
To my friends and
My family.

I wish I can look
In the mirror and
Say good night
To myself.

I lay in bed and
Close my eyes
But I just can’t
Sleep.

I don’t wanna say
Good night.
I don’t wanna
Sleep.

I wanna stay
Awake
And fight my
Battles.

I wanna stay here
And continue my
Journey
To where I wanna be.

I wanna stay
Fighting
For what I
Believe in.

I wanna stay and
Finish
What I started
Before all this happened.

Staying is all
I have left
Because giving up
Is never an option.

Staying and fighting
Is better than
Giving up and
Not fighting at all.

Never give up,
Never give in.
Lift yourself up
And continue fighting.

Tell yourself to
Stay
And fight on.
I choose to stay.

I’m imperfect.
I’m damaged,
Flawed,
“Diseased”.
I’ve done things that I’m not
Proud of.
I’ve failed more times than
I want to admit.
I hate myself,
I’m overwhelmed,
I’m tired,
Burnt out.
I don’t wanna do this
Anymore.
I want to throw my hands
Up and give up.
I want to close my eyes
And sleep,
Sleep until I become
Numb
To the world,
The negativity of
Everything,
Everyone,
Myself.
Sleep until I’m finally
Happy.
I’m imperfect.
But I am who
I am.
My imperfections make me
The person I am,
The person I’ll become.
I’m empathetic,
Loving,
Caring,
Special.
I’m happy,
Loved,
Supported,
Embraced.
I was a student but now
I’m a teacher to others
With my imperfections
And my story.

Am I imperfect?
Nope.
Am I perfect?
Yea...ok
Hello world,
My name is
David Chin
And I’m...
I’m...
Imperfectly perfect.