she’s tired of having to explain herself over and over again. what she wants isn’t all that much, but for some odd reason guys just can’t seem to grasp the concept.
she acts as if she has everything together. she makes it known she’s as strong as the black, independent woman her mother tells her she is. however, this might only be true because she’s convinced herself to believe such things.
the reality is she’s fearful. she’s more afraid of love, than death. afraid to get attached to another. so she distracts herself with this one and that one, that way she is unable to constantly think of anyone in particular.
she fears the possibility of having to hurt one, more than getting hurt by “the one”. she’s persuaded herself that relationships aren’t for her and she’s believed it for so long it is a mindset that cannot be change...it's her default setting.
but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t cry herself to sleep some nights, or didn’t feel alone- too alone. she’d be lying if she said she didn’t wish to feel understood or wanted. truth is, that’s all she’s ever wanted and all she can’t seem to come across.
maybe it’s simply not her time and she gets that. but she’s weary from this lonesome world she lives in, and at the same time weary from having to put up with ******* she chooses to entertain just for the sake of being entertained.
she’s gone through things no one knows very much about. depression, anxiety, traumatic events in her life…she has a problem where she can’t go without talking to someone. anyone. she’s held herself in captivity for too long, it frightens her to be alone. she knows it’s pretty pathetic, but it’s true. it’s unfortunate to know she intentionally gets herself into situations not for their sake, but for her own.
if she is in a relationship, something happens where one minute she’s completely and utterly in love with you, she could never stand the thought of anything going wrong. then the next, she wakes up one morning and those feelings are nowhere to be found. one minute she wants you more than oxygen, the next she could go days without feeling the urge to talk to the lover who is left drowning in a ocean of confusion.
it’s a scary thing for her, though it’s happened twice. she hates hurting those who care for her. but it would be unfair to further lie about feelings that are no longer present. i guess you could say she’s hesitant of herself. she refuses her own emotions. they’re so unexpected, unpredictable… she’s accepted the fact that you can love, and not be “in love”.
eventually, she begins to wish she wasn’t in a relationship at all. when men question her status, she simply replies with, “relationships aren’t for me.” but could this be true? perhaps it is she who isn’t built for them. how could this be so when she craves attention, desires companionship more than anything else?
she wants to stay up all hours of the night talking to one person and one person only; someone who could never stop telling her how beautiful she is, someone who believes in her when she fails to have the strength to believe in herself, someone who makes her laugh lines more pronounced as time goes on, someone who prays for her more than themselves. someone of open-mindedness, optimism, and adventure. someone who knows what it is he seeks, why he seeks it and how to make it His.
deep down inside she wants that. but there is a layer of uncertainty around that hidden part of her that acts as a barrier. this is so nothing ever comes in, and most importantly, nothing ever comes out.
- d.berry