I drive fast
faster than I know I should
I do so for the thought of death
makes me feel alive
Because a waist of time is a waist of breath

I stare at the scarf she hung
around my rear view mirror
and I think of her driving
her refusal to wear her seat belt
Even after she slammed into that fence
And without seatbelt
Was hurled right through that windshield


I drive fast even after I slammed into that tree
The tree that would of been avoided
had I not been 40 above the speed limit and
going around those hair pin turns

Driving fast and reckless
forces her into my mind
restores my fading connection to her
she makes me feel alive
she is no waist of breath

I stare into the ripple in still water
I take one last breath
I push my self into its epicenter

As I slip beneath the surface
I panic
flailing my arms and legs
for I cannot swim
But the water seems to expand
as it engulfs me
The water greets my eyes
and I see clearly

my muscles relax
My legs fuse together
My feet grow flat and wide

I am running out of oxygen
But I feel the benevolence
all around me.
I trust myself
Opening my mouth wide
water rushes down my throat
into my lungs
and out the freshly forming slits on my neck

I swim
I swim
I swim

what a perfect escape
no need to return to the surface
not for any air
not for any person
In these ripples of still water
I can simply be
who I have chosen to be

there  is no single word
for the feelings I felt
each emotion
consumed my mind
and my body
I resonated
the spirit love
I was the incarnation
of happiness and joy

all despair transformed
into jovial laughter
all tears
made of of sugar water
Unfading smiles
painted on our faces

She sought my forgiveness
but I denied her
the one who I loved
had hurt me so much

She was the cause
reason for my discontent
for the metastasis
of the animosity
that was a tumor inside my being
malignant and growing

Love and hatred
dissolved in each other
so when she told me she was sorry
that she loved me
that she wanted me back
I couldn’t accept her
I wanted to punish her
for her to feel the pain and illness
inside me which I held her responsible for

But time goes on
my hatred faded
my love stayed intact
I came to find
I had only punished myself
hurt myself further
each time I time I pushed her away
I dug my pit deeper

Now I stand at the bottom
of my expansive crevasse
staring up at the love I once knew
and could still have
if I had only forgiven her when she first asked

Words
larger then the letter
which make them up
their meaning
their essence
far more expansive
then their definition

each word
the condensed state
of the idea they represent

People
far more complex
than the body
our worldly manifestation

every person
a condensed state
of who they are

like words
our bodys are simply
vessels
of entities and essences
too expansive for this world
fore everything is greater than it seems

Without hope
what do we have
no matter how low we are
if we believe we can rise
we will

But what happens hope traps us
when the hope is false
when the hope I have that someday soon
You’ll see that you belong with me
keeps me from moving on
Prevents me from loving others
When the hope that I can make you happy
is destroying my own happiness

When hope turns to self deceit
When hope becomes part of your unintentional manipulation
When hope, once the one thing I lived for
is driving me mad
slowly killing me

Every day I wait
is just another day waisted
yet Im caught in a web indecision
I fear that If I initiate the change
the change I think I want
when It comes to be reality
it wont be as I thought
and that change I'll come to regret

So the fear consumes me
paralyses me, ***** me dry
just as a spider does to a fly
so what the **** am I to do
I'm being stretched like a rubber band
soon I must snap

Is It worth it

Those who scavenge the fields for lost souls
Look for those as lost as they
As scared as they
A soul w ith which to unite
A soul to bring their life a light
Those who live on the edge of doubt
Eternally trapped in the oppressive voids of their mind
Held captive by self apprehension
Harassed by self ridicule
Never to experience the euphoria of near tangible love

Yet if they never take that leap of faith
They’ll never crash into the ground
Never endure the crippling despair
Of rejection and abandonment,
Of failure and hopelessness
...of worthlessness

Those who can’t push them self
Over the edge of doubt
Will be safe safe yet alone

Until their soul is far too lost
Deep within the fields
Wandering in the high grass

for the hours
we were all there is
nothing existed
out side of that room.
evan if anything did
it held no significance

as I looked at you
and you looked at me
I knew
you felt what I thought
I though how you were feeling

out side of our reality
there was nothing
only we mattered
for us everything was perfect
those movements were devine
I wished it could be like that for ever
but of course  it couldn't
things had to return to normal

Victim to my truest vice once more
Fallen under its influence
a crippling addiction
Ive seen where this path takes me
a place of damnation
self loath
and despair
A crippled state
of isolation.

But I love the journey
Despite the rechednes
of the undesired destination
The thrills, the adventure
The love, the passion.

Im speaking of no substance
no pill
nor powder
This vice of which I will eternally
find my self ensnared
Is the sound of her voice
The connection I still feel
The longing for her love

There was a time
Not so long ago
I held my head a little higher
I felt more inspired
The little things never brought me down
nothing would nock me to the ground
My mind was on my spirit
I was finding my self, I could feel it
I was connected, in tune, in harmony

Now I'm out of touch
Isolated from my self
From my spirit
My mind tortures my body
Im losing control
Anger surges inside me
Hatred for my self
Resentment of those around me
Distain of passers by

Something destructed
the alteration from last year to this
is killing me
most would say
“I got my life
on the right track”
but its not the right track for me

my nights of running through forests and bogs
from security guards and cops
and stumbling into my room late at night
not know how  I got home
have faded away
the animus of the party
replaced by a nothingness
by a drull, by routine
like a drought
my life is drained
of excitement and adventure.

The thought of her comes across my mind
So I drive to her house
staring at her scarf hung around my rear view mirror the whole way
she steps into my car
we drive straight to sanborn street

I keep my head down low
as I wait for the man with the blow
he walks over to us with a swag
gets in the car and hands me the bag
each time he says be safe

I hold the bag close to my nose and take a wiff
of that wonderful gasoline smell
then she cuts a line for each of us to sniff
the powder rises through the straw
instantly I make a face of awe
as my lips and tongue go numb

energy and benevolence surges through me
as negativity and despair purges itself

I lift my head and see her face, see her eyes
the love, the unity I feel for her
causes my high to intensify

I know this drug would be so much less to me
if I was alone, not blowing lines with her
this high would be so much less without her love

Its a year later
the same man
the ghost from before
I see now
full of life
like a remastered disney movie

skin now with color
spirit reinvigorated
words with meaning
thoughts other then escape
desires deeper
than the bliss he sought after
from before

but his eyes remain the same
his pupils
battered and bruised
they say more than he says

his eyes remain in the past
shackled by what he was
unrestorable
like an over exposed negative


Im still working on this, ide be happy to here critiques

The universe
With all its mystery
Everything constructed
with infinite complexity
Yet comes together
with such simplicity

There's the stars
and there's the sun
Giving us light and warming the earth
From this the plants came forth
They live their life
Giving us the oxygen
Upon which we rely
Now the planets inhabitable
But we must become collaboratble

So respect the earth
From it we came forth
love the air
and the ground
love every person
every plant
love every part of this great planet

Watching my friends drop out of school
Seeing them get sent away
Watching as they run away; slip away

Watching my friends almost die
Seeing them want to die
Watching as they slowly **** themselves

Watching my friends fall victim to old habits
See them fallow in each other's foot steps
Watching as they form new habits

Watching myself
do all these things
my friends do too

traveling on my own no longer have a home
got nothing to my name but a ticket for the train
I see you sitting  there all alone
buming for change
upon on a milk crate throne
I want no money
want no fame
all I wanna do is to be with you.

come on lets go
we can postpone the future
so we can have ourselves a grand adventure
just you and me we can travel the world
before every bit of it gets ******* sold
if we get lost we can find our selves
lets live a bit slower so we never grow older


you say you rather be all alone
you think you're better off on your own
give me a chance, I’ll prove you wrong
the trains gonna leave
believe in me I'll believe in you
just come with me you’ll have no regret
and the rough past I promise you’ll forget

If every atom of my being was once that of another
and when i die
they will become atoms of another
than i have had near infinite lives
and will have nearly infinite more

if my conscious
is formed by chemical signals in my brain
each chemical made of atoms
atoms shared between beings
than my conscious is made of others
and others will be made of mine

since no matter, no energy
is created nor destroyed
than my energy and the matter of my body
is constructed of the universe
and all being’s energy and matter
is constructed of the universe

I am one with this universe
we are all one with this universe
every bit of my conscious
is one with the universe
all consciousness
is one with the universe
my body and all bodies are one with the universe

What were you thinking
when you stuck that needle in her arm
weeks ago
the arm of the who cares for you
and loves you
she trusted you with her life

how could you welcome her into this path
accept her into your ****** up web
without hesitation

did the drugs in your veins blind you to the fact
that you lit the flame of addiction
in the girl you say you love

now that girl is in the hospital
your the one who cooked the dope
who drew it into the syringe
pierced her arm
and pushed the plunger
yet shes the one now laying in the hospital bed
the one who stopped breathing

what the **** were you thinking