What were you thinking
when you stuck that needle in her arm
weeks ago
the arm of the who cares for you
and loves you
she trusted you with her life

how could you welcome her into this path
accept her into your ****** up web
without hesitation

did the drugs in your veins blind you to the fact
that you lit the flame of addiction
in the girl you say you love

now that girl is in the hospital
your the one who cooked the dope
who drew it into the syringe
pierced her arm
and pushed the plunger
yet shes the one now laying in the hospital bed
the one who stopped breathing

what the **** were you thinking

Is It worth it

Those who scavenge the fields for lost souls
Look for those as lost as they
As scared as they
A soul w ith which to unite
A soul to bring their life a light
Those who live on the edge of doubt
Eternally trapped in the oppressive voids of their mind
Held captive by self apprehension
Harassed by self ridicule
Never to experience the euphoria of near tangible love

Yet if they never take that leap of faith
They’ll never crash into the ground
Never endure the crippling despair
Of rejection and abandonment,
Of failure and hopelessness
...of worthlessness

Those who can’t push them self
Over the edge of doubt
Will be safe safe yet alone

Until their soul is far too lost
Deep within the fields
Wandering in the high grass

The thought of her comes across my mind
So I drive to her house
staring at her scarf hung around my rear view mirror the whole way
she steps into my car
we drive straight to sanborn street

I keep my head down low
as I wait for the man with the blow
he walks over to us with a swag
gets in the car and hands me the bag
each time he says be safe

I hold the bag close to my nose and take a wiff
of that wonderful gasoline smell
then she cuts a line for each of us to sniff
the powder rises through the straw
instantly I make a face of awe
as my lips and tongue go numb

energy and benevolence surges through me
as negativity and despair purges itself

I lift my head and see her face, see her eyes
the love, the unity I feel for her
causes my high to intensify

I know this drug would be so much less to me
if I was alone, not blowing lines with her
this high would be so much less without her love

Watching my friends drop out of school
Seeing them get sent away
Watching as they run away; slip away

Watching my friends almost die
Seeing them want to die
Watching as they slowly **** themselves

Watching my friends fall victim to old habits
See them fallow in each other's foot steps
Watching as they form new habits

Watching myself
do all these things
my friends do too

I drive fast
faster than I know I should
I do so for the thought of death
makes me feel alive
Because a waist of time is a waist of breath

I stare at the scarf she hung
around my rear view mirror
and I think of her driving
her refusal to wear her seat belt
Even after she slammed into that fence
and almost killed herself  because that seat belt
was not there to prevent her from being hurled into wind shield

I drive fast even after I slammed into that tree
The tree that would of been avoided
had I not been 40 above the speed limit
going around those hair pin turns

Driving fast and reckless
forces her into my mind
restores my fading connection to her
she makes me feel alive
she is no waist of breath

Victim to my truest vice once more
Fallen under its influence
a crippling addiction
Ive seen where this path takes me
a place of damnation
self loath
and despair
A crippled state
of isolation.

But I love the journey
Despite the rechednes
of the undesired destination
The thrills, the adventure
The love, the passion.

Im speaking of no substance
no pill
nor powder
This vice of which I will eternally
find my self ensnared
Is the sound of her voice
The connection I still feel
The longing for her love

Without hope
what do we have
no matter how low we are
if we believe we can rise
we will

But what happens hope traps us
when the hope is false
when the hope I have that someday soon
You’ll see that you belong with me
keeps me from moving on
Prevents me from loving others
When the hope that I can make you happy
is destroying my own happiness

When hope turns to self deceit
When hope becomes part of your unintentional manipulation
When hope, once the one thing I lived for
is driving me mad
slowly killing me