It might have been simplest to end it before it began but we are well past that point.

And we could have gotten out before anyone gets hurt but that prospect is at best unlikely.

Perhaps we can still get out of this alive...

You could argue it was a mistake to meet your parents...

It would have been simpler to not fall in love...

But here we are...

We might as well hold on...

There's a lot of thought that goes into three simple words.
You learn them when you are young but the gravity of using them correctly haunts you into adulthood.
In english these are words that you would use to describe a parent or a tree and the meaning doesn't really change but the weight these words hold are different now than they were when you meant then towards a relative or an inanimate object.

you love her... and the scary thing is this idea that she might love you too. and that scares the hell out of you because you have thought you have loved in the past but those other loves have all proven how shallow they truly were and yet you choose to use those same words again to express these new feelings.

Feelings so profound that you swear that this time this is the real deal that you have never felt to intensely about anything before and you think that you never will feel anything so intense ever again. but somewhere there is just enough room for doubt.

maybe you have flelt this before in a more pure and potent form but you take a leap of faith in hopes that while it may not be today but one day you'll know that this is the genuine article...

But yeah maybe it's not... and that scares you but a holy man once told you that without faith love cannot be known and so you believe as hard as you can that this is love... the same love that drove romeo and juliet to their untimely demises and broke kingdoms long before their times...

You don't want this to be a lie... you want to love her with all of your heart... and yeah it'll be hard to do that... but you can do it... keep trying...

ya know, despite everything I think we are doing okay now. Nevertheless we had a rough couple of years... well I know I did.

you know, we were just so ****** young back then and it made all the sense in the world that we would just break up and go our separate ways because the alternative would have been difficult. I remembered you disagreed with me. But my actions were super logical and they made sense I needed to make something out of myself... and you were unable to come with me due to our respective circumstances.

Can you imagine that I had the nerve to think I was being the noble one for leaving. For letting you have your life while I go off and try and get mine in order. I suppose if you met someone and were happy then I suppose that was accomplished... I really hope that is the case... But in truth i was not being noble. I was being this guy that I to some extent still am, the guy that gave up on the person that hands down made me happier than I have ever been before or since...because... I didn't believe that I deserved happiness... not like that...

I am definitely getting my stuff together finally, I'm about to graduate pretty soon with my degree in psychology and hopefully that leads to further degrees and a good job with some benefits and a house and a life that brings me and many others around me happiness...

But even still I know on some level that the driving factor behind everything I do is to prove to myself that I can become a man that deserves you...

So in some bittersweet way I write this to say... Thank You...you made me everything I am today

I guess it would be easier to go through life with zero regrets but some things are worth regretting. We sincerely try our best to keep from making the same mistake over and over again... but our mistakes never really leave us do they?

I guess that would be just too easy if we could just move on. perhaps then I wouldn't dwell on the past mistakes that mean more to me than they mean to anyone else. Maybe I would return to feet and stop begging forgiveness from a person that has since forgotten my name and everything my name once meant. It's starting to make sense that I never needed her forgiveness I just needed to forgive myself.

Perhaps I can let go of the resentment I held for the only one that I let get close enough to matter and in return she became the only one I would let hurt me. I think holding this guard up against anyone who tries to get close just leaves me alone at the end of the day.

I suppose it's a tad late to fix a lot of things that I myself have broken... such is life. but I guess I'm getting to a point in which trying to be a better person isn't terrifying... not saying I am ready to become that better person... but I think I'm getting there...

A song I liked a long time ago was talking about how no one believes in cupid but the easter bunny and santa claus are totally legit and i think it's true because in the face of all of these other abstract concepts love is i think the one we doubt more than any other...

many people asked me over many years what i look for in a woman... and it took a very long time but i figured it out... and i don't have a list of traits but i have developed a mental image of what she would be like...and i knew i had it figured out because i fell head over heels for this girl that is in my mind... i wake up and she is who i think about constantly... people tell me you don't control who you fall in love with... but all i was asking is that she be real...

there aren't any super human traits about her she just has her own thing she is self aware to the extent that she sees her own flaws and tries to become a better person despite those flaws... never once covering them up  but wearing them proudly as a symbol of the life she has led... and i fell in love with her pride... because any conceited mouth breather can show pride in their successes but only she breathes a new life into her failures and makes them shine brighter than any light, natural or otherwise... she is very much human... and she don't even have to have a big *****... just something nice and well proportioned to her body...

i don't know... if i met her...i think that would be it for me... no second questions about it... there'd be no fight i could put up against the fact that i would fall irrevocably in love with her...

It was very kind of you to ask how I am holding up all things considered...

The short answer is that I am okay.

I do not hunger nor do I have thirst... I am warm...and other than the usual aches and discomfort that we all experience I am not in pain...

I have been okay for a very long time it's kind of my way of knowing that I am in that sweet spot of homeostasis I think that's why I ended up leaving because I couldn't remember  being anything other than simply okay...

I don't think I want to be okay...

You remember those adventures we used to have together and you'd always have these crazy ideas that you just needed to hash out...

And I was always there...

In part because I wanted to make sure you were okay but I think a much bigger part of me enjoyed those days so much more because while you were out there living life and occasionally getting hurt but loving every minute of it...

And I felt like part of it...

We kind of grew apart...

The adventures stopped...

And I guess we grew up a little somewhere in that time as well...

Became our own people...

And that was necessary...
    
And the process went okay...
          
And I turned out okay...

I made new friends and they became happy and I tried to be happy and I started dating again and I thought I had it figured out this time but I was just okay with a smile. and then I was looking at her smile and she was happy because of my smile but I wasn't happy...

I was just okay...

But she was happy as far as I could tell and I wanted to protect her happiness because I wanted her to be happy so I kept smiling... and I felt like a liar every time but the truth seemed so wrong... all that mattered was that she was happy

I wanted nothing more than for her to remain happy...

And then I didn't...

And then I left...

So yeah the short answer is that I'm okay...but that ain't the whole story...

I love you...

i wanted to say these words not because i meant them because i am actually not sure what they mean but more because it has been so long since i have said them to anyone...

even now the words sound wrong coming off my lips but i needed to say it none the less because on some level i was sure if i didn't say it now that i would soon forget how to say it at all...

and at the time i know it wasn't true but the will to add truth to these words is very real and honest because i do very much want to love you...

i just hope that it is within my power to actually love you... and mean it...