It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way about anything… and I think I’ve needed this for longer than I care to admit. I thought it was fine that I didn’t feel like I do now but I really just don’t want this to end. For the first time since… before I can remember maybe even longer than that I feel like I have something worth devoting my life to and this sense of purpose feels amazing, exhilarating even….
Now I realize 2 things, first and foremost, as I am close to overstating is that this is better than anything I have ever experienced. Second, sadly you don’t feel the same way… and that hurts. But that’s fine I cannot force you to feel the same emotions that I feel. Furthermore this pain I feel from a love unrequited is significant, it burns in my chest in the most beautiful crimson and at times I fear it will take my life… I feel it could, but the fact that it hasn’t shows it’s benevolent nature.  Yes this benevolent beautiful burning ******* crimson pain born of these feelings I still hold for you. This is life! It may not be pleasant but I can’t say that there is anything better than this. This complex tapestry of emotions… rage sorrow and regret all raise a hand when the role is called and they are very much present… they are presents and they are ******* up every aspect of my Christmas… it’s beautiful how trashed this holiday season has become and with love I will clean up this disaster… regardless of if you are there to see this projects completion…

Lately I have been over taken by a strange urge to high five a sloth. In truth I cannot explain this              
     at least with any sense of legitimacy.

I just feel like it needs to happen.

     When it does it will be like me building a bridge.

Across species?
     Maybe a class or phylum?
           I have not taken biology so i don't know jack about this hierarchy of life business.

          
          
I also feel like sloths can teach us more than we can teach them
     Like our lives are so fast paced
           like a race and we are struggling to get to a finish line
                   That doesn't exist...

Sloths are like slow the **** down...
     It'll be okay...
          You'll get there...
                 I promise.

I kinda think i need that in my life.
     A person...
          or a sloth...
               to just tell me it'll be alright.

I try and be that for so many other people
      But I'm constantly losing my ****
          on the inside.

Like most of the time
     I'm fine
          I can manage life

But that fear of dying
      alone
          unloved
               It's always there
                    In the back of my mind

That can get the upper hand if my guard is down...
     That **** scares me...

It's an irrational fear
     I know that  I am loved by many
            I got buckets of love in this *****
                  makin the Cosby's blush with all this love.

But still this emptiness persist...
     like i am incomplete on some level
          Like i have to fix myself

But I know on a conscious level that..
     I am enough.

But on some other level
     I don't fully believe this...
          And I need someone to tell me this...
               I need to highfive a sloth...

I think I am bad at writing poetry...
unless poems can be a literal retelling of past events...
add a bit more colorful language and some metaphors...
composition books so littered with past events in such painstaking detail
that historians may reference them so learn of our time.
this should probably be a blog...bye

We're done here i cannot carry you around with me anymore...

At least not like this...

Not in the form of guilt for tearing us apart so long ago...

For making you cry...

I need to let this go...

Even if it has been the only way we can be together...

Probably why i held onto this for so long...

But this needs to end...

Today...

This is the second time i've said this to you...

Dejavu...

These things called haiku's...
Feel a bit too restricting...
Dont think I'll write em...

seriously though
these things are too difficult
how would you write one

quality i mean
i'm sure it would be lacking
so what is the point...

i mean i could just
break my sentences into
tiny little chunks

that abide by the
five seven five formula
but that seems silly...

skip it...I'm bored now
i  think I'll go look inside my
refrigerator

Who the hell do you think you are? Just waltzing in like Jesus forgiving people all ***** nilly! I wronged you... I broke your heart... i remember that day when i left. you were fairly well composed... i wouldn't dishonor you by saying you begged or anything... but i know you cried! i was there!!! you know how hard it was to leave anyways!!! We were going in opposite directions i knew it was the best thing to do for both of us... i was leaving for college. you were still to be in highschool for 3 more years...i couldnt make you wait for me...it was a sound decision... and so i left... it needed to be done...and then distance...i put geographic miles between us because i loved you i tore out my own heart for you!

and all i needed from you in return was for you to hate me...was that really so unreasonable...i mean i broke your heart some time ago... is a little disdain too much to ask... i mean i can deal with a person hating me for what ever reason... but you simply understand why i left and forgive me... i mean time heals all wounds but **** a little residual dislike? maybe even a if given the option i wouldn't share a meal with this person...this is *******...

i mean...i close my eyes and i still see you crying... and i caused a great deal of those tears...and i haven't really decided to forgive myself for those tears... and in an effort to somewhat make up for what i did... i apologize... and you just say apology accepted...

Know what... nope... acceptance of apology not accepted... and i full realize that this is my not forgiving myself more than anything... making my apology kind of pointless...and yeah i get that until i can forgive myself every relationship i have will ultimately fail... but generally speaking... you have to remain mad at me... and ******* for even attempting to move on...now go and think about what you've done and i'll apologize later...

Ha!!! startling self realizations aside... i sure showed her!

I have never been a man of many words.

That is you would not call me by any stretch of the imagination bombastic. Nor would you refer to me as long- winded. I try to be as concise as possible.

I feel that most people have a select few adjective to describe themselves.

Personally chatty, diffuse, discursive,flatulent, loquatious, palaverous, pleonastic, prolix nor verbose would be on this list.

My words are not ample aplenty bounteous bountiful generous plenteous plentiful profuse or super abundant.

And when i make a speech it is not oratorical or overblown...

I am not pompous...I try to be as consise as possible.