Last night I had an unusual dream,
But not the type that would make you scream.

I dreamt I was eaten by a large dog beast,
It must have thought me part of a feast.

From inside its mouth I had a friend on my shoulder
He was clever and helpful, and I felt bolder.

He told me to avoid the sphincter muscles,
Should I wish to emerge with minimum tussles.

Instruction said that the safest way through
Was to be forced out while inside a pooh.

After kicking my way out of the crusty ****,
I woke up and thought that was ****** absurd.

Klusener could whack it, yes Lance,
To spinners, down wicket, he'd dance,   
   No defensive tricks, 
   He smote them for six,
The same for the quicks without prance.

Sometimes he could bowl pretty quick,
Sometimes the batsmen he'd trick. 
  Gave balance to the side, 
  Served country with pride,
All without ever being a *****.

His best score V England, remember?
Our bowlers he got to dismember. 
  Zulu hit it so high 
  Way up into the sky,
It didn't come down 'til November.

The Tigers were sent in to bat,
Could England make the most of that?
    Tamim was put down,
    Sidebottom did frown,
Then he bowled much too short, the pratt.

One hundred did Tamim then make,
When needed, he applied the brake,
    But the rest of his side,
    Though I'm sure that they tried,
Come on guys, stay in for Pete's sake!

When batting, my England weren't great,
The Tigers gave the match on a plate.
    The catches they muffed them,
    And the keeper he stuffed them.
Shape up Tigers, before it's loo late!

Oi Modi you ******, yes Lalit,
Unpleasant to taste on my pallet.
   Arrogant and so brash.
  You make threats with your cash,
Your face should say 'Hi' to my mallet!

But Modi is right I must say.
The IPL in India should stay.
  They cannot just give in
 To all terrorist's whim.
Life has to go on, come what may.

Lalit K has a tongue and a brain,
Can he use both without causing such pain?
  He works best under stress,
 Well here is a fine mess,
Will he anger again, or refrain?

Tendulkar did something today.
Two hundred runs all in one day!
  Majestic and cunning.
  It simply was stunning.
No bowler could stand in his way.

How Sachin keeps on being humble,
Is enough to make braver men crumble,
  If Modi learned that,
  He'd be less of a pratt,
And my poetry jibes would then stumble.

These two things that happened together,
Were both better than English weather,
  In the passing of time
  One event will decline,
The other, remembered forever.

One thing that get's me all venty
Is bad talk of jolly 'T' 20.
  It's much better by half
  So much more of a laugh
Because 50 is far more than plenty.

England play Pakistan later.
I think that our players are greater.
  But Gul bowls great yorkers,
  And other rip-snoters,
And the ball, oh Afridi, he ate her!

For England the openers are wrong
Neither will give it a biff or a ****.
  We need someone tough
  And aggressive enough
To win it for us when on song.

Our bowling is coming on nicely
The spinners are landing it precisely
  But the quicks can get hit
  When missing length by a bit
Shouldn't do it like that more than twicely

Will we win it today, well who knows?
By then I'll stop blowing my nose.
  I'm now on my knees,
  So a close contest please.
I cannot wait to see how it goes.

Cricket Ladies now pull up their socks
From the Sub-Continent to the Spring Boks
  But a question of mine,
  Not of length nor of line,
I wonder, do they require a box?

Some say that I need to take a pill
But I've watched and the ladies have skill
  They get many things right
  And their bowling is tight
And of cricket I just can't get my fill.

For now England are right out on top
All Australians would like that to stop
  If they get much better
  My pants will get wetter
Being British, I'm scared we will flop.

But England, to India, must fly
Where the pitches will be ever so dry
  Not won there before,
  Not sure, did we draw?
Beware Goswami, for she is quite spry.

Holly Colvin the new queen of spin
She does not know quite how to give in
  The Taylors are great
  The fielding, first rate
Come on girls, you know you can win!

The day was for England to look solid
  South Africa were happy to play slow
It turned out that England wanted squalid
  Opposition gave us nowhere to go

Andrew Strauss was done in by a shooter
  Jonny Trotted past a full one today
Collingwood survived ***** past his ******
  Ian Bell gave us most cause for dismay

Now Kevin played nicely for a while
  But Colly got out to leave us in fear
Prior left us too soon for a smile
  So for Broad and Swann the plan was clear

Jimmy hit them for the SIX of the game
But for glory Graeme Swann was the name