There is a time in your life
When love isnt enough
or you never feel enough
When the love is right but feels so wrong
when feelings get confused
when all doors are shut
and theres nothing but silence
when you can't fight no more
when you put down your weapon
of choice
Right at that moment
"did you find peace with yourself"
you were'nt scared to lose
but to win just to walk away
When the battle is over
only then you question yourself
was it worth the fight?
could it be fixed
are you being stupid if you just give in
are you seeing only your side
do you question to much
Do you lose the battle if you go back
are you the stronger one
just sometimes
you know its time to let go
its not easy being strong
because your scared of what could make you weak.....

It's been a while since I felt like this
I never felt like not eating
I never felt like giving up on being happy
I never once let the thought of shutting everyone out
I never once wanted to hurt myself
Because I couldnt hurt the one who hurt me
I never felt like (****) in a long time
right now i feel like this is the end of my hope
there is no exit , but only one way
Don't take kind to my depression I brought it on myself
For my foolish ways
With each step i take it isnt me
I should be locked up
Or even in hell for my sins
All i see is good in others
All i see in myself is a hidden evil
that I try hide
Im not trying to hurt anyone but just do good
Im confused with myself
I want to give up being happy until i understand myself again
I dont want others to think Im br(ok)en because Im okay

it makes me wonder how many people actually live there days to the fullest.
i know my days are cut short.

it makes me wonder how many people felt true love.
i know i have.

and it makes me wonder if people have daily struggles,
because i know i deal with mine every single minute.

In fall I met a boy who had blue eyes and dark hair
and he towered over me thin and strong

and he had wheels for feet but wasn’t a rolling stone
no, that was always me

he told me he loved me with the lights on

and we became helplessly entangled in each other’s limbs
like we were turning into the jungle itself
until it got colder and we were ripped apart
-
in winter I met a girl who knocked the wind out of me
and my lungs have never quite been the same

she would read me poetry as we laid in her silk sheets naked
drinking coffee and she would light my cigarettes

and she taught me how to jump in head first
and how to be charm boys
and how to love *****
and more importantly,
her
-
in spring everything so tightly wound began to come undone
and love became more complicated

and in the end I had to choose whom I loved more
and even now I still question the faulty loyalties I had

and I catch myself driving by both of their houses
feeling unable to control my lungs
or my razor sharp memories
-
in summer the boy with the blue eyes who was my moon
started loving a little girl and we haven’t talked since

and while I waned he waxed
and I hope to never see him again

and the girl who was my rising and setting sun
kissed me for the last time in a smoke filled room

and I lent her my shoes and shirt
and I still think about her every day
-
It's been over a year
and I am still unable to allow these two people out of my head

like a guilty conscience that will never let you rest
and all I can think is

imissyouimissyouimissyou

like it is engraved in my heartbeat

I never planned to drop out of high school
but I never planned on wanting to **** myself either
so that’s just how it goes

And now I’m in college a year early
and I’m watching everyone around me getting into
serious relationships and having babies
and actually graduating with full scholarships to real universities
and moving in together like real grown people starting real lives

and here I am still missing you
still going to counseling every week
and failing my second semester worse than the first

here I am having to consider if going to a
mental hospital for 6 months is really the only thing ive got left

my mother says when I get out I could really start my life
you know, have real relationships
and not do drugs or have promiscuous ***
but what does she really even know about that

am I about to find out why the caged bird sings?

I turn eighteen in a little over 7 months
and I really don’t want to spend the time leading up to that
having a prescribed time to eat
and take my medication
and when to go to sleep

this isn’t how life is supposed to be

people say it isn’t easy
but killing yourself is seen as cowardly

well, we didn’t even have a choice of whether we wanted life or not
we were just put here because we won the race

so don’t talk to me about cowardice

If you can't see the wound
Doesn't mean it's not there
If you can't see the tears
It doesn't mean
I haven't cried
I haven't hurt
I haven't felt
I haven't bled
For the only tears that flow
Down my cheeks
Are ones of ink