Like every night draws me in like I found warmth in the dark....
The thoughts of what can never be seem less intense...
I can't see all the things I know now I'll dearly miss....
And imagine I'm already gone and all that glitters isn't gold...
Now never walking them down an aisle grants a whimper...
Or being anything but a burden before I say goodbye....
Or now knowing that my goodbyes will only echo in empty rooms...
How I tell myself it's just a bad dream and avoid sleep at all costs...
Now fatigue and disrepair are more evident everyday...
Must be a design of some sort because I leave nothing and no one behind...
And answers that I now know didn't vindicate or hypnotize
I am not going to heaven ... I already know this well...
But compared to my life and an eternity in hell....
I guess the pain isn't over which is worse only time will tell...

Tears and tired eyes now became her gaze....
Clouds of vapor and cheap cigarettes are her constant haze...
The anger behind her madness begins to blaze....
And opening her mind reveals her pain soaked maze...
She acts like signs of childhood evaded her grip...
And all the ones she trusted did more than just jump ship ....
So she finds a shield and takes her pill to focus her trip...
And into her oblivion and forget it all I watch her slip...
She sees me as she quits her fight...
And it's me and her against another night...

Sunrise and drunk sweats make the day seem futile....
Shaky hands bloodshot eyes and last evenings breath now standard...
Uncomfortable rooms in rented homes make me tense and upset....
When can I go home or at least be blended in to my surroundings....
She the last thing I can call mine lays on our sad mattress ...
And the day begins with a shot of don't remember chased by a drink of they won't notice....
But I'm not gonna be a pity party of one so I put up my ******* and hide behind expensive lenses ...
My friend and Doctor is now my only thought ...
So I can start this day with no thought of the things and people I forgot...
Please guide my actions and disregard my anger....
Because I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger....

They said stay away like I was allergic to her presence....
Whispered quiet warnings of her guaranteed disappointment...
Lied about her intentions so to make her untrusted....
Made her a villain in my "story" and wrote her off...
But when she got close she made me feel like I was addicted...
Her presence made her whispers seem so priceless ...
Now she seems so trusted I intend to make her mine...
To me the. Story became about us if only for a chapter...
And now addicted to her love I could almost say....
She made me live happily ever after ...

She's so close to me so many times before she leaves me stranded on cloud 9 alone....
Then smiling from someplace I never see she sees nothing but ways to make me feel small...
Once it seemed to easy to me to be her everything with a lot of difficulty...
Now complicated measure mean I'm someone not on her side
And she sees me as knight in rusted armour  caused by laughable tears...
Yet I stand near the fire and absorb heat destined to scorch my soul
Whole and alone I seem so distant only inches away ...
And another day seems so painful and I'm totally defeated...
But she begins a battle against me while I smile and kiss her eyes closed
So I don't have a bad memory... and begin my descent into her hell...
Will my loyalty and care be enough for her only time will tell...

Today I miss you.... Dont know why?.....
I Imagined a day without tears.....
Today I missed you.... I am Reminded.....
I hoped you would still be here....

I cant believe your mine....
U smile and break my silence.....
I gasp between minor squints .....
To focus on the fact u are looking at me.....
U grab my hand between cigarette drags....
And blow toxic lust in my face and giggle....
Your eyes sparkle and Im not even bothered....
I cant believe your mine.....
You stagger out my door and catch my attention....
Your head on my chest hears a heart that came back for you....
I smile once only to remind you im the lucky one...
I withhold my intentions to make you blush....
So I listen closer to make ur voice seem cherished....
And it leaves me distracted from my pain....
I cant believe your mine....
I can read ur face behind huge sunglasses.....
When ur eyes become a lie detector and obvious....
How I end up on the edge of a queen size bed....
Because in our sleep your embrace still chased me....
Or how when I wake up see you asleep....
I kiss your forehead to remind you your loved....
I cant believe your mine.....
So I wont and live in this fantasy....
Cuz belief is not important ....
Having you here IS.....