Alone in my mind
I'm standing still,
Watching life unfold
An llusion or real?

So many unanswered questions
I stand in wait,
Don't know the answers
Don't know my fate.

Endured so much pain
Compared to the gain,
A river of sorrow
A mountain of pain.

I try to stand tall
It grows more difficult each day,
Haunted by indifference and loneliness
I struggle to find my way.

When will these clouds
begin to clear,
Allowing the sunlight of happiness
To finally appear.

My future and it's outcome
Some say is all in my hands,
But there's so much that
They don't understand.

It's not as simple
As one might think,
So much I can't control
So much that doesn't sync.

I live each day on autopilot
Living life as an emotional drone,
Following a scripted agenda
Full filling life's endeavors alone.

What does my crystal ball
Hold in store for me?
Will fate grant me a truce
Or a life of continued pain, misery.

2015

I awoke again this morning,

Like so many other days,

Reality there to greet me,

I surrender to its ways.

 

  I know I should thank the Lord,

For the time that we had,

Instead I find I curse him,

For always feeling so sad.

 

Lord, you brought me to my knees,

Stripped my emotions to the bone,

You left me a broken man,

I feel empty, and so alone.

 

  I miss you angel face,

You were my love, my best friend,

My heart forever aches,

For the day we’ll meet again.

 

  You said I could do better,

Though I always doubted this,

Loneliness now shadows me,

Our life together gone amiss.

 

  I miss the comfort of your voice,

The joy of holding your hand,

The smile that always reigned bright,

A spirit that’ll forever withstand.

 

 Will we be together again?

The answer escapes me still,

  Will we be strangers in heaven?

As so many say we will.

 

 I love you with all my heart,

Don’t know if you felt the same,

Wish you would come appear to me,

My heart forever speaks your name.

 

 I can’t let go of my pain,

Cause it means letting go of you,

I’m so tired of this hurting,

No end to the struggle in view.

 

  Now I travel this lonely road,

Unaware of what is to come,

Feeling afraid and insecure,

The endless pain, my heart surcomes.

 

  If only time could rewind,

How different would life be?

Living life like there’s no tomorrow,

Each sunset be our last to see,

 

  Or would nothing have changed for us,

Travelin’ the same road as before,

Living life as if there’s still hope,

Till death forever closes the door.

 

  I hope you’re soaring with the angels,

Living the life you’ve always deserved,

No longer feeling pain or sadness,

Eternal peace for your time served.

Are you in heaven?  
Free now from your pain,  
Can you hear my voice?  
Am I going insane?  

I miss you my love,  
I’m lonely and confused,  
I feel so unloved,  
So helpless and used.  

Please come help me Lord,  
Yes I need your strength,  
Guide me through these times,  
Help me to go the length.  

Can we turn back time?  
And erase our regrets,  
Live for each moment,  
Like the days we first met.  

But that’s a fantasy,  
A life that is gone,  
A hope that has died,  
A truth that lingers on.

The storm rages on inside,
Battling the demons in my mind,
My heart is torn in pieces,
From the life I’ve left behind.

I want to begin to heal,
To find my way back to the start,
To learn to live life once more,
Feel the joy of love in my heart.

I reach for the hand of God,
Begging for mercy on my soul,
Please save me from myself, Lord,
Give me guidance, make me whole.

What is the truth, the answer?
Is it hidden deep within?
Am I blinded by ignorance?
Is this my mortal sin?

Why is my heart cold, lonely?
Have I grown dead  inside?
Why has love abandoned me?
Left to perish by the road side.

Why does the pain I feel,
******* my body so,
Paralyzing my being,
Keeping me from letting go.

10/7/2011

I hear the roaring of the waves,
Washing upon the shore,
Washing the sand of my footprints,
The dreams that are no more.

I feel the coldness of its waters,
The cool mist upon my face,
My body shutters at the feelings,
Of loneliness I embrace.

My mind runs deeply in confusion,
While my heart overflows with despair,
All though I try to forget the past,
I feel its presence everywhere.

And though I sleep at night,
My mind does seldom ever rest,
My fears invade my dreams,
Putting my sanity to the test.

I look out across the ocean,
Boundless though it seems,
Its restlessness reminds me of,
My many troubled dreams.

In the sand I leave my footprints,
My only mark upon this world,
Til the ocean finally washes them away,
Making me only a memory of yesterday.

They tell me I must move on,
But where am I to go,
That I should start a new life,
But this life is all I know.
How do I leave you behind?
Walk away from our past,
How do I ease my pain?
And let my heart heal at last.

Self pity is my greatest sin,
Apathy, my biggest crime.
Mountain of doubt stands ever tall,
Each day growing harder to climb.
I sit here in reflection,
Pondering the years we shared,
The good times and many sad,
Yes, I always knew you cared.

I mourn for you every day,
My heart consumed with sorrow.
I weep when they mention your name,
For us there’s no tomorrow.
Our son, our greatest achievement,
Our loving gift to each other,
A symbol of our eternal love,
A living part of you, his mother.

The answer to the question why,
Will always be a fruitless quest.
Only God knows his reasons,
For granting your eternal rest,
The morning you passed from this life,
My soul died along with you,
An empty shell have I become,
Void of all I once held true.

All the hopes and dreams we shared
Have vanished into the night,
Escaping ever from my grasp,
Fading slowly from my sight.
I want to live, but yet I don’t,
The battle rages on inside.
Loneliness seeps ever deep,
Into this soulless shell I hide.

You said your body was tired,
You no longer had strength to fight,
The battle for you was over,
Your journey towards the great light.
This blanket of unhappiness,
I wear each day like a shroud,
It drains me of strength, of all hope,
I stand helpless beneath this cloud.

Will I ever move on they ask,
My answer will always be no.
I will forever mourn your death,
As it is the right thing, I know.

Your memory plays like a movie,  in my head.
Your voice sings,  like a song in my heart.
Your words they inspire,  like a great work of art.
Your smile shines bright,   Like the sun in the sky.
Your eyes flow with compassion,   like a mother to her child.
Your beauty is breath taking,   like a beautiful sunset.
Your touch is eternal,   like my love for you.
I miss you so much,   like the night misses the day.

It's been twenty -six years
Since the day we first met,
Our first date together
A time I'll never forget.

So many special moments
Locked away in my mind,
A treasure chest of memories
That fate built by design.

You're the first and only
Woman who's ever loved me,
I'm thankful for our time
Still I'm left feeling lonely.

My life has been empty
Since the day that you passed,
Each day a new struggle
Separating future from the past.

The pain is still very real
Even after all these years,
The wound has yet to heal
My heart still filled with tears.

I long to hear you laugh
And hold your hand once more,
To know you're always beside me
Together for evermore.

I want to say I love you
And long to be with you again,
To see you smile once more
Share a life that'll never end.

2015

You came into my empty life,

After so many years alone,

You touch a tired and lonely heart,

That I’d thought had turned to stone.

 

You tore down the walls of loneliness,

That surrounded my dying heart,

You opened my eyes to love once more,

And gave my life a new start.

 

Refrain

You came from the heavens,

 And rescued me,

From the pool of darkness,

I was drowning in,

You threw me a line,

When others left me behind,

And made my life richer,

Than it’s ever been,

Is this the love I’ve been,

Searching to find.

 

I’ll never forget the first time we talked,

The first time I held your hand,

First time I held you close and we kissed,

First time you told me you understand.

 

You believe in me like no one has,

And seem to understand my pain,

You bring sunshine to a lonely life,

That was once filled with endless rain.

 

I hope the road we’re sharing never ends,

As we travel a new life together,

I want you always by my side,

Building memories we’ll share forever.

 

I promised you complete honesty,

Always try to give you nothing less,

My heart and mind are longing for you,

Filling the void of emptiness.

 

1989

I listen to the clock ticking,
Its rhythm sounding through my thoughts,
I feel the emptiness in my soul,
And the scars from battles i've fought.

I long to love and be loved again,
To feel its joy, its strength in my heart,
To once again feel alive within,
Have the courage to make a new start.

I hear the clock counting down,
The seconds of my sad existence,
Breeding apathy within me,
Breaking me of any resistance.

I listen to the clock ticking away,
Any hope as it escapes my hold,
Life's curtain beginning to descend,
'pon a life that's grown weary and old.

Why do my pleas go unanswered Lord,
Isn't love a gift for all to share,
Do you feel i'm undeserving?
I'm pleading to your sense of fair.

I feel the years slipping away,
Along with people I adore,
Doors continue to close around me,
Beautiful faces I'll see no more.

Love is a gift that has no bounds,
A gift we all long to receive,
A hope for some that is unsubstained,
A truth that summons us to believe.

You ask me how I am,
I say I'm okay.
I never say I 'm great or super.
I can’t bring myself to tell a full lie, 
Only a half.
I can't say the truth,  I'm miserable.
That my life has not been the same since the day you passed.
That my soul is an empty void.
Yes I'm miserable,
A little voice inside me is shouting.
Yet still I wear this mask.
The mask I use to hide from the world.
The lie that I perpetuate,
The illusion I feed daily.
We all have our masks we wear.
Some have many.
Feeding the beast we call reality.

Two hearts as one,
Beating in time,
Two birds singing,
So soft, so fine,
Two flowers that blossom,
In the sun side by side,
Two lovers who's hearts,
Will never divide.
Two roads that cross,
Two leaves that fall,
Two hands joined together,
To form one wall.
Two lovers stand in union,
Two lives become one.
The union of man and woman,
A new life has begun.

1/21/1989