you think you love her
but you wish her eyes didn't shine so brightly.
you wish her smile didn't light up
the entire town and you wish her voice
was just a little bit quieter.
you think you love her
but sometimes you wish
she would dim her light for you.
you never realized that she already had,
that without you
she could be more powerful than the sun.

I finally realized there’s a war going on inside my chest between the part of my heart that hates you and the one that loves you like it doesn’t know how to do anything else because it doesn’t. I remember loving you last year and this year and nine hours ago. You’re gone now and you didn’t leave anything for me to remember you by. I’ve searched for your dust in the creases of my bedsheets and I bet you’d be glad to know I found nothing. I found absolutely nothing and I’m sorry I still taste blood on my tongue every time someone mentions your name. I’m sick of hearing people say that I just need to forget you because I have tried everything, including touching other mouths with my own but I don’t know how to stop remembering you every time I open my eyes and see their eyes are the same color as yours. I know I haven’t been able to stop writing about you but I just can’t stop trying to explain how I missed your touch even before it was gone, how no matter what I do I see your face in strangers and no matter where I go you’re always almost there.

sometimes the moon looks so close i almost think i could reach my hand up and touch her. i wonder how she would feel against my fingertips, if she would crumble at my touch or if her beauty would make me crumble instead. sometimes she looks so small i want to hold her against the palm of my hand. other times, she looks like she could crush me just by looking at me.

sometimes i wish i could let go of all of this weight i carry and go live in the sky with the clouds. sometimes, i wish i could touch the stars that come out at night and feel them burn my fingertips. as if somehow that would make the darkness inside me feel a little bit brighter.

sometimes i wish i could feel sadness instead of the emptiness that surrounds me. i ask myself why i rarely feel anything at all, why happiness only comes in small doses. when it does, i can hardly recognize it. it is only when i look back that i think maybe... maybe i was happy then.

i know it’s hard to come to terms with the way that men only love you when it’s convenient for them.
you attract people who are broken and you love them so deeply, you only wish you could pick up the pieces and put them back together with glitter glue.
you pour all of your love onto them like it’s nothing and they always swallow it whole.
you are very good at fixing them.
somehow your love gives them all the strength in the world until suddenly they are no longer broken.
they don’t need you anymore.
who’s going to fix you?

These days it feels like I am fighting a battle
I was destined to lose from the start.
I should accept that I'm in this alone
but I can't seem to let go of that last bit of hope ...
as if one day things will change.
I keep thinking maybe one day
people will show me the same kind of love
that I show them
but I'm starting to think I'm just a fool.
I want to disappear somewhere far away,
where no one knows my name
and I can stop pretending
that anyone gives a **** about me
or my happiness or, rather, my sadness.
My heart has never felt so heavy.
Maybe I'm just meant to be alone.

i want you to know
that you are still the only one
who can make my world light up with color.
i can't stop thinking of the way
your lips were always stained bright pink
and my cheeks turn red when i picture
your kisses dancing on my neck,
forming figures that i never knew existed.
i see blues and purples and greens
when i think of your fingers on me
but you're not here.
how can i miss hands
that were never on me to begin with?
how could you have made
this black and white world
start to take on color
when you're thousands of miles away?
how could you have disappeared
before i even got the chance
to see the stardust
that took home underneath your eyelids?

He says your name for the first time
and you think you've fallen in love with his mouth.
You realize he's got you wrapped around his pinky like a promise
and it sounds like his lips invented your name,
like no one had ever said it before he did.
It's all too ******* cliche
but you think his mouth is made of heaven,
his fingertips derived from the same stars
that you've tried too many times to catch
but ended up burning your own palms with instead.
He looks at you like you carved the sky with your own hands
and you laugh because you think he fell down from it.
You would think he was a fallen angel
if he wasn't so **** pure,
if you thought there was any way
that God would ever banish him from his side.
God would be lucky to have him by his side.
These days all you've been thinking about is his smile
and how you've always been afraid of ghosts
but you don't mind that he haunts you
like a lost ghost who can't find his home.
You only hope he can call you his home.
You like the way your hands feel numb
when you think of him
and you think your legs might collapse beneath you
but you don't mind.
Even if he doesn't catch you when you fall,
you don't mind.