You are the poem
I have been writing for years
I do not know
The ending.

The hardest battle of all
Is the one you fight with yourself
The hardest battle to overcome
Is the one that nobody can see
But you
The worst enemy
Is the dull ache dwelling underneath a bright smile
One that has the capacity
To make millions laugh
One that succeeds
In doing so
But happiness is not always gained
In knowing the number of lives impacted by yours
Happiness is not defined
By the amount of people who love you
Crowded rooms are not saviour from drowning
And opens arms cannot always catch the falling
There is no guide
On how to wrestle your demons
And there is no clear solution
On how to win
Often times you will end up pinned to the ground
And finding the strength to pull yourself up
Can be more than just a challenge
Depression
Is the cold war
That nobody talks about
The one they forget to mention in school
We skip over it in text books and discussions
Assuming that if we forget its existence
It will vanish completely
But the only outcome of a closed mouth and stigma
Is our own disappearance
And it will never be romantic
To watch our loved ones fade
Because they couldn't figure out
How to love themselves
Enough to stay
It will never be desirable
To turn to dust under bright lights
While the whole world watches in awe
Depression
Is not something that can just be cured
With chemicals and someone to listen
It is a constant struggle
Of living in an empty mansion
Filled with hallways of locked doors
And spending every day of your life trying to find a way out
Depression
Is living in your body
But feeling like your wearing someone elses skin
Is watching excitement happen
But being unable to touch it
To taste it
Depression
Tastes of kerosene and ethanol
And every missed step
Every small conflict
Is a lit match
Thrown into the pit of your stomach
Depression
Is unapologetic
It will take everyone you love
And turn them into monster
Will take your reflection
And turn it into ugly
Depression
Will chew with sharp teeth
Then spit you out to an unforgiving world
In crooked pieces
There is no easy way
To put yourself back together
There is no easy way
To tell who is coming apart at the seams
And even the softest of souls
Can fall victim to their sadness
Some will relent to belt and door frame
To knot and heavy wrists
But the battle does not have to end ******
The battle does not have to end in regret
In what should have been done
In what could have been prevented
This battle
Is not going to cease
Without a fair fight
And although the one you take on with yourself
May be the hardest one ever fought
Do not give in
Do not give up
Even when your bones are purple from bruise
And your skin is ripped from sharpness
Do not yield to disaster
Do not succumb to darkness
Do not surrender
There is someone
Who will miss you
Do not forfeit
For this battle
Is not through
And your story
Is not over
Yet.

It is 3am
And I lay in bed
The rain is singing me to sleep once again
Thunder rolling against the summer heat
Lightning blinking against the pale purple walls of my childhood bedroom
I came home yesterday
And tonight
I lay in bed
Listening to the rain
For a moment it stops
And I sense myself restless
I have always found comfort in storm
The sudden halt of it stirs me
The clouds have cleared into empty
And I sit, longing
I want the rain to come back to me like a forgotten lover
Want it to soothe me to sleep like it always does
But I know
That the sky
Isn't going to cry
Because I want it to
I know
That the sky will not be angry
Just because I am
I cannot expect nature
To take on the responsibility of lullaby
Cannot expect the weather
To try and match emotion
I want nothing more
Than to watch the downpour caress my windowsill
Watch the drops race against glass
I want
To hear the music that is torrent
But it is 3am
And I lay in bed
Knowing that the sky isn't going to cry
Because I want it to
Knowing
That things do not occur
Because I want them to
Life just happens
Ignorant of want
And the sky will only cry
When it feels like it.

I speak with apology in my voice
Almost every word I say is followed by sorry
And my conversations are often riddled with insecurity
I do not mean remorse
But I was bred from repentance
Mother told me be cautious of my speech
Taught me that speaking my mind
Is not lady like
That profanity
Is not feminine
I learned to replace my ***** with apologies
Muted my voice with shame
Always reluctant to say how I feel
Afraid to withhold
I was told
That the worst word in the english language is no
Engrained this belief so deeply into muscle memory,
That when he took without permission
Refusal didn't even cross my mind
The word no
Never made it through my vocal chords
And out past my lips
When I blamed myself afterwards
It felt more warranted
Than actually accepting the reality
That this
Was not right
I somehow managed though
To place the fault on myself
For his taking
Of what is rightfully mine
I placed the fault on myself
Not for my inability to decline
But for feeling like this was what I deserved
I was raised
How every young girl always has been
In quiet tones and hushed voices
In keeping secrets and asking for forgiveness
I was taught how to please a man
But was barely even familiar with my own anatomy
Knew how to reach male *******
But not my goals
I was taught that women
Are here to satisfy
And that my body
Was made to satisfy
A present to be saved and someday gifted
That pure is synonymous with wanted
That my value was only to be determined
By the number of times I have slept in a bed other than my own
I was raised thinking
That all I could ever be was leftover ash
Nobody ever told me
That I am made of fire
Capable of burning at the touch
I grew up believing
That I was nothing more than a burnt out star
Dust to be picked up and reassembled by whatever man chooses to fix me
I was told
That I should call myself lucky for the saviour
And if I get the chance
I sure as hell better take it
I was trained to believe
That being with someone
Meant that *** is always wanted
I learned how to speak guilt before I learned the word consent
And I am just now learning
That all of this
Is mistake
What we were taught
Is mistake
But I am not a mistake
And there is no room for sorry to follow every question I pose
There are far too many words to get out
And not enough time
For silencing
I have realized
That I
Am meant to be here
And there is no apology
Needed.

Do not start something
You cannot finish
Someone will always be left
Unsatisfied
And disappointment
Tastes so much worse
Than rejection
Do not build
What you do not plan
On maintaining
Do not start a fire
If you have no intention
Of putting it out
Do not promise the stars
When you are only capable of dust
Do not shoot for the moon
With blind aim
That is how craters come to be
And this one expanding inside of me
Is wide with regret
There are third degree burns
On the inside of my chest where my heart used to live
I do not know
How to put end to what you started
I have always been combustible
And this
Is nothing more
Than arson
Do not start something
You cannot finish
Someone will always be left
In flames.

This city
Has so many bright lights
And 3.8 million people
That live in it
Some nights
I go out
Frequent bars that are too loud
Drink whiskey that is too strong
Try to drown out the noise in my head with greetings
And meaningless conversation
Some nights
I go out
Always secretly hoping
In the back of my mind
That maybe
I'll run into you
I can almost swear
That I see you
Every single time
And I do
I see you
In faces of strangers
In smiles unfamiliar
In shoulders that accidentally brush my own
I mistake each one of them for you
Maybe it's because everyone has the same stupid haircut as you do
Or dresses in that vintage way that you like to
Whatever it is
I cannot stop seeing you
I cannot stop seeing the ghost of what never was
The fact that our vessel had been abandoned long before setting sail
How your promises always read false
Your intentions never true
The reality that you
Are never going to be mine
And I
Am never going to be
Yours
You have already forgotten me
And I
Am trying so hard to forget you
But in this city
There are so many bright lights
And neon signs
That I am often blinded by hope
My imagination
Makes you reappear suddenly
And I start to see things
That aren't there
Put you in spaces
Where I know you don't belong
In this city
Filled with millions
All of them wandering aimlessly
I can only wonder
If your heart jumps out of your chest
When you see blonde hair and red lipstick
I have always been lost
And I can only wonder
If you ever find me
If maybe you stopped looking
A long time ago
Or if you never even searched
In the first place
Regardless
I still manage to see you
Everywhere
I can only wonder
Where you are
Tonight
And if you see me
Too.

I never understood
How someone could wake up one morning
To find that the fire inside their heart
Has died out
Out of nowhere
Turned to dust
I never understood
How someone could wake up one morning
And just stop caring
You did
With such ease
And I still don't understand
How.

I'd like to think
That just the taste of your lips
Could wash out every name
That's been on my tongue
I'd like to think
That mine could do the same
For you
But the truth is
I am not whole enough
To be able to fill your vacancy
The truth is
You deserve greater
And so much more
Than what I have to offer
You deserve a girl who won't cry
The first time you make love to her
Someone who isn't broken
Who isn't tainted by past
Someone who isn't scraped from rough hands
Who isn't built of memories and nightmares
You deserve someone who can love without fear
And give you everything
But I am not that someone
I will tremble in your arms no matter how honest they are
At night I will be restless and inconsolable
When the weight of the world is too heavy
I will collapse underneath it
I am not strong
I sometimes struggle in keeping myself intact
And I am filled to the rim with emptiness
You deserve so much more
Than what I can give
But I am capable of loving
Harder than most
I will pour out every last part of myself
Just to give you something to hold
I may not be
What you deserve
But I can try
My best.

This is not ordinary
I am used to falling
A few feet or so
But never the thousands of miles that now exist
You are so far
I reach out my hands and I cannot touch you
You are not there
Yet I pretend you are
Close my eyes
And imagine the rhythm of your breath
Syncing with mine
Picture your hands
Synching with mine
Our bodies
Poured together
A mess that we neglect to clean up
There is a certain comfort in the chaos
And I want to be in complete disarray
I want to empty myself into your arms
Want you to do the same
And together we will hold ourselves intact
But you are so far
I cannot pick up your pieces when they fall
My hands do not stretch the distance
And there is so much between us
But if I ever get the chance
If this space ever collapses
If it ever box-folds itself into disappearance
If we ever come close
And you want me to,
I will love you
And I will love you
Completely.

There is so much blue
In my life
It is the color
That I cannot stop seeing
It is in my eyes
It is everywhere
Blue
When you left
It was out of it
Blue
I panic, forget to breathe
And almost turn it
Blue
My veins scream it
But I still bleed red
Blue
My skin from his hands
I cannot shake them off of me
Blue
There is so much
I want to drown in it
The ocean
Looks especially blue today
And so does my heart
I did not know
That color could be felt
But I feel it
All over
It is blue
All over
And nobody can see it
But me.

The sunset last night
Was red, purple
And blue
I could have swore
I saw you in it
But you are not in the sky
You are only in my dreams
Only at night
When it is dark
I only see you
When the lights are off
And my mind is running
When it is pitch black
And my insomnia paints pictures of you
It is so easy
To admire something that isn't there
And some things in life
Are not as good as they seem
But the sunset last night
Against the mountains and quiet beach
Was that good
I went to look for you in it
And I almost forgot
That you
Are not that good
You
Are not even close.

Distance
Does not make the heart grown fonder
It rips it out
And swallows it whole.

I spill out the contents of my heart
Every time I flip to a new page in a notebook
I am forced to face my demons
Cut them carefully in half
Let them pour out
Then clean up the blood and guts I've left behind
And the mess I've made
Always turns out to be prettier
Than the process it took to get there
I turn the sting of open wound relatable
My bruises ring purple and black
And I let people touch them
Let them poke at the ugly
So that maybe they can find comfort in knowing
That they aren't theirs
Pain is so attractive
When it isn't yours to wear
When you don't have to carry it around all day on your back
And then tuck it into the same bed as you
It is difficult to drift off at night
When your pain speaks lullabies into your ear
It is impossible to sleep
When your pain wakes you up every five minutes
To remind you of its existence
It is routine
To go through the day and break off parts of it
Hand them to people
So they can find solace
In trying something they'll never know well enough to hate
The salt of it only tastes good for so long
And after a while
It begins to sit uncomfortably
It is so easy
To admire broken teeth
When they aren't in your mouth
So easy
To find scars beautiful
When they aren't on your body
I have gotten used to putting my distress on display
I am used to it bearing it with ease
And my body has become a ******* number 5
For everyone to awe at
The disaster and mess is striking
When it isn't yours to have to put back together
But the appeal is only temporary
And my hands are raw from the cleansing
There is still so much stitching to be done
To keep myself from falling apart completely
I am taking caution
When it comes to opening up
Holding the binding of book by its thread
I am too terrified by the inevitability
Of losing
To spill
Any more
So I am done pouring out
Until I find someone
Who can love me
Empty.

You do not miss me
It is impossible to miss something
That was never wanted
In the first place.

I wonder
If you still read my writing
From wherever you are
Secretly hoping
That you're still the center of it
I know
You would much rather do that
Than actually talk to me
Would much rather read my words
Than hear my voice
After all
My name looks much better in poetry
Than it tastes in your mouth
And promises are easier to break
When you don't keep them close
I wonder
If you still think of me
Every night before you sleep
I wonder
If you know
That you're the reason I don't
My insomnia is too hopeful
And memory refuses to let me forget
I wonder
If you think of me
When you're holding her
If you long to know what I feel like
While you touch her
Does she know
That I almost slip off your tongue
Every time you open your mouth to speak
You kiss with confused lips
They are not sure if this
Is what you truly want
You will say her name loud enough
To drown out mine
Practice repeating I love you
Until you can say it with shut eyes
I wonder
If you see me when you close them
I wonder
If I am still in your ear
From conversation miles away
Maybe it was the bad connection
That made me want more
But you
You are still in my head
I planted you too deep and
Now I don't know how to dig you out
Rooted you in the trust I never knew
Pretended like it was something
I was used to having
I could have buried myself in it
But there is none left
And I am trying to figure out
How you are still growing without it
Still molding into optimism in my mind
I want to believe you'll come back for me
I know
That you stopped calling
For a reason
But a part of me is still believing
That it's only temporary
The only permanent thing you gave me
Was false intention
That I will use to twist into material
Into something I will write with
And I will continue to write
I can only wonder
If you
Will keep reading.

The odds of being struck by lightning
Are one in 3,000
I watched from a window
As 13 people that were not me
Got struck by it
Just a few feet away
From where I was standing
And I am left thinking
About how that could have so easily
Been me
Out of curiosity
I looked up odds in a lifetime
I wanted to know
How often things happen
What came up
Consisted only of odds of dying
And I laughed
Thinking
About all of the other odds
That were more important than death
That were more interesting
Than freak accidents
And demise
How about the odds of meeting someone
With the same exact name
Or the odds
Of loving someone who loves the same stuff
As you do
The odds
Of throwing a perfect game in baseball
Are one in 18,192
The odds of finding your soulmate
Are one in 10,000
And more people are concerned
Of getting bit by a shark than finding love
The chances of that happening
Are one in 11.5 million
Sharks are not the enemy
We are
If you ask me
I would say
I'd much rather focus
On the rare positives
There are good things that happen daily
That happen unexpectedly
It is better to hope for those
Than worry about ones unlikely
You can measure the past
All you want
Give it numbers
And try predict future
But one thing you cannot do
Is measure life.

I believe in promise more than I should
Grew up thinking that pinkys bent together were the strongest bond there is
I am just now learning how to ease my grip
Learning
How to break the rope I tie with vow
Just before it catches into noose
I have been hung from the rafters of my own vulnerability
Too many times before
And I am learning
How to build back strong
Learning
How to keep my doors locked
Trying
To stop letting people in
Those who lure me with the pledge of future
Who tell me their intentions are golden
And I,
The silver plated woman
Have nothing to worry about
But I've seen platinum turn to rust right before my eyes
And too often does metal twist into deceit
I want to believe
That everyone who gives me oath
Is genuine in their undertaking
I want to believe
That it is impossible
To tell someone you care
And then out of nowhere just pack up and leave
I never understood
How it is anyone is able
To wake up one morning
And just stop loving
How you could swear interest for months
And then one day just lose it
I am done
Holding on to words that never meant anything in the first place
How many times do I have to hit hard until I learn
To stop jumping in head first
I am still believing
And forgetting the lie within it
Forgetting
That pinkys can break too
Bone is not shatterproof
Yet somehow
Still heals much quicker than heart
My hopes
Are so much brighter than my reality
And every time they fail
I still find ways to put blame on something else
On someone else
But never the one who drops me
I still remember your promise
Still fresh from your tongue
I am holding on to it in the palm of my hand
Grasping it between fingers
Morphing it into skin
Trying to convince myself
That you're going to come back for it
That the leave was only temporary
See
I am skilled in the art
Of never letting go
It is a practice
I have mastered
And I do not intend
On stopping
Even if you never return
Even if I
Never come back down to earth
I am perfectly content with this delusion
Wake me up
When there is solace
In something other than falsity
Wake me up
When I finally find someone
Willing
To come back to me.

When you are alone
Desolate and barren
When you feel like the sea
Blue and full
Yet somehow empty
Feel like you are taking up too much space
Yet somehow still drowning
Know
That on this earth right now
Someone
Somewhere
Feels the same heaviness of the world on their shoulders
Feels the identical loneliness expanding inside of them
And is questioning their existence
Know
That someone
Somewhere
Is waiting
For you
To find them
Waiting
To find you
Know
That you
Are not alone
That you
Are not the sea
Your depth
Is so much greater
And you
Are meant to be here.

When you love someone who is not there
Your mind will learn to create
Draw images of how everything should be
Erase ones that depict how it actually is
Eventually you will forget what is real
And what is make believe
You will convince yourself
That you are not forgotten
And that even though you haven't heard from him in days
He still thinks of you
You will tell yourself
That you are still wanted
Regardless of the fact that you barely want anything to do with yourself
You will somehow believe that someone else does
He will not tell you though
You have to remind yourself that he is too busy
Too involved even for a hello
You will have to remember
That his life never intended on having you be part of it
And that you
Will probably never be a part of it
You will constantly be reminded of every time you were promised future
And your wanting for it will become unbearable
You will lay awake at night like you always do
This time tasting of more than just alcohol and regret
You will swallow your own tongue wondering why fate never seems to be on your side
Thinking maybe you were never meant to love in the first place
That meeting him was a mistake
You should have known better anyway
To fall for a guy
With a heart already occupied
You know all too well
That there is not enough room in one for two
And you are the tenant with the most vacant body
Stop trying to fill yourself with things that don't exist
You will need to recall
Every single time you have built yourself up
Your expectations piling above you
Never anticipating the crash
You always seem to be staring blank eyed
When everything around you crumbles into disaster
You learn to pick up the pieces
And glue them into something decent enough to look at
Your mind is still painting pictures
On a canvas that will most likely never be tangible
And you will be reminded of it when you're laying in bed
And your hands grab for someone who is not there
When you love someone who is not there
You will spend every second of the day
Searching for them in crowded rooms
When in reality
You know
They weren't there to begin with
And they probably
Never will be.

The people I love
Don't have time to love me back
And I still give so much of myself away

I will not say I love you like the rest
I will not put it in words
Instead
My love
Will come in reminders
In late night hellos
In moments of disbelief where I'll wonder out loud
How you possibly love something like this
My love
Will come in touch
In palms attempting to comfort shoulder
My love
Will come in laughs
In nudges
In squeezing of the hand
In the way my eyes fill with admiration
Every time I kiss you
And look at you
I will love you
But I will never tell you
That I do.

Some days
I am a mess
Consisting of red lipstick
And nicotine teeth
Of black dress
Drenched in whiskey
Alcohol fallen from shaking hands
Crumpled white bedsheets that
Barely cover skin
Not knowing how to keep anything warm
Only knowing
How to look good against glow from morning sun
Sometimes
I am disarray
Most times
I am out of place
And even further out of body
But I
Am not looking to be cleaned up
I do not want someone
Who finds my disaster pretty
When it is anything but
I do not need someone
To try and mend something
That was broken to begin with
That has always been chaos
I am
Perfectly content
With the clutter
And I
Do not need
Fixing.

I never quite know
The exact words
To describe how I feel
It seems
As if I am always
Searching
But I guess
That is why
I write
In hopes that
Someday
I will find them.

Sometimes
I want to bang my head against brick
Until I feel something
And other times
I want to bury it in ice
So that
I don't have to feel anything
At all
I am wondering
When these highs
And lows
Will come to
A halt
And if feeling
Will ever be more
Than just
Black and white.

It is 1am
And I am a combination
Of alcohol and thoughts
Too many words and heavy eyelids
I stand at bar
With drink in loose hands
As some attempt conversation
And I
Smile quietly
With vacant eyes
Because there are plenty of people
In this room
That could fill this empty capacity
Put end
To this gap of desolation expanding inside of me
There are plenty
Who I could find momentary comfort in
Possibly even more
But I
Am too blocked off
To call myself open
Too shut down
To even listen to small talk
Or friendly dialogue
The truth is
I am too hung up
On distance
And romance that is more than likely
To never work out
To be able to make the effort
To love someone other than taken
I am so good
At setting my heart on situations
That have been set long before my prescence
I am skilled
At attempting to love person already satisfied
I will never be neccesity
Only drunken shell of girl
Searching through a sea of bodies
For someone who is not there
For someone who will probably never be there
This routine
Of bourbon and late nights
Of strangers and recurrent introductions
Will continue with frequency
But I
Will remain
Unfulfilled
It is 1am
And I am
Still hoping for something
That is perpetually
Unattainable.

I do not need a higher power
To know
That I
Am meant to be here
I may never understand
Just why
But I
Am perfectly happy
Not knowing
Perfectly okay with the possibility
That I
May never know.

I wonder
How it is possible
That I am able
To miss something
So terribly
That I
Have never had
That
Has never
Been mine.

You are a kind of comfort
I want to wrap myself in
A type of warmth
That I have never quite known
It is christmas in your arms
There are street lights in my stomach
And I am dancing on pavement
Dimly lit yet glowing
I have never been
So content with feeling small
But I want to be folded into the pocket
Of your favorite winter jacket
And found when shuffling hands search for memory
Admist chilly air and temperature
I know
That California
Does not know cold as well as I do
But if it did
I'm sure
Would want to be under your shelter
I'm certain
If California
Knew you
It would envy
Your warmth.

My fear of heights
Often overpowers my fear of isolation
So I fall
Closed eyes and full optimism
Open arms and empty handed
I jump
Before I even can see the ground
Sometimes
I don't even take precaution
Deploy parachute far too late
And leave no time for regret
I have always said
That I would rather dive deep end
And hit bottom
Than stay shallow
Would rather crack my limbs against pavement
Than stay entire on grass
I want to learn how to bleed
I want to learn how to break
Just so I can figure out
How to put myself back together
I am willing to shatter clumsily
Split carelessly
Just to know grace
So I will fall
Regardless if this ends in canopy
Or in bungee chord tied noose
Will give all of me
Even if I get nothing in return
Will wring myself vacant
Just so that someone else can be gorged
I have been climbing mountains
With the sole intention of looking up
I say
I am closer to the sky that way
And if I fall
It will be
With complacency
It will be
By choice.

It is time
To stop falling for people
Who don't have enough of their own
To catch you.

Something about his words
And the way they seep into my skin
Makes me feel at home
Something about the thought of future
Of blind promise
Comforts me
Keeps me close at night
Almost lets me forget
That someone else
Has his heart
That it is not some vacant capacity I get to move in to
I am not the only one
Who swirls his image in daydream
Wanting to taste him
Honey on my tongue
Both bitter and sweet at once
Wanting nothing more
Than to drown in eyes and whiskey
Fall quiet to tranquil arms
And ocean wave nights
Wanting
To know love
That isn't synonymous
With interference
My imagination
Works so well
That I almost forget
I am not the only star in his galaxy
That there is no gaurantee
Of becoming sun
More likely
To be supernova burnt out
Turned dust
Unlikely to be remembered
I set my hopes
Much higher than I can reach
Forget about my fear of heights
Dive directly into open hands
I cannot be sure of certainty in another
And most times
I feel more like a waiting problem
Than something to be desired
Feel more late night paramour
Than planned ambition
I have worn the name
Other woman
Too many times
Have it sewn on black lace bra
Branded on porcelain pale skin
Am only young girl marked temptress
I will never believe
That anybody could want this permanently
When all I have ever been is second place passed down
All I have ever been is sideline
Something to come back to
When the rest has died out
I tell him
That I want to be his only
That I could be
Everything he wants me to be
He tells me
I already am
But that there is settling in situations to be done
I tell him
I understand
When really I don't
Know too well that there is not enough room in a heart
For two to fit comfortably
I tell him
Okay
That I will be here waiting patiently
Hanging on
To his words
Until they mold
Into something
That can love me back
Until they morph
Into something
Tangible.

It was a tuesday night in January
A flight delayed two days late
Stranding me in California sun

I ask Ari
To take me to hear poetry
Without hesitation she takes me
To small crowded theatre on Fairfax
We sit cross legged on stage when she encourages me
To share words I had never before spoken aloud
Puts my hand in the air
My name on the list
Volunteers my voice to a hundred unfamiliar faces
So I stand
Bow legged facing microphone
Open mouth
And for the first time
Hear myself speak

Vulnerability has never been a strength of mine
But in those 3 minutes I was given
I let out the sawdust buried beneath my tongue
In those 180 seconds
I learned how to breathe open
Learned how to listen
That tuesday night in January
A flight delayed two days late
Left me stranded in California sun
And fate
Grabbed me by the wrists
And led me into poetry's arms
I never knew
That night
Would become start to new beginning
Would become catalyst
To finding voice in this echoed hallway of a body
That night
Handed me future
Gave me
What I hadn't even known existed
But had always been searching for

I was introduced to opportunity that three girls and one boy later
Would become family
I never expected
To find home in a place other than comfort zone
But leaving was exactly what I needed to reach it
Found parts of myself
In the words of four strangers
Found purpose
In the rhythm of our pens against paper
Found steady
In voice speaking vebrado
I did not plan
To navigate four hearts at once
But learned how to connect our valves
Just enough for it to work
Learned from them most
When raw and ******
Shaking at the times we couldn't bare our own thoughts
Our own feelings
Our own memories
I learned
That each weakness of theirs
Is outnumbered by asset
By strength

Cheyenne
Has a voice like a welcome mat
But closes herself off to most
For fear of goodbye
For fear of repeat abandonment
I want to tell her
That she has a smile like summer
And dimples one could live in
That I don't understand
How anyone could ever leave someone
Who is so much like sun
Is beauty and warmth
In a mixture that can only be swallowed
By those worthy enough to hold her
Sophia
Is crystal eyes and steel bullet
Loves nicotine
Almost as much as she does coffee
Knows how to stand stripped and bleeding
Without worrying about covering up
She
Has a voice like honey bourbon
The kind you want to pour down your throat
Until inhibition disappears completely
Julia
Fell into these words the same way as I did
Composes hers with softness wrapped in strong
She may not believe it
But she is more metal than any other element
Knows anxiety as well as I do
Knows loving is never going to be easy
But doesn't know
That she is so easy to love
Laughs at herself between embarrassing stories
Doesn't realize how much courage that takes
I can see
When her heart attempts to leap out her chest
Doesn't know
That I wait with open hands
Ready to catch it
Erique
Is old soul living beneath 15 years
Knows smiles and laughter
As the most important entity
Doesn't get upset
At my mention of his youth
Loves human almost as much as they love him
Looks to strangers
With outstretched arms
And ready heart

I came into this group unexpectedly
Expecting poetry
And leave
With more than just an understanding of language
I leave
With passion I had never known possible to find
Leave
With stories strung together by veins
With a family
That is more of one
Than I have ever known
More of one
Than my own has ever been
I leave this team
With gratitude
For three months spent working the hardest I ever have
Gratitude
For it being the driving force in my decision to move
To leave my past behind in another city
Leave my demons to the cold and highrises
I found purpose
In a time where I questioned its existence

To the army of fighting poets
You are the most peaceful war fought
Toughest calm ever written
Your battles have not been easy
But you have grown strong
The only casualties being the perceptions you killed
I do not know
If I will ever find this vigor
In another lifetime
But I do know
That I will never find it again
In this one.

I want you
To touch my silk skin
Until it turns sand paper rough
Run your hands down my spine
Until it curves into arch
Wrap your legs around mine
Until we become unison
Hold my unsteady body
Until it is still as the night
Hold it tightly
Until we wake to sunrise
I want you
To warm my lips with yours
Until they are no longer blue
Warm my heart with yours
Until it is no longer blue
I want you
I want you
I want you.

I wonder
If sleep will ever come easy
Or if every night
For the rest of my life
Will consist of tossing and turning
Of restless body
Of running thoughts
I wonder
If I will ever find peace
In silence
Ever find serenity
In quiet
Wonder
If maybe
The key to curing insomnia
The remedy for my inability to sleep
Lays in the hands of another
In the arms of another
If maybe
Instead of counting sheep
I could count breaths
Count the seconds between our heartbeats
Maybe sleep could come easy
If it came
With love.

I tell you
That you feel like home
I ask if that is too strange to say
You tell me
Not at all
That to be honest
You feel the same.

If I could crawl
The thousands of miles
To be where your arms are
Tonight
Then I would make myself insect
Grow as many legs and wings as needed
Just to be able
To get to where you are
To be able to sleep soundly for once
I would do it all
Just for one night
Where I would no longer have to share a bed
With my demons
I'm almost certain
That you could scare them all away
And for one night
My fears would turn to comfort at your hands
I could close my eyes
Without seeing past
Instead see only future
I could roll over
And see mine right in front of me
If I could crawl
The millions of seconds
Turn time into distance
To be able to be by your side again
Then I would learn to pull myself by my hands
****** my knees
Just so that
I could be at your feet
I do not know my strength
Well enough to try
But patience is a virtue
And I will wait as long as I have to
I will wait
Until I finally
Have you.

My mouth tastes of whiskey
When it should really taste of you.

My days
Would be so much better
If they ended
In your arms.

I don't know if you think things through
Before saying them
If you hear your thoughts
Before they exit your mouth
I don't know if you consider your words compliment
Or flattery
But noting that I am too pretty
To hide behind paper and pen
Does not feel worthy of a thank you
I have been taught
To value emotional intelligence over beauty
Value conversation over vanity
Would rather get lost in thought than in eyes
I do not choose based on appearance
And you do not get to decide
Which form of release I get to use
To rid myself of demons
I wonder if you would still find me attractive
If you saw every story buried inside of me
If you saw every line burned onto the pores of my tongue
Every tooth in my mouth that should be crooked
My pain is not beautiful
Therefore I have to find a way
To make it close to it
To make it as appealing as possible
I wonder
What kind of profession you would choose for a girl like me
Maybe waitress
Or homemaker
God forbid it's something that demands anything but smiles
If trauma had a face
Mine would be carbon copy
Would be ugly
So do not tell me
That my looks overpower my passion
That words would read meaningless coming from my lips
Your ignorance is not suited for someone like me
Someone who writes with fire in their fingers
And blood between their lips
You are not meant for someone as deeply rooted as this
The strength of my voice does not depend
On the body it comes out of
Its worth is not determined
By beauty
And I
Am not determined
By it either.

I cannot be sure
That your hands
Will be able
To wipe the uncertainty from my eyes
Do not know
If your lips will taste of promise
Or let down
Wonder
If trust
Will feel complacent
In your arms
But I
Am lending myself enough room
To find out
I am
Replacing stability
With risk
Placing hope
Over experience
With the intent
That
It will word
I do not know
If the outcome
Will be
As expected
But I am willing
To take
Your word.

I told myself
That today
I would write something happy
Compose something
As bright as they tell me my future is
But lately all I have been seeing
Is fog
Lately all I have known
Is lightning storm meets hurricane
I do not know
How to compile something that is not truth
And truth is not pigmented sunshine
Is not seventy degrees and blue sky
It is the pounding of thunder in my head
The rolling of harsh waves in my stomach
Memories do not sit sweetly on my tongue
Every thought of mine has turned natural disaster
I never promised to be pretty with my words
Have only hoped
They would eventually evolve into something less ugly
Something I could look to and be proud of
But in order to get to calm
In order to know steady
One must make it through the shaking
So I will write strong
After the tsunami
Will write beauty
After the break down
Will write buoyant
After the saltwater crash
I will write happy
When I finally know
What it tastes like.

I will never believe beauty
As it falls from your lips
Will convince myself
That I do not have any to begin with
That my eyes are too vacant
My smile too crooked
Face too dotted with freckle
I will never believe
That you find this mess
To be anything but catastrophe
I do not feel galaxy
I feel meteor crash
Do not feel
Like I am something to be admired
Feel too short
Too small
To be something you look up to
I will never believe
That my skin
Is blanket enough to wrap yourself in
I do not know warmth
Or soft
Only rough edges and cold
I will never believe
The words that stumble out of your mouth
And slip between your lips
But I will do my best
To catch them
With my own.

I have been in a relationship with my insomnia for four years
Have been on and off with my inability to sleep for as long as I can remember
Know him so well
That trying to avoid him
Is not even an option
His persistance so strong
That I have given up all attempts to leave him
Instead I attempt to please
Feed him with too many thoughts
And late night conversations
Provide him with anxiety
And reaccuring nightmares
It is easy to love something
That has practically become a part of you
Easy to get attached to something
That knows your weakness
Time and again
I have tried to end things
Pursued alcohol before bedtime and medication proven drowsy
But somehow I always come back to him
Let him convince me that sleep isn't needed anyway
That he can give me all of the attention I will ever need
Insomnia
Is the boyfriend I will never be able to break up with
Is the one out to get me
Is the enemy created by my own mind
By my overthinking and fear
Insomnia
Lives in the tip of my pen
In the bend of my fingers
Lures me with words
I cannot keep them inside any longer
Insomnia
Tells me writing is the only way I will stay sane
And if sanity can live without sleep
Then there is no point in doing so
If lack of it
Provides me with material
And the power to write away my demons
Then so be it.

I want my arms and legs
To know what it's like
To turn into vine
To tangle with yours admist bedsheet and skin
Want my eyes
To know
How to open up
To something other than darkness
Forget getting lost in despair
Have them get lost in yours instead
Want my shoulders
To know how it feels
To twist into something
Other than knot
To melt into smooth
Into comfort
Want my hands
To know
What warmth feels like
When it doesn't burn
Want my body
To know
How to let down its guard
How to mold from armor into flesh
From metal into cells
Back into human
Want my body
To learn to its ability
To hold on
Without fear
Of letting go
And I
Want to be able
To hold on
Without the fear
Of being let go.

My smile is burden with the weight of disappointment
With every let down I have been handed
Envelope folded desolation
I have learned to speak sorrow
With my tongue bended backwards
Trained in speaking a language
I might never fully understand
Sew stitching every reality
Along the corners of my mouth
Wear glasgow happiness
As if it's enough
To trick me out of my insecurities
Help me to believe
That contentment
Is not just temporary
That not everybody who comes into my life
Plans on leaving
But I am too familiar with goodbye
To understand welcome
I am used
To crossing my arms into shield
Knotting my fists into apology
I may never know conversation without sorry
But am attempting
To set my expectations low enough
To able to reach them
Without falling.

The hardest part
About writing
Is trying to speak
About someone
Who takes your breath away.

Dear Chicago
I have known you since birth
Was placed on this earth at the corner of belmont and clarke
Between thrift shops and sports bars
Amidst high rises and churches
At introduction was enamoured
Fell in love at first sight
Fell in love with your capacity
Your buildings
And skyline
Fell in love
With the way the pier's ferris wheel
Glows against lake michigan
How I felt invicible
The first time I ever rode it
A tourist attraction to say the least
But to me, has always been more
Has always been comforting
I claim to hate the cold
But the snow blanketing the trees in the winter time
Is a beauty unlike any other
Is painstakingly unbearable in it's temperature
But worth it
Worth the below zero windchill
Worth the frostbitten hands and hour long commutes
The weather has yet to prevent celebration
Couples bond over frozen lips with kisses and hot chocolate
Skates click against glass ice in Millenium park
I have always thought
That the city looks best dressed in christmas
In street lights
In holiday
In togetherness
In road rage turned blessing
It is hardest to hate what is shared
And freezing cold has a way of providing unity
As does autumn
How nothing has ever been more breathtaking
Than how leaves make death look graceful
How they make fifteenth story falls seem desirable
Something about the air
Feels different in the fall
But regardless of season
There is always warmth in the food
In the deep dish pizza that settles at the bottom of hungry stomachs
In the hotdogs that cannot be imitated in any other town
I have noticed
That some things can not be replaced
And this city
That I have grown up loving
Is not one that deserves to be changed
But still
Is imperfect
Is molding
Growing in ways more negative than good
In ways unwanted
Gang violence is no longer a rarity
Earning us a top spot on the list of high ****** rates
It seems today
That gunshots and sirens
Are the only music to be heard in the streets
That the jazz born here decades ago no longer plays
Only silent cry of mother losing child
Only unanswered prayer
Reports of daily shootings have become routine
Safety is not one of the stronget attributes
And a girl like me
Would be unable to securely navigate the streets on her own
Survive in this community turned war zone
Chicago
I have loved you
For as long as I have known what love is
I have painted picture after picture of you
Admiring your intricate details
Your originality
Your parts that can not be found any place else
But there are flaws
That have forced me to leave
Have driven me thousands of miles away
You must understand
That I needed someplace
That could offer me protection when alone
Chicago
I may not be in your arms
But you will always
Hold a place
In my heart
You will always
Be home.

There will be times
When your touch is not enough
To wrestle the demons out of me
Times when your hands
Loving in their intention
Will feel foreign
Will feel too similar
To every pair that has hurt me in the past
Will bare resemblance
To every one that has been laid on me
Will remind me of every bad memory I had planned on forgetting
So many times before
There will be times
When your touch is too much
And the amount of affection
Will be far too warranted
For what I feel deserve
Will feel overwhelming
Will feel blanket on heatwave blood
Feel like more than my worth
Worth more time than what I merit
There will be times
When you will have to practice holding me
Rehearse me into routine
Remind me that safety lives in your arms
In your gentle grip
In your palms resting backbone
Calming shoulders speaking comfort
I am still learning to be still
Still learning to not flinch
At a man's touch
But my skin craves to be loved
Almost as much as my heart does
And trust
Is something I am just starting to give out
So in regards to me
And the way you approach my body
Please proceed
With caution.

I wish I could write the poem
To make you fall in love with me
But I am still trying
To compose the one
To get me to love
Myself.

I am done writing love poems
Done pouring my starving heart into a never ending buffet of possibility
Optimism has never been a specialty of mine
Therefore I can never seem to pinpoint the positives
Or any kind of genuine reality
Only uncertainty
And minor cracks in the foundation
I am skilled in hanging on to breaking rope
With the mindset that it will hold
Too many times have I unknowingly tied my own noose
With over analyzed thoughts
My soul is always eager
To grab at whatever arms shoot out towards me
Justifying the flaws in their grip
With the only alternative being seclusion
I used to avoid solidarity
For fear that isolation was a trap to being made undesirable
I now know this is myth
That being alone does not destroy your chances at finding love
Love is a term that I have never correctly defined
I have spelled it out on countless occasions
Unaware that my definitions were unsound
Romanticising the blatant errors in every episode
Believing that love was supposed to hurt
Engraining it into muscle memory
I have hurled myself towards black holes expecting nothing less than escape
Only to find that everything has an ending
From it all I have learned
That happiness through another can not be created with metaphors
And a sense of hope
That it can only be made with sincerity
Therefore
I am through with writing love poems
Through with throwing sentences at people like lassos
You cannot make someone love you
With words
You can only incite it
So I am done writing love poems
Until I find someone
Willing to write me
A novel.