Love for me
Has never been about
Finding someone who makes you happy
Instead
Has always been about
Finding someone
Who is worth waking up for
In order to face the world
After all
Finding someone
Who makes you happy
Is simple
Happiness
Is sort of a momentary thing
Eventually requiring upkeep
But happiness
Is not a challenge
Instead
Find someone
Who is enough
To make you want to get up
And get through the day
Just so
You can get back to them
To do it again
Tomorrow.

They will never know our struggle
They will never know how to empathize
With our extreme abundance of feelings
We have so many words living on our tongue that sometimes
We almost choke trying to swallow them down
Therefore
We are constantly spitting them on to paper
And our journal entries look more like convulsions made by spasms of the hand
Than they do legible anything
But that's alright
We keep our heart in a metal flask
Open just enough to let the air seep in
Ready at all times to pour it out to anyone with open hands
Sometimes to the point of emptiness
Too many times do we leave ourselves with nothing
Having given so much of us to someone
Caution is not something we proceed with
Rather
Speed and recklessness
Blind optimism with eager motion
We are not capable of waiting
We are the ones who romanticize too soon
Fantasize in the most unsettling ways
We are the antagonists of our own stories
Yet we seem to always be searching for a happy ending
We are the wide eyed wanderers
The shy bodies built with open arms
Now and then
Love poems will escape from our fingertips
Never to reach their destination
Our memories are books we reread over and over again
Films that we replay just to remind us how it felt to feel
Our senses our heightened to the point where touch
Becomes crucial
And emotions
Become visible
We are the people
That you do not want to fall in love with
Because once we do
We will never
Fall out.

My way with words
Will never be enough
To turn my weakness into confidence
To twist my self-doubt into any kind of self-worth
Just because
I know how to make words seem pretty
Does not mean
I know how to feel like I am
Like I am ****
Like I am anything to be desired
My ability to write love poems
Is the closest thing I will ever have
To love itself
Is the closest thing I will ever have to stability
I am always inbetween
Always temptress
Never only
Only lover on the side
I crave to be more
Crave to be cradled by hands
That are not just temporary
I have never known permanence well
And am sick of watching people go
Sick of goobyes
Of false promises
Of not now but later
Of we'll be together someday
I do not live in light of the future
Only now
Only present
Day by day
Again and again
I have been told
That eventually I will be the sole patron of an unvacant heart
But waiting is not my strong suit
And I have sacrificed too much already
Without receiving anything in return
I give away parts of me
And save nothing for myself
I do not know the outcome of it all
But if I could write my own destiny
If I could write my own romance novel
I would put myself in happy ending
Put myself in his arms
And never leave.

I don't know
What your voice sounds like at 4am
Or how your hair looks
After a restless night of movement
Of midnight caressing
Of hands tangled in limbs
I don't know
The rhythm of your chest
The up and down
Or the pattern of your heartbeat
How it would sync up with mine
If our breathing would become concierto
Would become music
I don't know
How your lips would feel against my neck
How your stubble would feel brushing my cheek
Your warm breath
On my frigid skin
I don't know
How your tongue tastes
After it has been soaked in whiskey
After it has traced the outline of my own
I don't know
How your face looks in the morning light
Don't know
If your body becomes silhouette to sunrise
I don't know a lot
About what it is like
To be with you
But I think
I would like to.

I have been wanting
To wash my mouth out with soap
Bathe in arsenic
Shower in ethanol
Let it burn against my skin
I have been trying
To rid myself of every ounce of him
I have been picking at my skin
Pulling at my insecurites
Wondering how anyone
Could ever want someone like this
Worrying if anyone
Will ever want someone like this
Will ever want something that has been broken so many times before
I have reattached my limbs
Too many times to count
My wounds are not visible enough
To ward off admirers
But every word that slips out of my mouth
Is tangled with the weight of story
******* with the lines of a revelation
That I will never be able to fully write
I wonder
If every suffering was glued to my skin
Would you still find me beautiful
If my tattoos were passage to destruction
Would you still want to cross paths
I will never be a blank canvas
I have far too many paint splattered stains to ever be new again
I will never be a clear picture
I will never be art making history
I am only Pompeii in my destruction
In my catalysmic nature
But I am building myself back up
From the ash I've kept inside me
Rooting myself deeper
So I can learn how to stretch my arms out further
So I can learn to trust
I am hopeful
That there is future brighter than past
That salvation
Will be easier to swallow
If it is handed to me
By loving hands.

I don't sleep well
Most nights I wake up repeatedly
In hot air and panic
In midnight intervals
My mind overtaking my capacity to drift off
And nightmares overtaking dreams
I don't sleep very well
But I think I could
With your arms wrapped around me
Skin folding into mine
Hands moving down the trail of my spine
I think I could
With your breath in my ear
And palms along my curves
In the spaces of my back
I think I could
If waking up
Meant rolling over
To kiss your lips
If it meant
Tracing the lines of your body
And learning every part of it
I think I could sleep comfortably
If I had you
Next to me.

Do you remember
The first time you held somebody's hand
Felt the way their skin pulsed against yours
How your heart attempted to escape from your chest
And your stomach became home to 10 million moths
Flying into the light all at once
Do you remember
The nervous laughs
And the smile that lay between pigmented cheeks
Drawn from admiration
And bliss
How you never before found glow
In a lantern not your own
Do you remember
The lips that first wiped you of your sanity
How they brushed against yours with  seemingly perfect unision
Replayed over and over again
Heart reminding brain
Reminding body
How good it felt to be loved
To be touched
If that could be bottled
If any of the first time nostalgia and discovery
Could be placed in a glass jar
And preserved
Than we would need no reminder
Of how it felt to feel
And how it felt to be
Alive.

I am not the girl you marry
I am the girl who 10 years from now
Will out of nowhere cross your mind
In the midst of contentedness
And have you wondering
What happened to her
I am not the girl you swear forever to
I am the girl who you'll think of
When you ***** your finger on the diamond ring
You bought for the one you plan on spending your life with
I am not the girl you have to try to forget
I am not memorable
In any particular way
But one day you will think of me
When you're sitting in a bar
And the short blonde girl next to you
Orders a glass
Of whisky.

The first time you are told
That you are beautiful
You will not believe it
You will swallow it down harshly
Like a glass of ethanol
Force a mona lisa smile on your unknowing face
And say thank you
Say it like it's something you're used to hearing
Like it actually means something
Like it doesn't hurt as much as it does
Compliments aren't supposed to hurt
But you were taught them backhanded
Raised on anticipation
Expecting to feel a sting after every one you're given
Conditioned to regard praise as unfamiliar
As foreign territory
Body only knowing warzone
And battlefield
Not knowing genuine
Body was never taught how to be loved
How to love
You were too busy trying to learn to love men with rough hands and heavy breath
Too busy giving away parts of you in hopes of getting something back
And what was left over never felt like enough
Felt hollow
Felt maybe you were never meant to feel like you are important
Or desirable
Or anything for that matter
So the next time you are called pretty
Or something of the kind
You will have mastered the art of acceptance
Will have memorized the routine
Will be able to swallow it down faster
Quicker
Will know how to bury it deep inside of you
Yet still bare a vacant hole underneath all of that skin
You were told at a young age
That there was too much of it
That nobody could ever love thick
That they only want thin
When he tells you that you're body is flower and stem
Is garden
Is beauty
Is something to be admired
You will feel the same kind of longing
You have felt so many times before
A kind of homesickness
For a body that has never quite felt like home
Too many residents have attempted to tear it down
Have set it aflame
Have tried to burn you to the ground
It takes someone who treats you well
To realize how incompetently the rest did
It takes someone with intentions of gold
To realize that the rest were just rust
Flattery may not be a language
That you will ever fully comprehend
But it will always be one that is
Unavoidable
You will learn to nod your head
Learn to agree with a cause you might never truly believe in
Might as well accept the inevitable
So when you are told
That you are beautiful
Do everything in your power
To hide your disbelief
Your skepticism
Your complete disregard towards them
Your inability to understand how anyone could ever possibly love something like you
When you are told
That you are worthy
Do your best
To smile
And make it seem like you already know
Like you have known it
For a very
Long time.

Tonight
Is the first time I find myself feeling homesick
Feeling maybe I am not meant to be here
In this stretched out city that I have not yet learned to navigate
Feeling maybe these bright lights are too much to bare
Maybe it's the way the car I sat passenger in
Smelled of mommy's menthol
Maybe it's the way I have never missed the scent of newports until today
I am not one to turn back
After all i hated the cold
Hated the way the sky never seemed to come out from grey
And sun became such a commodity
That we'd sell ourselves just for the chance to see it
But a part of me misses rain
Misses the thunderstorms and lightning that would soothe me to sleep
Maybe I'm just weird in that way
Most wouldn't crave disaster like that
But I'm accustomed to ****** weather
I was raised on snow storms and below zero temperatures
Maybe this sunshine
And warm sand
Blue ocean
Is too good for my cold bred soul
I have always said that this is where i belonged
Where I am meant to be
What if we're not meant to be anywhere
That maybe we just are
Maybe we're just here because theres nowhere else to go
California
I have spent years writing love letters to you
Awaiting the day when we would be reunited indefinitely
I have always been one to romanticize
But maybe I built you up too high to be able to reach you
I hope we can be on the same level someday
I hope you can welcome me as much my heart welcomed you
Praised your beaches and mountains
Wanted nothing more than to learn every part of you
California
You have always been the center of my earth
Maybe always will be
I do not know you enough yet to say for sure
Have only tasted certain parts
Most of which were sweet
I am devoted to trying it all
I might never know
Where my place is
But California
It is an honor
To get to know you.

I am very good at deciphering certain things about me
In fact
Most all my poems somehow turn out to be lists of what I am not and why you shouldn't date me
I am just now finding out that it's not the best way to seem inviting
Or welcoming
I have been wondering what would happen
If I were to pour myself out
Empty every last part of me
And then swallow the remnants
What would happen
If I were to leave myself an open door
A no questions asked scenario
Just accept things as they are
I am used to picking apart my insecurities
Used to throwing them at any pair of feet that walk towards me
But humans are not brooms
Are not there to sweep up my petals of doubt
To clean up the mess I've made so many times before
It gets old after a while
And nobody wants to date the girl
Who ***** her ghosts every night
Who still sleeps with depression on the side
I have purposefully highlighted every demon of mine
Made a point to wear them vacantly on my smile
My weakness is often mistaken for confidence
So I embrace it
Thinking maybe if I come right out and say it
The sharp reality won't cut my lip on the exit
My mouth is nothing but an abundance of canker sores
Formed from every time I've had to bite my tongue
To keep my words from falling out
My intention
Was to write something
That is not just another eulogy
For my inability to be vulnerable
But like most everything that leaves my hands
It is unpredictable
And not expecting return.

What I would give
To wake up next to you
Bodies tangled vines
Legs wrapping around backbone
Skin stained from the previous night's hunger
From eager lips
What I would give
To have you run fingers down my xylophone ribs
Every morning
Play me into routine
Sing each note that leaves my lips
Each breathless hello
Each half whispered stay
Each please don't go
What I would give
To know the exact shape of your palms
Have them folded into memory
Making home in the dimples of my back
In the curve of my spine
Not allowing for goodbye
Reading only welcome
What I would give
To run hands through your hair
Through the saltwater aftermath
Through sand dusted in from the wind
From a day spent in beach sun
What I would give
To bury myself in the vacant parts of you
And never leave
What I would give
To fall asleep next to your mumbling
Next to your 3am curiosity
With your breath against my ear
And toes weaved together like the silk from our bedsheets
What I would give
Is not enough to shrink the space between us
Is not enough to turn distance into nonexistence
But boy,
What I would give
To have you next to me

I would give everything from the arch of my soles
To my abundance of freckles
To be with you

In order to be with you
I would give
All of me.

I have been trying to stop romanticizing introductions
Attempting to grasp the reality
That not everyone I meet is a potential soulmate
My mind was just born open I guess
Conditioned to want to love at first sight
I am more so addicted to people than I am smoking
I have been trying my hardest
To keep my expectations low
Understand that not everybody has the intention of staying
I have had too many hellos turn into goodbyes
And
Too many hugs turn to leaving
I had been trying
To learn the opposite of welcome
Embrace temporariness with arms as wide as my eaget heart
So when we met
On a directionless sunday
In the living room you were calling home for the week
Know that
It took everything in my power
To not let down my guard
It wasn't until the quiet of the night
That I realized
I had already dropped
Goodnight turned to words to questions
To 3am caress
I was in your arms before I could even stop myself from letting go
But you
Are not the meaningless
One night momentary bliss I am used to
You
Are everything I have tried to avoid
For fear of losing again
I am trying to figure out how it is possible
That you are the kind of thing I'd been attempting to refrain from
Yet exactly what I want at the same time
You are the nicotine from the 5am cigarrette on your last night in town
Your goodbye serving as reminder to everytime I have been let down
But there was more hope in your seven letter goodbye
Than there is in any poem I have ever written
I am saying grace in a language that I still do not fully understand
And although both distance and time
Are two names that usually define ending
I see beginning
I see different
When we kissed
I could taste the promise of future on your lips
My hands spelled out in the creases of your back
Said exactly the same as you did before you left
Said please don't forget me
So please
Don't.

Most nights I cannot sleep
There is no amount of melatonin that could shut my eyes just enough to keep them from breaking back open
Nothing that will wipe my memory clean enough for me to dream on a blank canvas
Most nights I am too taunted by past to imagine the future
Spend the time between laying down and deep sleep
Trying to open every door that was left unlocked
Retracing steps that are far too buried to be seen
Most nights I cannot sleep
Cannot bare to remember every moment I used to wish I'd never forget
Held on to seconds like they would somehow stay
I learned that most people don't
And am so easily haunted by visions of those who didn't
You were the first to leave me breathless and wondering
Hands filled with shards of glass that I wanted to give back to you
Thought maybe you'd come back if you knew how much it hurt to have you leave
I cannot sleep
There are monsters in my closet
Most nights I can drown out their noise
With the volume of late night tv and sitcoms with laugh tracks
But sometimes my thoughts are too loud for even my own head
See the thing is
The monsters in my closet
Do not have multiple eyes and green skin
They wear your smile and smell of marlborro reds
My cigarette of choice
So comforting
That it almost makes me forget that you're not next to me
That you left a long time ago
Said the only reason you stayed in the first place is because you didn't know
How to tell me that I meant nothing to you
Didn't know how to put out a fire started from a match you lit yourself
Never knew how to take the blame for your own mistakes
When you totalled your brand new car on the side of the highway and blamed it on the cracks in the road
You can not rush into things
Speed towards them 80 miles per hour
And then not take account for their injuries
At times I wish you would have left me with bruises and a ****** nose
I've learned physical wounds are a lot easier to explain
It's hard to understand what cannot be seen
I haven't seen you in a year
Do not know where you are now
Or what you do with your time
I don't know if you still smoke
Or if you listen to the same type of music
To be honest
I can't even remember the sound of your laugh
But I do remember most of what you were
When I thought I loved you
Most nights I cannot sleep
But I have reached the point
Where you are no longer in my days
In fact you only show up
Only come out
Only are visible
When the lights are off
And It is dark.

2 days
It took two days for me to fall
And far I have fallen

See I've always been careful
Watching every step to make sure I don't walk along a crack
I'm superstitious in that way I guess
I've always been one
To keep my hands out in front of me
So that when I do trip
I can catch myself
Hands over my heart
I do not do trust falls
Do not let myself lean backwards into just any pair of arms
Do not have enough faith in humanity to do so
But every now and then
I let my guard down
Do not mean to
But I do
Security is hard enough as is
Keeping unwanted palms off my body is a kind of routine I have come to know well
Putting up a barbed wire fence along the circumference of my skin
I have been touched too many times without consent
Without invitation
I have learned to flinch at a man's touch
I have been conditioned to stand stiff
To stay still
So
When I finally let myself go
Let my arms fall to my sides
Close my eyes and descend,
I hope for the best
Know that I do not do this often
Do not do this lightly
Do not melt with ease
My bones are not made of wax
My limbs are not candle sticks
Instead
They are iron
Titanium built
So when I get weak in the knees
Know that it is a rarity
That vulnerability is not a strength of mine
Baring my soul
Is the most naked I could possibly be
The thing about me
Is that
I have an addictive personality
But regardless
Of how much I smoke
I will always find people more addicting than nicotine
I do not usually think things over
I am more impulsive than anything else
But know that you are an impulse
That I would be happy to wake up next to
Know that you are not one of my spur of the moment tattoos
I will not regret you in the morning
See
I am trying
So hard
To let my parachute open up
Trying so hard
To float down gently,
Not worry about whether or not someone will catch me
But I am still holding on
Just in case
I hit the ground

I am willing to take risk.

My mouth is full of moths
My words are not pretty
They do not flutter out with grace and ease
Instead
Twitching as they find their exit from my lips
They are not butterfly
With a name so smooth that it rolls off the tongue
I am not monarch
But
The decaying flesh it preys upon
The contrast between beauty and reality
I do not know why
Why
People like me are attracted to light
I guess it makes since
To swim towards brightness
When you've spent so much of your life in the darkness
Cocooned in between empty spaces
Nesting in silk spun from my own silence
I have spent months inside my shell
Learning how to find my own voice
Learning how to speak my own language
Hearing myself talk for 18 years but for the first time actually listening
Like moth
Touch sends me fleeting
Like moth
Attention back into hiding
I am not conspicous
Nor do I crave to be
Like caterpillar
We
Are all given blind hope
Told that someday
We will be noticed
Visible
Beautiful
But some spend so much time
Preparing for glory
That they forget storybooks lie
That in real life
The very hungry caterpillar
Who was promised butterfly
Becomes moth
Moth
What most see as ugly
And intrusive
Chewing holes in your finest clothing
Making home unwanted places
Moth is undesired
Butterfly is welcomed
Tell me why
One is invited in and the other shut out
Moth is not pretty
Moths lack ofbeauty
Is enough
To disregard it
All at once
Different is enough
To disregard all at once
Do not disregard me
Because I am not ideal
Because i am not fully painted winged beauty
We as a society only stop to see what catches the eye
Unable to notice the intricisies
Of darkness
So look a little closer
Try a little harder
Because if anything is to be known
It is that beauty
Is not
In the obvious.

I am the kind of person
To write love poems for someone I just met
Thinking that maybe words can make up for my lack of confidence
My quirkiness
My overwhelming insecurities
And that awkward laugh that often escapes my mouth without warning
Phrases eager to leave my lips
I compose sonnets without thinking
Sew them on to jean pockets so that
Everytime you get undressed
You think of me
I don't know if that's socially acceptable
But I'm willing to take the risk
See
I am the person
Who fears coming off as creepy
Yet still hands out lines of poetry like candy on street corners
I swear my purpose
Is not
To reel you in
Capture you between spiderwebs spun from my fingertips
My intentions are honest
I am not looking for one night stand
Meaningless
Not on a constant hunt for momentary happiness
I want something that will last longer than sweetness
Longer than saccharin
Hit harder than whiskey
Won't leave a bitter aftertaste on my tongue
I have drowned too many times in salty waters
To know that I am more likely to sink than float
I have not yet learned how to swim in the deep end
I do not know how many attempts it will take to get to the center of me
There is no sweet middle
Waiting to be divulged
I have blocked off the pathways to myself
Not very often do I open them back up
I have a sign tied around my body stating
Warning
Do not enter
You might get stuck
I have a heart that is filled with quicksand and duct tape
The longer you stay around the harder it is
For me to let go
I am not trying to trap people
But everytime they leave,
A part stays with me
I have a photo albums on the insides of my skin
Sometimes the memories flowing through my veins pile up
And it is too much
All at once
I am the kind of person
Who runs towards sharp edges of opportunity with open arms
And then complains about the bleeding
I am the kind of person
Who can't help but repeat
Repeat
Everything I feel
Until I don't feel it anymore
I have promised myself
That I will stop falling at first sight
I have hit my head relentlessly
With severity
Too many times
But has never been enough for me to stop
None of this
Has ever been enough for me to stop
I am the kind of person
To write love letters
And never send them
Keeping them behind locked doors
Keeping them
For myself
To remember every detail
I am the kind of person
That may never know
How exactly
To love
I am still learning
How to love
Myself.

I am not the girl that most want to love
I am a siren at all times
Full volume blasting
I do not keep my words bottled up
I have far too many
And not enough places to store them
Instead
I am vocal
Wear my ripped out heart on my sleeve
Still bleeding from the times
I've had to bury it back inside of me
I have dug it out on various occasions
Only to sew it back again
I have never much of a repairman
My veins are blue
With the stories that coarse through my body
I have so many
That sometimes I worry I will burst
Fragile skin turned volcano
Lava running through my bones
I am not gentle
Or sweet
Rather harsh
And honest
I am not a sugar coated mixed drink
But
Bourbon taken straight from the bottle
I am bitter
With a tendency to burn throats
And leave headaches
I am unapologetic
In my ****** ways
Do not call me sweetie
When I am the farthest thing from candy
I will leave a forest fire in your mouth
Melt down everything in my path
And still not know how to say sorry
I am anything but
Polite
I am stubborn, taurus, bull
Anything but amiable
I am not the girl your mother ordered
I am the one she warns you about
I am more medusa than aphrodite
I am not goddess
Nor princess
I do not yearn to be swept off my feet
Simply to be desired
For more than just one night
Nicotine lovers that want only momentary bliss
You will not get me momentarily
I cling like black ash on white sheets
Smoke that stays in the air
Leaving you gasping for breath
I am not the doe-eyed
Day wandering
Innocence that men crave
I am not delicate
Not silk
Rough to the touch
Spikes that can ***** yku
But my edges smooth over
When I love
And when I love,
I love hard
I am not the girl
That most want to love back
I am not one to stand out
I am an opal among diamonds
I do not need to shine
In order to know that I'm beautiful
I am an oak among palms
I am hoping that someday
Someone will be able to admire my wood
Scars and all
I am not the girl that most want to love
I am not the girl
I am not
I am
Girl
I am human
I am willing to open my wide reaching arms
Willing to let down my titanium plated guard
Mold my brass knuckles back into bone
Turn my metal wired fists into string that you can wrap around your fingertips
I am willing to ease
But I am not
Willing to change
I am not the girl that most want to love
I am a tree in a forest full of split branches
I am not the girl that most want to love
But I am anything
But
Hollow.

Just yesterday
We were 12 years old
Plagued by acne and awkward physicality
Attempting to conquer middle school and everything that comes with it
******* too large for our scrawny figures
Pale skin
Freckles painting our faces
Yesterday we were 12
I swear we were just
Giggling about boys between slow dances at whatever bar mitzvah was that weekend
Smiling as they stared at awe at our changing bodies
Sticks blooming into carved wood
Futures as tall as we were hoping to become
Although I myself never made it past 5 foot 2
It was the promise that kept us going
The promise of straight teeth and symmetrical eyeliner
The desire to have boys' hands on our skin
Craving the rough callus against our delicate thighs
There were no cages back then
Our stomachs were filled to the rim with butterflies
Free to do as they please
We never thought twice
Only did
Immersing ourselves in adventures
Back before excitement moved to glass bottles and late nights with crowded rooms
Back when
It lived in our backyards and the mall down the street
The other day
We were 12 years old
But today I just feel old
Feel strange
Feel like I left a part of me back home
I am miles away from where I was at 12 years
But it feels so close in time
Feels like I can still look in the mirror
To find us in poorly applied makeup
In Ill fitting pants and hot topic t shirts
Neon pink accessories
I find it hard to believe
That these people have been gone for six years already
And that for the first time since meeting
They will be apart
We have been through it all
The good
The bad
The disappointing
The awkward and embarassing
All of these years in my life
Have already passed
So why do I feel like they are still stuck to my skin
Why do I feel like nothing has changed at all
I know
That change is inevitable
That time goes on no matter how many times we hit snooze
That we are older and that this is real life and we don't get to choose whether it's easy or not
That we have to face it head on
I know we're going down separate paths
But they have to connect somewhere
I know they will someday
Someday we will look back
And say
Yesterday we were 18
Where the **** did time go?
I don't know where it did
But until we find it
Let's just breathe
Take it in
Go slow.

I have known pain
In every form
All too well
My box of memories is filled to the rim with moments so vivid
That if I close my eyes
I can almost taste the blood between my teeth
Pain has been
Someone I have turned to
When emotion has defeated feeling
Sometimes just a pinch of the skin
To remind myself
That I am real
That this
Is real
Pain is an alarm clock ringing
Begging us to wake up
In a world full of dreamers
Who just cant seem to face reality
Without pain
Without the sandpaper glued to our palms
Life would slip right through our fingers
Pain is attached to every year of my life
Marking the moments that mattered most
From ages where seconds of happiness seem blurred
And mostly pain is remembered
Age 4
Chin shattering against the kitchen floor
Skin and bone to hardwood
When a game of horsey with my older brother
Goes too far
Stiches sewing me back into place
I can still taste the melted twix bar that I was given
For being such a good patient
Age 7
Scrapes from falling off the bicycle
Were enough to get me to stop trying
Needless to say
I never learned how
Age 12
Words thrown at me like razor blades in the school cafeteria
Hurt enough for me
To use them against myself
In fits of aching rage
My body refuses to let me forget
Age 15
Watching my father
Sick from chemotherapy
Hunched over in agony
Hair falling to the ground like the ashes of cancer victims
Watching him suffer
Hurt more than any broken bone
Than
Any paper cut
Scratch to the surface
The worst kind of pain I've learned
Is the kind that can not be erased from memory
With a rub to the eyes
Is the kind where
You are forced to watch
Loved ones
Experience it
Without being able to help
Or do anything to ease their discomfort
The worst kind of pain
Is being witness
Is being bystander
Pain is more than a bully
Pain is a backstabbing neighbor
Who pulls a gun to your head just when you think you've got it right
Is a ghost
A physical form that fades
But remains forever alive in memory
In the faces of people you've hurt
In the scars of skin that forces you to remember what happened
What happened
Does not define you
But the thing about pain
Is that whether or not you want it to
It shapes you.

This skin that I live in
Has not always been home
When people ask me why I have turned my body
Into a canvas
Into a picture printed piece of art
I respond
With a smile
And a shrug
But I know that the reasons
Go much deeper in me than the needle has
That there is
A volcano explanation
Waiting to errupt from my mouth
But it is not worth the energy
So I lift my shoulders up
And let them fall back down
I am often asked
What I would do
If I woke one morning
With regret burning inside of me
Filling my lungs like smoke from a wildfire
What I would do
If I learned to hate
The self-inflicted artwork that adorns my limbs
My response to that is not one I can cover with a laugh and a movement
Too many times
Have I awoke with a hatred for myself
So strong
That I've had to water it down with whiskey
Too many times
Right before my eyes
Have I seen my skin morph into alien green
Into stranger's clothing
Unfamilarity becoming a familiar concept
When people ask me
About fear of regret
I want to tell them
That my only fear
Is not having any
That if
A drawing on my skin
Is my biggest remorse
Than lucky I will be
I am told
That when I get old
When my skin is
Wrinkled and worn from
Years of experience
I will be embarassed of the photo albums glued to my body
But if I live long enough
To tell the stories
Of my limbs
If I live that long
I will know that
At that young age
It was
And
They were
Exactly what I wanted
I would rather have
A painted complexion
Than a vacant blank page
Rather have
An ocean of color
Than a sea of scars
If the filling of ink in my pores
Is a step towards
Learning to love myself
Then who cares
My tattoos do not read ****
Do not read rebel
Trouble
I have hope written all over me
And that is something
I do not plan
On regretting
My body
Is something
That I do not plan on regretting
I am trying
To make this house a home again
I am determined
To find shelter
Under this leaking roof
I am determined
To become
A masterpiece
Because I know
I am
A masterpiece.

I have never been one
To be direct
To speak with clarity
But do not doubt me
My intentions are true
So I will write this
Will all riddle aside
Dear you
You who has
Been there for me
In every struggle
With a consoling arm around my shoulder
My life these past few years
Has been an obstacle course
I have jumped hurdles with shaky knees
Only to land face down
But every time I have fallen
You have helped me
To the finish line
I have never been one
To shoot for the stars
But you have made me feel
As if I'm an astronomer
I now see hope in every constellation
Every crescent moon
No feat is too difficult to overcome
I am overcome with thoughts
That I feel the need to let out
So that
I can breathe easier
I have known you for three years
I have spent two loving you
And just when I finally
Build up the courage
To tell you
It is too late
I am knocking myself down
Because for all of the times you've picked me back up
I never realized
How much I needed that
How much I wanted
So much more
You call me best friend
Which in itself
Is an honor
It is simply to know you
But I know
That I love you
And I'm aware that it's impossible for you to return that love
Funny because you make me feel
Like nothing is impossible
Like
Somehow being 5,000 miles away
Won't change anything
Like
Somehow I have been hiding out in the back of your mind
Maybe that's just my optimism
I was a pessimist
Before I met you
It's crazy to even think
That you could ever think of me
As more than what I've always been
But the clouds have cleared for me
And ******* the sky is bright
I can see everything that we could ever be
Right in front of my eyes
There is no need for sunsets
And rainbows
When there is so much beauty in what already is
See I've had a revelation
I have not found god
Or seen the light
But I see the light in you
And maybe someday
You'll be able to see the same one
In me.

Sixteen wasn't too far away
But I can remember it
Feel it
Like it was yesterday
Hearts beating out of chests
As if to reach for one another
Speaking language on skin
Goosebumps as braille
That only we could interpret
I do not remember every second we spent together
Only certain moments
Sacharrin memories that have stuck to my tongue
Can not be washed off with mouthwash or salt
They are far too sweet to erase
I do not remember it all
But I do remember feelings
I remember movement
The involuntary curve of upper the lip
Brought on by overwhelming delirium
Contentment
Happiness
I can feel your smile more than I can picture it
I can picture
The lone tear that would escape an eyelid
Every now and then in the heat of an argument
To remind us
That this is real
And it was
Our distance was never anything more than a few miles yet
We always stayed up to make sure
That the other
Was home safe
Tucked beneath the covers
After driving home
2am in pouring rain
It's funny how
Love comes in more than just four letters
In more than a word
In more than just saying it
An announcement
It comes in
Reminders
In ensuring well-being
In wishes
In thrown pennies into wells
In nostalgia
In remembering how lovely it is
I know we were never ideal
Maybe we fought way more than we should have
Our persistance got between us more than once
You a virgo
And I, a taurus
I'm sorry for being a bull
But I never meant to bully you
I used words like grenades all too often
I was a detonator
When I should have been shelter
Protectant
It was silly for me not to be
I was sixteen when I met you
And sixteen when I loved you
I'm older now
Slightly wiser than I was back then
But in reality
I'm no different
The scariest thing to me is that
It seems as if
Years are nothing more than days
It seems as if
This was all yesterday
That time hasn't even begun to graze our youthful skin
But it has
And it is
Time has touched us in ways I never imagined possible
We have already grown apart
Streched to other sides of country
Dipping our bones into different waters
But if there's something you've shown me
Something you've taught me
It's that
Your first love
Will always be your first love
Regardless of how life goes on
Regardless of who you meet
Where you go
What you see
Regardless of distance, time
Whatever it is
Your first love
Will always be your first love
And love,
You will always be
Mine.

Tonight was
The first crescent moon in a while
And the last time your lips
Will touch mine
See I have never been one
To believe in religion
Or anything for that matter
But loving you almost makes me have to
Because how else could something feel so **** right

Tonight I learned
That attraction can not be reversed
That although
Six months have gone by
Since our skin last met
We still have magnets in our bones
Opposite particles that reach for eachother with open arms
I can not explain it
Physics is just complicated like that
I am just complicated like that
I did not mean for this to happen tonight
Retracing the maps of your body
Was not in my plans
Was not my intention
I simply wanted
Closure
But what I got tonight
Was so much more
Than that

Before tonight
I had spent months placing my rage over hot water
Letting it boil inside of me
I had spent months
Learning to hate
Knowing that the only alternative
Was to love
I had spent months
Writing solely envy and nostalgia
Hoping that a pen and some words
Were enough for you to want to let me back in

I have learned
How to ball point my feelings into letters
But not how to embrace them

See I wanted to hate you
Wanted to scoff
Roll eyes
At the thought of you

Awaiting the day
When your prescence
Would be synonymous with inexistence

But it never happened
I've learned that feelings
Can not be erased
Only covered
Shoved into corners of your mind
And attempted to be replaced
But you simply cannot
Just change something into nothing
And to me you will never be nothing

You are a flame I set inside myself
Long ago
That will never cease
Will never burn out
The fire tonight
Was only a reminder
That some things
Will never die

So I'll leave
For the other side of the country
5,000 miles away
With less weight on my usually heavy heart
Knowing that I left part of it
With you

You can have it
It is yours to keep
It always has been
And it always will be
You always will be
My first
Love.

Mother
I see the sadness in your eyes
The uncertainty
The fear of solitude
I saw it the first time I told you I was leaving
Spat out in awkward silence during one of our quiet dinners
I told you that I was leaving
Going across the country
Moving 5,000 miles away
To where the air is always warm
And sun is in abundance
Leaving
To experience real life
For the first time
Mother
You took my haste decision to go
As nothing more than a reason for abandoment
To leave you
Alone
And longing
Just like my father did
But you see
Mother
I am not leaving to spite you
I am not leaving because I no longer need you
I am not leaving in attempt to forget every memory built in the drywall of this home
Mother
I am not leaving
To solely leave you
I am leaving
Because the roots I've planted refuse to grow here
I can not bloom into anything more than weeds and grass in an environment like this
In constantly cold weather
With bitter neighbors
In a town surrounded by people whos only intention
Seems to see you fail
I have failed too many times
To want to give up
I have lost myself on too many occasions
And am just finding out
Who I am
I know that
There is a longing in my heart for ocean
And sand between my toes
I want nothing more
Than to risk everything I have ever known
To be able to see through a different lense
I would rather lose it all
Than condemn myself to a life of unhappiness
Of wondering what could have been
Mother
I have never been one for small towns
And I have lived here long enough to know
That I don't want to come back
Mother
I know that
You're afraid
To be on your own
The typical story is usually about letting your little girl go
But there is no need to
Mother
I want you to hold on
And one day when you've pinned down the demons you've wrestled with for so long
The crippling anxiety that has left you confined to this house
The depression that has kept you prisoner to yourself
One day mother
When you finally overpower fear
And befriend adventure
You will join me
We will replant ourselves
Grow all of the petals we never before could
And become something beautiful
Mother
You have made me who I am
And regardless of where I go
You will always
Follow
Mother
I am leaving
So that one day you can
Too.

I have been
Piling my boxes of missed opportunity
Cursing at time for his ability to fly so quickly
Two weeks to go
And somehow I am
Still holding hope
That it's long enough for change to move in
To the house that I am leaving
Long enough
For the flowers I've planted inside myself to bloom
I have a garden built upon all of the chances
That I let pass me by
I have wasted too many good moments
With too many bad people
Spent far too many hours
Loving those who were poison
Feeding off of their arsenic touch
I was too naive
To notice that you were sacharrin
In a pool of sour lovers
I was too naive to want to change my perspective
To see you as anything more
Than arms to run to when my own were broken
You always somehow managed
To help me stand up when my bones turned to jello
And just when I get around
To realizing how much I need that embrace of yours
To be held against you as more than just what I have always been
To be looked at beyond the level of friend
Someone else has taken shelter in your home
I waited far too long to sign the lease to your heart
Now I am counting down the days
To when I will be 5,000 miles away in distance
And I wont be able to tell you
How much you mean to me
How much knowing you these past years
Has meant to me
I told you
That I love you
But I don't think you understand
That the kind of love I have for you
Does not crave to be platonic
The kind of love I have for you
Has recently gone from smoke to forest fire
From drizzle to lightning storm
I am aware that
The kind of love I have for you
Is not a kind that will be returned
But before I leave
I felt it necessary
To take some of this weight
Off of my already heavy heart
So that I am not haunted
By things left
Unsaid
And I said it once but I feel the need to say it again
I love you
I really
really
Love you
And also thank you
For
Saving me.

I am not a mismatched puzzle waiting to be put back together
There is no point in trying when most of my pieces aren't even there
I am not just some toy
Some mild entertainment that you get to throw aside once you get bored
I am not some science fair project
Some hypothesis in which you decide you want to solve
I can not be solved
I am an equation
A cocktail of antidepressants mixed with the excess of words I have bundled in my head
It is people like you
Who have prompted me to
Put up caution tape inside my heart
And around my body
My body is something I am still learning to love
When you tell me it is good as is
That I am your definition of perfect
That does not make it all better
Does not make me love it any more
Just because you think you can see something I do not
Doesn't mean I want to as well
I do not need to be told that i am beautiful to be okay
I do not want to be told that my scars are beautiful
When they are anything but
My skin has been a battleground too many times to be anything but leftover warfare
Dust and dirt
I do not want to be kissed with love
When these wounds have only shown hatred
It is not romance
It is disaster
I am not blessing
I am unholy mess
I am not a question waiting for your answer
Mental illness is something I never asked for
But I was given it anyway
I do not want you to want to know what its like
To wake up every morning to grey skies
When it is anything but cloudy outside
I do not want you to take any of my baggage
I have had enough practice lifting it with my own two hands
I didnt ask for your help
You can not heal me with touch and words
With roses and sappy ******* love notes
I do not need to be healed
I do not need to be cured
I am not sickness
I am complicated
And this complicated creature
Wants to tell you
That she does not need you
That this crazy *****
Has done just fine
On her own.

I can still smell
Your smoke stained skin
She asks me why
I have a pack of cigarettes underneath my bed
A small box of short marlborro reds
I am not a smoker
Instead
I like the scent of them
She says
It's strange that I do
But I do
I will sometimes open a pack
And Inhale
Breath in
Just to remind me of you
And my 15 year old self
Who I was back then
Back when I believed that love was supposed to hurt
Sometimes
I get the urge to light one up just to put it out on my skin
In order to remind me what it felt like to love you
I do not smoke
Yet sometimes the memory of you
Makes me want to until I suffocate
Makes me want to form an addiction
Start a relationship with nicotine
Just to remind me
How it felt
To be addicted to you
People say cigarettes are dangerous
But you are poison in the raw form
I used to hold my breath around smokers
But now
I take it in
Keeping my lungs wide open
And my heart
Sealed
Shut.

You remind me of rain
In the way that I want you all over me
Rolling over the arch of my back
Arms falling over my hips like drops
I want your skin to leave me soaking
You remind me of rain
You are the sound that could send me to sleep
Soothe me in moments of unease
Sound singing me into serenity
You remind me of rain
In the way that you can
Light up the darkness in seconds
I have never been afraid of lightning
Instead
Found shelter in storm
You could be my protection
Every night keeping me safe
You remind me of rain
In the way that I never
Want you
To stop.

This is not the end
I know that you probably already know that
But I feel the need to remind you
I know it *****
A lot
Hurts like one million knives digging into your skin all at once
Like the animals caged within your bones attempting to break free
Like stepping on metal nails with bare feet
Heartbreak ******* hurts
I am sorry that is does
I would tell you that it goes away but I would be lying
Your first broken heart
Will always be your first broken heart
But I can promise
Is does get better
I can promise
That your first is not your last
At one time it may have seemed like it should've been
Like it somehow just slipped through your grasp
I promise you
Your first
Is not your last
And it wasn't supposed to be
Believe me
There are so many other hearts you will encompass
So many bodies you have yet to learn
So many hands that have yet to touch you
The first might have felt like magic
I can promise you they are not
I can promise that
Moving on is the hardest part
You will feel gaps in the deepest parts of your soul
Know that you do not need someone new in order to fill them
Instead
You will heal from within
When you see him with someone else
Do not burn
Extinguish the fire with smiles and genuine happiness
For someone wise once said that happiness is the best revenge
And it is
That and
Looking hot as hell
Right now you may be going through hell
But it's just a path to the future
And the future holds so much more
I can promise you this
Look at it with wide eyes and open arms
Do not dwell on the one who broke your heart
I can promise that in the years to come
Many will fix it
And that the cracks maintained from those who dropped it
In the end
Will only make you
Stronger.

You are a map
That I want to spend hours studying
Drawing x after x
On each part I want to explore
Freckles as a path
I will trace every route from my fingertips
Every ridge
Every curve
Every hill
Leading to your lips
You are a treasure
That I want to devote my life to uncovering
Bury myself in your neck
Travel my way into to your heart
I will call you my shelter
Vowing loyalty
To protection
You will always be the road
That will lead me home
You are a map
That I want to frame above my bed
Stare up every night
At you
My sky
You are the constellation
That will remind me
Where I am
And where I belong
I know that
I belong
In your arms.

I think you are absolutely crazy
Crazy in the way that you can't seem to grasp your potential
Crazy in the way that you are blind to every trace of beauty enveloped in your skin
Crazy in the way that you are a full moon visible at all times of the year
Crazy in the way that you make crazy seem like a desirable thing to be
You are crazy
And I love every inch of it
I love the smile that stretches over the lower half of your face
And the laugh that follows its appearance
I think you are a treasure map puzzle
Beautiful in its inability to never be completed
You are pieces that will never be able to match up correctly
For some reason you never seem to understand that you are worth more than the ones you pair yourself with
Guy after guy
Each who is never fully capable of appreciating your worthiness
Guys who throw words at you like daggers in order to bring you down
I wonder sometimes how you are still standing
How after all of these wounds you have managed to stay so tall
You are still tall
He makes you feel small only because he is afraid you will outgrow him
I think it is time you let yourself grow
He does not know your true ability
And if he were to see it
He would not know how to treat you properly
You are a constellation that deserves to be seen at all hours of the night
Not only when he wants you to
You do not need all of the makeup that you paint over your freckled face
I have seen your complexion bare enough times to be able announce its beauty
And you are nothing less than extraordinary
With a body that most would **** to have
I wonder how it is that you could envy those that don't even come close to your kind
You are a sunset
Not the typical orange kind
But the one that is purple with hints of pink in blue in it
You are a sunset
That I would pay to watch over and over again
I have labeled you my best friend
Because I see so much in you
That few are able to
I only pray that someday
You'll be able to see it yourself.

There have been mornings
Where I have awoke in my bed
Unable to recall any semblance of how I got there
Yet so incredibly relieved that I did
That somehow I had made it home
In one piece
I consider myself agnostic
Yet some nights I found myself thanking god
That i managed to make it out alive
Too many times have I been a passenger
To drivers with weary minds
I still feel guilty knowing
That it's the one thing my father told me to never do
That my life could be ruined
By just being in that car
But more than once
I have found myself shotgun
Next to friends with more alcohol than water in their blood
How I am here today
I do not know
I do know
That my past would prove
That I don't deserve to be
I have made countless haste decisions
Been thrown in the bullseye of bad situations
Played russian roulette with beer bottles and pain meds
I have put my life on the line for the sole purpose of momentary excitement
Pushed myself just far enough over the edge to feel the thrill
But not far enough
To fall off
I have come so close
To falling off
And somehow I am still here
Somehow
I have cheated my way out
I have found loopholes in the same rope that so many others get caught in
What I have learned from this all
Is that most things happen
Without a reason
Therefore I will call it
Luck.

The human body
Regenerates completely new skin cells
Approximately every
27 days
I say this knowing
That I am someone
Your hands have never gotten to know
My skin has mourned the loss of your touch
Grieved for the freckles that never got to know your warmth
No memorization of the path your fingertips took while
Tracing the lines of my skin
I am a whole new person
Since you've last held me
My body
Is not the only thing that has changed
Crazy how
So much can differ
From the last time
You knew me
But today
You don't
It only took 27 days for me to become someone else
I am someone else now
My limbs can attest to that
They no longer crave to be cradled by your arms
You do not know me
And it only took 27 days for me to realize
That I
Never really knew you
At all.

There is a little girl
That rests in my bones
Inhabits
My soul
Hides within me
Peaks out through the cracks of my ribcage
And
Every so often
Reminds me
Who I am
I call myself woman
Now and then
Give my body to men
Who promise me fleeting moments of attention
I live in routine
Put on the charade that is adulthood
I almost forget sometimes
That I am not grown
That most of it is false
A cover
I hide under the covers at night
And still fear the dark
Conquer it with a glowing light shaped like a rubber duck
I sleep alone
But the pillow of my late dog besides my head
Keeps me safe
I am a person of habit
Afraid that if I alter the slightest details
More than just the content of my sandwiches will change
Change has never been a close friend of mine
I know him just well enough
To invite him in
But his arrival always seems to come
When I least expect it
I still cry
When I get overwhelmed
And the thought of unfamiliar hands
Makes me shudder
I am still learning
How to trust
When I had always been taught
To not believe everything you are told
I've recently realized
That soon enough
I'll have to confront the reality that is life
So for now
I'm choosing to protect
The little girl within me
Wrap my arms around her innocence
Shelter her from the hurricane like storms
From those who have come to knock her down
I'm choosing
To hold on to her
For my greatest fear of all
Is letting go.

I read once
That a rainbow
Can only be seen
In the morning
Or late afternoon
But whoever found that out
Has clearly
Never seen you
At 2am with the glow of the moon
Hitting your face
You are a rainbow
Visible
At all hours of the day
Shining brightest
When outside
It is
Darkest.

I have the word jealousy plastered on the walls of my mind
I do not announce it
After all
I am much too proud for that
But I think it
A lot
Run it back and forth through my head like a car on a track
Envious is engrained in my genetic makeup
So I make up reasons why I shouldn't be
Cover myself with thick layers of false confidence
Draped over my insecurity
She
Is prettier than me
She is tall
And
Skinny
Natural blonde hair that falls over her shoulders
Wears her smile like she is just happy to have had woken up this morning
I
Am bitter
Often overthinking the reality that life is
Plagued by my inability to hold onto happiness
Not to mention
Short
And what my mother would call
Curvy
I am not like her
We do not have similarities
The only time she is on her knees is when she is praying
I do not pray
Instead
Beg my sorrows away to alcohol and other unholy sins
I have never been able to believe
In things that cannot be seen
But she
Is different
She on the otherhand
Probably doesn't need to be touched
To believe
That you love her
Your word is probably enough
But see I've learned not to trust
For I have been let down too many times
And I constantly find ways
To build myself back up
So I call her a stripper
Although she is an avid church goer and I myself have never been
I say she dresses too mature
And although she is only a few years younger
I say she is too young for you
To make myself feel better
Let me be the first to admit
I am jealous
I am envious
I am everything that most people would probably never guess
I am all of these things
Not because I want to be her
But because
She probably makes you happier
Than I ever did

I know
That I should be over by now
Or at least
That's what people
Keep telling me
But moving on seems
Like an impossible feat
When I am
Still hanging on
To words said
That meant nothing
Hoping that the flame I set inside them
Will somehow not burn out
I am
Rubbing my skin with alcohol
Trying to remove every spot
Of where your lips
Once touched
Attempting to drown my memories
In bitterness
My words are
Too complex
For you to ever comprehend
But that has yet to stop me
From writing them
So I will keep on
Until
I can melt down your place in my mind
I will keep holding on
Until I become a master
In arson.

Nobody ever speaks of
The sadness that can be felt
In your bones
The kind that can be
Encompassed
By your whole being
Nobody ever tells you
How to manage
Feeling like a stranger in your own body
Sometimes
I am a stranger to my own body
Depersonalization
Is a term that
I have come to know all too well
I have come to know
What it's like
To watch life happen
From a distance
To feel
Persistant and constant
Dissociation
Nobody ever told me
About the depression
That can take over your soul
While simultaneously
Forcing you
To watch it happen
Without any ability to stop it
Sometimes I feel as if
I can't feel anything at all
And that in itself
Is truly terrifying
But I am trying my hardest
To take hold of the steering wheel
I refuse
To let it take control
In the past I have
Locked all of the doors to myself
Thinking that
If I was the only inhabitant
Than nothing could get to me
But lately
I've realized
That letting people in
Will not be the downfall of myself
Lately
I've realized
That opening up
Is the key
To finding answers
Is the key
To finding help.

How is it possible
For you to feel so empty
You are anything but
Hollow.

I have a tendency
To gravitate towards things
I cannot have
I am in a constant battle with
Air particles
Blocking their attempts
To bring me closer to you
But i cannot have you
Therefore
I am constantly
Fighting against gravity
But Einstein once said
That gravity cannot be blamed
For people falling in love
So instead
I'll just blame
You.

I'm hoping that the dust gathered
From things I always wanted to say but never had the chance to
Can someday be put to good use
That maybe
The words i wrapped around my tongue like barbed wire in order to keep them from slipping out
Will one day find their graceful exit from the spaces between my teeth
There are so many sentences that
I never let leave my vocal chords
Instead kept them as prisoner
Inside my weary mouth
I am burying myself beneath all of my missed opportunities
Hoping that someday
I'll be able to dig myself out
I am hoping
That one day
I won't be haunted
By things left unsaid.

Words can not be used as seduction
Poetry is not a means for attraction
And placement of sentences will not ever be ****
So when you tell me
That you long to love a writer
Know that it is not possible
To make love with only words
That the way language comes together on paper is not a form of sensuality
My words are not meant to make you want me
If it worked that way
Then we would all be attracted
To books
And I am attracted to books
But I'd rather love a human
So when you tell me
You want to love a writer
Know you are longing to love something
Much greater

I think I could love you
Not perfectly
But I could
Time has never been on my side
And distance is a factor
That I'll soon have to wrestle with
But I think I could love you
Devote myself to learning
Every part of you
Which is
Easy enough
When you already know
All that I am
Tell me
Is it possible
To look at a daisy
Like it's a rose
After all
I have always said
That beauty is in perspective
So maybe
If you look at me differently
I could be
Your rose.

When you hold me the first time
I will not be still
My bones have not learned how to be stiff
And my limbs are accustomed to being on edge
My insides are made of vibrations that do not pause
Even in serenity
Comfort I've learned does not always mean calm
I've been touched by too many unwanted hands
Taken too many times without granted permission
When you hold me the first time
My body will be alert
Even if my soul is still
I will be a whirlwind of movement
And untrusting gestures
Placidity is not written into the lines of my skin
I am lightning bolts
Asking you to be my rain
So when you hold me
The first time
Know that you are holding
A storm.

To the boys who just want to touch me
You must know that I am not a momentary happiness type of person
Overthinking is my forté
My name is not chastity
Nor is it easy rather
Difficult and complicated
Hard to crack open
There is no sweet center waiting to be divulged
I am more like the sun
A ball of pure fire that burns at the touch
Anxious at the thought of unfamilar palms and fingertips
Meant to be admired from a distance
I will warn you not to get close to me
For magnets swim in my blood
And I cling to no extent
I am
Surrounded by a force field
I do not let down my guard
So if you want to touch me
You must first
Learn to love me.

I am still waiting for the day
When I can look at you
And feel nothing

19/30
My memories do not corrode
Incapable of being broken down
Sap stuck to the branches of my mind
I remember it all
The first time your fingertips grazed the ridges of my back
How your breath felt speaking silence onto my neck
I remember it all
The nostalgia once sweet to me
Now tastes bitter
I've learned
To swallow it down quickly
In order to
Prevent it from coming back up
My memories are trapped in the lyrics of
Songs we used to play on repeat
Ones that
Used to define the whole moon that we were
That are now
Merely a crescent of what you left me
I am still trying
To figure out who I was
Before I padlocked every door of myself that I once kept wide open
I have learned that
My memories do not rust
So I am still trying to figure out
How we became iron
I am still trying
To figure out
How I could still long for something
That was never truly gold.

I once read
That in 7.6 billion years
The sun
Having reached its maximum size
Will shine 3,000 times brighter
Than it does now
I have always wondered
How it is possible
To know such a thing
When 100 years
Is beyond a lifetime
How we could possibly
Look so far into the future
When now seems like an eternity
And tomorrow is miles away
How can we embrace the moment
When we are constantly being told to plan ahead
And what's the point
Of waiting 7.6 billion years
When the sun is already
Shining
And the moon
Already loves her?

Dear depression,
When did you become pretty?
For as long as I have known you
You have never been anything more than
Thorns on sticks thrown in my way
And sharp rocks underneath my bare feet after I have built up the courage to walk alone
At times you have left me ****** with
Bruises and scars that wrap around my body like barbed wire
You have never been anything more than a metal fence amidst a beautiful garden
You have never been anything more
Than ugly
So I wonder who
Could have possibly thought you worthy enough
To place you on a pedestal
And paint makeup on a face that has damaged so many
I wonder how
Someone
Somewhere
Thought you good enough
To make you into a novel
When you are anything but romantic
How anyone
Could ever find you desirable enough
To want to take you on a date
When all you do is lurk in the shadows behind lovers
You are nothing but
Unwanted
So whoever it is that decided
That you deserve a spotlight
When all you've ever done is inflict darkness
Clearly
Has never met you
Dear depression
Society might have made you feel pretty
But one thing I can promise
Is that you will never be
Prettier than me.