This year I vow to change for the better but remain constant in my being. This year I vow to embrace this body, this skin, this figure, the only one I will ever have. I vow to love myself before I do anyone else. This year I vow to listen. I vow to be open ears and heart. This year I vow to be patient, to be still and trusting. I will not let the past spoil expectation. I will be as hopeful as I am eager for opportunity. This year I vow to not take health for granted, to appreciate the existence of it when good and accept the challenge when it is not. This year I vow to let nothing break me. Not disease, depression, or person. I will not fall victim to weakness. I will do my best to be as human as I can possibly be while also being understanding of human flaw. This year I vow to not judge. I vow to welcome the unknown with outstreched arms and a wider perspective. This year I will not hold on to mistakes with closed fists. I will let go of what is not meant to stay. This year I will try and do all of the things I've sworn I'd do a million times before. This year I will try again. This year I will try my best.

Sometimes I wonder if
I would actually love you if
You actually loved me

Rainy days are where
I fold myself into a pillow
Wrap body in blankets until
I am a cocoon of warmth
Mismatched and look
Absolutely ridiculous
I proceed to glue
Myself to couch and
Reread every book I've ever
Loved until my eyes
Hurt from looking for
Too long and then
Watch movies that make
Me cry because the sky
Is also crying so
It's okay for me to do it too
Sometimes during a
Storm I will wallow in
Self-pity while filling my
Soul with macaroni and cheese that
Is shaped like characters
In order for children to
Like it better
I like it better too like that
On rainy days like today I
Don't go outside or
Leave the house because
I hate when my socks get wet
That is the worst
Thing in the world
Occasionally when it
Rains I will write every
Poem I have left inside of
Me because it is much easier
To pour out everything
When you are not the
Only one who is wringing dry
And empty
I wonder if the
Ocean likes storms
As much as I do
I've been meaning to
Ask but I keep forgetting to
It is a great excuse to
Stay inside and do
Nothing at all
I love doing
Nothing at all on days
Like today
Rainy days are when I can
Pretend it is always this
Loud and quiet at
The same time it
Is always too loud and
Too quiet but
Never at the same time
So I remain a
Curled ball of feelings
With the sound of
Nature behind me
Rainy days are
The only days
When it is considered
Okay to
Be this way.

My summer love
We met on a warm Los Angeles evening
When the air was still and quiet
Cigarette smoke filling our lungs
I asked you for your secrets
You handed them over willingly
I placed mine in your palms for you to keep
As we talked minutes into hours
Into 4am and restlessness
The only time I have ever been content without sleep
My summer love
What a coincidence it was
To have met you when I did
What a convenience it wasn't
That you were from the other side of the country
Thousands of miles away in New York City
You left with the promise of return
But I think I knew you never would
My summer love
It has been more than a while
Since the few nights we spent together
Tangled and curling
Our bodies molding with familiarity
The irony of us as strangers
Loving like we weren't
I barely knew you then
I hardly know you now
But I am content
My summer love
We were never meant to last more than the week
Our lives were as different as we were passionate
Caught up in the moment
I am glad to have known you when I did
But realistic enough to accept past tense
You could not have loved me longer
Even if you tried to
I am glad you didn't
I am not sure it would have been worth it
What we had for that short time in June
Is something I will keep forever
It was fun while it lasted
But we ourselves,
Were not meant to.

You can turn someone into poetry
But you can't make them love you.

There wasn't a lot
I could do for you
With the distance and everything else
I couldn't give you much
Only some small piece of myself
And the image of my body bare
For you to keep
I would like to think the fantasy I spun
Helped you in some way
I know it probably didn't
And it was foolish nonetheless to play a game of falsity
The reality of us sunk in too deeply
Too quickly
And all at once
Our future,
There was none
I forget that in reference
I didn't have the time to care
So I stopped all at once
I'm sorry for that
I hope I broke your heart enough
For you to be able to write a song about it
Maybe melody and lyrics
With some semblance of us in them
I hope wherever you are
You are getting closer to happy
I hope you still think of me.
I know you do.

I am cleansing myself
Ridding my body of toxins
So that the next time
I open my mouth
You wont spill out of it.