In August you told me you would be home in a few weeks
I had hoped it would be sooner than that
It's a lot later now and I am still waiting
The chill of mid December has arrived
January is approaching quickly
You are completely out of sight
But not out of mind
It has been close to six months
And your ghost still talks me to sleep every night
It's hard for me to believe that I ever believed you
But I did
You said you were coming back for me
It's almost the new year
And I wonder how it is that I am still thinking about you
I am still thinking about you
Wondering if you ever think of me too
I am still holding on to your promise like it wasn't built of string
It broke the second you gave it to me
But I held on like my loyal hands could fix it
I know I should let go now
Maybe that will be my new years resolution
To forget you
For real this time
Maybe my new years resolution
Will have less to do with hoping
And more to do with changing
Cleaning out the contents in my box of future
Most things in it have reached their expiration date
Maybe my new years resolution
Will be to wipe your name from my vocabulary
To make it into a word I am unfamiliar with
Maybe my new years resolution will be
To stop checking your page to see if you are happy
I want to be the one who is happy
I know you still follow me
The past months have been spent showcasing my life
In hopes that you'll see it
And wish you were a part of it
Maybe my new years resolution should be
To stop wishing you were a part of it
Placing dreams on stars that have already burnt out
I am devoting myself to that task
And training myself to not love you anymore
But it's only Christmas eve.
So I've still got some time.

Nature doesn't let
Cement stop it
From growing
It still manages
To peek out
Through sidewalks
And concrete
Nature doesn't let
Anything stop it
From exisiting

So tell me,
What's your excuse?

You are not in my bed
But you are still
In my sheets
I have tried to
Wash you out
By cleaning them
Repeatedly
But it just isn't
Working
There is not a
Laundry machine
In the world
That could rid you
From the fabric
Of where we used to lay
Together
Molded by the formation
Of our pressed bodies
Stained with sweat
Our ***,
A pathetic excuse
For intimacy
It was not love
But whatever it was
Is gone now
I have tried to
Erase you
From the pattern
Of the blanket
I sleep with
It is the only
Warmth I have left
We used to drift off
Wrapped up in
Each other's skin
Holding to shake
The fear from
Our bones
The inevitability
Of tomorrow
We were never
Made to last
You faded
Right before
My eyes
Everything your hands
Have ever touched
Of mine
Still has your prints
On it
The material
Can't let you go
And neither can I.

My drawers don't shut completely. My socks are everywhere. I am wearing jeans that are too blue. I have been staying up late at night just to think more. The gym is just a few feet too far to push myself to. I'm surprised these jeans still fit. My lips are chapped from the winter which makes no sense considering I live in California. There is a rash on my chest that won't go away. I haven't written a decent poem in weeks. Most of them just turn into ramblings and lists of all of things I should be but am not. There are a lot of things I want to be but am not. I get along just fine for the most part. I get by for the majority of the time. I think I’m doing alright. I'm a mess to say the least.

I want to be intimate with you
Not bare bodied and touching
But a different sort
I want to see your soul as it is
Stripped down into nothing
Your demons in their raw existence
I want to hold each one on its own
Until I can understand how it feels to live them
I want to hear your voice scratchy and strained at 3am
And listen as words fall from your mouth into mine
Late night thoughts and questions
I want to learn your mind like it is the only book I will ever read
Memorize it top to bottom like it is my bible
You are enough religion for me to understand why we're here
I want to understand you
I want your dreams to come to me like I can make them real
Tell me your secrets like I am the journal you have been hoping to find
The empty pages you have been waiting to fill your whole life
I want to know it all
I want to know your fears
Your worries
Your happiness
And everything that keeps you up at night
I want to be the thing that keeps you up at night
I want to be the morning sun that you cannot wait to wake to
And when you do,
I will continue to get to know you better

I don't need your hands on me
Or your skin against mine
To be close to you
The best form of intimacy
Is loving someone without knowing how it feels
To touch them without clothes on
The best form of intimacy
Is realizing you can open yourself up completey without holding anything back
The best form of intimacy
Is laughing and not caring at all how you sound
The best form of intimacy
Is talking for minutes that turn into hours that turn into tomorrow
The best form of intimacy
Is time spent wasting
The best form of intimacy
Is moments
Is patience
Is devotion and commitment
With no guarantee of satisfaction
It is surrender
It is vulnerability
It is now
The best form of intimacy
Is quiescence
It is the purest method
Of affection.

You say you want romance
That you want it all painted out

You tell me you crave
Something beautiful
Vivid enough
For you to be able to stare
At it all day
And never lose interest

Well I'm not much of an artist
But I think I could be for you

I could draw in the features
Fill in the details
And color by number
Every single part of the picture
It might take me a while
But I've got time

My hands are unsteady
So forgive me if some lines
Are a bit uneven
I cannot promise you perfection
But I can try my best

I would take the steps to learn
How to capture passion
On a simple piece of paper
I would train myself in the talent
So that one day I could create
With a level of skill
Superior to others

See I am not much of an artist
But for you I would be
So I could paint the romance
That you want so badly

I am not much of an artist
But for you I would be
So I could paint you that image,
The one you've always wanted
And put both of us in it.

You cannot love
Two people at once
Even if they are on opposite sides
Of the country
Even if one is on the west coast
And the other is on the east
It still isn't possible
Eventually you will mix feelings like liquor
Forgetting how many shots of promise you've offered to each
How many times you've poured their glasses half empty
It is reckless behavior
That never ends well
Only in sickness and a headache in the morning

You cannot care
For two souls equally
It is not fair
To separate passion in half
When it is only meant to be given as a whole
And one will surely sense the uneven in the balance
Like a sinking boat with a crack in the base
Water flows to a side and leaves the other drowned
Gasping for air
For some sense of meaning
The sea is too dangerous to dive directly in
And it's impossible to be everybody's saviour
So don't promise rescue
To both
When you only have one flotation device

You cannot hold
Two hearts together
At the same time
Your hands are not big enough
They are too clumsy to balance the weight of disappointment
And theirs will be heavy when your shaking fingers release them
Dropping everything you've attempted to fit inside
Disaster will takeover
A hurricane of hurt will rush in
Leaving you empty and barren
With open palms
You will regret not holding on to one thing tightly
Instead you chose to grab on to two
And ended up with neither
That's what you get
For choosing quantity over quality
For stuffing your arms with more than you could carry
You get nothing
In return for greed.