I ask when you are coming back
I ask when you are coming home
After being miles apart for months
I am starting to miss you

You tell me Wednesday
I tell you
That is when I leave
And disappointment washes over my tongue
Knowing that it will be months more
Before I get to see you again

I offer to fly you out to see me
For a week or so in December
You could stay at my place and everything
I tell you it will be fun
You answer honestly
That it might be conflicting
You mention your music
That you will be working on it
And you just don't know
If there will be enough time
To sacrifice any of it for a break
You always put guitar and melodies
Before me
And I always resented you for it

I propose dinner in the future
You agree but hesitantly
Said the last time we were together
It was too much
An emotional limbo
That you never want to go through again
I ask if it can happen
You say okay but with strings
That I cannot kiss you
That I cannot touch you the way I used to
That the kind of touching I do
Should be reserved for couples
For those who are in love
And we are not

I want to tell you
That I have loved you for three years straight
And I have never stopped once
I want to say
That people will come in and out of my life
But you are permanently in my head
And my heart

We could go
Days
Weeks
Months
Without talking
And I will still hold you in the back of my mind
Keeping a place set for you always

I do not realize this
And how true it is
Until someone asks me if I wonder what my future husband will look like
And without a pause
I tell them I already know

It sounds terribly naïve
Maybe also crazy
But I have a spot in myself reserved for you
Somewhere for you to come back to

Even if it takes years for you to claim
Even if you never do
I have it kept aside
In case you ever decide
That it's where you need to be

I asked when you were coming home
As if the city we grew up in
Could still be called our home
When in reality home is much farther than an arms reach
I am on the other side of the country

I asked when you were coming home
I asked because
I am not really sure
Where home is right now for me
But you have always been
And will always be
The closest thing to it

You are a house
I could spend the rest of my life in
I know every square inch
Every detail that most would be unable to notice
Your arms are home
Your touch is home
You are home
And I am home
With you.

I am trying to forget you

Really,
I am

I have been drugging my memory
Repeatedly
Every night
Drinking from bottles
Filled with liquid strong enough
For me to untaste you
I still do

It's funny how
Nobody mentions touch
As the most important sense
Associated with memory
I still feel you everywhere

Your hands on my skin
I am trying to erase them
Your fingerprints must be
Permanent ink
They are no longer visible
But I can still see them

I tie my tongue in knots
So that when I choke
On words
It will be on my own terms
I still cough up yours

I am trying to forget you
The way your voice sounded in my ear
Breathless and humming
I can still hear the ringing

You are the melody
I cannot get out of my head
The music that I cannot stop singing

I am trying to erase
The parts of you drawn onto me

I have gotten four tattoos
In the past three months
And two of them remind me of you

I am trying to forget you
But I purposely don't try
Hard enough

If I really wanted to
I would destroy the proclamations of passion
I once wrote to you

If I really wanted to
I would delete the pictures sent back and forth
Like ransom letters
Thinking my body could force you
To surrender your heart

I used to consider swearing
To be a holy thing
You swore on so much
That it is no longer sacred

Humans are incapable of certainty
I have bent my pinky fingers in half
Just to come close
To believing promises
But people
Always let you down
And disappointment
Is inevitable

Your salt lips
And iodine mouth
Left a burning sensation
From every cut that you made
In mine

I am trying to forget you
And the way you said my name
How you only said it
Quietly through phone calls
Directly into my ear
As if you didn’t want anyone else
To hear you say it aloud

I am trying to forget you
But it is not easy
The moving on
Is a crossword puzzle
I do not know the last answer to
There are fifteen spaces left
That I don't know how to
Fill
With anything other than you
There is so much empty
Left over

It is much easier to hold on
To memories
And remnants
Of what could’ve been
Than it is to accept
A definite ending

Our future
May be dead
But you are still
Very much alive in me

If I really tried
I bet I could forget you
But I don't think I want to.

One.

It has been
Two years
Or maybe three
Since I knew you last
I can still taste the bitter
In the back of my mouth

We were in the same city
But your heart was somewhere else
With someone else
I think I knew it
To begin with
But didn't want to believe it

Two.

Colorado was your home
I was a Midwest rental
With a twenty-four hour vacancy
A place for you to reside
Only when convenient

You came back that summer
With more baggage
Than I could hold
I tried my best to carry it for you
I couldn't
My arms have always been
Weak
My knees weaker

Three.

I was
Desperate for affection
You gave me little of it
But it was just the right amount
To be able to stretch into lasting

I held on to your hand
Tightly
You held on to mine
Like you were hoping
To drop it
Like you wouldn’t mind
If you did

Four.

You had multiple pet rats
I said I didn’t mind them
I lied

Five.

Your dog loved me
More than you did

Six.

Your couch was uncomfortable
I slept on it anyway
I wanted to be
As close to you
As humanly possible

Seven.

We never made love
In your bed

Eight.

You didn't know how
To say no to anyone
Especially me
Instead
You said nothing

Nine.

You were easily
Taken advantage of

Ten.

I took care of you
While you took care of
Everyone else

Eleven.

I was sixteen when I met you
I don't remember how

Twelve.

You took
Everything I had
With greedy hands
And still managed
To call yourself selfless

I would have stripped
My skin raw
Just for you to have something
To keep you warm in the wintertime

You left
Before September even arrived

That August
Was the coldest
Of all twelve months

These are the things
I am recovering just now
Things I can only recall
At odd hours of the night
When I am laying in bed

These are the things
I don’t remember well
But I remember them
Enough to make myself ache

I remember you
Enough to feel the swelling
Of what it feels like
To give too much of yourself
Away

I remember you
I still do

I hope you remember me too.

This is not love
It is not even close

The routine
Is always the same
His use of language as a weapon
How his words know the exact places to hit
Boomerangs against the knees
Knocking you down into submission
He knows all of the right phrases
To color you invisible
Dissolve you into his hands
Purple and blue are only meant for the sky
So you rename yourself sunset
His palms against your skin
Are unforgiving in their contact
Grabbing and shaking
Cowering and pleading
His touch is never apologetic
But he always is
Swear his love
Begs for forgiveness
And promises to never do it again

You believe him
Every single time
His sorry is a silk tied noose
Deceiving in its softness
Wrapped around your neck gently
You forget that capability
Has nothing to do with appearance
That the most dangerous things
Are often dressed as gentle
Love and hurt
Are both four-letter words
But they are not meant
To be interchangeable
They do not teach you this
In grade school
Movies made it seem pretty
And desirable
To attach yourself to ticking time bomb
To crave something so volatile
But it is not pretty
To have to worry about
Doing everything correctly
For fear of not pleasing
One wrong action
Makes you a guillotine
And you would still manage
To blame yourself
For the beheading

This is not love
It is the farthest thing from

But one day you will find it
You will know when you have
When he takes his time
And listens with patience
You will know it
When his hands don't invoke flinching
His rough callus only knowing tender
And lips are reserved for kissing
You will know it
When the dull ache disappears
And there is no longer a sting
To follow
And you will say
To yourself

“This is love
That is exactly
What this is.”

If it doesn't keep you up at night
You probably don't love it enough.

Thank you Ari
For showing me poetry
Really
I cannot say it
Enough

If I hadn’t met you
I would never have discovered
That words
Can be formed
Like crystals
Molded together by this mouth
I call my own

I have known
This language my whole life
But did not truly understand it
Until last year
In January
On Fairfax
When you brought me to
A place with
A black stage
Packed to the brim with ears
Where
For the first time
I opened my mouth
Released
And finally listened to myself
Speak

We went
With the intention
Of playing audience
But I left
A poet

Sarah Kay
Was lovely that night
Phil too
But there was nothing greater
Than the feeling
Of being heard
And how my heart
Made the jump
From my chest
To my sleeve
And is still there
Also how I
Have the ten dollar bill
From being named first place
It is rolled into the pocket
Of the jacket I was wearing
That night
I call it lucky
Call me cliche
But I mostly call it fate

I will admit I cried when
Two months later
I was announced
Winner
At the slam
You drove me to
I think I told you
It was a better feeling
Than I could get
From any pageant
You smiled
Because you knew
Thank you,
Thank you

I also feel the need
To mention
Your strength
And how you are
The bravest
Person I have ever known
As well as
The most hilarious
You are skilled in the art
Of making people
Laugh
So thank you
For that

Ari,
It was you
Who introduced me
To the world of poetry
I like to say
I fell into it
But it makes more sense
To say I was lightly pushed
By a good friend.

Everybody loves a good mess
Until it's their turn to clean it up
And restoration is only appealing from afar

So I will fix myself
Without him.