I knew
From the moment we met
That you were going to ruin my life
And I was going to let you

I knew
When you picked me up
Your arms wrapped around my body
With the intention of holding
That you were going to drop me
More than once
And I was going to let it happen

See the thing is
You could break both of my legs
Shatter my bones
Into a million pieces
And I would still find a way
To come crawling back to you

Knees bloodied,
Hands torn from the pulling
I’ve never been one
For giving up easily

You could effortlessly
Take my heart and crack it open
Drink its contents
Throw the rest away
And I would still somehow attempt
To give you the remains

Call me selfless
But I am used to giving parts of myself
And receiving nothing in return

You could tie my tongue
My lips, my teeth
Split them into surrender
Into a foreign language
And I would still manage
To cough up your name

I have never learned release
Or let go
I only know stay
You could leave
One hundred times
And I would still wait for your return
With patience

Because kissing without permanence
Is like loving without memory
There is no purpose
If there is nothing to come back to
No reason in attempt
If it is bound to be forsaken

You had no intention
Of staying
This was something I knew
From the moment we met

That you were going to leave
And I was going to let you.

We grew up
Quickly
Wishing to be older
Wanting nothing more
Than freedom
16 meant driver's license
18 meant cigarettes
And 21 was left for liquor
For gambling
And finally calling yourself
A grown up

It was his birthday
A few weeks ago
The age
We spend our whole lives
Waiting to be
And he came so close
To being it

21
It has been
Half a year
Since his leaving
So abrupt in its presence
Death has a way
Of shaking you
Waking you up
Only to have you fall back asleep
Again
And forget about it
It's hard to remember someone is gone
When you don't see them
Everyday
Loss is funny like that

21
You look through the texts
On your phone
Years back
You didn't know him well
But you knew him
And past tense feels strange
Knowing these kinds of things
Are permanent

21
Your best friend
Introduced you
That night in September
Spent filling lungs with smoke
I think it was a high holiday
The four of you
Laughing over nothing
The irony of it all
Kills me

21
She loved him
Still does

21
Taking hits
Escalates
Into much more
One time
Is all it takes

21
It is his birthday
The first
Without him here
He can finally do
All of the things
We've been doing for years
In secret
In hushed voices
And in hiding from our parents
Except now it is legal
Now it is allowed
Now it is okay
But it is not okay

He is 21
And he is not here
To celebrate

He is 21
And his mother
Is pouring a glass of wine
Alone

He is 21
And his birthday wishes
Sound more like condolences
There are words of grief
Instead of cheers
His facebook
Is a collection of memories
And emotions
He will not be forgotten
We swear

21
We grew up
Wishing to be older
Wanting nothing more
Than freedom
Age may not liberation
But neither
Is death

21
Make sure
To have a drink
For him.

I can't remember
If I told you I loved you
The first time we had ***
But knowing me,
I probably did
My fingernails digging into your back
Your face in my neck
I most likely whispered it into your ear
Said it softly but loud enough for you to hear
I said I love you
Like it could make you stay
Like it meant mutuality
Thinking that maybe the lack of space between us
Could hypnotize you into believing
That you loved me too
A part of me certain that the air particles
Could somehow sew us together
And that the inevitable reality
Lingering in the background
Could never detach us
Convinced myself
That we were an atom in pure form
Incapable of being split apart when we were this close together

***
Is not synonymous with feeling
I knew this to begin with
Love and lust
Like oil and water
Can be separated with ease
Television and movies
Trained me in the art of one night stands
But I never intended to have you for one night
I didn't wanted you for a week
I wanted you for the amount of time
Where we forget how long it's been
Memorizing every single one our limbs
Ribcage
Arm
Hands
Skin
Then ******* the demons out of each other
To rectify our sins
Making love until we have no recollection
Of who we were before we learned each other's bodies
We were nobody
Before the conquer of this foreign territory
I wanted to surrender
From the moment we touched
But making love is so similar to make believe
That it gets hard
To tell the difference sometimes

When I slept next to you on your couch
My back pressing into the ridged corners of the sharpness
It was not out of convenience
It was out of purpose
Believing that withstanding the ache
Would show you how much I cared
Forgetting that your heart
Belonged to someone with a different name
In different city
Yet every night you still called my body home
Coming back to it repeatedly
Like a drunken wanderer
I thought if you did enough times
You would never want to leave
I convinced myself
That letting you **** me
Was one step closer
To getting you to stay

***
Is not synonymous with permanence
We should have never done it to begin with
Knowing quite well you were here
With the intention of temporary
I talked myself into your skin
Thought if I wrapped myself in it
Deeply enough
You would do the same
To me
My body
Was nothing more than a grave yard
For you to hide your secrets in
No treasure,
No gold

I buried my love for you
Into the curve
Of your collarbone
I bet it would still be there
If you looked for it
But I know
You wont.

Often times
We are so mesmerized by the chase
That we forget whom we are running after
Or why we started following their path
In the first place
Our intentions become unfamiliar
So caught up in the excitement
It is easy
To get lost in the chaos
Become addicted to the adrenaline
There is something so appealing
Beautifully devastating
About loving someone
Who will never love you back
The chase
Is the root of humanity
What we cannot have
Only makes us want it more
And knowing we'll never have it
Only makes our hearts grow thirstier
And our imaginations stretch wider
Believing it is better
To hang on by a string
Than it is to have nothing to hold on to
The chase
Is what fuels us
It is the catalyst to disaster
And we feed it anyway
Each day is motivation
Determination building from every let down
His failed promises
And excuses
Apologies and forgiveness
Those who show remorse
Do not always mean it
But grant it anyway
Forgive again
Play the scene over and over
He will hurt you the same the next day
And yet
You will still run
Arms open
Eyes closed
Trying to catch up
With what is ultimately unattainable
Attempting to reach
For hands that pull away
Kissing lips that speak only of now
Never tomorrow
Crawling with tired legs
And weak knees
But the chase
Is what keeps us
Going
Going
Going
Without ever
Looking back
The chase
Is what keeps us
Living
Searching
Longing
The chase
Is the heart
Of passion
We are running
With no intention
Of ever stopping.

Do not fall for my words
Do not admire my writing
And do not lust after my poetry
It is incapable
Of loving back

Love me instead.

Sometimes it's okay
To say

"The world is too much
For me today
But I will try
Again
Tomorrow."

I wish I could hate you
It would be much easier
But I don't
In fact
It is the opposite
I cannot wipe you
From my mind
I cannot erase you
From my thoughts
And although
I can pretend that I do
I do not hate you
At all
Not
One
Bit
And that
Is the worst part
Of it.