I speak with apology in my voice
Almost every word I say is followed by sorry
And my conversations are often riddled with insecurity
I do not mean remorse
But I was bred from repentance
Mother told me be cautious of my speech
Taught me that speaking my mind
Is not lady like
That profanity
Is not feminine
I learned to replace my ***** with apologies
Muted my voice with shame
Always reluctant to say how I feel
Afraid to withhold
I was told
That the worst word in the english language is no
Engrained this belief so deeply into muscle memory,
That when he took without permission
Refusal didn't even cross my mind
The word no
Never made it through my vocal chords
And out past my lips
When I blamed myself afterwards
It felt more warranted
Than actually accepting the reality
That this
Was not right
I somehow managed though
To place the fault on myself
For his taking
Of what is rightfully mine
I placed the fault on myself
Not for my inability to decline
But for feeling like this was what I deserved
I was raised
How every young girl always has been
In quiet tones and hushed voices
In keeping secrets and asking for forgiveness
I was taught how to please a man
But was barely even familiar with my own anatomy
Knew how to reach male *******
But not my goals
I was taught that women
Are here to satisfy
And that my body
Was made to satisfy
A present to be saved and someday gifted
That pure is synonymous with wanted
That my value was only to be determined
By the number of times I have slept in a bed other than my own
I was raised thinking
That all I could ever be was leftover ash
Nobody ever told me
That I am made of fire
Capable of burning at the touch
I grew up believing
That I was nothing more than a burnt out star
Dust to be picked up and reassembled by whatever man chooses to fix me
I was told
That I should call myself lucky for the saviour
And if I get the chance
I sure as hell better take it
I was trained to believe
That being with someone
Meant that *** is always wanted
I learned how to speak guilt before I learned the word consent
And I am just now learning
That all of this
Is mistake
What we were taught
Is mistake
But I am not a mistake
And there is no room for sorry to follow every question I pose
There are far too many words to get out
And not enough time
For silencing
I have realized
That I
Am meant to be here
And there is no apology
Needed.

Do not start something
You cannot finish
Someone will always be left
Unsatisfied
And disappointment
Tastes so much worse
Than rejection
Do not build
What you do not plan
On maintaining
Do not start a fire
If you have no intention
Of putting it out
Do not promise the stars
When you are only capable of dust
Do not shoot for the moon
With blind aim
That is how craters come to be
And this one expanding inside of me
Is wide with regret
There are third degree burns
On the inside of my chest where my heart used to live
I do not know
How to put end to what you started
I have always been combustible
And this
Is nothing more
Than arson
Do not start something
You cannot finish
Someone will always be left
In flames.

This city
Has so many bright lights
And 3.8 million people
That live in it
Some nights
I go out
Frequent bars that are too loud
Drink whiskey that is too strong
Try to drown out the noise in my head with greetings
And meaningless conversation
Some nights
I go out
Always secretly hoping
In the back of my mind
That maybe
I'll run into you
I can almost swear
That I see you
Every single time
And I do
I see you
In faces of strangers
In smiles unfamiliar
In shoulders that accidentally brush my own
I mistake each one of them for you
Maybe it's because everyone has the same stupid haircut as you do
Or dresses in that vintage way that you like to
Whatever it is
I cannot stop seeing you
I cannot stop seeing the ghost of what never was
The fact that our vessel had been abandoned long before setting sail
How your promises always read false
Your intentions never true
The reality that you
Are never going to be mine
And I
Am never going to be
Yours
You have already forgotten me
And I
Am trying so hard to forget you
But in this city
There are so many bright lights
And neon signs
That I am often blinded by hope
My imagination
Makes you reappear suddenly
And I start to see things
That aren't there
Put you in spaces
Where I know you don't belong
In this city
Filled with millions
All of them wandering aimlessly
I can only wonder
If your heart jumps out of your chest
When you see blonde hair and red lipstick
I have always been lost
And I can only wonder
If you ever find me
If maybe you stopped looking
A long time ago
Or if you never even searched
In the first place
Regardless
I still manage to see you
Everywhere
I can only wonder
Where you are
Tonight
And if you see me
Too.

I never understood
How someone could wake up one morning
To find that the fire inside their heart
Has died out
Out of nowhere
Turned to dust
I never understood
How someone could wake up one morning
And just stop caring
You did
With such ease
And I still don't understand
How.

I'd like to think
That just the taste of your lips
Could wash out every name
That's been on my tongue
I'd like to think
That mine could do the same
For you
But the truth is
I am not whole enough
To be able to fill your vacancy
The truth is
You deserve greater
And so much more
Than what I have to offer
You deserve a girl who won't cry
The first time you make love to her
Someone who isn't broken
Who isn't tainted by past
Someone who isn't scraped from rough hands
Who isn't built of memories and nightmares
You deserve someone who can love without fear
And give you everything
But I am not that someone
I will tremble in your arms no matter how honest they are
At night I will be restless and inconsolable
When the weight of the world is too heavy
I will collapse underneath it
I am not strong
I sometimes struggle in keeping myself intact
And I am filled to the rim with emptiness
You deserve so much more
Than what I can give
But I am capable of loving
Harder than most
I will pour out every last part of myself
Just to give you something to hold
I may not be
What you deserve
But I can try
My best.

This is not ordinary
I am used to falling
A few feet or so
But never the thousands of miles that now exist
You are so far
I reach out my hands and I cannot touch you
You are not there
Yet I pretend you are
Close my eyes
And imagine the rhythm of your breath
Syncing with mine
Picture your hands
Synching with mine
Our bodies
Poured together
A mess that we neglect to clean up
There is a certain comfort in the chaos
And I want to be in complete disarray
I want to empty myself into your arms
Want you to do the same
And together we will hold ourselves intact
But you are so far
I cannot pick up your pieces when they fall
My hands do not stretch the distance
And there is so much between us
But if I ever get the chance
If this space ever collapses
If it ever box-folds itself into disappearance
If we ever come close
And you want me to,
I will love you
And I will love you
Completely.

There is so much blue
In my life
It is the color
That I cannot stop seeing
It is in my eyes
It is everywhere
Blue
When you left
It was out of it
Blue
I panic, forget to breathe
And almost turn it
Blue
My veins scream it
But I still bleed red
Blue
My skin from his hands
I cannot shake them off of me
Blue
There is so much
I want to drown in it
The ocean
Looks especially blue today
And so does my heart
I did not know
That color could be felt
But I feel it
All over
It is blue
All over
And nobody can see it
But me.