The sunset last night
Was red, purple
And blue
I could have swore
I saw you in it
But you are not in the sky
You are only in my dreams
Only at night
When it is dark
I only see you
When the lights are off
And my mind is running
When it is pitch black
And my insomnia paints pictures of you
It is so easy
To admire something that isn't there
And some things in life
Are not as good as they seem
But the sunset last night
Against the mountains and quiet beach
Was that good
I went to look for you in it
And I almost forgot
That you
Are not that good
You
Are not even close.

Distance
Does not make the heart grown fonder
It rips it out
And swallows it whole.

I spill out the contents of my heart
Every time I flip to a new page in a notebook
I am forced to face my demons
Cut them carefully in half
Let them pour out
Then clean up the blood and guts I've left behind
And the mess I've made
Always turns out to be prettier
Than the process it took to get there
I turn the sting of open wound relatable
My bruises ring purple and black
And I let people touch them
Let them poke at the ugly
So that maybe they can find comfort in knowing
That they aren't theirs
Pain is so attractive
When it isn't yours to wear
When you don't have to carry it around all day on your back
And then tuck it into the same bed as you
It is difficult to drift off at night
When your pain speaks lullabies into your ear
It is impossible to sleep
When your pain wakes you up every five minutes
To remind you of its existence
It is routine
To go through the day and break off parts of it
Hand them to people
So they can find solace
In trying something they'll never know well enough to hate
The salt of it only tastes good for so long
And after a while
It begins to sit uncomfortably
It is so easy
To admire broken teeth
When they aren't in your mouth
So easy
To find scars beautiful
When they aren't on your body
I have gotten used to putting my distress on display
I am used to it bearing it with ease
And my body has become a ******* number 5
For everyone to awe at
The disaster and mess is striking
When it isn't yours to have to put back together
But the appeal is only temporary
And my hands are raw from the cleansing
There is still so much stitching to be done
To keep myself from falling apart completely
I am taking caution
When it comes to opening up
Holding the binding of book by its thread
I am too terrified by the inevitability
Of losing
To spill
Any more
So I am done pouring out
Until I find someone
Who can love me
Empty.

You do not miss me
It is impossible to miss something
That was never wanted
In the first place.

I wonder
If you still read my writing
From wherever you are
Secretly hoping
That you're still the center of it
I know
You would much rather do that
Than actually talk to me
Would much rather read my words
Than hear my voice
After all
My name looks much better in poetry
Than it tastes in your mouth
And promises are easier to break
When you don't keep them close
I wonder
If you still think of me
Every night before you sleep
I wonder
If you know
That you're the reason I don't
My insomnia is too hopeful
And memory refuses to let me forget
I wonder
If you think of me
When you're holding her
If you long to know what I feel like
While you touch her
Does she know
That I almost slip off your tongue
Every time you open your mouth to speak
You kiss with confused lips
They are not sure if this
Is what you truly want
You will say her name loud enough
To drown out mine
Practice repeating I love you
Until you can say it with shut eyes
I wonder
If you see me when you close them
I wonder
If I am still in your ear
From conversation miles away
Maybe it was the bad connection
That made me want more
But you
You are still in my head
I planted you too deep and
Now I don't know how to dig you out
Rooted you in the trust I never knew
Pretended like it was something
I was used to having
I could have buried myself in it
But there is none left
And I am trying to figure out
How you are still growing without it
Still molding into optimism in my mind
I want to believe you'll come back for me
I know
That you stopped calling
For a reason
But a part of me is still believing
That it's only temporary
The only permanent thing you gave me
Was false intention
That I will use to twist into material
Into something I will write with
And I will continue to write
I can only wonder
If you
Will keep reading.

The odds of being struck by lightning
Are one in 3,000
I watched from a window
As 13 people that were not me
Got struck by it
Just a few feet away
From where I was standing
And I am left thinking
About how that could have so easily
Been me
Out of curiosity
I looked up odds in a lifetime
I wanted to know
How often things happen
What came up
Consisted only of odds of dying
And I laughed
Thinking
About all of the other odds
That were more important than death
That were more interesting
Than freak accidents
And demise
How about the odds of meeting someone
With the same exact name
Or the odds
Of loving someone who loves the same stuff
As you do
The odds
Of throwing a perfect game in baseball
Are one in 18,192
The odds of finding your soulmate
Are one in 10,000
And more people are concerned
Of getting bit by a shark than finding love
The chances of that happening
Are one in 11.5 million
Sharks are not the enemy
We are
If you ask me
I would say
I'd much rather focus
On the rare positives
There are good things that happen daily
That happen unexpectedly
It is better to hope for those
Than worry about ones unlikely
You can measure the past
All you want
Give it numbers
And try predict future
But one thing you cannot do
Is measure life.

I believe in promise more than I should
Grew up thinking that pinkys bent together were the strongest bond there is
I am just now learning how to ease my grip
Learning
How to break the rope I tie with vow
Just before it catches into noose
I have been hung from the rafters of my own vulnerability
Too many times before
And I am learning
How to build back strong
Learning
How to keep my doors locked
Trying
To stop letting people in
Those who lure me with the pledge of future
Who tell me their intentions are golden
And I,
The silver plated woman
Have nothing to worry about
But I've seen platinum turn to rust right before my eyes
And too often does metal twist into deceit
I want to believe
That everyone who gives me oath
Is genuine in their undertaking
I want to believe
That it is impossible
To tell someone you care
And then out of nowhere just pack up and leave
I never understood
How it is anyone is able
To wake up one morning
And just stop loving
How you could swear interest for months
And then one day just lose it
I am done
Holding on to words that never meant anything in the first place
How many times do I have to hit hard until I learn
To stop jumping in head first
I am still believing
And forgetting the lie within it
Forgetting
That pinkys can break too
Bone is not shatterproof
Yet somehow
Still heals much quicker than heart
My hopes
Are so much brighter than my reality
And every time they fail
I still find ways to put blame on something else
On someone else
But never the one who drops me
I still remember your promise
Still fresh from your tongue
I am holding on to it in the palm of my hand
Grasping it between fingers
Morphing it into skin
Trying to convince myself
That you're going to come back for it
That the leave was only temporary
See
I am skilled in the art
Of never letting go
It is a practice
I have mastered
And I do not intend
On stopping
Even if you never return
Even if I
Never come back down to earth
I am perfectly content with this delusion
Wake me up
When there is solace
In something other than falsity
Wake me up
When I finally find someone
Willing
To come back to me.