Tonight was
The first crescent moon in a while
And the last time your lips
Will touch mine
See I have never been one
To believe in religion
Or anything for that matter
But loving you almost makes me have to
Because how else could something feel so **** right

Tonight I learned
That attraction can not be reversed
That although
Six months have gone by
Since our skin last met
We still have magnets in our bones
Opposite particles that reach for eachother with open arms
I can not explain it
Physics is just complicated like that
I am just complicated like that
I did not mean for this to happen tonight
Retracing the maps of your body
Was not in my plans
Was not my intention
I simply wanted
Closure
But what I got tonight
Was so much more
Than that

Before tonight
I had spent months placing my rage over hot water
Letting it boil inside of me
I had spent months
Learning to hate
Knowing that the only alternative
Was to love
I had spent months
Writing solely envy and nostalgia
Hoping that a pen and some words
Were enough for you to want to let me back in

I have learned
How to ball point my feelings into letters
But not how to embrace them

See I wanted to hate you
Wanted to scoff
Roll eyes
At the thought of you

Awaiting the day
When your prescence
Would be synonymous with inexistence

But it never happened
I've learned that feelings
Can not be erased
Only covered
Shoved into corners of your mind
And attempted to be replaced
But you simply cannot
Just change something into nothing
And to me you will never be nothing

You are a flame I set inside myself
Long ago
That will never cease
Will never burn out
The fire tonight
Was only a reminder
That some things
Will never die

So I'll leave
For the other side of the country
5,000 miles away
With less weight on my usually heavy heart
Knowing that I left part of it
With you

You can have it
It is yours to keep
It always has been
And it always will be
You always will be
My first
Love.

Mother
I see the sadness in your eyes
The uncertainty
The fear of solitude
I saw it the first time I told you I was leaving
Spat out in awkward silence during one of our quiet dinners
I told you that I was leaving
Going across the country
Moving 5,000 miles away
To where the air is always warm
And sun is in abundance
Leaving
To experience real life
For the first time
Mother
You took my haste decision to go
As nothing more than a reason for abandoment
To leave you
Alone
And longing
Just like my father did
But you see
Mother
I am not leaving to spite you
I am not leaving because I no longer need you
I am not leaving in attempt to forget every memory built in the drywall of this home
Mother
I am not leaving
To solely leave you
I am leaving
Because the roots I've planted refuse to grow here
I can not bloom into anything more than weeds and grass in an environment like this
In constantly cold weather
With bitter neighbors
In a town surrounded by people whos only intention
Seems to see you fail
I have failed too many times
To want to give up
I have lost myself on too many occasions
And am just finding out
Who I am
I know that
There is a longing in my heart for ocean
And sand between my toes
I want nothing more
Than to risk everything I have ever known
To be able to see through a different lense
I would rather lose it all
Than condemn myself to a life of unhappiness
Of wondering what could have been
Mother
I have never been one for small towns
And I have lived here long enough to know
That I don't want to come back
Mother
I know that
You're afraid
To be on your own
The typical story is usually about letting your little girl go
But there is no need to
Mother
I want you to hold on
And one day when you've pinned down the demons you've wrestled with for so long
The crippling anxiety that has left you confined to this house
The depression that has kept you prisoner to yourself
One day mother
When you finally overpower fear
And befriend adventure
You will join me
We will replant ourselves
Grow all of the petals we never before could
And become something beautiful
Mother
You have made me who I am
And regardless of where I go
You will always
Follow
Mother
I am leaving
So that one day you can
Too.

I have been
Piling my boxes of missed opportunity
Cursing at time for his ability to fly so quickly
Two weeks to go
And somehow I am
Still holding hope
That it's long enough for change to move in
To the house that I am leaving
Long enough
For the flowers I've planted inside myself to bloom
I have a garden built upon all of the chances
That I let pass me by
I have wasted too many good moments
With too many bad people
Spent far too many hours
Loving those who were poison
Feeding off of their arsenic touch
I was too naive
To notice that you were sacharrin
In a pool of sour lovers
I was too naive to want to change my perspective
To see you as anything more
Than arms to run to when my own were broken
You always somehow managed
To help me stand up when my bones turned to jello
And just when I get around
To realizing how much I need that embrace of yours
To be held against you as more than just what I have always been
To be looked at beyond the level of friend
Someone else has taken shelter in your home
I waited far too long to sign the lease to your heart
Now I am counting down the days
To when I will be 5,000 miles away in distance
And I wont be able to tell you
How much you mean to me
How much knowing you these past years
Has meant to me
I told you
That I love you
But I don't think you understand
That the kind of love I have for you
Does not crave to be platonic
The kind of love I have for you
Has recently gone from smoke to forest fire
From drizzle to lightning storm
I am aware that
The kind of love I have for you
Is not a kind that will be returned
But before I leave
I felt it necessary
To take some of this weight
Off of my already heavy heart
So that I am not haunted
By things left
Unsaid
And I said it once but I feel the need to say it again
I love you
I really
really
Love you
And also thank you
For
Saving me.

I am not a mismatched puzzle waiting to be put back together
There is no point in trying when most of my pieces aren't even there
I am not just some toy
Some mild entertainment that you get to throw aside once you get bored
I am not some science fair project
Some hypothesis in which you decide you want to solve
I can not be solved
I am an equation
A cocktail of antidepressants mixed with the excess of words I have bundled in my head
It is people like you
Who have prompted me to
Put up caution tape inside my heart
And around my body
My body is something I am still learning to love
When you tell me it is good as is
That I am your definition of perfect
That does not make it all better
Does not make me love it any more
Just because you think you can see something I do not
Doesn't mean I want to as well
I do not need to be told that i am beautiful to be okay
I do not want to be told that my scars are beautiful
When they are anything but
My skin has been a battleground too many times to be anything but leftover warfare
Dust and dirt
I do not want to be kissed with love
When these wounds have only shown hatred
It is not romance
It is disaster
I am not blessing
I am unholy mess
I am not a question waiting for your answer
Mental illness is something I never asked for
But I was given it anyway
I do not want you to want to know what its like
To wake up every morning to grey skies
When it is anything but cloudy outside
I do not want you to take any of my baggage
I have had enough practice lifting it with my own two hands
I didnt ask for your help
You can not heal me with touch and words
With roses and sappy ******* love notes
I do not need to be healed
I do not need to be cured
I am not sickness
I am complicated
And this complicated creature
Wants to tell you
That she does not need you
That this crazy *****
Has done just fine
On her own.

I can still smell
Your smoke stained skin
She asks me why
I have a pack of cigarettes underneath my bed
A small box of short marlborro reds
I am not a smoker
Instead
I like the scent of them
She says
It's strange that I do
But I do
I will sometimes open a pack
And Inhale
Breath in
Just to remind me of you
And my 15 year old self
Who I was back then
Back when I believed that love was supposed to hurt
Sometimes
I get the urge to light one up just to put it out on my skin
In order to remind me what it felt like to love you
I do not smoke
Yet sometimes the memory of you
Makes me want to until I suffocate
Makes me want to form an addiction
Start a relationship with nicotine
Just to remind me
How it felt
To be addicted to you
People say cigarettes are dangerous
But you are poison in the raw form
I used to hold my breath around smokers
But now
I take it in
Keeping my lungs wide open
And my heart
Sealed
Shut.

You remind me of rain
In the way that I want you all over me
Rolling over the arch of my back
Arms falling over my hips like drops
I want your skin to leave me soaking
You remind me of rain
You are the sound that could send me to sleep
Soothe me in moments of unease
Sound singing me into serenity
You remind me of rain
In the way that you can
Light up the darkness in seconds
I have never been afraid of lightning
Instead
Found shelter in storm
You could be my protection
Every night keeping me safe
You remind me of rain
In the way that I never
Want you
To stop.

This is not the end
I know that you probably already know that
But I feel the need to remind you
I know it *****
A lot
Hurts like one million knives digging into your skin all at once
Like the animals caged within your bones attempting to break free
Like stepping on metal nails with bare feet
Heartbreak ******* hurts
I am sorry that is does
I would tell you that it goes away but I would be lying
Your first broken heart
Will always be your first broken heart
But I can promise
Is does get better
I can promise
That your first is not your last
At one time it may have seemed like it should've been
Like it somehow just slipped through your grasp
I promise you
Your first
Is not your last
And it wasn't supposed to be
Believe me
There are so many other hearts you will encompass
So many bodies you have yet to learn
So many hands that have yet to touch you
The first might have felt like magic
I can promise you they are not
I can promise that
Moving on is the hardest part
You will feel gaps in the deepest parts of your soul
Know that you do not need someone new in order to fill them
Instead
You will heal from within
When you see him with someone else
Do not burn
Extinguish the fire with smiles and genuine happiness
For someone wise once said that happiness is the best revenge
And it is
That and
Looking hot as hell
Right now you may be going through hell
But it's just a path to the future
And the future holds so much more
I can promise you this
Look at it with wide eyes and open arms
Do not dwell on the one who broke your heart
I can promise that in the years to come
Many will fix it
And that the cracks maintained from those who dropped it
In the end
Will only make you
Stronger.