Danielle Hoskins

Danielle Hoskins Jun 2015

I Am

I was once told that being silent is really screaming loud.
I bit my tongue for 17 years and I can't do that **** no more.
I'm not a walking punch bag.
I'm not your do whatever you say so you can have an easier life.
I am delicate.
I am pain.
I am the sky before a hurricane.
I am the hope that one day the sun will come out and end all of this rain.
I was once told you can't be too sad or too happy cause then you are ungrateful or just plain crazy.
So I picked up a pen when I was in the 5th grade wrote my sorrows on paper and at first they were songs then I wrote letters but eventually they were poems...
Do you know how it feels to write sonnets about your mother never noticing you?
your father never calling you?
your siblings never seeing you?
Every poem I planned to die every summer.
And that's what you all call a poet?
I rhyme my pain on paper.
I take my insides and pour them out into spoken word.
I cut my chest open and reveal my hurt to everyone who is watching.
I am the poem.

Danielle Hoskins Feb 2015

Dark nights

Dark nights no light...how can I keep my head up when that's everything I'm scared of?
No paper no pen is that why it took me a year and a half to write again?
Or was it because I lost myself even more trying to find whoever I am. They swear I'm so happy but I guess they don't really know the kid. Famously known around her city or around her city is famously known? She can't come to terms with anything so she bottles her emotions inside and when she explodes please don't be around to catch the ******* show.
Remember 2 years ago she wrote a poem about 3 of her friends getting life?
And now 2 of them don't have one no more.
They're dead.
She can't admit that she's scared. scared that her brothers will fall victim to the world because I guess black guys who makes mistakes don't deserve to live here no more.
And she prays that's not true. cause if she loses them then someone is losing something too.
And that's her dark side..
She hides it well in the dark nights with no light that's everything she's scared of.

here you go

Danielle Hoskins Jul 2014

#BadKid

"Man **** it y'all fake" I say this loudly and post it on snap chat, twitter and Instagram...
I don't see my boyfriend outside of school, I've never drunk anything stronger than pop and sadly the funniest thing I do on weekends is catch reruns of Cops.
I'm a bad kid though.
This school year I watched my mother struggle trying to get me clothes for school while watching everyone around me wear 200 dollar pairs of jeans how I wished that was me.
I didn't even have a pair of shoes I was wearing sandals until November.
I never complained because my mother had bills to pay and that's way more important than any material thing.
I'm a bad kid though. I have feelings. I'm not invisible.
I cuss when I'm mad.
I cry when I'm sad.
I can understand your dilemma.
"She thinks she's grown" well I still have my virginity does that make you think any different?
"She thinks she knows it all" but I only ask questions.
My smart mouth is only a shield to cover my real pain deep inside.
A bad kid or just a hurt human being. They talk about me behind my back like I'm nothing, like I never had a mother, like I'm less than them because they're older.
Like I don't have to watch my sister and brothers suffer....and that kills me the most.
do you not remember that I had to bury my mom when I was 8.
I didn't meet my father til I was 14.
and I've watched people come into my life and just up and leave.
No one will every understand anything about me.
So I promised myself I'd stay quiet, nobody cares that tonight was my 7th suicide attempt and that the thank you list had "family" on top in big print.
I don't want to be your charity case cause I don't even feel bad for me but please don't judge something you have never understood....

Danielle Hoskins Jul 2014

Texts I couldn't send my ex

You make me feel loved on days I don't feel like I actually love myself
2. I never wanna stop talking to you. You are the only heaven I've seen
3. Do you love me even as half as much as I love you?
4. Why the **** is "she's just a friend" always the excuse?
5. You hurt me but if you ever decided to come back I would never hesitate your return
6. It's been 1 year and I still can't forget those summer nights when it seemed like nothing else mattered
7. You are perfect and I'm sorry I'm not.
8. Hi
9. I hate you almost just as much as I love you is that even possible?
10. Goodbye

Danielle Hoskins Apr 2014

10 things I wanted to be when I grew up

10 things I wanted to be when I grew up...
1. An Artist
2. A VERY FAIRY PRINCESS
3. The 90's all over again. Just so I could remember why I was ever born in the first place.
4. Beyonce's Prodigy
5. Someone's favorite movie. What pleasure it would be to feel loved. I've never ever felt like someone needed me to be happy.
6. Professional taco taste-tester
7. Happy.
Like a woman's first glance at her new born baby.
Like the ride home after dinner with a friend you haven't seen in a while.
Like the notebook of a 5th grader who doesn't fit in but can write mean metaphors.
Like a good cup of ramen noodles.
Like a handshake from a God, like a past that's fine with being in the past.
8. My mother
9. The devil to my birth parents ****** up example of "love"
10. Forgiven.

Finally released

Danielle Hoskins Apr 2014

I'm afraid

Being strong and scared were never opposite.

I'm afraid I won't get into a college.
I'm afraid my mom will not live long enough to see me happy.
I'm afraid nobody will read my poetry.
I'm scared my ex will never forgive me enough to give me another chance.
I'm scared I will never be good enough.
I'm scared that the person I love, will love someone else.
Sometimes I feel like a disappointment..
I'm afraid people hate the real me
I'm afraid I hate the real me.
I'm scared one day they will find out what I ******* to.
I'm afraid I have no purpose.
I feel like this is well overdue
I'm afraid one day I will grow out of writing poems.
I'm afraid people think I hate everyone who is not black.
I'm afraid people think I hate men.
I hate how people can just say anything.
I hate caring what others think.
I'm afraid there will be someone better for me or you.

Danielle Hoskins Mar 2014

The Storm

I was never the sports star, smartest kid in class or even the coolest. More like low self esteem dork girl who had more guy friends than girls never felt like I fit in but always never cared. I lied.... They bullied me verbally, I was no longer invisible I was the punch line to everybody's joke on bus 12 after a long day of school. I kept my head down because the **** hurts more than they could physically ever know. The walk home consisted of promising myself I wouldn't cry and debating on if I hated them or myself more. Dear arms I am sorry I've been taking all of my frustration out on you, it's just that since I'm not a size 6 everyone hates me so I have to hate you. How was school? Cool. Bad day? Bad life. Don't pretend like you care because I've spent too many nights alone in my room crying and screaming while my "mother" was in the next room. Dear heart I'm sorry I always let you down, I'm sorry I make you go through so much. I'm sorry you have to feel everything I feel. It's my fault they hate me not yours. They finally broke us I'm sorry.
Dear Danielle, you're me and I am you. Im sorry I gained so much weight last year, I'm sorry I couldn't lose it all. I'm sorry they hate us. I'm sorry mom can't get the braces we need. I'm sorry nothing ever works out for us. I'm sorry Jayte left. I'm sorry this is all real. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I couldn't save Lala. I'm sorry no one loves us. I'm sorry god doesn't listen. I'm sorry no one knows we are sad. I'm sorry I'm so sorry. It's all kind of blurry right now. There's so much blood I really can't see anymore. They say it'll get better, I wanna say it'll get better but it never does we just learn how to maintain. How to forget. And how to move on.....