nobody could see me
trying to **** myself.
but i could.
every night i saw it.
i saw the various ways to
slit my throat, my wrist,
to tie a knot, maybe with a bow?
and kick my moms nice chair away?
maybe by drowning,
or jumping from a tall building?
so many ways... so many.
i still see those ways.
i still want to cut.
actually, ive craved the blade
for a few weeks now.
and yet, i havent made a single mark
up and down my arm.

whats stopping me?
i'll be honest: when i go back to school
i want to be able to show my teacher that
it'll be a whole month since ive cut.
thats a long time (for me) and i
really want to keep going.

i can save myself.
i know i can...
right?

i kept thinking of
maybe telling him how i
felt about him.
it sounds stupid but
i feel like not only would he
be sweet about it but
that he'd open up his arms and
say that he wants us to be close.
no, i do not mean he'll leave his
fiancé for me, but as in
friendship close.

when even after i graduate
nothing with matter.
we'll be friends and still talk,
go out for a coffee and have a chat.
we'll have a great friendship.
thats all i want.
i just... i want him.
to want to be around him,
and know him and see him
for who he truly is.

i want him to be honest and loving
and funny and kind and my friend.
i want him to be weird with me and to
smile even when i look so, so terrible and for him
to still teach me things even though im not
his student anymore.

i want him.
but, it looks like I'm not even
describing a friendship anymore.