Anxiety building from within causing me to lose control over common sense.
I have lost what sense I have left.
I'm simply afraid, afraid of death
Afraid not to be alive yet I die inside.
I can see that any clear sight I may have had has slipped away.
I'm lost now truly lost.
Will I hurt myself to stop this pain?
I'm certain that I will. I ask the questions I already know.
Why?
Is it my hope? It is unclear to me but what i do know is not what I need an answer for.
It is what I do not understand that tears me apart.


This is not finished.

Here I lay restless, tired, my mind unable to distinguish between what I want and what I need.
I've been here longer than most, so has she the woman of my dreams.
I dreamt of her when I was a boy becoming a teen, and here I lie frothing and writhing in pain as if icy claws draw me near to deaths door.
Oh how I've prayed to be near her to hold her, those of you who've been parted from your spouse near a decade can only compare, as we've been parted our 8 years.
Cherished lived ones withered and passed, newfound friends only bring suspicion to my eyes, what bond are they trying to Connect me to, I won't have it.
Stay far from me as my curse is real, I bring death with me as I walk, those I love I bring pain.
To those who hate me I cannot change, I lie here awake writhing in pain.
Fading beauty lost long ago but I see deep into your cold sunken eyes, how lonely you are, how lost you feel.
I search around me looking to find that youthful combustion of energy I once felt, I find it in a drug. God how much more lost I become I work endlessly never a day off, 365 days for 7 years with nothing to show for.
I love everyone, I keep nothing.
Yet I lie here alone, writhing in pain.
Tears shed do nothing as I hide them in my shame, a simple touch. Just a touch, I haven't felt a touch a hug a handshake, in 8 years, I live in solitude, I work in solitude. half a decade before today, I accidentally bumped my hand near a female hand and every hair on my body stood awaken, how silly such a small touch rendered me speechless, to her an everyday experience.
I still lie here awake, writhing in pain.
Alone I've been, alone I'll be, I know this, but I never dreamt it would be this long, as I lie here with those icy claws beckoning me, writhing in pain I scream silently in my mind, my heart, screaming begging for mercy, as I lie here writhing in... Pain...

8 years gone,
Alone I wonder how many more will come to pass.
In celibacy I remain in my love for you,
I've felt many cold stares,
In many faces.
I wonder my loving wife,
Will these years that age us
Bring tears of rage,
Our story continues from our first moment,
Our only moment when we wed.
In haste we parted I've worked provided,
Alone apart we remain
Separated by an ocean I once believed beautiful.
Now I stare over the waters and tears are all I can manage.
I hear strangers harken, you'll be together soon.
How strange our story is to them,
Those who know cry with us, those who don't have words of wisdom for us.
Our struggle continues from the moment I left, may 21 2007.
To this day we pray, struggle, to be together.
I pray our struggle ends in each others arms,
And how sad I feel I've made you wait this long.
I've heard the saying money is the root of all evil,
I cry and laugh, if only they knew money would bring me home.
Those stories we hear, the "oh how I missed you"
When they part for a week, a month, a year. Darling wife,
No one will know the pain 8 years brings.
I thank you, for the love we shared from such a distance, for the love we share in our family, our salvation may be closer, but we know not to count on it. And just be positive it's all we can do, aside from pray.

I'm all but destroyed, still that is to be decided
I think back to my youth, to feel that happiness once more.
I set here not realizing the tears that build knowing,
I'll never find that naive happiness again.
That smile that warmth, shredded away for the misery I live now.
I cared so much for others I forgot me.
I forgot college degrees I graduated high school I own my own business.
But to what extent, im losing my grip..
I love a woman 9000 miles away a family I've always wanted.
But what can I do but work. I give and I give, so that maybe one day they
Will find a smile a moment of laughter I smile too.
But as always I cry later knowing I've given my life up for
Something that is so far away, I pray every moment of every day.
Is this my day God? Is this when you will take me...
Please guide me keep me safe... If I am to leave this world keep them safe..
Please help me.. Keep them safe... I've been consumed with helping others I forgot about me.. Am I selfish.. To ask one more touch a simple kiss?
Is that wrong for me to ask.. I understand, it is.. It is my job to feedd them, keep them safe....

If I beg in this moment for a simple touch.. Will I simply be disregarded?
I miss those happy moments as a child when all was right before I learned the hard way life is lost..

Love to all and may all your hopes and dreams find you. May your happiness never end so that the pain I hold never goes your way.

Litigation of repressed distraught,
Ambiguous embellishments of euphoria,
Cast asunder infatuation in hopes her eyes capture,
Perchance hell revoke my admission and allow an old soul
A craved desire coveted keenly upon the heaving *****.
Lest I cling tight with passion adieu,
And ****** not skin but a heeded heart,
summation of abysmal damnation.
Capture my love hold dearly my heart in your claimed hand...

Can you see it now?
Tell yourself the sky is blue, the grass is green,
Close your eyes say it again,
The sky is blue, grass is green,
Open your eyes, is life still gray?
Did the colors leave my life when your hand left mine,
I can't remember, where is your smile where is the warmth of your love?
I still remember, those fatal words that I couldn't fathom,
I collapsed, I still sleep reaching for you, I feel you still
But the vision of your face so lifeless I realized I died with you.
What good is my contribution now? without a family,
I don't know what's waiting for us, where we will go but baby I'll be there soon. I'll be coming home to that abyssal slumber