Oh how life changes. We take in the scene and tell ourselves this moment matters most. But another comes just moments down the road and as we take it in and we let it in almost simultaneously. As if we know to hold onto this fleeting feeling for all it’s worth and to then make room for its coming brother. One we embrace. Repeatedly. And without hesitation. Hoping for that same momentary high that came with the last inhale. Oh lord what a high. But we realize after one too many moments that our high probably wont be ever high as that one that dictates our intensions. The one that points out subconscious and predicts our every move. And at that very second, it’s as if the hands have been taken away from our eyes. Though we have never been blind to it, we recognize our lack of understanding of our very own human intension. Disillusioned to the highs of our society, family, and world we simply mover more towards our goals now, rather then our childhood highs. Taking a second look at that candy bar, episode on cartoon network, and fresh snowfall. Replaced forever with books, relationships, and a pocket full of security. Establishing ourselves, at least that is what we tell the little man in the back of our mind. Not realizing we have sold our soul to our worlds expectations. And in fact have lost ourselves more then we have intended to. Where have those days gone? That moment when the sunshine on our face felt better then the crisp 20 in our pocket. When pursuing the beautiful girl you saw only once was the only thing that mattered at that very moment. The second the cold rain felt more like rebellion then the onset of the flu. God I miss you moments, childish moments, ignorant moments. At least I lived once. At least I can say I lived once. And at least I can look back on my failures, successes, and missed attempts with only minor self-loathing.  Holding back my tears because that’s what we have been conditioned to believe as normal. Even if we realize that’s what makes us want to cry even more. Hoping for that moment when the tears dried and emotions felt free to the world to see. Where you felt heard, understood, and simply there. In the vision of someone other then yourself. Other then the smoldering presence of your own detrimental perceptions. But we grow up, told to, expected to. So that we can get ahead, not fall behind, keep ourselves striving for a sense of perfection. Though we contradict ourselves with our mantra. “I’m human,” “Everyone makes mistakes,” “No ones perfect.” Oh just shut up already. As if the perfect Greek bodies weren’t enough to make those with delicate self-esteem wish for a dotted line to cut across. Hoping the pain can draw out those forbidden emotions, those shunned feelings, those ostracized outburst. WELL ******* WORLD AND **** WHAT IS EXPECTED OF ME. Because this moment right here, this high right here, this moment of purity will forever symbolize freedom. Suicidal ecstasy from a reality that I never wished to be a part of. A world and way of living that gives nothing and expects more then ones soul is capable of giving. NO, I will have my moments. I will have my sunshine and rain.  I will have my candy and first days of winter. I will have blissful, childhood ambitions and breath in that moments that gives me a high only life can offer. And when I release it, it will not be with the expectation that another will follow suit. But rather with the intention to free.

Oh sweet perfection, you will always be just out of reach. From my grasp, from my sight, and from my mind. And though this thought begins to settle in my mind, the simple knowing keeps me forever at the mercy of my dwindling hope. So maybe one more night of stringless commitments or drunken stupors may help to mask the relentless pain that stabs at my oversized heart. One that has been shapped by your ever lack of presence in my life. Molded by the hope that my once ignorant mind could actually hold you in hand and in spirit. But like my hope, my ignorance has vanished from my childish mind and i now see not only the error in my ways but the politics that i will forever battle in the hopes to find the next best thing to perfection.

Oh love struck heart, how I’ve missed you. Your quickened pace and weightless feel. As my eyes meet her gaze your once firm stance is forced to kneel. You cause my hands to shake when her voice finds my ear. And the smile on her, releases all of my fears. But my once lonely friend, you have invested too much. This love cannot come true, though you yearn for her touch. Her caress and her kiss, you will never call yours. Not now and not again, regardless of moments behind closed doors. I know you hurt and this pain cuts deep. Knowing you cannot love her and take that faithful leap. But love like this comes and then it will go, one moment you’re high and next moment you’re low. And then one day your feelings will flee, from the once cavernous chest found deep within me. Filler with these emotions that now distort my sight, force my hand to write, and makes my chest feel tight. Making me clench my shirt to hold in the butterflies, and force a friendly smile filled with those harmless lies. Towards a person whose beauty knows no bounds, whose gentle personality makes my heart relentlessly pound. And someday I promise your pain will be no more. And your heart will again heal where it has now been tore. We will stich you up again and move on as we always do, and convince ourselves once again to search for a love so true.

And sometimes I just wish…knowing full well that the stars above hold nothing in store for my empty plea. But still I wish…not because I am ignorant to the inner workings of man or the forces that control the cosmos, but because my soul demands it. It demands that I look beyond the forces of logic and reason to acknowledge the wonder that is our world, universe, existence. That is the heartbeat, the flower blooming, the sunrise. That is our skyscrapers, our mountain ranges, our river streams. That is love, compassion, happiness. Rationalize this world however you like but when we becomes desensitized to the awe of everything that is around us, then we have lost our connection with each other, ourselves, life. We have lost our connection with love, that sunrise, and our own heartbeat. When we cannot even recognize the amazing power that is simply a wish…then my friends how are we able to harness the power that is within our very souls. And so I wish. I wish upon candles and that shooting star. I wish when the clock turns 11:11 and I wish when I throw that penny in a well. I do this to remind myself that I am connected not simple to others by blood, skin, and bone…but by an idea. One that resonates with both young and old. One that reminds us that we are not alone and that we stand with billions of other feet planted firmly to the same dirt. A wish…hope with wings. And may it travel beyond that which holds us down to the ear of our destiny.

No one ever tells you how to avoid that painful fall, or how to pick yourself up once you’ve hit that daunting wall. No one ever tells you that regret stings like hell, and no one ever tells you to beware of where you fell.  No one ever tells you that sleep is hard to find, when regret is the only thing running through your ever-sleepless mind. No one ever tells you that your mistake will haunt you for good, or that you’ll see her face in places where both of you once stood. No one ever tells you how to make everything right, and no one ever tells you when it’s the right time to fight. No one ever tells you when sorry isn’t enough, and no one ever tells you that saying more is tough. No one can ever tell you when you’ll finally make peace, and no one ever tells you the right time to use some elbow grease. These lessons go unsaid not for simple neglect, but because of the uncertainty in life and when they take effect. They are lessons learn not through book nor are they taught at any school, but rather learned through scrapped knees and those times you’ll play the fool. And though you may kick yourself repeatedly and wish to start anew, the cliché you’re only human will simply have to make do. Because solace isn’t found in holding to your past, it’s found in in knowing your limitations and proving they wont last.

I have given up on you, for better or for worse. As I reluctantly recognizes this new reality, in another selfish verse. I’ve been screaming my tired lungs out for you, in this poetic sort of way. And now my voice is not the only thing, that has a debt I now must pay. You were the only thing my soul cried out for, as I navigated this life. But I found poison to fill my empty soul instead, as I traded you for a knife. I did not hesitate at the task in hand, for I believed my compass pointed straight. Unaware that the everlasting cuts id make, were guided by the hands of fate. And now their icy grip holds me down, to a road I wish not go. Down a lonely path I refuse to travel, though I started down it long ago. Confused and immature I was, to the workings of the mind. To the social cues of this two-step mentality, that has me emotionally and physically blind. But past describes that hopeless place, where no return would patiently wait. And welcome me with open arms, to a place I can’t mistake. A place that holds familiar shadows, and my reoccurring nightmares. It has been my home for quit some time, though I’ve been consciously unaware. Walking with these shoes I wear, that are stained with countless wrong turns. Unaware of all the bridges I’ve build, and then simultaneously burned. Just to lead me down this rabbit hole, with no escape in sight. Holding onto this naive notion, of you as my guiding light. But that was before the endless darkness, and before the poison set in. And now no return has me forever, forever abducted by my sins.  I’m staring hopelessly at my compass, as its needle spins madly about. And I hope the image of you etched in its back, never begins to wears out. For my shoes remind me of my faults, and my cuts reflect my sins. But your picture is the happiness I had, for a compass that did not spin. You were what pulled my soul forward, and kept my compass straight. And now no return points my way, towards a character I will desecrate. One that was build up so high, and held in such regard. Only to be thrown hopelessly aside; forgotten, burned and scared. So reluctantly I drag my feet, into this world I helped to make. Praying someday I see you again, and from the darkness I’d awake.

I am looking for a purpose behind all the things I do, maybe not a definite answer but possible a clue. To the direction I am heading and where fate may lay me rest. Is this constant confusion punishment or some kind of playful test. Am I merely a worn out puppet trying desperately to put on a show, for the entire world to see as my movements’ ebb and flow. With the intentions of my creator who smiles down at me, or chuckles at the torment that no one cares to see. Or is choice the only master that my world has yet to know, between divine books and holy scriptures it seems to be a no-show. Silently sitting in wait as the world screams madly on, crying softly to itself at human intelligence forgone. For as we take up arms in the name of what we think is right, we wildly swing our blades as we’re blinded by the light. And we forget the choices that sit there right before our eyes, and then we claim selfless ignorance as our actions cause us surprise. Blaming it on divinity as we fall helplessly to our knees, a deaf ear is where you’ll find all our hollow, empty pleas. So as the blade is forged in fire so too is justice born, and we must answer for our actions and the allegiances we have sworn. And know thy wrath is what they scream in the name of what they think, and the answer to my questions are then found in a momentary blink. As once blinded eyes go dark to the uncertain world around, true understanding of our purpose may finally be found.