hello shadow
oh shapeless guise
candle light
can make you dance
but when the tallow melts
and wick burns out
you drape over all
you rule
this
house

the staircase wails
at the weight
when I ascend
my feet boulders
blocking any pearly gate
the sheets rend
as I toss and turn
cigarette burns on my forearm
someone snipped the yarn
that kept me connected
I'm not sure I plan
to fix it

a dull buzz grew
while my throat contracted
***** held back by a grip
then the spins
then a black out
come to in the kitchen
dishes in hands
water on
the whole world roaring
stumble up the stairs
close my door
fall to the floor
while the panic sets in
holy **** this is it
this is my end
breath sharp but distant
crawl to the bed for some comfort
before suffocating
then the terror eases up
lungs quiet and absorb enough
holy ****
the worst has dissipated
and left me frustrated
with my now aching chest
legs tightened
my entire body yelling
Frightened!
only my pillows
to whisper
it's okay, you're okay,
I've got you,
breathe with me,
slowly,
breathe
with
me
.
.
.

I can define
pain
sorrow
regret
they rest in the furrows
of my brow
the ache in my shoulder
no hesitation to place
death I'm my mouth
but ask me to uncover
joy
ecstasy
hope
my words fall short
they flit from my stomach
to my lungs
and right past my teeth
before I can breathe them
back to my body
hurt is a household name
while happiness merely
haunts me

I don't like to mention them much
give reminiscenice to the sight
of the sharpness and leaky cuts
that decorated my thigh
a place where no eyes
could uncover the marks
no lover to question the fresh lines
while exploring in the dark
but tonight while changing
underwear
bare
I could see the fossils
the raised white skin
tear ducts perspired
realizing I'm just as tired as when
I began to make them,
those little rips in my
happiness

Let the rending of your being
fuel the fires born to melt yourself
in a mold
be the creator and the created
you are your own god,
take pride in yourself
as a soul

sober up
dust off
the dirt won't bury you
yet

The muscles in the corner
of my left eye have started to
twitch
incessantly
destroying my concentration
robbing me of the sleep
I already don't get
every time I almost drift off
pop, pop, pop
go the muscles
This little annoyance
is the greatest struggle

A disturbing lack of interest
has risen to the surface
struggling for purpose while
school work seems worthless
unimpressed by the standards set
or perhaps just pensive
wondering where the road leads next
the feeling that textbooks
only hold answers for paper tests
not physical, substantial assessment
That ****** diploma a chain
keeping my brain and body locked
to this spot, this location
when my very essence yerns for motion
for some cosmic lotion to apply
to this burned romantic
helpless, maybe, but awakened
none the less
even if I can't be bothered to
laze over homework
two weeks and it'll be no work
to fall from the sky
back into my old house
and maybe
her
eyes

I think plants live in slow mo
when we walk by
it's just a shimmer
like the last tendrils of a ghost
lazily dissipating in the night

I'm a wreck
I'm ******
I stare in the mirror wishing it was
a truck
I want the headlights
in my blue eyes
I want to sleep with her
in my arms tonight
******* it this *****
I'm friendless here
I'm drunk here
I'm faded and jaded
misplaced and disgraced
I want a fresh start
I want a new brain
With less thoughts and feelings
less staring at the ceiling
Lately all I can imagine is Eddie
and Ryan and Alyssa
she hung herself
Ryan ODed
Eddie in a car crash
Grandpa Jerry in surgery
Grandma Cherry in her sleep
Grandpa Con soon after Eddie's retreat
Come on Death, give me a break
or give me a grave
or give me another beer
so I can disappear

Hey Eddie,
       where are you tonight? I'm outside and my body aches. My feet are frozen too. Do you hate my cigarettes? I'm sorry I'm weak sometimes but I think you understand. I still haven't felt you, maybe once on the hill, but I live in Long Beach now. Not close to the hill or your home or our streets. Crazy huh? It's a long way from where I thought we'd end up. Do you remember how much you liked sushi? I had some today. It tasted like the river and the rope swing. I wonder if you would recognize me. I'm a mess Ed, a mess. I'm posting this on some website in hopes that it finds its way to you. I'll write it down too, then burn it over a mountain so the ashes might meet with yours. I don't know. I'm tired, so tired. Hey Eddie, where are you tonight?

I wrote a piece for class and had it critiqued, all about how
I can't remember Eddie's voice
and can't ask his parents for videos
to keep from digging up their pain.
Today I found a flash drive, one I can't place in mind. Popped it in, and tears leaked to my chin because there sat
video file after video file of Jake, Dennis, Eddie, and me on birthdays and outings, at the archery range. It's strange that the voices are young but I can hear him, I can hear him, I can remember

My circadian rhythm's all ****** up
I can't seem to care about it all that
much
wake up late it's okay
I'll smoke my cigarette
and start my day

Go to class I guess I will
for an hour or so till I get
my fill
then I'll say,
"**** the rest
I'm tired of this test!"
I'll take the bus home
to my loneliness
where I'll wait
I'll wait
I'll wait

when melodies I hashed up
in the past pass by my lips
sudden images surface
hips, finger tips
who I was, who I've become
since you made me your biggest
someone
then used your mouth like a gun
breath as bullets
for your Colt .45 breakup
I think my fingers were
on the trigger
I was the one who pulled it
so I lay down my guitar
with a sigh beggining deep inside
then rub my eyes
shove aside thoughts that make me die
hydrate my hate for change
by hitting play on songs
you listened to
it's true, though I'm blue
and still haven't a clue
wether I ever really
loved
you

It's eight p.m.
My hand holds connection
to friends
car keys turn in the ignition
forty minutes
a few cigarettes
park in the dark
LA greets me
An hour later I'm tipsy
two days later I'm hungover
my left *** cheek bruised
no closer to nirvana
I just wanna forget Long Beach
here my reach outs get response
my lonely haunts turn into
songs
here I have company
that doesn't mind a stiff drink
a wild night
I think it's safe to say
I've gotten a new form
of
running
away

I feel like I repeat myself
over and over when I write
each poem becomes about
staying up at night
wondering about my lack
of friends and my
heading toward a dead end
but I really can't understand
why I've lived here for three months
and have met no one
besides my two roommates
No one relates or sees that
I'm good company
and it's not like I don't try
I do, I sit next to people and
try and get to know them
I smile, I joke
I be me
but I'm so, so
lonely
it's suffocating
it's heart breaking
it's devastating
when I can't pick up my phone
and call someone to just
kick it
I used to think that
I had to learn to like being alone
I did
now alone time is all I get
what the ****
what the ****
what the ****
what the ****
what
the
****

My room tells about
all the people that haven't been in it
no one has watched a movie
or laid on the carpet
too drunk to stand, but
**** it was a good party
no

The clothes on the floor
whisper loneliness
as if it's the only word they know
how could they have learned
more than that?
they've only seen one soul
just me
pulling at the sheets
afraid at night
dreading that the dark air
might get too

close

I'll ask you three times if you want something and if you still say no the third time I won't ask again. If you resent me for that, then say what you want before it's too late

2. Staying to help clean after a party means about as much as being at the party, sometimes more

3. Treat animals well, if someone is cruel to animals it's a good bet they will be cruel to people

4. You can do things by yourself. Go out to eat, go to the park, take a drive. It's okay to decline company, if they are good company they will understand (but be careful to not shut them out)

5. Don't ever put anyone down for singing along to a song, even if their voice is terrible it is beautiful to hear them being free

6. If you are with people and want something, offer it to them as well

7. Make your room smell the way you want. Candle, incense, some sort of spray. People remember more from a scent than from a picture

8. Take care of your body, when it's happy your brain is happier. Exercise of any form helps improve your mood

9. Only humans keep track of time, spend a day without ever checking a clock, let your natural rhythm tell you when to eat or sleep or run or lay

10. Find one thing to enjoy each day. If the rest of the day goes poorly at least you can say you liked part of it

Biting into this brownie is like stepping into a dream of pancakes. Don't let the savory taste fool you though, one of these bad boys will have you hiking into uncharted territory. Split with a friend for a smooth trip of heady goodness. Who knows where you'll end up, the Shire? The top of the World? Where ever it is, you'll be having a good time.

Today I realized that I
am one of those people
you see characterized on shows
that just wants to sit outside
and smoke
I have been on my porch
watching my plants
and the sun trot across the sky
hell I'll probably sit out here
well into the
night

I got to PolySci
a little too high
dark glasses over eyes
even though eye drops
were applied
I tried to reach out
find a friend, maybe two
but nothing came
who knew that the
"You'll make friends quickly" Dan
would fail so miserably
now it's "back of the bus music up"
Dan
who plays guitar four hours a day
and doesn't even care where his phone
is because no one here
will text me
anyway

I didn't mean to
take a piece of you
much less such an important
component of your circulatory system
how does your blood pump
from head to toe?
why did you let it go?
My hands are soaked in its
blood
staining my pillows so
I'll mail it to you
by plane,
I can say
I gave you one last flight
before
leaving

You are in paper now Eddie
my class will know you
in three weeks
they will see your royal nose
and your strong brow
they will feel your passion
your lust for life as you
pull back the bow string
but my heart still stings
still falls to my feet
thinking about you in the hospital bed
the bandage around your head
I thought it would bring closure
or make me closer to you
I was wrong
it just made me cry
made me yell at the night
I miss you
I miss you
I love you...

remember?

It's four in the morning
my mourning lays dormant in me
tears I should have cried
years I want to retry
cigarette smoke burns my eyes
but dry they remain
I lose sleep over the things
I could have lost or gained
my mind a bullet train
speeding toward a cliff
made up of
"What if?"

Do you ever try and imagine
the entire universe?
it really makes my
head
           whirl...

Things seem to
bear down hardest
all at the same time
grandma died
then grandpa had a massive
heart attack
the black of my nails
reflects the dark aspect
that grips me
this shadow that
creeps at the edge of all things
a turning in the weather
bringing the rain
again.

drove up the coast
to set foot once again
in San Luis Obispo
took acid, played a digeridoo
felt like an ******* when
she gave me a present from Spain
and I left her book
hundreds of miles away
then drank and drank
jungle juice, Jameson
whatever was in the keg
bruised my legs
and maybe my heart a little too
because now that I'm
back in Long Beach
I don't know what to do
I feel so...empty
like I've been pouring myself out
since I left home
and the last drops
have been dashed
on the
sidewalk

I've heard that in Norway
the attitude is
when you wait at a bus stop
you leave a few meters between
you and the next guy
I identify with that mindset
people don't get it
they take my kindness as closeness
lean on me when they're
too drunk
but I don't want to be touched
I'm not mean or anything
I just need space
and I won't start telling you
everything that happened
in my life
My roommates don't even know
that my grandma died
it's not my intention to hide
I haven't become distant
or cold
or shut in
right?

It feels like
kissing shadows now
not quite tangible
more ethereal
as if I've stuffed grief
in a dark corner
Death and I
we dance
he mocks my moves
I groove on
no tears for his poisons
but he has stolen the Sand Man
who no longer visits
till too late at night
my eyes dry but heavy
tossing and turning
while Death breathes
standing in the doorway
rapping his knuckles on the frame
whispering
"why can't you sleep, hm?
why can't you dream?
is it because of me?
is it because of
me?"

clean sheets
straight-out-of-the-laundry clothes
a cool wind
sighing through the window
these are the quiet moments
of the world
that I yern to share
to gently
swirl my fingers through hair
feel bare back to my skin
trace veins in shoulders
but it always seems like
I tell myself
"When you're older Dan
when you're older..."

my least favorite trait,
that surfaced late at night
with the speakers up
a little too high,
is when you try to tell me
what I know
"You have heard this song"
No, I haven't
you have no idea what
thing I've done in my life
or what I've heard
or seen
or felt

I don't think people keep in mind
how many wonderous cultures
have been stomped out
and erased by Christianity
In Norway the Christians
tried to burned all the records of the
native culture.
They moved a church
from an unconfrontation position
to directly in the middle
of a native sacred circle
then put up an iron cross
defacing the spots of old gods
forcing ideas onto the unwanting
it's haunting
and scares the **** out of me
that so many people cannot see
or will not see
the evils done for someone who
hasn't ever, ever shown his face
No man can win my battles
or erase my sins for me
that's my right,
that's my fight
Jesus may have died on a cross
but I didn't ******* ask him to.

cold
finally dark, damp
cold
eating at my bones
spearing my nerves
was I forged in
a forst draped with snow?
why does the frost
call me?
I long to be covered
suffocated with freezing hands
returned to
the hardened ground
a land covered
in ice

Smoke too much
Eat too little

one of my roommates
is very similar to a mom
except he doesn't nag to help
he bags when things aren't his way
I gotta say
it annoys the **** out of me
like, he lives with two other people
it requires bending
compromising
learning
not constant complaining
or telling me how to do dishes
despite the fact that I never leave
dishes in the sink
(It's him and the other guy)
plus I worked in a restraunt
I've done a thousand dishes
and I do them better
ugh
I'm just hung over
and complaining
but ******* A
let me be

I let Tony know
left a message on his phone
"Dude...my grandma died"
he called back twice
then dropped a text
"call me"
I was hesitant
but did
first thing he said
"I'm sorry man...that *****..."
but in minutes my
spirits were up
it's like I never left
I was so scared things would
feel broken
I was wrong
he hung up with an
"I love you Dan"
I couldn't have asked
for a better friend
to help me through
as we change from children
into
men

Grandma Cherry...

I look back sometimes
at my life
my small time here
the whole road has been unclear
my decisions never end up
how I imagine
it's like I'm still running away
from a home that doesn't exist
at least not anymore
my feet ache
my back hurts
my head feels old
pretty drunk girls annoy me
I'd rather have someone
do the twist across from me
than shake their ***
I pass my cigarette from
hand to hand
pondering plans and how
they always get led off track
how did I end up here
hundreds of miles from
my birth place
my old friends scattered
my old ideals shattered
all the chances I took
and none of them mattered
back at square one
me, myself, and no one
the sun beats down
mocking me
as if it shines brighter to ask
"Why can't you see Dan?
Am I too bright?
Why can't you see?"

It's funny how little I remember
from that hill top day in December
there is an image of a white dress
but you told me over and over
It was a cream colored cardigan
my mind spinning lies to
feed my emotion
leaves me supposin' that
nothing ever last anyway
so what does it matter
why keep on searching
there's no single person who could
withstand it
that force that pulls
and snatches every thing
I'll wing it alone
I'll wint it alone

getting high while critiquing
my peers' papers as homework
I feel like a jack ***
knit picking and clawing
getting hung up on single word choice
I wonder if they'll read it in my voice
and think what a pretentious ****.
he thinks he knows everything.
when really
I read my own work and feel
it's full of holes
letting the light shine through
revealing me for a fraud

a fraud

a few tender souls
once intertwined with me
have been shred away
by my hand
my spine is crooked over
from holding the weight
of this heavy heart
my neck sore from
supporting this brain filled
to the brim with regret
that I became the things
I looked on with a tinge of disgust
when I was eighteen
my skin feels unclean
despite countless showers
I scour and scrub but
the grimeyness persists
how did this...
how did this...

happen?

Grandma's on her death bed
while father's in Dallas
burning in the heat that is
well known for Texas
I know that I can't make it
and even if I did
she wouldn't remember me
or even worse she'd think I was Jerry
but grandpa departed a few years ago
I know, I know
it's what happens when you're old
yet I still recall
when she walked me to horses
and we fed them carrots
the old house and back porch
the dog and the heavy door
bells on shelves
and how it's all gone to hell
hey Grandma
I miss you

I prefer to smoke alone
blow away the jabbering,
the drone of the fan
mixing together, making
my knees jump.
outside by myself
with no need to say
inconsequential things or
retell a story once over.
the quiet hugs on like a sweater
or a hand knit blanket
the stars' vacant stares
speak of car crashes
of heads and windows
of hospital elevators
the wind brings along with it
an office bedroom
and 400 miles from home
if that is what I can call
what's left of my life there
then the smoke stays in my hair
to repel anyone trying to get
close

All my old friends are vessels
sailing away from the Bay
leaving the Martinez Harbor
or they are cars taking I-680 South
stopping at the last Kinder's
before driving out
flying the nest, hoping for the best
chasing paper
will we come back later?
will we return to the place
that watered us till we grew?
will we come back to nest?

I long to find
the one who I can say,
"I love the sound of you"
and hear them sing back,
"I love the sound of us"