Why must I
pay
to live on the planet
I was
born
on?

Anxiety
has been
creeping in
under the door
and seeping into
my floor
so each step
I conquer
poisons
my toes

*******
cut above the
second knuckle
so I mean it
in blood
when I say
"****
the
world"

I cling
to words
for fear
that my body
could
disappear

I
am
b
r
o
k
e
n
.

They say diamonds last
forever
I guess my love's a diamond
for you
I say things I think are clever
but you leave me
smiling like a fool

If I had diamonds
for everytime you
saved me
I'd put them
in your eyes

They say gold can buy you
happiness
I guess you're the only gold
I have
I'm happy when I'm kissing
your lips
I hope this is something you
grasp

If I had gold
for everytime you
saved me
I'd put it
in your heart

But all I have
is sweet, sweet love
I hope that's
enough

I hope that's
enough

I don't remember
much
from before the
divorce
just blurred images
of him
shoving her
the year prior
.

a friend asked,
"Do you miss her?"
and before I could whisper
a reply
they nodded,
"You do, I can see it
in the way you look
at the sky
...
everytime"

They always say
the grass is greener on the
other side
I will tell you
it's the same shade
They always say
their way is better than yours
I will tell you
stay true to your
heart

They will try and take you
they'll tear your morals
apart
hiding behind
their smiles so fake
inside their lonely hearts
waiting to break

It doesn't matter how you begin
it only matters how you
end

They always say
the grass is greener on the
other
side
.

Government shutdown
means no food stamps
stamping my foot
in hunger
I'm cold
lonely
and miss my
brother

Washed clean
on the
inside
.

A lightning bolt
struck me
electrified my
impulses
and demolished
my beliefs

Quitting smoking
is like pushing away
the only person that
will never...can never
leave you
her perfume calms the jitters
and if you really miss her
just open up the pack
grab another

but
she is
only
a false
replacement
for a
lover

I miss
when we had bunk beds
you on the top
climbing up a ladder
before sleep
murmured chatter
I'd ask for a story
you'd oblige
always a corner stone
to my life

I think it's been
two months that
have gone by
today I realized
I've never
n e v e r
seen you cry
not when Eddie or Grandpa
died
or when
Mom and Dad
split up
never asked me
"Are you alright?"

but then again
neither have I
.

Never agressive enough
my confidence snuffed
he chats her up
while I huff grey air
to the side of the porch
looking out at nothing
going nowhere
then they walk back
now attached like a pair
and here I am aware
that I missed my shot
why didn't I talk?
Why do I summon up
space and brace myself
against a chance
am I a broken man?
Am I
b      o
         r      k
                         e
                     n


?

Glass filled
to the brim
with crystal clear
water
as they all fell further
till balance faltered
met a gorgeous girl
who is the one and only
mother to her daughter
I can't say I'm
disappointed
the burn of alcohol
was missing
I find myself
wishing
for more
water.

Bones
stand
alone

Why do so many
strangers
tell me they see
god in my eyes
when inside
I am
godless

Wisdom teeth
grinding up under
gums
ready to rupture
this is torture

Flicked from my fingertips
fireworks skip across the
pavement
falling grey against the frost
with no guiding force
but my mindless toss
driven by a twist
in the universe
I hope I'm like them
not actually
lost

Turns out
2014
will be another year
on the brink

Cigar smoke
gin
cards slapping, chips clacking
Shouts of dismay and victory
bound around the room
Chairs scrap as legs stand straight
a ten, three royalty, and an
ace.
I found my friends
with pocket Jacks,
all in,
and a
sloppy
poker face

Brown packaging
opens to ivory
bottle of medication
to spread over my
unsightly face
two weeks they said
two weeks
till these red ****** wars
finally die
out

Twelve hours
of REM
and the images
in my head
were all my life
from five years ago
Will, Jake, Sondag, Emily,
Andrew, working at the DRG,
but one face was missing still
E-D-D-I-E

I know who I am
behind the acne and whack beats
without the coke lines and heat
burning my throat from the cigarettes that
greet my teeth and seep into my lungs
I know what I find fun
and what I find dumb
I'm complete
introverted, a bit cheesy, but
not afraid to be me,
it has left me lonely
"Just be yourself"
but somehow that has me
sitting on the shelf
unnoticed and left to melt
not even a side course
let alone a meal
no protien
in me
I'm valueless to most people
those who eat meat
and those who don't
I was king of nothing
and now I've been dethroned
so *****
unknown
gone

I love seeing money
in my bank
it's only a K
but that's more than
I've had in weeks and weeks
Dollar bills speak
linking the dopamine in my brain
with the green
grocieries, fuel, housing
and for once maybe a little bit
for savings
time to finally get on
my feet

"The way you work
is so messy"
as paints lay all
around,
bits of paper
tacked, taped
in shapes
five shades
of blue
stain my arms
"And your pieces are so...
unclean, undefined"
I laughed a little
and replied
"Just like
life."

Xanax
a cure for some
a vice for others
but friend of mine
don't let little
pills
be your downfall

Nine months
I've been untouched
not a single brush
of passion from lips
or a traced design
from finger tips
I miss it
I miss it
I miss
being
loved

I'm drawn thin
aches and pains
on the sides of my shins
due to pancake flat feet.
Hunched over as if
I'd taken my age and
added ninety more years
but my body decided to
keep my acne,
how lucky.
Really I just want
to sleep
I'm ready for
eternal peace
because I already
feel worked and worn
enough
to die

Sandblasted
red, octagonal glass
dangling from black twine
a gift from you,
long gone,
that is mine
and I cherish it
more than
my dwindling stack
of cash,
more than my beat up car,
more than my only
guitar,
more than my
favorite scars,
because it was
crafted by your hands,
since turned to ash
and spread out over the rocks
and valleys,
I love you still
Eddie

days
weeks
months
and I'm still flying
solo
not even close
to a special someone
I linked arms with
a lady
and that was hard won
even if it was only
to keep her from
falling
.

Promises I make
to help others
will forever be true
but promises
about myself
are fated
to break

Strolling down
Stenner Street
a group out for
Wow Week
stumbles toward my past
twelve to one
no way will I last
so I step to the street,
as they pass me a girl
hollers,
"That kid's hair is crazy"
then laughs deep
maybe I'm the only one
that has always
thought like
me
.

Mom told me
I'd always been like
this.
Like what?
Exactly who
you
are

I'm laying with my
dome on the dashboard
the engine revs and comes alive
here I am with my foot to the floor
back again for another drive
because I love this machine
more than people love me
its seats caressing as
I cry
but no matter
how much I scream
"Why,
why?"
it stays silent
quiet
like my friends
that have died.

In the last
day
I've come to see
that people
gaze
right
through
me
.

Posted by the door
watching as the "bouncers"
let in girl after girl
only to whisper "*****"
behind their backs
meanwhile
polite, kind, little me
gets stopped while the rest of the pile
trip on in, faces plastered with smiles
I got the denial.
A stranger from the window
one hand on chase
offered me a shot
and then proceeded
to correct himself,
"I meant a *** shot in the face"
then disappears with a jeer
so I turned and
walked home alone
up the stairs of stone
to this bed
why be righteous at all
when given this ****
over and over
might as well
sleep/be dead

Your voice
can't be produced
in my head
five years you've been
dead
and I
miss
you

On the balcony
of musty Mustang
she sang, while
I smoked,
then grabbed my pack
and refused to let go.
Stole my ID
no more cigarettes for me.
Maybe that's just
the kind of girl that
I need.

I write because I’ve always been sad,
I consistently think that if you read something that feels true you actually experience it,
it becomes part of you.
Somehow that helps your heart,
I don’t know how it but it does,
and that is what I am trying to do.
I’m trying to fix hearts.

I swear the ground breathes
when I stare too long
and the patterns on the wall
meld together.
My bones sense the weather,
even then I go out without
a sweater
to let the frost
raise my skin in bumps
over the ink on my arm
no harm in letting
hands steadily go shades of blue
and my nose
a reddish hue
what else can I do?
what else
can I
do?

A handful of paces
to the left
then up to the door
behind which she slept
last night
and all the nights before
now invited to join
from the bed,
to the wall,
to the kitchen floor.

Take me back two years
when you were there to
hear my fears
now I'm two steps from
running away

What can I say
I'm broken
what can I do
I'm choking
this is all
cliché

Does your brain bring
all of the things I
used to be
buying rings
writing songs
at night I could
hear you sing

Still haven't felt the same
I'm worn down
tame
lame
hanging my head in shame
a sham of the man
I used to be
when you were
there for me

I'm as broke as a coke fiend
full of self loathing
even paying for a parking pass so I don't get slapped with a ticket while I'm at class
makes me feel like I'm choking
I can't afford hoping
after you take out tax and add in the fact that I have to buy food and a meezly bit of gas to get my *** to school
Being cool? Nope can't foot that,
that's why I'm in the same **** pair of blown out shoes and shorts a size to big making them sag
Text books are a thing of the past,
along with going out on the weekends,
I'm constantly waiting for the week to end but then I'm reminded that I don't have a days break
That's seven days a week I'm on flat feet making my legs ache
and people wonder why I've been hostile
a few smirks short of a real smile
I'm aggravated like a crocodile that's under fed,
but too low on fuel to do anything but finish homework then lay in bed.
At least when I'm asleep I can dream of money
And if I don't dream it's the closest thing to being dead.
Enough said.

Just to lay
with the ebb and pulse
of another beating heart,
the rise and fall of empires
in a gentle breath,
the tide of blankets
being pulled to and fro
is a hope
left
h
a
  n
   g
    i
       n
        g

These sunburned shoulders
will peel away
eventually matching
once again with my
pale skin
but the day that beheld the
scorching heat
will not be so easily
forgotten

I've learned
that time alone
away from stimulation to
all my senses
is
a
neccesity

Stumbling and struggling
through an intellectual
upbringing
attending class but wasting
money
because a clear goal
is still escaping
a solid grasp.
I'm a binge student
and this is just another
relapse

It took her
a bit over a year
and a half
but I have no animosity
within me
because she finally
had the guts to say
"I'm sorry"