search through the fog
brought on by bottles filled
with poison or potion
lay yourself to rest
beneath the frozen ground
bow down to death
an unlikely friend
take the rotting hand
leave this land far behind
far
far
behind

The living room is invaded
I've barricaded myself in the bathroom
yellow light my only savior
from the doom of interacting

The barking dog, disappearing, driving,
ashes, Eddie, Jake,
divorce, holes in souls, constellations,
I don't know, I am Arturo Bandini,
I am the sweatshirt that hugged her arms,
Stolen sweatshirt, smokey sweatshirt,
apologies, broken necklace,
whatever

it all occurs way too quickly,
moments flicker with every
little death, every time I fall asleep,
between shifts is an eternal rift,
gobbling down searing green numbers
that stare from  the oven,
as if whispering, "your times 'a coming,"
when I  next wake up
will I be forty-five?
will I even be alive--

So I slow mo time flow by
getting my mind blown,
each second feeling vital,
their veins pulsing with a solution,
an intangible answer,
I have only to ask
the right question...

jeans soaked through,
clinging to skin and sweat
beaded, dripping past my brow,
grey slosh seeped into shoes
that won't be dry by morning,
when I cram them back on,
trudging, soon after dawn,
to resume the routine,
prep unbelievable amounts of food,
clean never ending stacks of dishes,
growing suspicious that this is it,
life after school,
just grinding myself to bits,
so when I finally get a day off,
all I want to do is sit, and pretend  
I don't exist.

being human is strange,
out of everything
I could have manifested as,
a sand grain, a water drop, a rock,
who would have guessed
I'd be projected into this brain,
which sometimes lets me fly,
but usually gets me stuck...

money makes me ugly,
as soon as I catch extra
you can see me at the smoke shop,
blowing it by buyin' packs of cigarettes
smoking two a pop,
drinking heinous amounts,
getting dangerous when I go out,
reckless intentions demolish
my apprehension for self harm,
not razors but walls,
not looking for a savior or even
interacting with all a y'all,
just sitting in the shower using
too much water while I finish off a bottle,
full throttle toward self destruction,
trying to not function,
I don't even want the promise
of resurection, distant on purpose,
so I'll close this with an apology
to everybody and me,
I'm sorry
I'm sorry