She was one of those girls. Easy to love, bright, but when the season changed she was full of rain and overflowing gutters. I could get an umbrella, even a small boat to ride her waves, but she would always sink me. Just before I could drown in her waters she would give me CPR in the form of Spring kisses. Rays of sun shone through her eyes.
For two years I managed to survive through her storms just long enough to bask in her ever flitting warmth. Our one year anniversary threatened to rip me limb from limb, she was a tornado that day. Flowers and home made pasta blew away her storm clouds, just barely.
When two years rolled around I must have looked like a weathered sailor, knowing the exact moment to pull the sails, or when to just hang on and ride the rolling seas. So when she sat down one day and said,
“I can’t do this anymore.”
I just froze, caught completely off guard.
“I love you like…a brother.”
I started taking my ship into shore, to retire, maybe become a mountain man.
“I can’t talk to you…”
I pulled into the harbor, turned around, and set my vessel on fire. No more storms for me, no more blessed, tropical trips either. As the tip of my ship’s mast sank into the water, I let out a sigh of relief, shaved my beard, and disappeared down the coast.

It started nibbling on my spinal chord
not long ago
each day the bites get wider
tossing me into throws of
this all means nothing
or looking like my dad
while staring at the mirror hanging above the sink, It lingers

when I'm on my feet for too long
they turn red
making it hard for me to
stand for anything.
maybe my bed has a selfish plot
to keep me from ever leaving
with its sheets full of envy
forcing me to repeat defining moments
every time my mind deems it fit
to dream

I had that dream
with Sydney all close to me
and today two street signs stood out
what did they say?
The top one was my name
and the one right below was hers
I sat on the curb
head in hands
"When does this end?
When does this end?"
Every corner I turn is a reminder
smashing **** up in the grinder
but her
but her
what the ****, why does she linger
is it because I haven't loved since?
I just want to rinse my hands
get rid of her name
it's a a sick game this world plays
let me break the rules
let me cheat
so I can get her syllables
out of my cheek

woods surrounded us
full of clatter and charm
we lay beneath a woven blanket
you fit snug into my arms
that dark hair twisting in my fingers
your laughter and gentle kisses
complimenting the words that
filled my ears
I hate it, I hate it
these dreams abound with you
I don't even love you anymore
I don't even care
I don't even remember how to love
so why do they haunt me?
why do they taunt me?
why can't I let them
go?

all the eyes scan right over me
this hand hasn't held
this heart hasn't felt
this knee hasn't knelt
to any feeling of late
my plate is empty
and has been so for
many a day
I've forgotten how to say
words that melt or thaw
my body doesn't know
how to be raw or *****
I must be
I must be
fading
fading
faded

I call my bed my ******* best friend
it'll always hold me when
my head is cracking, pouring
tequila and brain matter all over the floor
when I'm hacking, dying
from the poison I chose to take
laying naked and shivering
but too hot to cover up
I'm generally not a **** but
for my bed I'll do anything
just put a few thousand shots in me
so I can be with my best friend
so I can finally
fall asleep