this car is almost out of gas
this highway seems endless
this drive is oh so lonely
i liked it better when you were here

**** man, life changes fast
Look back 6 months, and what did I have?
Mid August, hot as hell
In love with a girl, and I couldn't tell
That my life was soon to be on a collision course with death
Wasting away until my last breath
Driving around then, laughing all day
Home at night now, carving away
Living two lives, all at the same time
Wake up in the morning, slap on a mask
Its winter now, and nobody asks
How I've been
Hey Dan, do you need a friend?
Well, I suppose they do
But not in the way I can give a real answer to you
Because I feel like a drag weighing down on your fun
Since I'd give anything to stare down the barrel of a gun
With a little click I could fade into the night
And say goodbye to this torture that we call life

anger is red
hatred is black
love was white
i hate that you left

You grabbed me by the arm
Pulled me down to the bed
Pressing your lips fiercely against mind
Blocking any words from escaping
You had no desire to know
Any whom had been you before

Your head rests on my chest
Curled up against me
The perfect kind of warmth
I ask you for a name
You let out a laugh
And said I needn't worry about that

We fall asleep in each other's arms
Peace at last
The perfect end to a wild night
And when I awake, you are gone
Nothing remains but the scratches on my back
And the haunting smell of roses, lingering in my bed

In the mirror I glimpsed
Scars upon my skin and
They serve as a painful reminder that
You will never love me again

I am nothing
Perhaps even less
Though I try so hard
To finally achieve
Happiness
My efforts seem futile
It seems that for every step forward
I fall two more back
Retreating further and further
Losing hope, faith dwindling
My mind empty, my heart crushed
For I am so worthless
And she, so lovely
Smart and funny, beautiful land kind
No shot in hell, she will ever be mine
Walks in the park, our hands intertwined
Cuddling in bed, the silence so golden
Hearts beat together
Words are not needed
And though i pray nightly
For this dream to come true
Somehow I know
My wishes shan't come through
Because alone is how God made me
Alone I am destined to be
A tragedy befalls me
A life of pain envelops me

Underneath the surface
And mind you, this is true of everyone
Lies something far more interesting
Much more intriguing
And often darker than anything you can  see

Take a girl
She's pretty, has a smile on her face
Laughs and flirts and teaser her way through the day
But alone, she is wreck
A mess of self hatred and bitterness
Waging a war on her body

Take a boy
He's tall, handsome, strong
A stud athlete, a great character kid
The kind of son you want your child to grow up to be
Yet on the inside he is miserable
Dad's a drunk with a temper
Mom left years ago
And he blames himself every moment for that
Wishing he wasn't alive

Take a woman
She works hard, with kids and a job
The children are smart, well mannered
They'd make any mother proud, and they are her pride and joy
But her husband is always gone on business
And the pain is too much to bear
So she turns to the pills that make her forget
The pills that came to run her life

Take a man
Wealthy, successful
Straight laced and out spoken, climbing that corporate ladder
A bachelor, and everyone assumes its by choice
H chose career over family and thrived
Or so they think
But little do they know he has a secret
A wife isn't exactly his style
He loves another man, who hates him for it
So he throws himself into his work
Until his fire had died, and he is burnt out

On the surface, success is a wonderful guise
For all the pain we bury inside

mixed signals and unclear intentions
no idea what either of us want
surreal nights you aren't sure are real
secrets you swear you've never told
intensely casual conversations
treatises on dying young and alone
you're somewhere out there away from me
and neither of us can go home

They call me crazy
Like I'm the Mad Hatter, celebrating an unbirthday
But if insanity was happiness, I'd be so content
If it was celebration of the mundane,  I would be tranquil
But it is not

Insanity is fear
Fear, of others words, of friends, and lovers, and yourself
Fear to do the wrong thing, and make a mistake
Fear, to do what is right
Fear, tainting all of your thoughts

Insanity is the hatred
Oh yes, the hatred, red and powerful
You close your eyes, and you can see it, the beast
Insanity is Satan stopping by to say hello
Heath Ledger introducing some chaos into the equation

When you wake up in the middle of the night
Drenched in a cold sweat, covered in your own blood
With no recollection of the previous night
No explanations, for what has happened
That, is insanity

Insanity is the enemy of death
For death brings with it silence
And there is no fear, chaos, hate or insanity in the silence
Death, a beautiful new lover, an escape
Death, the only option

The words are inside
Struggling to come out

That's just a metaphor
For what this poem's about

So keep marching little soldier
Because those old men's time has come

Gay, straight, who gives a ****?
Find your joy, go get some

Somebody out there
Is fighting a war
And that war is over nothing
But the perceived imperfections
That they find in themselves

Discovering problems when none are there
Without realizing the lack of substance
Just created villains out of air, not understanding reality
But for them, the problems were always there
And they weren't self made, they just occurred

And the war over that which is not real
Is the bloodiest conflict in history
With casualties every day, battles every night
Men and woman, adults and children perish
Fighting for a cause they don't understand
That those on the outside can't see

Because this war is in hell
And hell is a state of mind
And when there, every moment is a struggle
To stay alive and hold back the demons
Swarming through your mind

what's the point of good news if you have no one to share it with
what's the point of bad news if you have no one to bear it with
Zeus split us up eons ago when he saw our power
i just want you to come home

shattered glass can never truly be fixed
and what's now ash can never return to what it once was
i'll never forgive you for how you treated me
and i'll never forget what you threw away

Its Christmas time now
And you're gone
And I'm lonely
And I think back to last year
And the time we spent together
The love we had
And I feel a hollow emptiness in my chest
Thinking of the love so passionate
Now dead forever

Its better this way
I know that
but I can't help but dream of finding someone like you
Someone to hold me and help me through the rough times
And to laugh and make fun of drunks at a party
Kissing me as the ball drops
Walking you home, hand in hand

This time last year I was a wreck
But I had you, and it was enough
Now, I am still a wreck
And I don't have you
But I will find better
Someone who deserves my love
And who can love me

A pictures worth a thousand words
And hell, I ain't no artist
But I'll draw you one anyways

A pictures worth a thousand words
And I never know where to begin
But I'll draw the first line and see where it goes

A picture is worth a thousand words
So I made this
For you

A picture is worth a thousand words
Written in blood
An image of the self

I got 99 problems and all of them's being happy
Cracks in the foundation
I don't know who I am supposed to be
4 years of life wasted
Tattered skins and ashen lungs
Barely survived, on the other side
Unsure of what can be done
To move forward now, changed as I am
Once so damaged, now a healed man
Recovery isn't a straight line
Relapse will occur
But for the first time in my life
I don't want to leave this world

Its funny how blind a man could be
What love can do to our perception
Ruining our objectivity
Worse than any intoxicant ever could dream of
How we come to ignore all of the flaws
In the person we love
How we turn a blind eye
To their evil inside
Our judgement clouded
We think they are perfect
And so, to us
They become perfect
The embodiment of our highest values
The answer to our hearts highest prayers
Its funny what love can do
Because its almost always a lie

Dripping, from an open wound
Wounds, that they would say are self inflicted
But we all know it was because of them
They who would not listen, and could not understand
Who made you feel worthless, like a mistake

Wishing I was dead, just to make them happy
For, if every time I speak I worsen my situation
The Silence death brings would surely please them
Cut off from the world, with only my thoughts
This makes perfect sense, to take my own life

Yet my heart, he refuses to stop beating
No matter how many times I try, my brain will not cease to function
In this I am a failure, as in all other things
Yet if you knew, this time you would be glad I failed
But I can not tell you, for you don't understand

Forever is a long time
Without you by my side
Best friends turned enemies
Hatred where there was once love
Its a sad thing, when a relationship dies

But sometimes things just don't work out
And you can find better friends than me
But I hope somewhere, deep down
You understand what you lost
When you walked away from here

Splitting pain throughout my head
Can't help but wish that I was dead
Foggy memories crowd my mind
Making me a long for an earlier time
Before the hits and brain so damaged
Back when I had problems I could manage
Words come out in a jumbled mess
Stumbling and stumbling as a try to confess
That though now broken I was once whole
That I can conquer this injury and become the me of old
Four times recorded when my brain did falter
Became countless Sundays praying at the altar
Father heal me from the lingering pains
Please, let me be whole again

Nothing is forever
Even gravity was conquered
So chin up little soldier
I promise you will love another

Across the room you sit
Absorbed in thought
Biting your lower lip
While you contemplate
Lord knows what
But I wish it was me

Shyly, I stare at you
My bangs hiding my eyes
Praying you don't notice me
But wanting nothing more than to attract your attention
And perhaps I could draw a smile
From your thin red lips

You're beautiful
Not in the flashy, mini skirt kind of way
But in that subtle, wink across a crowded room style
Flying under the radar, until noticed
When you steal the show
And capture my attentions like nothing else can

I do not know why a girl like you
Would give someone like me a chance
So I sit here dreaming, hoping, longing
For the day when I get the courage to walk over and ask
If you'd spend some time with me
And pray you say yes

it was the kind of winter that sits in your bones
the red house with the yellow door on the corner had too many holes
nobody spoke except to sigh and watch their breath float away
and the markets were bad, and the oil was expensive
the liquor flowed freely even though the bills were unpaid
they just hung over our heads, those silent monsters always present
but sprawled together on that grey couch we were at peace
and even if things weren't great, we made them good

Learn from your failures
That was a lesson drilled into me at a young age
Do not be afraid to fail
Because failure is naught but a spring board to success
So I watch with closed lips while you hurtle along your reckless path

I know that we are supposed to make our own choices
And I know how stubborn you can be
Refusing any advice
Rejecting any help
Because you are your own person, and you will stand firm

But I can help you
You can't see it clearly
Emotion clouds your perception
And perhaps it clouds mine too, but in a different way
A way that leads to protection, instead of destruction

How many nights must you fall asleep
Filled with pain
Tear drenched clothes
Wishing with all your heart that everything would be okay
When it is in your power to make it so; you just don't realize

One night, I couldn't take it anymore
And I swore an oath to save you from yourself
And I called you, voice quivering
And laid it all out on the line
Everything you needed to hear

A wise man once said life is like a box of chocolates
But darling, it isn't always so
Life is bittersweet and shall never be perfect
And neither shall you, no matter how hard you try
And hate yourself, for the imperfections

But the imperfections are what make life beautiful
And the pain is just an obstacle to be conquered
With love, and friendship
And you don't need to fight this battle alone
No matter how much it feels like nobody is beside you

Because we are all here darling
And we will help lead you out of the darkness
And into the light
Take my hand, and walk with me
I'll show you the joys of life

Sunrise over still water, silence all around you
The scent of the sea drifting towards you, filling you with bliss
While the clouds roll by, carried by that warm breeze
Life can be good my darling
We just have to open our eyes

And see a million snowflakes falling over a million souls
Each one as unique as the person it lands on
And see the city, made beautiful and clean
Glistening in the sun
While the kids laugh in the street

A poet sits alone on a park bench
Waiting for inspiration to strike
And a girl walks by
Flashing a smile
And his world is turned upside down, and he knows

That life is beautiful.
And he will show you if its the last thing he does

Death so tempting a lover
Because life is a *****
Death so tempting an escape
Because life is a trap
Suicide a suddenly reasonable action
Because living became too hard

Pardon me please
I hate to interrupt
But I could not help it
Because you are so
Beautiful
My eyes have been yours all night
And nothing would make me
Happier
Than taking your hand on the dance floor
Spinning round and round
Intimate moment in a crowded room
Eye contact made
Please
Do not break it
For in your eyes
I see the heavens
The future promised
To all who do good
And I think you are the
Key
To unlocking all of the potential
Joy found in the world
Drown me in your
Love
And all sorrows will end
Peace shall be upon us
And everything will finally be
Okay
So please
Allow me one dance
And DJ, make it a long one
Because I know once we are there
No moment could be worse
Than when the music
Stops

Is there a hell?
A place where cursed souls go to suffer for their sins
Burning and wasting away for all eternity in the fiery depths?
With Lucifer, the Devil, the famed fallen angel, ruling with an iron fist?

Why yes, my friend
There is
But, not the hell religion gave us
You see, hell is here on Earth
And it is a place inside of us
The dark, evil twisted areas of the mind
The suffocating darkness, the stinging emptiness
Hell is the loss of hope, and love
When you can't see any way out
And you drift along, not living
But surviving
Barely
Blood draining, lungs filled with smoke
Long Sleeves all summer, because that's how you roll
Hell, my friend, is where I was,where I am
Where you left me, alone
To struggle with the abyss inside of me
Weaponless, powerless
Faltering
Dead

Time is
Strange
It flows so
Uneven
With days-weeks-months flying by
While seconds
Minutes
Hours
Crawl past
Every heart beat a drawn out affair
Every blink of the eye lasting ages
Until suddenly you're jolted forward
And you're old
And everyone else is too
And you're left to wonder
Where all the time
Went

Tragic characters in an empty theater
God doesn't watch us
God doesn't care
The passion we were born with fades to dust
With every cigarette we inhale so eager for our death
On the last night on Earth I will stand by your side
We can plunge to our death
In love,
You and I.

The shadows of love become the ghosts of the past
Found only in the smells trapped between your sheets
Friendships fade into nothingness leaving so little trace
You can hardly believe they were real
Times do change and people grow up
But every so often, someone gets left behind
Cigarette after cigarette just biding their time
Until they can again find meaning in life

Every time I see your face
I get a sinking feeling in my chest
That awkward combination of love and sadness that dominates my emotions
Hits me like a train
And I sit here dreaming
Dreaming of a time, and a place
That do not exist
Have not existed
And shall never come to pass
A place where somehow
You fell for me too
A time when somehow
I am happy
But it is all a fantasy
And then reality came home

10 is the number of a team
Working in unison to achieve success
9 is the number of the men
Who judge us all before their seats
8 is the number of dancers
Weaving and twisting in time
7 is the number of magicians
So that their illusions can survive
6 is the number of people
Crammed into this old house, fighting
5 is the number of celebration
Hands raised, slapped together
4 is the number of conflict
Friends tearing each other apart
3 is the number of strength
A triangle, holding up the world
2 is the number of lovers
So that neither will be alone
1 is the number of the man
Who commits perfect evil, or perfect good

Don't you understand?
All the time, i am miserable
Never feeling love or joy
Instead, trapped in a world of loneliness and self hatred
Everyday is a battle, and the more time passes, the more I am losing
Life full of hardships, too much for me to bear

Kings bear the weight of their crowns with grace
Even when the challenges they face are insurmountable
Not once do they express doubt
Not once do they waver in their strength
Every man can not be king though
That much has been proven with my life
Hope long gone, death in its place, a young soul now departed

I thought we would be the friends
That managed to survive our youth
Without the dependence on drugs, and alcohol
So often found in our peers
A tool in their desperate pursuit of happiness

I thought you would be there with me
To talk, and joke
About being the only two not at the party
Getting slammed out of our minds
Stumbling away towards nowhere

I thought you were genuine
You promised me things wouldn't change
Saying wouldn't let the temptation get to you
Staring the demon in the face and whispering "no"
Because you'd seen the evil of its ways


We both come from families
With a background in addiction
We both have seen the damage it can do
Murdering a future
Shattering a family

I believed you when you told me
You understood what it was like
Watching her become someone vicious and nasty
And you swore that never, ever
Would you be the same

But I know better now, you're a fraud
A weak willed person
Afraid to stand up for yourself
When the people come knocking
Offering you a trip

These days I sit alone when there is a party
Because nobody is left on my side
This car so lonely when its only me
The empty seat next to me serving only as a bitter reminder
That nobody is with you, on your life's ride

Darling, the end has come
I must depart into the sunset
Leaving you forever
In search of heaven or hell
Where ever God deems a soul like me worthy of living

Understand that I did the best I could
I fought this war for years
There is nothing left for me to give
So when you stumble upon a hanging boy
Try to understand, it is a blessing to me
An escape from the torments of the world

I am a dead man
Not physically, for my heart still beats
And air fills my lungs
And my mind wanders
But spiritually
After seeing my innocence slaughtered
My trust in humanity shattered
And that unshakable belief that everything would be okay
Shaken
Murdered by a cold cruel world
Where men need a bottle just go get by
Because facing reality is too much to bear
And a woman sits crying
Because her husband is never home
And she has to raise the kids all on her own
Kids who, with the right guidance, would be amazing
But one parent isn't enough
So the children waste away into nothing
Fading away into the monotony
Of existence
Just as I have done

Alcohol is a poison
You will fade away
We have all seen good men and woman
Wasting day after day

Addiction is a curse
One you can't escape
Every night I contemplate
Rolling the dice of fate

The bottle in my left hand
The trigger in my right
Throw away my future
Or choose to die tonight

Remember me with joy
Curly hair a mess
Giggling like a child
Loving, affectionate, free

Erase from your mind the wreck that has come instead
Cold, bitter, angry
For it is not how I want to be remembered
I want to be remembered at my best

The Lord gives
The Lord takes away
And I was blessed in knowing you
During all those winter days
Huddled in my bed
Laughing our heads off
Curled under a blanket
Making love, so soft

The Lord gives
The Lord takes away
This winter is different
In so many ways
I still lay in bed
But now I am alone
And the *** is gone, replaced with a longing
For the first person I called home

I wanted you to love me
But it wasn't fair to ask
You are beautiful, kind, lovely
And I'm a worthless wreck

It has been a long time
Since I was with you
And despite all the time that has passed
It still feels the same
As if it had been minutes since I'd last seen you
Not months
With easy smiles and laughter
Friendly hugs and jokes
Holding you while you nap
Kissing you when you're mad
It is like coming home after a long day
Where you feel safe, and nothing has changed
So why is it that we spend so much time apart
When we are clearly so happy together
Why must me make life difficult
When our love could make it so easy?

Sometimes I feel as if I should speak up
And tell you how I feel
But right now we live in a world where everything is simple
And we needn't think at all
Just live, as we do
Happy, but not as happy as we should be
I think I should speak up
But I am afraid to to ruin what we do have
For the sake of what we could have
And I can't tell if this is because I love you too much
Or if the heart of a coward lies within me?

Paranoid minds never find peace
A thousand battles I have fought
With nobody here beside me
Anxiety builds swiftly
The pounding in my chest
Every mistake I've ever made
Makes me wish for death

The future looks bleak
Taking a pill every day
Chemically imbalanced brains cause suffering
Praying for something to take me away
Hit the bottle hard, looking for an escape
Anything to outlive this madness
That plagues my every day

Terrified of growing older
When work is an obligation
They have no sympathy
For a mental health vacation

Locked up in my room
Voices in my head shouting
Saying I should **** myself
That's the only way out  it

So forgive me if I'm reckless
While I'm still young
Because I don't give a **** if I live
Past 21

God is in the rain
I heard that once and it always stuck with me
Even though, I was never quite sure what it meant
Until one rainy night
Warm, breezy, romantic
I found myself alone with you
Falling madly in love

Something about the rain is so seductive
Perfect weather to lie in bed
Bodies intertwined as a movie plays in the background
Your head on my chest
Heart beating so swiftly
A half smile on your lips
Because you hear it beat, and know what it means

A musician once told me
That God is love
And for me
On that most perfect of days
Our souls converged
Driven by the love found in the rain
Just as God is

Contrast is stunning and
My life is the greatest juxtaposition
Depression and anxiety
Drained of energy, bouncing off the walls
Stared death in the face a few times
Victim to the darkest spots in my mind
Suicidal, still living day after day
Stuck here forever, in a world full of grey

It’s a daily battle
Me versus the fatigue
The soul crushing emptiness that fills me
And the dark thoughts that creep in
My defenses long battered, my energy drained
Chinks in the armor shine through
And I begin to falter, gradually weakening
The darkness asserts itself, carving out a foothold
And the emptiness spreads, filling the cavities of my chest
The days drag on, leading into nights filled with despair
My head pounds, my thoughts race
Will I ever escape this hell?

Fear and sorrow consume me
Conquering reason, allowing the evil to spread
Hope is dead, love has fled
Everywhere my defenses crumble
Leaving me raw and vulnerable

The emptiness has finished tis conquest
I am hollow inside, my soul devastated
The darkness has annexed my brain, destroying my sense of self
I have but one weapon left
An ace in the hole, as it were
Though I fear it may be too late to save me
The darkness lays siege to my last hope
Gnawing away, filling me with doubt
Faith in God has kept me alive
Yet that faith is failing, His presence faltering
I feel abandoned, my light snuffed out
Smoldering coals are all that is left of me

But, before they fade to black
I rally
Calling on my inner strength, and my savior above me
Throwing of the shackles of the darkness
And beginning the fight anew


This fight is eternal
The war shall never end
But I am surviving
I shall always endure

Lost in the haze of fog and regret
High up on cloud nine, I recline
Smoke drifts slowly up from my hands as I
Desperately seek an escape from this world, where
Emotions are liars who can not be trusted
and convictions are flimsy
Cast away in a single heartbeat

Kurt Cobain said
It is better to burn out then fade away
And that really stuck with me
Because its hard to make an impact in a world
Where we are taught everyone is special
Which of course means tat none of us are
A world where freedom
Means dropping 200 grand on a college
And working 9-5 for the next 45 years
Its really hard to make an impact
In an era where everyone thinks they are an artist, a poet, a star
Carving a niche out for yourself?
Well that's **** near impossible
I think Kurt was right
It is better to go out with a bang
But it is pretty **** hard

You wish you could fly away
On the wings of a dragon
To a happier land
Escaping the pain of adolescence

But broken people
Receive no respite
From the damage suffered
Every moment

Butterfly, butterfly
Such a beautiful sight
I'm drawing all these butterflies
To save my own life
No more of the cutting
Nothing with the burns
I am done with tying nooses
My butterflies will save my world