I am nothing
Perhaps even less
Though I try so hard
To finally achieve
Happiness
My efforts seem futile
It seems that for every step forward
I fall two more back
Retreating further and further
Losing hope, faith dwindling
My mind empty, my heart crushed
For I am so worthless
And she, so lovely
Smart and funny, beautiful land kind
No shot in hell, she will ever be mine
Walks in the park, our hands intertwined
Cuddling in bed, the silence so golden
Hearts beat together
Words are not needed
And though i pray nightly
For this dream to come true
Somehow I know
My wishes shan't come through
Because alone is how God made me
Alone I am destined to be
A tragedy befalls me
A life of pain envelops me

I fell in love
Once
Or perhaps twice
It is hard to tell these things
When I am so young
But back to the subject
I fell in love
And it left me damaged
Unable to fully trust
Anyone
I am trapped in a lonely world
Despair is my companion
And though I wish nothing more
Than to give myself to
Another
My brain won't let me
It shies away from
Intimacy
Because when you let someone in
They can destroy you
And my heart can't handle
Another break

I went swimming today
Twice
Which is weird because
In the past 4 years
I have been in the ocean a total of 6 times
Even though I live
In a small ocean town
Where the beach is
A short walk away
I went in the water today
Even though I have always hated
Being wet and
Salty the feeling on my
Skin is so uncomfortable
I always detested it
I went in the water today
Because I hate the person I am
And I thought that if I changed
One small part about myself
The rest could follow
And maybe if I could learn to
Love the water
I could learn to
Love myself

Growing older
Time runs out
Mistake no longer can be undone
I'm stuck with the hand I was dealt
Depression and sickness, forever a plague
A life of misery awaits
Nobody cares if you're sad as an adult
You're supposed to stand up and be a man
Men don't cry
Men are always strong
And I don't think I am capable of that

Childhood innocence
What a beautiful thing
Back when Papa was a super hero
Mama tucked you into bed every night
And getting high, was something you did with a swing
Everything was exciting and new
Imaginations ran wild
That run down shack in the woods?
A castle, perfect for games of war

Adolescence was miserable
Such a horrible time
Papa wasn't there; the bar was his domain
Mama smoked to much and cried herself to sleep every night
And pills were popped every night, just to survive
It was so hard to find a smile
Everything seemed empty and fake
And that shack in the woods?
Used now only for the least personal kind of date

High school's end was a blessing
Though its a surprise you made it out alive
Papa was gone, he never even called
And mama was drunk, she couldn't handle it all
Living such a burden, so hard for you to do
Life seemingly hopeless, no joy around for you
So you went back to that shack in the woods, for the very last time
And left this world behind you, one pill at a time

Some days
The words don't flow
The bank of ideas has gone bankrupt
And the well of thoughts has dried up
This is one of those days

A captain always goes down with his ship
There is honor in that, valor
Guns blazing as you sink, defiant to the end
I never understood where they got the courage
Found a cause worth dying for
Why not be captured?
Isn't prison better than death?
Those Lords of the high seas, they always seemed so confusing to me

I think I understand it now though
Staying attached to a lost cause
Because when you invest so much of yourself in something
It is really, really hard to let it go
So despite odds that most likely will crush you
You battle on, heels dug in, back to the wall
This love is a poison, and she will be the death of you
But you continue fighting the good fights; it is all you know how to do

Don't you understand?
All the time, i am miserable
Never feeling love or joy
Instead, trapped in a world of loneliness and self hatred
Everyday is a battle, and the more time passes, the more I am losing
Life full of hardships, too much for me to bear

Kings bear the weight of their crowns with grace
Even when the challenges they face are insurmountable
Not once do they express doubt
Not once do they waver in their strength
Every man can not be king though
That much has been proven with my life
Hope long gone, death in its place, a young soul now departed

We came into this world alone
We live this life alone
We depart to the afterlife, alone
No matter what we do or try
There will always be something preventing us
From truly being one with someone else
So we are forced to travel this journey solo
Others have the ability to assist
But the battles are for us and us alone
Win, lose, or draw
We march on alone
And that's pretty **** sad

Death so tempting a lover
Because life is a *****
Death so tempting an escape
Because life is a trap
Suicide a suddenly reasonable action
Because living became too hard

The sight of blood
You think I would have grown accustomed to it
After all, I've released so much
Wrecking pencil sharpeners, staining sheets
Blood has been a steady companion of mine these past few years
So it came as a surprise to find myself so weak
Heart racing, body shaking just at the sight of a movie
A death scene I knew was coming
But I couldn't foresee how much it shook me
Breaking down in public is hard
Trying to hide your mind falling apart
Its not something anybody should have to do
Part of that ****** hand life has dealt me
But have,  what else is new?

I had a dream last night
That when I awoke
You were tangled in the sheets next to me
Our legs intertwined, our clothes scattered
Together and happy as never before

Reality hit when I came to this morning
Nobody next to me, cold and alone
The dream lingered just beyond my conscious thoughts
Leaving me with a hollow, empty feeling
Because you are gone

I think about this girl all the time
Most of these poems are dedicated to her
And I'm so grateful that her parents decided to play it free
Because it produced this beautiful young lady
The only thing left that can inspire me
You see, life is a dark meaningless pit for me
Depression a beast I can't put back on the leash
It took control years ago, leaving this broken son
Basically brain dead, unable to have fun
Enjoyment doesn't come to me, all I know is pain
So when I met this girl, my mind was blown
It rearranged everything I thought I knew about this game
For the first time ever, hope was present
Death not so inviting, life worth living
Something to look forward every day, giving me a reason to get up in the morning
Breaking the constant cycle of sadness and mourning
Her smile? Golden
And hugging her was my only heaven on Earth
The embrace of someone you loved, it can cure you of any hurt
So when the thoughts come back
And I'm chilling with those pills
I tell her I love her, she says it back
And I manage to survive a little longer in this world

So often in this life
Love is spent in the wrong places
Hearts offered in tribute to those who do not deserve
The trust and compassion you bestow upon them
Judging the character of a man is difficult
But I beg of you, do your best my dear
For my heart breaks more and more each day
When I'm reminded of the fact that you are in love
With the wrong man

When you hear the word devil
The first thought that comes to mind
Is of a little red man with horns
He embodies evil, stands for darkness
And in theory, you know to always avoid him
Theory is far different from practice however
And the devil is a crafty man
Assuming many guises, hoping to ensnare you
He can be the most beautiful person in the world
Because he once was an angel, God's favorite
And though he has fallen from grace, his past remains

I never thought the devil would trick me
I was faithful, vigilant
I chose to seek out good people and live a life full of love
Little did I know, those good people
Were servants of the devil
Casting a facade, drawing me in
Ultimately, an attempt to destroy me was made
And though I did not perish
I am left a broken man
Unable to love, or trust
Because of two people, who seemed so wonderful
Who were actually the devil in disguise
Determined to crush my soul

Mistakes
I remember one day
We were standing in the snow
Winter was strange that year
Bi-polar in a way
Icy nights mixed with 50 degree days
Not much made sense
Until I found you
And you were my rock
Steady, constant
Keeping me levelheaded throughout all the trials and tribulations
That a young man faces growing up

I never knew I needed that
Someone I could rely on
So I foolishly struck out on my own
Thinking I was stronger
Than I actually could be
So when I burned out, like always
I had nobody to save me
So I crashed hard

These days I miss you
And regret walking away
Because I know now that I needed you
And I think I still need you
To make things feel okay
When life is going to hell
And I feel all alone
So if I ask you to come back?
Could I have you, for just one day?

there ain't no place in the world
for a boy with a broken heart
and a torn up wrist
with a noose in the closet

because we are supposed to be men
strong and emotionless
and not this ******* wreck
i have become instead

Mental illness, chemical imbalance
A flaw in chemistry, dragging us down
A lost generation, drifting the ocean
Where happiness, can not be found

Depression a monster, stalking you constant
Her claws digging in, ready for the ****
Death a release, so inviting an option
Suicide is all we have, an escape from this world

my head hurts
the pain makes my thoughts
cloudy
and the only thing i can grasp
is the image tattooed on the backs of my eyelids
of your face, the last time i saw you
staring away in the disgust

my head hurts
and its hard to remember
why
you despise me so
when all i ever wanted
was to gift you with all of the love
left in this broken heart

You hear the ticking of the clock
Steady, droning on and on
Marking the path to death
A long, harrowing journey

You heard the ticking of the clock
Or rather, you thought you did
Until the sudden revelation that it was a bomb
Intent on shortening that journey quite considerably

Eternal flame burning so bright
Spark grown huge in the depths of my heart
Consuming any other emotion
Destroying any chance I had at resisting
The Temptation I found
When I gazed into your eyes for the first time
Feeling my body flooded with warmth
Caused only by true love
I must make you mine

Darling, the end has come
I must depart into the sunset
Leaving you forever
In search of heaven or hell
Where ever God deems a soul like me worthy of living

Understand that I did the best I could
I fought this war for years
There is nothing left for me to give
So when you stumble upon a hanging boy
Try to understand, it is a blessing to me
An escape from the torments of the world

Riding the train
Her head on my shoulder
Off to the city
A lovely springtime date

I can't help but feel
That life gets no better
Than the silent intimacy
We found that day

You wish you could fly away
On the wings of a dragon
To a happier land
Escaping the pain of adolescence

But broken people
Receive no respite
From the damage suffered
Every moment

Because even though we said forever
It feels impossible to be loved
By a woman 6 ft under

life used to be so simple
wake up in the morning, have some cereal
walk to school all excited
you got to see your friends after all
recess was such a blessing
20 minutes of fresh air, playing tag or kickball
girls had cooties so you pretended you were too cool to hangout with them
and they giggled and pointed and teased you
but that meant they liked you, and it made you smile
after school you'd play in the yard
leaping from surface to surface, cause the ground was lava, and you couldn't fall
joy was so easy to come by
hardship was a runny nose, or wheat bread for your lunch
and the cuts on your arms were from crawling in a rose bush
chasing butterflies with a mindless passion
dinner was a time for family
you could talk about your day, spend time with dad
and after, maybe everyone would watch tv together
laughing and smiling
life was so simple back then
why'd it have to change?

now you don't wake up in the mornings
because you couldn't sleep last night
the demons didn't let you
breakfast?
you haven't had that in years; you never have the time
you still walk to school, but now its a slow, weary trudge
because you are dreading the hours you spend in a perfect hell
anxiety ridden, stress filled, insult filled torture
recess doesn't exist anymore
because when you are older, they decide you don't need it
now the guys you used to hangout with think they are too cool for you
they are off chasing girls, because that is what they;re supposed to do
and the girls? well, they still call you names
but somehow, "******" doesn't make you smile quite like "butthead" did
after school you trudge home and stare at a screen
killing time, trying to find anything to distract yourself
so you don't have to consider reality
because nowadays, the ground really is like lava
and if you walk in it wrong, all those ugly problems will rear their heads
being sick is normal; you have worse things to deal with
because dad sleeps on the couch, and mom's smiles never reach her eyes
and the cuts on your arms?
you tell people it was some rose bushes you stumbled in walking home
but in all honestly, you put them their yourself in the depths of the night
after another dinner you skipped, because being fat is a sin
and family time is gone, you spend the night alone
brooding and sobbing
a hopeless wreck, unable to find the joy you used to have
life used to be so simple
I guess all good things had to end

I doubt I will ever forget
The note you left me
On the day you walked out that door
I'm going to find a new world under the ocean
Somebody once told me there are ghost towns there
Do not mourn my departure, for I am happy now
With that, you married yourself to the Thames
Leaving me with a hole in my heart
For all of eternity

He left a message
Hastily scrawled in his blood
"Do not mourn my death"

Speak to me
Save me from
The suffocating silence
Bringing overwhelming sadness
Depression and pain
Please, speak friend
Distract me from
This awful world
Where they say
Its not cool
To be gay
In the place
Where I felt
More at home
Than any other
Please friend, speak
Help me ignore
The horrible slurs
The daily torments
Found in media
Found in actions
Found in life
Speak my friend
Or I know
That surely I
Shall go insane
In a world
Where its cool
To hate a man
For being gay

lay me down
oh so gently
if you please
the ground beckons
send me there
a wooden box
to hold me
forever and always
as my body
fades into dust
and my soul
slowly slips out
of your memories

bury me with
books, roses, candles
that which brought
me a smile
when times took
a turn down
a harder path
the path which
led me to
my final failing
gun in mouth
finger on trigger
victim in grave

A new moon
Hiding away from sight
We know its there
We cannot forget her presence
But it cannot be seen

Depression is like that
An illness, on the inside
When you have it, you never forget
A moments respite
Is never available to you

dark hair dark eyes
pale skin, red lipstick
cast a spell upon me
slave to desire, victim of passion
i am yours to command
for at first glance you had my body
and at second you had my soul

one can't begin to imagine
the haunted feeling i had
when you said no, turned
walked away
never giving me a chance
giving us a chance
leaving the opportunity of a lifetime on the table

nothing beats the pain
that a missed opportunity leaves
because you will never know
if maybe, things would've been glorious
a perfect ending
to the perfect beginning
but one can never find out

You stood at the altar
Decked in white
The most beautiful thing
I have ever seen
And spoke those two faithful words
"I do"
Pledging yourself to me
In sickness and in health
Til death do us part

But death came to quickly
And we were separated young
Mortality is a saddening reminder
Of the futility of the phrase
Forever and always
Because we don't control time
Instead, we fall victim to it
The never ending march to our doom
Killing all love

i loved a girl
with broken eyes
deep, sad
you could drown in them
and so i did
gasping for breath
as she pulled me under

i loved a girl
with too many scars
reminders of battles i could not help her win
with every tracing by my fingers
i wished to erase
any and all of her pain

i loved a girl
from a broken home
yelling parents
alcohol consumed
i tried to be an island
a steady rock
an alternative to the misery of her house

i loved a girl
and gave her my all
so it killed me harder
to watcher her fall
into this pit of sadness and addiction
and as i sit here in pain, wishing i could have saved her
i wondered if loving anyone
was worth it

A knife in the back
Such a subtle weapon
Sneaking up unnoticed at force
Tip hovering behind your heart
And then a ****** and a twist
And death is upon thee
A knife in the back is such a subtle weapon
And it is what killed me

You grabbed me by the arm
Pulled me down to the bed
Pressing your lips fiercely against mind
Blocking any words from escaping
You had no desire to know
Any whom had been you before

Your head rests on my chest
Curled up against me
The perfect kind of warmth
I ask you for a name
You let out a laugh
And said I needn't worry about that

We fall asleep in each other's arms
Peace at last
The perfect end to a wild night
And when I awake, you are gone
Nothing remains but the scratches on my back
And the haunting smell of roses, lingering in my bed

Life is full of strange little things
Like the fact that
None of us have ever actually seen our faces
Only our reflections
That seems so strange
All the people you've seen cry, all the smiles you have witnessed
But you have never viewed your own?
Eyes, brown or blue or green
Deep and sad, light and happy
A myriad of teeth and lips
Crooked noses, freckles
You can take them in on anyone and everyone
Except for yourself
I just think its strange
That you never get to see
The real you

Pale skin
Red lipstick
Big brown eyes
I never stood a chance
My heart melted
It is obvious why

Slow it down.
Rushing from place to place, a whirlwind of motion
Energy wasted on meaningless tasks
And for what?
Slow it down.
Stop sometimes to appreciate the beauty
Found in all things present
See the lake, frozen now
Covered in snow, a pure canvas
Hear the children playing
Laughing, joking, bickering
Where did it all go wrong?
When was it decided that to be an adult
One must constantly work
Stress driving everyone crazy
From the moment you walk through those high school doors
Til the day you die, fading into nothing
Always in a hurry
Rushing towards your death
And for what?
Slow it down.
Life is a celebration
So scream joy from the roofs
Find peace in old books
And never let your happiness perish

I have drifted around
The fringe of your life
Occasionally popping in
For a chat, or a hug
When courage struck me
But I always faded quick
When the fear returned

You see, I know myself
All of my flaws
My inadequacies
And my great many failings
So I always have felt
That I wasn't good enough
To waste your time

Your beautiful
Which is overrated
When compared to the extreme interest
To be found in your thoughts
Your sadness
Your history
all things which I wish to become intimate with

So perhaps someday
I will make a move
And invite you into this little world
I call home
But until that day, I shall live at a distance
Fading in and out of the periphery
A ghost, or a hint of a promuise

The path to hell
They say it is paved with good intentions
I was never quite sure what it meant
Or who they were
But it felt right
So I did not question it
And walked on

Words are a funny thing
Things so similar in composition
So different in reality
Like ******
And heroine
One a dark hole threatening to destroy a life
The other a strong woman waiting to save you

They said the path to hell is paved with good intentions
So I let her try to help
I thought she meant well
It certainly seemed that way at first
But her presence was a poison, weakening me subtly
Destroying all of my independent strength
Making me reliant on her

******, heroine
Only one letter different
But by definition, they are worlds apart
Or so I thought
In my naivete
Life has taught me otherwise
I know things now

At least with ******, you know what you are getting into
It doesn't have a pretty facade
An alluring smile
It is a type of hell
But an honest one
One that if you commit to, you do in full knowledge
Unlike the heroine that killed me

Because **** me she did
Someone I saw as a hero at first
Turned into a villain
By the fault of nobody
Simple circumstance destroying all
The path to hell is paved with good intentions
And you can get there via ******, or heroine

Labored breaths
Forced out of your
Collapsed chest
Caught in the land
Between life or death
Spending every moment
Fearing that nothing comes next

Drops of blood
Splatter the clean white tile
A monument to your death
That won't last a while
This day will be forgotten
Stricken from the archives
Of a world, that does not care

Everyday and every night
I stare at your name
A box open, thinking of all the things i could say
Something witty, hoping to draw a smile
Or something flirty, hoping to draw a blush
To the beautiful face of the beautiful girl
That has my thoughts in a scramble

I have never been this unsure
Of how to approach a girl
And the thought of you frightens me
Because I don't know what you've heard
About the things I did, but worse
The things I would never do
That were spread around like the gospel truth

I want you to love me
Because two is better than one
And our pair would be the happiest around
But I can't pull the trigger
And set the wheels in motion
Because this heart can't bear another rejection
So I am begging God, that you, darling, will take a chance on me

You were
Born as a rain
Drop
Fall
      Fall
            Falling
Into this pit
Of
Absolute Misery
Despair
Without hope
Desperate for
Love

I was
A firefly
Fading in
And out
Trying to save
You from the evils
Of a cruel
World
But failing
Because the
Darkness always
Came back to
Me

Deep in my mind
There is a box
Padlocked with a key
That I fear I have lost

Inside is all of the things
Needed to bring me joy
Friendship, love, peace
Locked away from a sad boy

These religious fanatics just don't seem to get it
They claim to love His teachings
But they just don't practice
Saying God hates ****
And that they all go to hell
Well if they read the ******* bible
I wouldn't need to tell
That what they say is wrong
And contradicts the teacher
John 3:16, whosoever believes
In Christ and his love
Shall never ever perish
But live on forever, in the kingdom of heaven
So when you tell me I'm a sinner
For the man that I love
I'll throw up this *******
And give him a hug
Because until you learn the error of your ways
You're judgement ain't worth ****
God loves me
I love God
Just ******* deal with it

The Lord gives
The Lord takes away
And I was blessed in knowing you
During all those winter days
Huddled in my bed
Laughing our heads off
Curled under a blanket
Making love, so soft

The Lord gives
The Lord takes away
This winter is different
In so many ways
I still lay in bed
But now I am alone
And the *** is gone, replaced with a longing
For the first person I called home

Sometimes I don't know why I bother
Well, actually, that's a lie
I never know why i bother
To struggle through everyday
Overwhelmed with sadness
Every waking moment is a battle
And my strength is faltering

My body bears the marks
Of a war long waged
Against myself
You either win or die
In his kind of war
And I find myself far closer to dying
With every sunrise

Goodbyes would be too painful
Probably more than I could bear
So if that day ever does come
It will seem i disappeared
With no explanation found
And nothing to comfort those I leave behind
Assassinated by this sadness, erased from your minds

The witching hour
A time when I am alone
Perhaps I shall die