What if I told you the sadness wasn't going away,
And what if I chased a handful of pills with a bottle of *****,
And didn't show up the next day.
Would you even notice I wasn't there?
Would you even care?
Because I want to know how you would feel,
If you lost me.
Permanently.
Forever.

That boy,
I've dug through
the depths of his mind.
The valley's,
    and crevices,
of thoughts
    and interests,
emotions and feelings.

I've explored every
inch
of his physical
existence.

The curves of his
nose,
    his cheek bones.
His arms and his torso.
His stomach and all.
    I know that boy.
He may not be mine anymore,
    but ******* it,
that boy,
    that boy is still mine.

I cannot tell
what is real,
from what has been faked.
I cannot tell the truth
    from a lie.
I cannot tell anything anymore,
and I am so lost.
But,
    how can you be lost
if you don't know
where you are going?

I feel so unsafe
in reality
because I do not know
    what reality even is.

it's like
these gashes
and scrapes
mean nothing
to you

dosen't
this raw flesh
and blood make
my happiness
seem deceiving
to you?

my physical
self infliction
of injury
is not my only
harm

you are hurting
me mentally,
deeper than my cuts
could ever get

I finally understand
what they mean,
when they say
you get addicted to a
certain kind of sadness.
Because now,
I am completely content.
But, I'm sad because,
I'm not sad.
I'm sad,
that I'm happy,
because it isn't because of you.
I now don't know
what to feel anymore.
Because I've found out that
I'd rather be sad because of you
I'd rather be happy because of you
than be sad,
or happy,
over anything else.

I don't want chance.

I don't have asthma
but I can't breathe

I gasp for a breath,
but the air wont enter my chest

This just isn't fair
breathing air that isn't there
when everyone around me is fine
I thought I'd be okay
without you not being mine

But my emotions just stopped,
delayed by time.
But now they come back in a flood
and I can't balance,
standing on perfectly steady ground,
but my head is spinning around

with the thought of you
sitting behind where I stand,
when I need you next to me,
holding me hand.

                    d.s