Deep in the depths of the night
I feel like maybe I can love again
love one who is not you
love one who treats me right.
"I can do this" I think
And I try, and I do.

So I don't say goodnight.

But my eyes get heavy
and words feel sincere
but apparently they aren't,
because daylight is near.

But I can't say goodnight.

When I wake up the next morning
I think about you, and us
and I realize that no matter hard I try
my heart will forever be
wrapped around your finger.

I don't want to say goodbye.

And I can't love anyone,
If I'm not loving you.

But I refuse to say goodbye.

                d.s

but its not right
to tell me lies
and return
after shattered goodbyes.

and its not fair
that you told me
you loved me,
while I lay bare.
and
that you took my pictures
and told me that to you,
I was beautiful.

but
you hide me away
in the hole
that is your life
while I'm still here
     breathing,
alive,
but burned
by the embers of words
that sparked from your lips
they caused the cuts on my hips
and the scars on my flesh

I've lost a pint of blood since you left

Time freezes
lists are forming
deep in this abyss
    of shattered notes
and misinterpreted rhythms
the tones are all wrong
the strings being twisted
    around the wrong octave
forcing you into a cave
    of violent vibrations
with the beat off track
this isn’t how it’s supposed to be
this isn’t how it’s supposed to be
the lyrics are forming
    the wrong rhymes
the songs aren’t being
    sung on time
the individual beauty of sound
has been combined
    into a mess of just noise
being produced
    on the wrong records
being shipped
    to the wrong record stores
when it should be here with me
it should be here with me.

                       d.s

Oh but baby,
     my heart just sunk to my stomach
and darlin',
     I think I'm gonna **** myself.

Honey,
     I've got eleven pills
     in a box beside my bed
And sweetie,
     all I can say is that I hope you
     miss me when I'm dead.

Boo,
     I want you to know
     I love you, I really do,
but babe,
     you should also know that
     this is all because of you.

I have so
much pain
that I could
write out
about how
I lost him.
    But when it
comes down to it.
He may not
be mine anymore,
and that may not
have been my
decision,
but I wasn't
the one to
experience
loss.
I didn't lose him.
    He lost me.


            d.s

I've talked about
metaphorical scars on my heart,
that will never go away.
But I haven't spoken
about the literal ones
that my hips will
    bare forever.

Little notes
of slightly discolored lines
on previously
perfectly toned skin.

They speak to me.

They talk,
    they say things,
they remind me of days
    and weeks and months
and events and times and people
and conversations I've had,
and feelings I've felt,
and moments where
I just thought I couldn't
do anything anymore.


               "scars" pt 2.
                       d.s

There will still be
lingering scars
on my heart
from when he cut
those words into it.

They never quite go away.
All those words,
and letters,
that live on the paper,
also live in reality,
in my head,
my heart.
The only way to destroy them
is if I destroy myself.

But I am destroying myself.

          
            "scars" pt 1.
                    d.s