Light hurts,
sound hurts,
hurt hurts,
and yet I write.
Too much in the brain to quit now,
too much left unsaid.
Words pounding on the door to be let out
but no one or no where to go.
Lost, shut away forever.
Still they beat,
still live to see another day,
still live to hurt me another day.
So much to say so little to say to.
Words, words, words.
Endless, endless, endless.
Spiral never reaching bottom.
Bottomless pit of words.
Words to create nonsensical writing.
Nonsensical writing to be forgotten and destroyed.
Gone, wiped clean.
Blank.

went out tonight
pulled my trash to the curb
the air cool, so fresh
I thought of holding hands and
walked to the middle of the road
I stared up at the sky,
and the stars they shined,
I think, more brightly for you
I felt a bit better knowing
that you live under them too

Silence speaks
if you stop to listen
it tells a story
if you are quiet
in the moments between
the spoken words
made rich with meaning
by what's unsaid
silence tells a story
that words try to hide

confusion delusion
driving myself insane
pondering questions
no one to blame

do this thing or that thing
choose quickly, chose right
it's nothing but nothing
the rest of your life

Feel everything, feel nothing
why no in between
madness bubbles up
now choke down the scream

bravado, confidence
run, flee from me
loathing and hatred
self inflicted wounds

I'm funny, I'm kind
a good and nice guy
and still I hate myself
I hate myself why

I'm always lonely
but never alone
I live in a house
but is it my home

I sit in this room
day after day
hiding from changes
only I can make

Waiting and hoping
chained myself up
locked by illusions
can't set myself free

Where is the jailer
I thought it was me
trapped by delusions
forgotten the key

Afraid of if not
Consumed by what if
Wanting to change
but how to begin

In dreams I kiss you
our lips meet
melting into one
fierce, hungry
ravenous with need
two rhythms joining
a symphony of sensation
flesh melding into bliss
this and more
starts with a kiss

I sit on the floor
sobbing, weeping
against the garbage can
it's right that I end here
Thoughts of an end
thoughts of the end
finality, stopping the noise
my head is an echo chamber
a cacophony assaults me
a sinuous voice winds through
telling me it's right to do this

I sit on the floor
breaking every promise
making lies of my words
driven by shame
she comes and finds me there
the edge to end it in my hand
my incoherent pleas brushed aside
the things I start and never finish
in the moment it seemed so clear
to succeed at last at something, anything

a week has gone and still
my mind travels along that edge
how did I get here when
I had long ago put this aside
in a moment it surged out
surrounding me, from somewhere
deep, deep inside
I feel like that child again
made wrong and ***** in the closet
made bruised and battered by
hands that were to guide me
fleeing from the anger into shame

I find brief moments of peace
a tenuous hold that is so fleeting
I grasp for meaning, for purpose
I look again for hope, to continue
to end this fear of myself
to see myself through eyes untainted
by the loathing and hate that I see
through the eyes that are mine

I want to feel your heat
your body against mine
our lips pressed tight
my fingers in your hair
moaning our need, desire
Run my hands down
marking the edges of you
the curves of your belly
swaying line of your hips
the fullness of your thighs
pressing my lips to your knees
kissing up your thighs
and where they meet
the furnace of our desire
our bodies join we are one