When you fall in love again,
I hope she is nothing like me.
I hope she has her life together.
I hope she knows who she is.
I hope she loves herself, so you can love her, truly.

and if I ever fall in love again
I hope he is just like you.
I hope he is you.
I hope you find your way back to me,
once Ive found myself.

For if it isn't you,
I know I will never love again.

I am writing,
to stop my fingers.

I'm longing to give my words to that man,
the man that kept my heart
when he walked away.

I want to tell him that I still love him
and tell him that I still need him.
But I want to tell him that he matters so much more to me, than anyone else ever has.

including myself.

I want to tell him that my life without him is misery.
but I would rather have my own life miserable, and know that he is happy in his own,
than to share my misery as I did before.

I can't tell him any of these things.
he asks for space I can't provide.
I have to feel proud of myself that its been a week.

a week since my last unanswered message.
my last attempt at begging for what I know I don't deserve.

the over thinking. constant.

he doesn't love me.
if he ever loved me.
he never will again.

and this hope im holding onto
is suffocating me.

Do you know how it feels to wish
you were beautiful, sincerely beautiful?

To feel so broken,

when the person you love....
thought you loved....
knew you loved,
thought you knew

tells you that you can never compare
to the image in her mind of
the woman she wishes she were looking at.

and you stretch yourself
thinking that maybe you can grow and shrink
and add and subtract

but where are the flaws?
how can they all be counted when you look like this?

Feet: too big.
Thighs: Too fat.
Hips: too wide.
Stomach: don't ask.
Chest: flat.
Neck: too long.

Face.....
not enough makeup in the world.

Looking in the mirror,
regrets.

Looking at her....
begging to be everything she wants you to be.

*But I'd rather be me.

I am the proverbial cat.

Curiosity has stuck me in a box,
where I am both alive and dead .

Curiosity about human emotions,
left me scratching at the doors
of this lifeless body.

I am but a soul,
chasing smaller beings
that have no chance.

I am not alive, and dead.
I am not alive, or dead.

I am not a cat.

I am a walking paradox.

"No way!
Okay, Okay, Okay."

She's shouting at her mother,
"I hate you! Go Away!"

"The rain has stopped, the rain has stopped!
Now we can go out and play!"

She's only three, that beautiful girl,
but what next might she say?

With no idea what it is
that causes her emotions to sway.

I understand how it feels to never know
what feelings to portray.

I beg to prove that I am happy
but let a single tear stray.

She begs to prove that she's not tired
but the yawns are there to betray.

"Lets go, Lets go! the rain is gone!
and we're running out of day!"

I love this kid, but that can't be enough.
I wish that I could stay.

Because I loved you
with all of my heart.

I used to sit on your bed,
and play solitaire for hours.

Now I miss you,
when I play.

How fitting.