9/27/06

4:15 PM

i'm a coward in disguise
the best at compromise
and every look you send my way makes it worse.
i'm a dreamer and a cheat
but you're a liar and a thief
and your imaginary innocence is your curse.
you're a heartbreaker; too late
and with every twist of fate
my mindset becomes more and more unkept.
I know there's love in you
i saw it when you first walked in the room
and since then, i've seen it few times yet.
stop trying to hide
keeping that inside
thats the most pointless action on this earth.
but i won't hold my breath
or let myself get too upset
knowing you and how you carefully choose your words.
i just wanted you to know
that i see right through your show
you're my habbit that i'm constantly trying to kick.
so i won't say "i told you so"
when the wind begins to blow
because girl, you're not fooling me a bit.

7/28/08

6:28 PM


my bad luck is broken
with words barely spoken
admittance
and penance
evicting the tenants
who left shattered bottles all over the floor

i knock with a sigh
to give it a try
and listen for the dull note
of an unlocking deadbolt
hoping to god that you'll open the door

silver metal and skin
my favorite flavor of sin
is now on the menu
knowing that when you
invite me in i will stay for a while

with a shrug of my shoulders
you took off the boulders
that were holding me down
so I'll keep you around
and with every new address you reveal a smile

1/5-8/07

4:40 AM



i couldn't sleep if i tried
my pillow still smells like You
there are no more tears left to cry
i can't stop thinking about You
so i'll bury my head
hold my breath
then chicken out too far from death
do You remember--
-our kisses in the rain?
-our keeping ourselves high?
-Your keeping myself sane?
so now i'm thrown
back into routine
pacing my life without Your rhythm
makes me want to scream

You. are. my. air.

without You i can't breathe.

i won't breathe.
i won't sleep.
but i also won't leave.

i hope that hope i hope You have lingers

(do you have to let it linger?)

i have to have it...



i've written books about You.

about the way my head spins when i catch barely a glance of Yours.
about how Your company just...fit. it felt so right.
everything about You always did.
about how nervous i get when i pull up in Your driveway, i always try to look so cool...
about how my stomach went crazy and i threw up when You ended us...

about how i've always felt so unworthy of You.
in my mind, You've always been this...being
incapeable of fault.
You could do no wrong in my eyes.

and You still can't.



my friends would call me
ask me how my day went
i'd tell them all
'i woke up next to Her, so its the best day of my life'

i've have this process
i'm gonna try and help You understand.
in the past year of my life
i've been battling.
life is one big lesson.
my Adrian's have been fighting each other.

sometimes the dark side took over.

those days were long.


I won myself.



but i lost you...



so now i'm using the experience.

i figure, if it happened, then it happened for a reason.
so what am i to learn from this?

well i've learned that the old saying is true,

you don't know what you have, untill its gone.


and now you're gone, and i'm dead without you.



so i'll pound my head into the wall

try to backtrack my thoughts

try to see

where

i

went

wrong.



but, you see, i can't imagine anything.

without. seeing. your. face.

withough seeing your eyes
your shoulders
your legs
your hipbones
your hands
your lips . . . .




*******.



I lied to You.

and i'll never stop hating myself for it.



i couldn't sleep if i tried
my pillow still smells like You
there are no more tears left to cry
i can't stop thinking about You



and i can't stop loving you.

9/28/07

2:45 AM



colors and textures
the rhythm combines.
sifting through spices
that drift in my mind.
what is it to feel?
what is it to taste?
the things i need most
are the stings i escape.
chemical compounds
that seep in the stream
coming together
to be what we mean.
combing through relics
of glories long gone
forging the iron
we settle upon.
next to your trophies
of crystal and glass
i'll steep on my shelf
and stare as you pass.
fueling on embers
as deep as your dark,
the shadow's upon us
like flame from a spark.

10/9/07

3:31 AM


Shifting from motion
conditioned to click

to the gut grinding game of the gears.

Hitting the potion
to make us more sick

our potential for facing
to circling and pacing

shows us
how wound up we are
in our fears.

12/24/07

1:31 am


She sleeps like a female
orgasming
arms up over her head
fists gripping invisible string.

She snores like a feline
a pleasant purr
redundantly peaceful in rythm.

Stirring
she moves slowly
looking disgruntled
by a jostle from my side of the bed.

Open palms like jesus
relaxed and willing
to save my soul.

Beneathe the covers
her legs are a valley
a proud flock of geese in winter
and i am always their leader.

The cotton sheets
covering her steady soles
present two perfect triangles
like the smooth wooden building blocks of yesteryear
or mommy-tailored sandwich halfs.

Stirring again
she props her arms under her calm face
soft and sweet
pulsing and pure.

Her hair, the darkest moss
spry and lively
tangled in ribbons
like christmas bows
just waiting to be unwrapped...

10/20/08

11:42 pm



i've created a cancer
and fought it with chance,
her eyes are much bigger
than the hole in my pants,
and her teeth are much sharper
than i'd like to admit,
but she'll never know,
cause i won't flinch a bit.
her touch is too hot
and her taste is too sweet,
but i'll stay in the kitchen,
cause i like the heat.

7/17/08

5:00 AM



hindsight is 20/20
especially yours
living to fight
fighting to live
**** my brother and call me a *****

but something is still lurking
barely beneath
breathe in the fights
while fighting to breathe
watching is hurting
feeling you smirking
wondering whose scent is now on your sheets

somehow i'm still here
forever i might wait
realizing the lies
in the depths of your eyes
finding the pieces
amongst the diseases
trading in peace
for the most of each drug

unattracting myself
to your perfect bait

unlearning love
and executing hate.

2/27/08

1:09 PM




morning brings familiar things
distance and silence
stubbron compliance
tripping on boundaries
and slipping off rings

mulling it over
chewing like cud
eating away
acidic mud

i walk the line
like crime scene tape
wondering
how much
is too much to take

tangeble tension
in every room
gasping for air
in this musky tomb

treading water like horses
far beneathe the sea
begging and pleading
to make it stop bleeding
i'm finally seeing
the selfishness that is me.

10/5/06

10:35 PM


I've tried to hate you
believe me, I have

I can still smell your hair
I can still feel your hand

this is just what you wanted
i'm the product of what you lack
and this is why you avoid it
but now I want my heart back

now I'm closing my eyes
and picturing you here
still despite all the lies
its myself that I fear
now we're moving too fast
now I'm taking it back
you're a rush to the senses
my favorite heart attack

you don't have an ego
you just know you're the best

******* these handcuffs
I'm in cardiac arrest.

1/22/07

3:33 AM



the practical reasons as to why i am still awake
have all gone away
and left me to fend for myself

so i'll hang out this window
with my dull cigarrette
a puny flicker
in comparison to your eyes
and to this overpowering night sky

and as i stand alone and whisper
to the slowly passing breeze
asking for reasons why
and why not
i'll take the time
to suppose

suppose this all works out
suppose you're everything i need

(how does it feel to know you're everything i need?)

suppose you loved me
suppose you even gave a ****

my mouth tingles
with the newly flavored spark
your taste still on my lips
the lightening jolt
right to my mouth
senses picking up where they left off
remembering your warm skin against mine
and now i'm salivating
at the chance of once again being your lover

as i realize



i just lit up another.

7/21/08

10:47 PM


not sure what to call this
this new lack of air
but when i close my eyes
i can put myself there
back
in your room
lights blinding bright
and with everything so wrong
you're my one thing that's right
so tonight i will snack
on our flirty chatter
and pretend i'm not impressed
when you talk so
matter-
of-factly
to me
about just how you feel
towards every dumb *****
who can't let you heal
old wounds run deep
but they turn into scars
and the further i seep
i feel like we are
just are
for a while
i just want some fun
can't we just get a break?
can't we just make a run
for it
out of town?
out of ***
hit the ground
what i've got
a glance and a hit
a smile and a stitch
in my side
so i'll hide
in your arms for a bit
all i want is what's real
so lets throw out the old
make a new ordeal
and not do what we're told.

12/16/06

1:25 AM




I'm still in your bed
out of breath
with beads of sweat
you put on my forehead

your face on my neck
I'm still not ready to forget
remembering those three words
that I know you said
with all my shyness shed
and the **** going straight to my head
every second spent
another braincell dead

so I'll make another bet
and not help but regret
that I never would let
you
in
and I still won't let you in
because you're my favorite sin
too early to stop
too late to begin.

2/14/07

4:30 PM

you are the song stuck in my head
and the smile on my face.
you are the strings on my guitar
and the belt around my waist.
you are the sparkle in my eyes
and the reason i'm awake.
you are the pressure on my hips
and the drug i shouldn't take.
you are the whisper in my ear
and the laugh that i can't fake.
you are the chill going down my back
and the habbit i can't break.
you are the tan lines on my hands
and my now most favorite place.
you are sweeping through my heart
leaving passion in your wake.

you have become my everything
and you will never be a mistake.

9/4/07

4:18 AM


**** trying to think clearly.
all i can focus on
or even try to vizualize
is of you.
i had no idea
what meeting up with
the likes of you
would do.
with your linguistical spouts
and adorable rants
that eagerly coax unfamiliar sweat
from my palms.
and the metal in your mouth
clicking against my own
gets me higher than any slap in the face from Jezebel.
i don't want to ruin
this---
feeling.
this
aura,
that pulses from the very mention of you
by trying to explain it too much.
i want to keep it untame and rabid
surprising me like a midnight fox
bearing its teeth before curling up in my lap.
for even now
i fear,
i have begun to do just that
as i always do.
so i'll conclude
this mere doodle of you,
my newest muse,
with three pirate tokens,
a kiss on the shoulder,
and waaaay too much *****.