That night
So long ago
I was so young
They were so old

Moon out
Stars out
Alcohol in hand
Quickly falling down our throats
Blunt in hand
Press softly against lips
Mist of only short happiness

That night
So long go
I was so young
They were so old

Moon out
Stars out
Per-pressure falling against me
I shake my head
Say no
Voices surround me
Say yes

That night
So long ago
I was so young
They were so old

Moon out
Stars out
Foot against gas petal
Hand on steering wheel
Giggling and laughing
then....
Darkness

That night
So long ago
I was so young
They were so old

Moon out
Stars out
The car is crashed
I'm being shoved out of the car
Fingers pointing
Telling me to run
My hands shake
I shed tears
Everyone in the car is alright

but what about outside the car?

Everything's black
Then it's morning
I'm still a 12 year old girl
Who looks ALOT older
Trying to be cool
Hangout with the college kids
**** it!
We all know I'm a ***** up.

JD I love you.
***** to say you were the strong one.
The one taking the blame for someone else's doing.
We all know I'm a **** up.
Don't lie and cover it up.
I'm 17 now.
It's about time I take responsibility for my actions.
*but not this one... Not yet... Maybe not ever

I lost my virginity in a church parking lot. I took holy sanction for an act that was unclean because it was with someone I did not love. In fact I barely knew him.

I lost my virginity in a church parking lot, and I should have known then that was the beginning of a walk in the shadows, away from salvation.

Its been years since I've walked through church doors, except for the occasional funeral. I never talk to God unless my heart is swelling with pain.

Its been years since I have been the person I should be, my high school experience being filled with days being too intoxicated to function, pills and a hospital visit, wounds made by my own hand and too much self hatred for one person to stand.

I lost my virginity in a church parking lot, but its been years since I've walked through church doors.

I have loved to be alone  
My whole life.

Closed doors, phone on silent.
I have never known

Loneliness.

This is no longer an open diary to you, but it will still be composed purely of "I love you"'s and "I miss you"'s.

I buried your goodbye letter in my pillow and I will sleep over it like a tombstone because I am not ready to feel away from you yet.

I am going to lay here and wait for you to come demanding that its not over, but you won't.

So I will no longer count down the days till I get to see you. But pray for the day to come that I am not surrounded by constant reminders of you.

..I always lose things in my bed sheets, and somehow you disappeared too, and now I am afraid to fall asleep.
What if you hold me in my dreams and I wake up and you are nowhere to be found?