underneath the mossy trees
hide your insecurities
I promise that you're perfect
and I can be your fantasy
listing to destiny's
I say your name so perfect
You tell me that you love me
and you don't need nobody
so just meet me at the lake
underneath the mossy trees
hide your insecurities
and let me listen to you sing

Each day I'm going to wake up in the arms of a pillow pet instead of you
Reliving those last moments together
I almost died on my way home that night
I'm was so afraid to lose the star that guided me through the night
Each day I'm going to wake up in the arms of a pillow pet instead of you
Reliving each time you were in my arms saying you loved me
We never thought we could live without each other
I should have died that night
Each day I'm going to wake up in the arms of a pillow pet
Wishing I could go back to that summer night
When we first met
I should have kissed you then
I was so alive that night
Each day I'm going to wake up in the arms of a pillow pet
With a cold sweat from the dreams I have of you staring at me like you're lost again
But this time I can't find you
And this time I can't save you
Each day I'm going to go to bed with a pillow pet in my arms saying all the things I wish I could have said when I had the chance to say them, like
I love you more than I've ever loved myself
I love you more than Ive ever loved myself
I love you more than I've ever loved myself
Each day I'm going to go to bed with a pillow pet in my arms being squeezed to death, baby girl, I will never let this go
Because I promised I would never let you down
And here we are ten months later and I've left you to drown
If only I could save you and just dive back in the water
My friends keep pushing me off the diving board to rescue you
I don't need a float because your love was weightless like a delicate feather floating in the air
What a beautiful presence you brought upon our eyes
I'm afraid that if I dive in the water to save you
Giving you my breath to breathe again
Then you'd wake up and realize that I was the one to make you drown in the first place
And you'd return my breath and tell me
That I saved you once but I can't save you twice
Now your eyes are red
And so are mine
Each lifetime I will go to bed with a pillow pet in my arms instead of you
Drowning in an ocean of guilt
with no one to save me
Such an ironic way to pass
Only a coward could stay alive and try to swim to shore
I will live my life at the bottom of the sea
hoping that maybe someday in another lifetime, you'd come to find me

This isn't a journal entry.

It's been raining for a week, momma.
I know my girls cold and she just wants to sleep, momma.
But right now I don't think she wants to speak to me, momma.
I must have done a terrible deed, but momma these days I barely get any sleep.
Everyone always needs me so I can't get any time to just breathe.
I know it's hard to stay afloat when the ship is about to sink, ---
Boys ain't supposed to cry, momma.
But it's to hard to not get teary eyed, momma.
When everyone around you can barely stay alive, momma.
I've got friends on the brink of suicide, momma.
They want to sleep to, but momma they never want to wake up.
I still get emotional when anybody brings James up.
I still get emotional when people tell me I'm too little, cause momma how am I gonna protect my family if I'm too little.
Only I know that size never matters in a fist fight, momma.
And I hope my brothers got my back when I get tried, momma.
And I never want to find my boy on a riverside, momma.
I know how he feels, he don't want to be alive--
There's so many problems my boys are facing, momma.
I just pray that they're all okay, momma.
I gotta stay strong to keep they heads up, momma.
I barely have the energy to keep my head up, momma.
I feel like I fail everybody, momma.
It's been a long time since I've cried, momma.
But I shed tears bout it every night, momma.
But you told me boy should never cry, momma.
That's why I kept the tears inside, momma.
All I ever wanted was to make you proud, momma.
All I ever wanted was to make you proud, momma.

I have lost the fire that I had for writing again
the last time this happened I was heartbroken
two years later and my life is the best its been since I can remember
the sad thing is, I can’t remember much
everything I can remember sends me to a dark place
the kind of place that people like me aren’t afraid to venture in
the kind of place that regular people have nightmares about
where do writers go to find their muse?
what do writers do to find their muse?
I assume they go back to these dark places
where they were heartbroken by the love of their life
where they’re families made fools of them
where they’re friends turned out to be enemies
where their dreams were shattered
we all just want to express ourselves
I just want to impress myself
I have lost the fire that I had for photography again
still I pick up my camera to capture moments that are dull
still making every moment seem beautiful
I usually dislike awkward smiles from people
so I tell them no to smile
I have realized that some people don’t know how not to smile
at the end of the shoot I review the photos and I’m not impressed
I stare at the photos and I try to find a meaning
I never liked portrait photography anyway
I have lost the fire that I had for love
too many let downs and stand ups
yet when I open my eyes and yours are still closed
I’ll kiss your cheek and whisper things I’m afraid to admit
I’ve been loved before but I’ve never…
had someone ignite a fire in my eyes
every time she touches me with her lips
and when my head rests on her chest
I find that love does exist
and my muse seems to be nights like this

my father once told me
I am my mothers pawn
I never understood the game of chess
but I’ve always known the pawn
the first line of defense
easily defeated
sacrificed for the safety of the King and Queen
my father once told me
I am my mothers pawn
I stayed as far away as possible from pawn shops
never knowing my worth
such damaged goods
usually its relationships that make people insecure
for myself
it was growing up trying to figure out
if I am really my mothers pawn
what is my worth in the trade?

If this is what it feels like to be happy
then previous experiences have misled me
no woman had ever loved me before
the urban dictionary will tell you every meaning of love
the romance section of moviestop will show you all the places to find love
the most common place to feel love is the tongue of your lover or the tips of their fingers
If this is what it feels like to be loved
I wonder why it took so long to find me