the most honest i've ever been was with the boy
who lied to everybody else but me; i told him that
i didn't know why i trusted him but i didn't mind if he
never wanted to let go of my hand, that as long as he held on
i'd keep on talking, that all i wanted to be was an
astronaut so i could write first hand-accounts
of the stars, that i imagined creating a new name for myself
every time i woke up so that i wouldn't have to live with my
past, that i didn't know the difference between love and
fear or if there was even a difference at all

in return, he told me a truth that only he believed in
(you're perfect, i swear it)

from then on, i choked on every truth i tried to say, so i ran away
and that night i whispered to the dark over and over again
to convince myself i'd be ready the next time somebody dared me to say it
(i'mscared, i'mscared, i'mscared, i'msorry, iloveyou, i'mscared)

during summer, we avoided the ocean
because it reminded us how
small we really are, and instead of singing
lullabies to drift away in waves of sleep,
we sang all night long to stay awake
for fear that if we let ourselves go, we'd have nothing
left to rise for by morning

(i never closed my eyes, but i had one
hell of a dream)

You are my most violent Red
and I am your moodiest Gray.
We could paint the kitchen with my gloom,
smear your rage around each and every room
but who really has the time to remodel anyway?

I feel the caress of my own fingers
on my own neck as I place my collar
and think pityingly
of the kind women I have known.

I sold my soul
to a devil in a dream
and then I woke up
sweat beaded on my flesh, which
had contracted
and my pores became
unreadable braille
I can feel
the sweat jogging steadily
down every crevice
of my disgusting body
and then I woke up
in a jail cell
having my ****** resized
and wished
I could return
to my dream state
and then I woke up
living on a street corner
with an empty can in front of me
without the use
of my legs
they were gone
but they felt like pins
and needles
and then I woke up
in my bed at home
stumbled sleepily
to the bathroom to take a ****
then back to a dreamless sleep