he is there by my side

not living but fully alive

seeing what i see

feeling what i feel

manipulating my fears and making them real

i fight the temptation

but resistance is futile

i am over come by the sweet words he whispers in my ears

he is me, and i am him

i fight the one who dwells within

deep inside of everything im not

the part of me that everyone forgot

or plainly overlooked

he turned my longings into addictions

and now im hooked

i am tired of his twisted intentions

he takes over my world and forces me into another dimension

turning my longings into obsessions

but he will not have the last laugh

he is me, and i am him...

i've had enough

let the battle begin

it's the things you don't say that hurt me the most

not knowing tears me apart

the silence is disturbed by the beating of my heart

which races with each passing moment that you keep your lips sealed

it drives me crazy and it makes me question

what did i do wrong?

but no answer is found

all that is left is a fake smile to fool the world

when in reality I am not okay..

i don't know what I'm trying to say

i really wish it didn't have to be this way...

I can see the pain in your eyes.

The hurt I caused.

Unintentionally.

Still I can't do a thing to fix it.

I stay motionless.

Waiting for you to make the next move.

Still we stand motionless.

Frozen in time.

Your eyes filled with tears now.

Each drop becomes a word spoken through my foolish lips moments before.

The echo from my selfish monologue becomes too great to ignore.

A screeching that invades my ear drums and beats them to no specific tune.

Finally your lips crack and your emotions explode and consume me, as a ship would be mid-monsoon.

She broke me.

And I broke you.

Unintentionally.

Now we are both in pieces.

Just as mine have, your nights will become sleepless.

Your days will be reduced to a meaningless drone.

Your heart will become as hard and cold as a stone.

All because of me.

I caused this...

Unintentionally.

dry cry..

muted scream..

faded pictures of memories..

memories of the days when we were young

when we all got along

where nothing ever seemed to go wrong

where have those days gone?

why have they decided to hide from us?

i would give it all up just so i could go back to them

before this pathetic excuse for a life ends

and i forget what it is like to trully be happy

because lately i have not seen happiness

just anger sadness and stress

why have they decided to hide from us?

it is like a twisted game of hide and go seek

but everyone stopped playing before they found me

sit and wait..

It's like my life is stuck in slow motion.

An iceberg floating in the ocean.

With no real sense of direction.

Cruisin' by without detection.

Without purpose.

A taxi is just a car when it's not in service.

Worthless...

Depending on how you view it.

Living is a privilege, depending on how you do it.

So what's it mean?

Being that my life is in yellow while the rest of the world seems to be in green?

Green as in go.

Yellow as in slow.

Eventually we all hit red though.

And everything comes to halt.

Suddenly life flashes before your eyes.

Memories storm our minds.

Then we think back, about those who we have left behind.

And vice-versa.

But its too late for any reconciliation.

Now death is the sole recipient for any form of anticipation.

So we are left to question..

Where is my next destination?

A paradise in the sky, or an eternity of damnation?

That's assuming there is life after death.

Honestly, I don't know if there is.

I don't know if I want to know.

What I know is that there is a red light down the road.

But then again..

I don't need a light to tell me when to stop, slow, or go.

I can hear them.

Standing outside my door.

Waiting for me to sleep.

Waiting for the moment to invade my dreams.

To fill my sub-conscious with images of pure terror.

They move ever so silently, without sound, without error.

3am and I lay awake.

The silence is broken with every breath I take.

The Nightmare Men are scratching at my door.

Waiting for their chance to torment me some more.

My eyes are so heavy now..

But within sleep lies the root of my insanity.

The nightmare realm is no place for me.

Still every night they make it my destination.

Giving me no reason.

No explanation.

They use my dreams as a lab for their twisted experiments.

And once they are through they toss me back to reality.

Back to mortality.

In this world they take my life and I'm dead.

In their world they **** me not once but over and over again.

Sadistic torture without end.

They are here for me..

The Nightmare Men.

A crazy world that we are living in.
Still we walk around, indifferent.
Trying to spread change.
To make a difference.

A world so beautiful.
But ugly at the core.
Ugly because of our wants-
Our need for more.
We live with the notion that death waits behind closed doors.

A crazy world that we are living in.
Shaped by bold lies, and ran by puppeteers in tacky ties.
Still we walk around, indifferent.
Like we are content with these current conditions.
Thinking that being a mindless drone is sufficient.
But it's not true.
That ****'s fictitious.
Peace and Harmony should be on the top of our wish list.

Above fancy cars.
Above frosty chains.
Above a fan base who don't know you,
For you.
Above a leave it to them attitude.
This world is our mother.
We need to start showing gratitude.
Tsunamis, Earthquakes, Monsoons.
That's just Mother Earth giving us attitude.

A crazy world that we are living in.
We need to open our eyes and hearts and not pretend,
That our actions will not impact her in the end.
Because no one escapes death.

Focus on your health.
Don't worry about the wealth.
Stand in front of a mirror and take a good hard look at your self.
Stop spreading negativity,
And spread the help.
Our days our numbered.
We are just another notch in the worlds belt.

Oh, what a crazy world that we are living in.

the title says it all

it describes who i am

i had my hand on the trigger and i couldn't pull it

symbolically speaking that is

you were there..

i was there..

timing couldnt have been more perfect

but in between all of that i had to think and ask my self..

am i worth it?

..because i knew that you were and are

and will always be

but i still have no idea what you think of me

a friend?

or just Crystian?

Crystian is who i really am..

but im also really your friend..

but i really want to be so much more..

but you'll never know

because im simply pathetic

and when im old i'll look back and regret it

not this feeling

but the fact that i cant confess it

Inhale.

Exhale.

Smoke escapes through my teeth and circles my head as my mind prepares for the trip that awaits.

A pair of dark sunglasses act as a safety blanket, setting my nerves at ease.

And an involuntary smile invades my face.

I tilt my head back on the headrest as if it were its rightful place.

Still I know that this feeling is nothing but fabricated happiness.

These ashes and this roach serve as evidence.

But I don't care.

The troubles of the world are set to pause.

The music is set to play.

Each note ripples through my ears, drowning out the sounds of the city.

This is my escape.

For a while you acted as the only substance that could fill this void in my chest.

You were all I needed to be whole.

To be complete.

You gave me purpose.

Gave me some value when I felt worthless.

It's safe to say you were my better half.

Yet you made me weak.

Made me open my eyes and finally see.

That alone I am nothing.

Just a boy with a void that needs to consume something.

A hunger so immense that resisting would only result in the implosion of the broken man I have become.

You are the only one that could satisfy the hunger I have, to become complete.

You are that missing piece.

I am a vault.

You are the key.

You're all I want.

You're all I need.

My heart is starved.

It needs to feed.

Needs you to continue to beat.

But you wont see me on my knees.

Beggin' you..?

Please.

You helped me find myself.

Helped me realize who I am.

That I am strong and in reality I don't need you to stand.

I can make it on my own.

I can do it all alone.

Losing you was possibly the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I cant really explain the feeling.

But its like when we are together our heart beats intertwine and create one sound.

One melody.

A song so beautiful that i'd almost dare say matches yours.

But that wouldnt be an accurate statement because the beauty you posses is of the highest magnitudes.

When im with you, you take me to the highest of altitudes.

And gently you bring me back down.

You keep my head in the clouds but at the same time my feet planted on the ground.

It's as if you are my exclusive gardener and i am your garden because your aura  gives life to every inch of my existence.

Without you I'd surely dry up.

Without you I'd surely fade away.

Like a Scribbler on a hot summer day.

i asked her to lie to me..

so she told me she loved me

with a blank face

..expresionless

emotionless..

straight from the heart

and it broke mine into a million pieces

left for me to pick up

and piece back together

but this distorted heart is nothing like the original

although it beats the same

the sound it makes reminds me of your name

a sound that kept me alive for this long

but now its gone..

you took me higher, faster than any other

but you brought me crashing down just as fast

all those "i love you's" are a thing of the past

wish i would have listened when they warned me

but i was blinded by "love"

which did nothing but harm me

i'm walking forward and never looking back

all those "i love you's" are a thing of the past

they should have used a different expression

"broken heart" doens't even come close to the actual pain

i think ill give it another name

something to explain it flawlessly

something that describes the deception

along with its hidden objective

which is to break a person down with out mercy

but nothing comes to mind

I was sitting on the side walk when all of a sudden, inspiration hit me like a ton of bricks.
now the pen in my right hand has the power to bring life to the words unspoken by Mother Earths two lips.

And her words send my mind through a voyage in the sea but it seems that I forgot my floaties. But that's okay, because this sea is made up of 10% hope and 40% mercy. The other 50% is not meant for mortal eyes to see. Because even if you saw you wouldn't believe. That what you put in is what you receive.

My intentions aren't meant to deceive, no.  They are to set your mind at ease. So Please! DON"T TEASE YOUR GIFT! LET IT RISE AND SPREAD ITS WINGS! LET IT SURFACE TASTE AIR AND BREATHE!

Because I'm breathing in toxic fumes. I'm taking in your aroma like a cosmic perfume. Don't be quick to judge, because I'm never what they assume. I drown out my insecurities not giving them any room to surface. I am overly aware, I see things that you don't notice, and know this. I hear words spoke through mute lips. They fill my ears like q-tips and the say things like "NO, please! Don't do this!" "There's gotta be another way!" "Ever since you started messing with that ****, you ain't ever been the same!"

They look at me like I'm insane. When in reality I'm more in-tuned with my brain because I know my life is short so I will never take it in vain. And through my veins flows blood in the form of memories. Like crimson tides in a blood red sea. But as I said before, I forgot my floaties..

Sink or Swim?

the clock moves so slowly today, not sure why.

not sure what brought on this sudden fascination with time.

the room's so silent, so much that you can hear the drop of a dime or a ripple in the water caused by a sip of wine fresh off the vine.

sounds, scents and scenery all flood my psyche.

over loaded sensory.

but even with this over load of information there still lies the mystery of the history of your misery.

but no answers come to me, so i wait and see.

patiently.

But patience is not my strong point.

this lesson i learned long ago.

and the thought of me making progress gives me the hope that i need to proceed in this life that i lead.

these words act as a straight edge and keep my thoughts in perfect symmetry.

but even with my mind in straight lines i cant help but let it flow like cosmic tides in a extra terrestrial paradise.

her name.

her face.

her presence..

all cling to my mind like a parasite and milk me dry.

leaving me with no energy to fight this feeling.

my heart may be broken...but its still beating.

it's days like these when i want to give up

sleep forever and dream of a better place

an eternal rest, undisturbed..

my eyes shut

not a quiver not a stir

a beautiful escape from this ugly world

a slumber six feet under

but i wonder..

will I dream beautiful things?

or be forced to silently scream

in agony and pain reflecting this life i lived?

...Lived.

i say it as if i already died..

wishful thinking?

Open the gates to my subconscious..

gaze at my deepest darkest secrets in awe

you will see horrors and wonders that will drop your jaw..

make you open your eyes to all that i am

and all that I'm not

a one hit wonder

like a head shot

with bullets loaded with truth

stand back and watch the darkness ooze..

ooze like a never ending river filled with all our childhood fantasies

and breaks off into a pitiful stream that is all of our realities

and dries up into nothing..

nothing is what is waiting for all of us at the end our journey

i promise

look into my heart and learn that i am honest

take a glimpse of all that i have loved

love..

and will love

take a look at who i am in the inside

maybe that way you can tell me who i am

because i have no idea..

okay, so i lied..

my heart never actually "died"

no..

its still here

and beating from what i can hear

its heavy

not with guilt

not with regret

not with anything that we will ever forget..

what's my point?

I'm not sure

just killing time with a random selection of words

though time is immortal

so in my attempts at murdering something that will not die

I'm only wasting mine

time that is...

tick-tock...

you have always been around

and you will never let me down..

never betray me

and you make me want to sing when i don't even want to say a word

im lucky to say that you will always be in my life

always with me till the day i die

i will take you with me to the afterlife

where you will keep me company for eternity

music...your the only one for me

You can find me hiding in plain sight.

A master of disguise shifting shapes at the blink of an eye.

Speaking nothing but beautiful lies.

Designed to fill your mind with ease.

Taking all that you know and breaking it down to microscopic shards too small to piece into anything that holds the slightest bit of significance.

It's not easy living life through the eyes of a sad, confused, lonely, angry, self distorting guy.

But still I try.

Try to fit into a place where I don't want to be.

I stare at my reflection and I know that it's not me that I see.

Just a character designed to people please.

Leaving me unhappy.

its was perfect..

more than i could have asked for

nothing i will ever regret..

nothing i will ever forget..

and i was too afraid to sleep

too afraid to wake up and find out that it was all a dream

but the next day i awoke and realized it was in fact reality

so i stored that night

that moment

along with all my fondest memories

though it will not stop beating

place a rag over the puncture

though it wont stop bleeding

black out my eyes

though they wont stop seeing

cover your ears

though you wont stop listening

attempt to yell until you have nothing left to say

though not a single sound will come out

now forget all that i have ever said

and this time laugh it off instead...

its been a while since we talked last, what a shame.

you dont realize what id give to go back to those days, to those ways that never failed to put a smile on my face.

so its safe to say that i miss you along with all those little things you do.

we rushed this...

we never thought it through.

and now we ARE through.

...i remember the day you told me you loved me.

tears filled your eyes and the question "why?" flowed from your lips like butterflies and became the entire focus of my mind.


but for that simple 3 letter question i could find no answer.

instinctively i wrapped my arms around you and told you that i'd never let go.

but it seems that the weight of your distrust became too much for me to hold.

and i pleaded for you not to believe those lies that you've been told.

still you didn't listen. and now you became that last piece of me that i am missing.

and these words will go unread because they will go unspoken.

they say you cant fix whats not broken.

but in my case you cant break what already is.

left in the dark

..my heart in my hand

it was a gift for you and you didn't accept it

you never thought twice before you rejected

it..

and me..

and the things that were there and you didn't see

or simply ignored

I'm left in the dark with a sense of confusion

i can't believe i fell for your twisted illusion

and now you try to make up for it with sweet words

that break me down..and nothing more

you asked me to write this and i didn't want to

because i didn't want to say the things that i knew i had to

it was a must

and im sorry if this hurt..

but now that makes two of us..