living is so expensive.
moms working two jobs and
dads doing overtime weekly now and
i little myself too much
already knowing of my parents expenses,
i don’t think about things that i may want,
knowing we probably can’t afford it.
Like why go online shopping and let the items sit in your cart
knowing well you aren’t in the position to purchase anything
and when you stumble upon it it’s saddening to an extent.
“borderline depressing”
mom says.
“that’s just how life is”
dad says as he pours a *** of hot water
into my sisters lukewarm bath.

heartache and debt
the cost of living.

love is such a distraction
leaves you dizzy
unexpectedly you fell victim
like a child becoming drunk
after consuming
sun-beaten grapes
something we crave and
hate at once
sickening we can’t look at a
garden and not think of their beauty
outweighing that of the mere
botany
not being able to look into a reflection
without seeing their smile
the blurring of the façade you
try to uphold
stripping you vulnerable
and needing reciprocation-
to a cycle of broken lovers
could haves
should haves
would haves
the waves will still crash
the rocks will still erode
the wind will still blow
and you’ll never get
that time back

scrubbing grime from the
shower walls
with only a cup of water in my body
i wished to endure my fast,
witholding ingestion to
spite my face
feeling dizzy
i reluctantly accept the gentle
beams of sun that hug
my neck
and caress my shoulders
reminding me i hate it here
and
i miss that hole i used to be able to call
my escape
that hole that i met each of my friends
and got to know them better
build memories that would
be forgotten once everybody moved away
just wanted it to last a little longer.

it was just a simple question

which led things back to how
it used to be

tense conversations
poker faces and
unreasonable conclusions

immediately after you want to sleep with me?

*** ok.

before i used to be quiet and i’d let you walk all over me
never voicing my opinion in fear of getting
beaten.
but things changed
and you’re not used it
you’re not used to me voicing my thoughts and
since it’s what you don’t
want
to hear..

we’re back to square one..


basically just
leave me @#$& alone

i have 3 helpings of pollo guisada
the fat girl in me was still salivating from the saborrr
its soo good, gracias bamba thank you
she smiles at me
watching me take each bite to notice if i
somehow crunch on a bone and make a face to then
tell all the family in puerto rico that i
was disgusted at her food.
she takes a seat,
ghloe, why ju so skeeny mama
ju no eat en school ?
i look from my placemat with a water stain and to her,
i smirk
of coursee, it just disappears to i dont know where
she walks off back to the kitchen to start preparing tupperwares of her leftovers for my dads lunch breaks for the week
i went on my health app and logged my progress-
still nothing,
i thought about my inability to gain
ran up to my room and started to write.

i opened the door of the bathroom
because of all the steam that was fogging the glass.
took a towel and dried up,
curls were dripping on the hardwood floor
left to be soaked by some warm socks in an
hour or two..

parents went out
siblings went out..
what to do what to
doo..
i texted you
lathered myself in jojoba oil
and asked if you want to come over
and play for a little

and you said
k.

i saw you the other day
but i miss you already,
I told you i was gonna write about it
and look i did.
I told you i was gonna be
sad the next day because something’ll come up
and look it did.

it always does.

i sit by the shade
as we watch the sun dip
into foreign waters,
i glance in your
molasses-coated eyes
your fruit is sweet
to the taste
your touch leaves me satisfied
yearning for more
like freshwater springs in a desert
unreal- like a far fetched dream
i trace your gentle arm and
feel your heartbeat
pumping
rushing
knowing you feel what i
feel
and now what we do
is up
to you..

i fell for someone who couldn’t commit.

It’s funny how after we decide we don’t like someone, we can find reasons to support our decisions and equally the other way around. That’s what I think was happening I got further in, I had already decided I liked nay loved her and progressively began gathering and threading together a daisy chain of little observations and nuances that tied her tenderly to me.

i’m gonna force myself
to write something
beautiful for your eye holes
and that ****** muscle
in between your lungs that
feels
a little too much

3 times meeting in person
a homeschooled kid
fell in love with me within
2 months of meeting me
all that alone time to fall in love with
1 version of me
tall blonde boy w a tinge of spanish roots
the coquí
that sung too much y me cansé

love it when you call me baby
reminding me
of the time before you fell out
of love for me

where the ink dried
the spot where you couldn’t squirm between that rock and a hard place
the yellow tape and hazmat suits
and the church bells that rang and laughed at you while you stood outside
and thought about him getting married to
the one that was never going to be you

but that was only after

all the calls
and the dinners and
the slow dances in the living room
and the strolls around the park
but then came the doubts
and the arguing and the
deep seated resentment that became apparent

and it was like
she never really knew him
only a silhouette of what he used to be
should have been..

i take verses from song
of solomon so as to feel
what’s it’s like to be loved
like the shullamite girl
i wrap the verses of isaiah
‘round the rings of my simple fingers
so as not to forget all that is promised
i grasp the verses of revelation
in an unshakable fist
so as not to fear what is to come

/

the chain
is as strong as its weakest link
harmartia
you have oxidized the chains
that had guarded my
mind and heart
you weakened and exposed
the harmartia in me
leaving me ashamed
unforgivable and
unloveable

jeans ripped
holes bigger than the gaps we’ve taken from each other
space and galaxies and i only treasured you
a mere star
never visible in the city
for its luminescence outdoes your
shine but i always saw your
light..

love
you’re straying and
i’m not one to beg for your skewed light either

my mother admits that
my birth
followed by my siblings
hindered her growth
as an individual
as if we could've
kept ourselves
from leaving the womb
just a little longer
and now
she is stuck
learning about herself through
trial and error
mishap and reconstruction
of person
tearing herself down to
build us up and
she admits that her life
would not be bound
to the crumbling walls of this life
this current one
had she listened to the adults around
her had she chose
him
over my father

Eventually
he came across a potential alternate source
of light.
Only to see himself falling for the same thing over again.
Into a deeper pit of darkness still in search for light once again.
He then knew after some time
that he would settle for black

he became desensitized to the pain.

long for me..
examine me..
reward me with your touch.

i’ve been such a
good girl..

a cartoon character
stepped fresh out of a
box tv
everywhere and nowhere at once
tall and arrogant as most adolescents
may be
except to him he’s
timeless
roots me back to
childhood memories i
wish i could remember
wanting to be held
never saying so
the barrier of not being articulate
just feeling
feelings
drawing on everything
but paper

acne-riddled
bushy-browed preteen
with more hormones than head
writing in the hallways
the smell of premature couples and drama
lingered like a heavy blanket from the ceiling so she was a wallflower
writing about the broken friendship bonds that are soon to come..

to the very last fibers
of love
they were holding on to for dear life
fearing the
death of a coveted bond
broken
amongst their once joyous feet
inseparable
they were once described

but it seemed they now could never get
enough of it.


what keeps you holding on..

by each day
i grow more and more
envious of every glass and
mirror that gets to smile back at you..
while i can’t seem to muster up the courage
to do the same..

grungy teenage trigueña with
slits in her brows
new york city sewers
were cleaner than
her speech
she carried herself like
she’s the only one who exists
i complimented her before she stepped into her train
her curls bounced as she walked out of my life

i distracted myself with different boys,
i dont know how to put it exactly but let me put it like this,
“he” created the **** in my chest
and i didn’t know what to do-
he was my first.

i cried,
had butter pecan ice cream,
did my nails,
watched UP three times.
yknow trying to heal it but
self love wasn’t cutting it.

so i created a mask for myself,
lookin identical but within almost cynical.
to heal how i felt,
i was going to make those males fall in love with me-
and then hold their hearts in front of them and
torture them meticulously,
all without them realizing it too.
the look on their faces as they tried to figure what was wrong with them
why i didn’t stay.
priceless.
the satisfaction was beyond belief.
but it wasn’t my own satisfaction,
it was because of the mask that i put on-
it wasn’t me i swear it!
i threw it away after reaching this point of realization

i finally settled for someone who treated me the same,
but stayed..
i know this game awfully well and
i don’t have a lot of time left

when i dice
warm-tendered skin
like a blade to
mango exposing sweet flesh
and glide cut glass
on pulsing veins
i feel present again-
brought back to earth by fire
take a long crunch and the juice
seems to drip and stream
off the side of my mouth
i stay needing more
never reaching contentment
feeling it stiffen and stick on my elbows
like icee syrup
a lightening bolt of heat
that runs through the sutures
of the back of my skull
i let out a deep sigh
needing to continue
needing to go deeper
go farther
release and resort to a pile
of used ribbons
loose and maleable
and limp
like my visions of you

i’m an odd one
you’ve made me clingy
i hear you respirate over the phone
when the moon gets cold and
covers herself up with black sky
slowly in and out it would trail
like the first astronauts steps on the moon

making strides with such ease
knowing that he’d stay up there if he could..
you go silent as if you hear my thoughts

you’ve made me obsessive
and i mourn people that aren’t dead
and i have health issues that i never bring up to the doctor when she asks
i hesitate when she asks to examine me
but the feeling seems to vanish when you come around

i don’t shave my legs and underarms in the winter
because they’re like built in body scarves
yes my puerto rican genes have made it feel so

i think about people who don’t want me too much
but who doesn’t
no one is wanted as much as they’re told.

and the world is
corrupt
and putrid and behind every corner
is a person plotting another’s demise
and i look up only to see swinging brown bodies
from the branches
dancing to the whistles of the wind
and the whites
seeing their downfall
from above their heads
the whites
afraid of the color they don’t know
the winds
up-taking their beings without permission
they nod as if they’ve done a noble deed
and i collapse from beneath the oak
from the stench of rotting flesh
and fallen hopes..

it’s crazy how some people sacrifice themselves to a world that
doesn’t love them back

i don't
regret a
thing

unraveling the powdery ball
from being encased in plastic
sinvergüenza!
you left the price on it to
prove how much you do for me
i watched the bath bomb
that you bought me months ago
still fizz after i put it to soak
after months of being disregarded
and saved for the perfect,
most overwhelming time,
it still had it's touch
the passing months
we broke down
in lukewarm waters
traced our love with chalky fingers
and the memories didn't matter anymore
essential oils fill the air of my bathroom
and the stress releases and i become pure again
it was so beautiful and
i must thank you
for what you left of me

i swore i had a dream where i walked into the bathroom
eyes barely open..
drowsily with each step i stumbled around the floor which looked more and more blurry with every passing minute..
i was in a room with unrecognizable faces
i kept hearing snickering and and little whispers that just weren’t audible..

i turned on both faucets to the highest pressure
splashed my face
turned on the light
looked at the wall and screamed

”which one of you think you can control me, huh?!”

i looked down at my feet
felt my heart racing
felt the sweat beading on my flushed face
and realized i was yelling at

the mirror..

save me.

this life
is a feeling
a speck in time
we follow generation
after generation
seeking something more than what really is
we mend broken pasts and
make broken futures
never quite finding that ray of
perfection
this life we sit in trains and
look at the graffiti on the walls
wondering if this is all that
this life stores for our next generations
while lights
flash in and out
and we travel underground
like worms in earth’s dirt
we are uninvited guests
in this life
land taken by foreigners in exchange for
trauma that will never fade
we claim land though
not being able to create in the first place
diffusion of races like
dried rice and seasonings
mixing colliding and supposedly thriving
from the ground up
this life
leaves us no joy
but robs us of certain happiness and we
are taught that
in this life
only the successful will make it
only the corrupt will make it

i was your rations
sent from heaven to sustain you.

but you wanted more
and didn’t care for the simple things
and you chose to disregard
that i gave you life

there day by day
just enough

forgetting that all i was
was
milk and honey
and when you eventually got tired

that sweet stuff
that just enough-
the old me
was left
rotting
turning to worms




maybe it was meant to be

shes slowly dying inside, and
no one can tell
She wants to
run.
from the daily affairs
that choke her
of her
sanity
Its always do this,
but dont do it now
not yet
and dont take too long with it
and make sure you do this
when you say that
because imagine what everyonell
think of you if you did say or do that
Its too much to process/handle
when do you have time to
sleep?
to eat?
to recreate?
theres no purpose to keep
going..to keep my strained pulse beating..
She wants to run to the
farthest point on the Earth
possibly off..
but why she feels this way nobody knows
"its just the turbulent teenage years"
they said
so she did run
and nobody
noticed...
She started to fade away every weekend
when she was under the **** moon
no one could hold her down
when she felt like flying
like
soaring..
until she had enough

and smoothly descended back to

her ground

a show for the masses
you entertain and
appeal to many
your facade is undetectable
so no one knows who you really are
you claim you dont need nobody
and
i
in the background can not help
but notice
you did not blend your mask right
only acting like you were healed,
did you break..?

i packed my things
i had enough
it was pouring outside with a dreary overhead of clouds
the angels telling me

it’s not too late to turn back..

i had no umbrella
nevertheless
i took the bus that i got to soonest
and shut out the practicality
of the situation at hand.

your touch
is encapsulating
your succinct
glances are
just enough to
keep my soil watered
and love rooted
the poetry flows
colloquially through my arteries
you are only art to me

saliva
  subtly
    slips through
dirt stained lips

it rots on impact
substance grows with such ferocity
like the rapid popping of water on a hot skillet

it grew uncontrollably
it   slipped and
        she’d
            slurp it              up
                           back
if she could.

she was unhappy really-
she wanted so much more
i became acquainted with her at a house party
never impressed
always ready to go- i had conversed with her
until she begged me to take her away from that dreadful place.

and i did just so,
your honor.

..
and there was this tranquility that
draped over both the decaying dead and alive bodies
like a thin blanket attempting to reassure both sides
that there is more to life than this..

you were so special to him
he attempted to treat you for lunch,
he took you on a date through the cemetery.
the place for you to be acquainted with his demons.
he thought you would understand that that’s just how he was.
he’s sure you weren’t uncomfortable.
you said you like-liked him

he put you up on a grey stone
but you didn’t kiss him..



why..

i closed my eyes and saw
the lights flickering
the lights have been left on for too long and now
the bill’ll be high ****** and
the room hasn’t been tended to
i inhale and see an old juice spill on the ground that
has turned to a sweet syrup for the ants.

i squirm in my seat aware that this is a panic attack.
i yell in the confines of my adolescent brain that has rock posters hung up and activists signatures
some on the floor even.
the audacity.
i yell for the desire of wanting to rip my clothes off and reach nothing.
tear at my skin and pluck each hair that i grow out till i cry.
i yell because what else to do when the ocean seems to yell over you when by the shore
just trying to get away from everything but reminds you you are stuck
stuck in the confines of your earth.
deteriorating sweet earth.

my loud heartbeat
made the sound of the crashing walls
deafened
muted and delayed.
i use those words often now.

i open my eyes back up to see your radiant smile
glowing for me like the moon
when i remember its presence
it smiles back at me
and i put my head back into the car and adjust the seatbelt and put my head down into my own lap until i get carsick.
i take it for granted
the moon
i take me for granted

let me dim..

the darkest color owing to the absence of light.

it is the most beautiful color
he said.
The color with the most possibilities.

The color that described his soul adequately after
he wasn't exposed to her
light
anymore.

later on you came..
you looked pale and your ears had a shade of red
you started getting the shakes..
you had this look of concern
hoping you weren’t the reason why i
attempted to quicken my life span.
you blamed yourself on your knees pleading-
yeah no that would never be you.

you never would beg.

you brought me the seashell i gave to you at the beach that one time but this time
with a small quote written in Sharpie on the inside..

we loved with a love that was more than love

and you cupped my hands in yours and sat quietly with me..
i secretly enjoyed every minute of it.

the bus ride to brooklyn that one november night
when i left school and you came to see me
i held out my arm to show you the damage that had been done
you held me and promised me to never do it again and it was comforting to know you cared for the time being
placed your forehead on mine as bright red lights shone through
the bus of children were roudy but the vibe was serene- take me back.

i don’t understand why you
feel so empty all the time
i came to my consciousness
and felt restraints on my arms
by entangled winter scarves
making it hard to shuffle from the
chair i was tied to.
and **** was he strong.

you wanna feel lonely
i’ll show you lOneLY
he turned on the hanging light a few steps behind him as i heard a rodent scurry behind me
this
right here-
he had a styrofoam ball from Michaels on the coffee table
i didn’t get it-
i let out a chuckle
im glad you find it amusing- see this is me
he pointed to the shadow
and this is you-
me of course the light you’d assume
you-wherever you go you
are the light that everyone sees-
yet you act all dark and sad and write about how no one cares about you
tears started to well up in his eyes and voice on the brink of breaking the way his heart did
but you ARE and you don’t see it
and i’m here-your shadow
he moved the light all around
there always being a shadow and a bright light shining off the 50 cent planet
and so-

he sighed a deep exhale and pressed his eyes in
you’re on punishment and until you realize that you’re loved you’ll realize i’m doing this for your own good
he started to shuffle around me and seemed a little conflicted
bewildered by his own thoughts
i whimpered through the salty sock
he clicked his tongue three times and stroked my cheek and ran his clammy fingers over my hair
you’re so precious
one day
you’ll understand
he pulled the wooden chair i was bound to
and brought me to the cold solemn basement
you’ll start to notice your light..
he said as he flipped off the switch
..when all you see is darkness

its so hard living
existing
human-ing
breathing
it's crazy
you need to have the
mental strength to push
yourself to get through
trauma and past experiences
when in reality
you're weak and
you have a facade
and you're just
your 10-year old self
stuck in an adolescent person
that you would've never fathomed
you'd be in
stuck reading self-help books
from people who feel the same as me
blind leading the blind and you
never wanted to grow old and unsure
and you wish
that peter pan took you
instead and all cartoons have
dark underlying messages and
people huddle around you and ask
what's wrong and
you shrug because
you're not an attention seeker
and you hate love and poetry and
all the things that usually
envelop my being
the giggles and quirks that escape from
my friends become an
undying irritation and now
i wish i could faint and
awake beside
penelope.

i want to close my eyes and open them
to when you were with me
in the bitter cold playing staring contests
with the brisk wind hitting us both
and we’d laugh at each other when
we’d make stupid scrunched up faces
and then the tearing came next and of course
you’d win.
i’m terrible at games.
you’d nestle up in my neck and tell me it’s okay
but to **** it up cuz no one likes a sore loser
and i’d reply with an “oh yeah?!” wearing a crazed face and then we’d both laugh..