tender childhood piraguas
pinchos
borinquen place
bbqs on the sidewalk
ice from the dollar store
gleaming on our necks till the
skin glows green
knee scrapes
Vicks to solve all
problems thoobies and
missing bobby pins under
rugs a neighborhood i’ve never-
yet always known, a glimpse of it and
it takes me back the cousin
always spiking my
Malta the **** that never
leaves the kitchen the smaller
cousins that lived in the park around
the block
the older cousin
that was always on
the phone with a different
boy, and kept a blanket over
the body mirror and refused to
explain why, we’d get a
shipment from our
family de la isla
mangoes
aguacates and
quenepas fly out
the box while everyone
calls dibs and i’m home.

diced yuca
cornered off
three keys to everything
coconut oil
salt n pepper
mixing them in a circular motion
like dominoes
look at the other 3 around the table
and sneer
¡ capicú !
separating diced pieces from the whole pieces
hispana blanca y la negrita bella
division of countries
mix of peoples down generaciones
en el barrios where all our
cultures are
mixed
intertwined
and diced
not exactly sure what
puerto rican is anymore

i thought giving you the world
was enough
till i looked into your eyes
and saw you were the
              sun.
i felt lost in space without you
reaching for stars
without a spacesuit,
falling hard like a
meteor.
i felt like a tiger underwater,
a shark in the desert,
i knew i wasn’t capable of being what you wanted
but you still chose me..
i never thought my heart would beat for a stranger,
i never thought i’d see the light
through the dark tunnel,
i never thought color existed through black and white.
without you is like a snail without its shell
a snake without his venom
i feel alone but
when i’m with you
you bring sun to my night
your touch makes a cold room feel
warm and your kiss makes
the angels sing

it’s like the scenery blurs itself out
when i see you
i underestimated your worth as i got
to know you
the crowds noise deafens
and beauty illuminates a room

i never knew you never had things figured out at this point as you thought you would
and it’s okay,
it’s more interesting-
the journey than the destination

bustling with life
and missteps to the electric slide in the center
food growing cold in trays kept on the folding tables on the side
bodies of people arising as bachata begins
and people disbanding because of their inability to sway their hips accordingly
i smirk as i pass the mirror in the stuffy catering hall

i am renewed
i have 3 blonde streaks in my hair
i wear an anklet and an initial necklace and
gold and silver rings
this is senior year me
i always have my toes painted
and a hairtie is always on a wrist
the new and improved Everly
she still writes however more vivid
pictures to be drawn in the minds of strangers
through the coming together of letters
strung together like beaded bracelets from the deli-
more refined its magnificent
she doesnt use her pseudonym anymore
its just- her.
brown noise and its so sweet
frizzy curls entangled in music notes that swim in the air
and its all chaotic serenity

i have 3 helpings of pollo guisada
the fat girl in me was still salivating from the saborrr
its soo good, gracias bamba thank you
she smiles at me
watching me take each bite to notice if i
somehow crunch on a bone and make a face to then
tell all the family in puerto rico that i
was disgusted at her food.
she takes a seat,
ghloe, why ju so skeeny mama
ju no eat en school ?
i look from my placemat with a water stain and to her,
i smirk
of coursee, it just disappears to i dont know where
she walks off back to the kitchen to start preparing tupperwares of her leftovers for my dads lunch breaks for the week
i went on my health app and logged my progress-
still nothing,
i thought about my inability to gain
ran up to my room and started to write.

my mom likes to entertain scenarios
of how her life would’ve been
sans my father
lilah and riley wouldn’t have been here
she raises her eyebrows in disbelief
of the life she’s stuck with
you would’ve had a stepdad and a new step mom

crazy.

divided household and i would’ve
met you still
but not’ve known you..
a boy i knew until i was in 4th grade
maybe weeks on and weeks off at my moms to dads would’ve spared me
from your routine heartbreaks you graciously offer me with a ribbon on top in my
favorite color-
brown
maybe if i had 4 parents they would they have taken me to do my hair when they found out about my
first boyfriend,
curls sizzled to pin straight strands like strained love ties,
the 2 houses glowing as if
it was Christmas
and the 3 magi would be different this time-
in the form of middle aged hispanic women
offering advice on how to make him
immovable
completely entranced with my 14 year old being
wrapped around my nail-bitten-to-the-nub finger
siempre joo need to wear perfumé
the first one said
always wax joo eyebrows y joo piernas- no man likes a hairy girl- es
disgusted
the second broke down
her neck & nose was shiny with vicks
the third eyeing my from across the room
disappointed i turned down
the idea of brujería

i’ve been good thanks for asking
i tasted the break in his voice with the phrase he practiced in his mirror most mornings
when he’d pass places we’ve been
how about you, long time no see
his eyes looked cloudy
cheeks riddled with adolescent stubble yet
rosey in random splotches
his hooded eyes
heavy with dread after chasing the wrong one
apathetic and deadened
never pleaded yet
trying to reconcile what we had
attempting to
see the sun in my eyes again
they shine bright now
just not for him

it can’t be undone

with every single
cell
in my body
every single
breath
i draw in and out
with every
living insect to every human pest
walking
this earth
with every single
keratinized strand of hair
that breaks through my scalp
i can wholeheartedly say
i hate you



good luck

what are you doing
waiting for someone
who
i don’t remember anymore
i don’t think they remember i’m waiting either
so what are you doing now

holding on to what could’ve been

old coffee coarses through me
can’t feel a heartbeat
going too quick to pick up a pulse
a sign of life
a drug yet a luxury
-integrity-
prosperity of humanity
and you have none while you continue to slander
my name
my name
being mentioned in rooms i’ve never stepped in

without my control,
a once blank canvas would soon be used as a form of blame and through it peace in you-
preconceived notions are drawn in the minds of associates and strangers
better than an aged painter in the studio he’s only ever known
yet this painter is blindfolded
while this oblivious painter intently tunes in
to sympathize with the selective truths you dispose
‘how could she??’ they say

beautiful
in an unconventional way
for you to teach them what they don’t want to be
whilst they choose what to hear
words sifted once again like the selection of the finest grain
rejects strawn amongst the boulder
you were once beautiful
a sweet dandelion left to a stem with a rigid bulb at the top
not hideous just no longer wished upon

unfortunately

there’s no lights in this room
just brushes sprawled all out on the rug
with a ray of sunkissed light coming through the duvets-
it’s a bother but you
bring it up when others do
used to be the highlight of the room
but now just something that reluctantly grew on you
you want the dark but i only wish light amongst you past lover

you continue to lead-
incite fine strokes in them for my self portrait
for better or worse
i refuse to recognize for myself
using colors i’d never think you’d use- their masterpiece being guided by your bitter words
i blamed myself for an instant-
something you’d never do
leading me to believe that your heart
never was truly pure when i was with you

we burned violently in
brisk winters
and grew to ice in
beating summers
opposites do attract

and for a moment i disliked you less ;
the night a crescent moon appeared
next to venus ;
i felt my bitterness defrost
reluctantly
i let the corners of my lips turn up
making me forget how you’d let me down and
to no avail, you keep me on the side
not by yours of course and
i was right once again.

i’m not one to fall into these things
these are for foolish girls who put faith in the stupidest boys thinking that they were put on this earth- to mold somebody’s son into a man (?)
i honestly never thought it’d end- but when
it’s too good to be true
it is.
and to think i’d be the one that you wanted and
don’t tell them all the good i did for you because i won’t look like the bad guy anymore.
but you probably have that covered.

emotions preserved
like peaches in heavy syrup
too sweet
forgetting all the bad
reveling in thick happiness of the past-
take a whiff and i can taste your smile again
-again
a thing that was done already
a safe haven you look back on
i impale a slimy peach slice with a fork
try to shake off excess preserve while it drips
back into the cup
gave me flashbacks of how my
heart looked in your hand
while blood trickled down your forearm like
a melted icee
graze teeth against the
flesh and you’re still here
-still, again
funny words for beautiful fools
things go back to the way they should’ve
been
not how they were and
i pick up the container
knowing that they have grown too rich
-old.

the bus ride to brooklyn that one november night
when i left school and you came to see me
i held out my arm to show you the damage that had been done
you held me and promised me to never do it again and it was comforting to know you cared for the time being
placed your forehead on mine as bright red lights shone through
the bus of children were roudy but the vibe was serene- take me back.

the heavens looking down see
black ominous umbrellas
scurrying about- the animals we are
seeking refuge beneath bodega quality umbrellas
flimsy like the faith i had in you
but may you prove me wrong, loved one
in this cluttered concrete jungle

familiarity
conformity
unoriginal-ality but in reality we
all have places to be and why stand out in the rain?

uninvited water droplets from sky
penetrate pantyhose and
the window plants of overpriced brownstones
the allure of rain by all natural individuals
see nourishment soon to unfold
beauty in baby’s toes stomping in mud
fishing for worms that wriggle with discomfort
gardener of words
rain or shine
she knew how to put a feeling into
gentle yet tasteful prose.

i sit by the shore
with each tide that rolls in
soaking my jeans to the salty waters kiss
i look down at the wet sand that gets pulled to the center of the ocean
by the command of the moon and at least
it has an immovable sense of calmness
but again everything is relative
i take a step in
inviting myself
intruding peaceful ripples to ripples now tailored to fit around the circumference of each leg like pegs in a triangular shaped board at ******* barrel
i shove my fist into the ground and the granules scrape against my knuckles
that’ll sting later..impulsive..
just like we were..
past tense
but we’re grown now or at least we’re expected to be

i take a step further in
i reached for a handful of the wet sand and
smudged it onto my legs
unconventional art
like peoples tags in graffiti and skateboard stickers on the doors of abandoned buildings in disturbed neighborhoods
showing culture in cities
splashes of individuality beyond a zip code
disrupt
organized disorganization
and i’m silently drowning but i see you from the shore
or a figment of my ongoing untamed imagination
you smirked
you still would say that you didn’t mean to- you were daydreaming-
focusing on the scenery than the whole episode- ‘your bad tho- it was your bad’

i begged for my life back
and you shrugged your shoulders and went on walking back to the docks..
i hated you from the moment i contemplated even treading the shore and you knew how the evening would go as soon as you caught sight of me.

nose drip like leaky projects faucet
i speak in poet because you never
liked my writings
the mouth
lips
tongue smacks on gum making sound-
articulating words
speaking abundantly from the heart
for better or worse.
eye ducts and nose lining share the same
mucus membranes and
they drool as i feverishly pen this
my mouth
speaking what i see
withholding all of which i refuse to
my lips feel the way
you withhold truth beneath the tissue layers
drawn doll-like cheeks
a close to perfect wolf
enough to deceive the lambs not knowing
of their awaited devouring in a mere
2.5 seconds.

sinful man
bathing in the jezebel juice
muffled sounds of pounding fists on flesh
and pooling blood beneath it
to be covered up by skin-toned cream
he used to love
but downs brown bottles and spends
his nights near corner stores..
wretched 40s in paper bags that don’t mask a thing
comes home when he feels like
smelling of Dulce, the lady from the corner,
and commands a room
liquified demons
for they have him wrapped around the neck
silently begging for his life back
liver failing and heart with it
a single tear running down his face
only thinking of his mother
he blames his father
he wasn’t supposed to be this way
he was supposed to be successful and happy in his fathers eyes
black army man that never took no for an answer
6’3” army man
gave him siblings growing up all the same block
how considerate
all the neighbors kids on grave street were blood
ock legs and broad shouldered army man
when he came around the women on the block kept quiet
as if all sworn to secrecy of their forbidden affairs
he uses his faulty upbringing as an excuse to be the failure that he is
serious army man
never owed money to anybody
and never said excuse me during passing because
just with one look you knew
he was always going to go off unapologetically

she was unhappy really-
she wanted so much more
i became acquainted with her at a house party
never impressed
always ready to go- i had conversed with her
until she begged me to take her away from that dreadful place.

and i did just so,
your honor.

you treasured me
thanked me for my presence
it seemed as if you loved me for an instant
that little instant
that noxious side eye and smirk
that ray of light in a tree riddened forest
that first flower of spring opening up
bees salivating from a distance
i was so grateful to have met you

but you’re no longer my peace
and i continue to rekindle my love
with a version of you

just to have that again..
i don’t know what i’d do..

my hair absorbed the humidity like the mop that dips into the watered down Fabuloso on sunday mornings
slaps on the floor and rubs back and forth on wood
i looked at the ground after stares from the first five grown men i passed
i felt dizzy chasing after meaning
i walked until i pictured myself downtown
peering in at sweet pork spots
and bakery corner shops with the occasional
we buy gold stands and ads for tutoring nearby
feel the cobblestone of the streets beneath my feet
making it hard to walk in an aligned manner
i felt my face flush of coolness
i step to the side holding on to one of the vans
that have fake coach and yves saint laurent in the trunk
look at my hands  
skin translucent veins undeniably apparent
wipe my eye and i’m back
on the ave
on a saturday morning
strolling
formulating my escape

girls that wear purses for book bags to school
are the superior race in the hallways
and don’t you dare bump them !
they have a significant gait that commands
attention
they are
the sugar clumps in abuelas café that
she grinds with her spoon
and consumes with her soda crackers

jeans ripped
holes bigger than the gaps we’ve taken from each other
space and galaxies and i only treasured you
a mere star
never visible in the city
for its luminescence outdoes your
shine but i always saw your
light..

love
you’re straying and
i’m not one to beg for your skewed light either

i layed on the algae-encased rocks looked at the blaring sun until i could look away and all
that’s visible is onyx landscape.
i look to the side-
half my face in the water.  
half just above
i feel the thick cool stream that makes my hair
dance and tangle
leaving fragments of organisms in my curls.
one with earth
i refused to leave the shore of rigid pebbles-
warmth in the body of water from the areas that the sun kissed for too long.
rather bake on bedrocks
raisin fingers
while i ponder how far down i could go until
people start to wonder of my whereabouts.

you’re a sweet vibe
***** backpack clique kinda chick
make me wanna sit on some
apartment steps and watch
inspiring me to write till mamí calls me in for food
sipping my horchata,
like a hip hop song
make me warm inside..
let the kids from the barrio run around
because it’s not chaos to you
it’s family
the seriousness of the world will hit them
and its not any of our jobs to quicken the pace
you wear your dads cuban link chain
irremovable like a birthmark
pantalones rotos because everything else is

my left heel itches
i wish you never texted me what you did
that one afternoon freshman year
when i was in the library
i looked at my tiny phone with clammy hands
my clear nails glistening
and i could almost taste the warm light streaming in from the window above the nonfiction shelf
feeding my face
i didn’t eat at all that day

i loved you
but i didn’t want you to say it..

whyd you say it

i’m an odd one
you’ve made me clingy
i hear you respirate over the phone
when the moon gets cold and
covers herself up with black sky
slowly in and out it would trail
like the first astronauts steps on the moon

making strides with such ease
knowing that he’d stay up there if he could..
you go silent as if you hear my thoughts

you’ve made me obsessive
and i mourn people that aren’t dead
and i have health issues that i never bring up to the doctor when she asks
i hesitate when she asks to examine me
but the feeling seems to vanish when you come around

i don’t shave my legs and underarms in the winter
because they’re like built in body scarves
yes my puerto rican genes have made it feel so

i think about people who don’t want me too much
but who doesn’t
no one is wanted as much as they’re told.

if that makes sense
sense
sEnSe

my head hurts
can you kiss my forehead more often..
don’t be a stranger
there’s a lot of surface area so could you please..

i refer to them as brain kisses
it helps soothe headaches
your energy transfers through your
gentle loosely-puckered lips and dilutes the bad energy
that’s stored in the front of the brain
you’re top of mind
help me

L ike servitude to the patriarchal figure- but
not cuz he deserves it

O verlooking his faults because there’s so much more to him than his temper

V ain, he won’t love me the same if i look too ethnic

E scape ? There is none..


i’m kidding..trust me..i like it here

i cried on the bus
yes i am ashamed
you left me exposed like
a half eaten apple
oxidizing
wasting away
desire to finish me depleting exponentially
you took a bite out of me
tore my flesh with the
obnoxious crunch but scar tissue is bound to develop
you savored me in that bite
lapped up my sweet juice and left me
because there’s vermin that’ll finish me off

at least i was noticed for an instant

times of random boxes of mamitas ices poppin up on my doorstep is coming
times of jumping into a bathing suit because a sun shower is on its way and mami isn’t taking us to the community pool- is coming
times of begging my parents to work with my siblings and i and blast the AC just for the car ride going is coming
times of dripping ice cream down my forearm till it gets sticky is coming
summer is coming

will you be back in my arms by then mi cielo..

you drink cocktails on wednesday mornings
to feel the rush past your tastebuds
telling your brain
this is good- this makes me happy- give me more
i gave you my all till i had nothing left to give
now you kept my heart
got it stuffed and propped up on your desk
right next to the post it’s and the stapler you stole
propped up like a proud taxidermist
showing off the new addition to the collection
the rare one- it put up a good fight but you
you conquered
in the end.

proud trophy hunter
you
are the animal.

It’s funny how after we decide we don’t like someone, we can find reasons to support our decisions and equally the other way around. That’s what I think was happening I got further in, I had already decided I liked nay loved her and progressively began gathering and threading together a daisy chain of little observations and nuances that tied her tenderly to me.

i closed my eyes and saw
the lights flickering
the lights have been left on for too long and now
the bill’ll be high ****** and
the room hasn’t been tended to
i inhale and see an old juice spill on the ground that
has turned to a sweet syrup for the ants.

i squirm in my seat aware that this is a panic attack.
i yell in the confines of my adolescent brain that has rock posters hung up and activists signatures
some on the floor even.
the audacity.
i yell for the desire of wanting to rip my clothes off and reach nothing.
tear at my skin and pluck each hair that i grow out till i cry.
i yell because what else to do when the ocean seems to yell over you when by the shore
just trying to get away from everything but reminds you you are stuck
stuck in the confines of your earth.
deteriorating sweet earth.

my loud heartbeat
made the sound of the crashing walls
deafened
muted and delayed.
i use those words often now.

i open my eyes back up to see your radiant smile
glowing for me like the moon
when i remember its presence
it smiles back at me
and i put my head back into the car and adjust the seatbelt and put my head down into my own lap until i get carsick.
i take it for granted
the moon
i take me for granted

let me dim..

i talked to an angel
and she said i deserved this
reminded me i haven’t consulted god in ages
why was i on my knees once more..
i begged her to take me with her
her eyes glistened
non existent eyelashes batted at me as she smirked
and faded..

3 times meeting in person
a homeschooled kid
fell in love with me within
2 months of meeting me
all that alone time to fall in love with
1 version of me
tall blonde boy w a tinge of spanish roots
the coquí
that sung too much y me cansé

i shouldn’t have to look at old photos to
remember the bond we shared
and tape up fallen parts in this broken down love

spray painting the dirt green
cuz it’s easier on the eyes

******* in my stomach for the picture because altered me is the best me

treading everyday with a painted smile because that’s what a real lady does

saliva
  subtly
    slips through
dirt stained lips

it rots on impact
substance grows with such ferocity
like the rapid popping of water on a hot skillet

it grew uncontrollably
it   slipped and
        she’d
            slurp it              up
                           back
if she could.

love it when you call me baby
reminding me
of the time before you fell out
of love for me

where the ink dried
the spot where you couldn’t squirm between that rock and a hard place
the yellow tape and hazmat suits
and the church bells that rang and laughed at you while you stood outside
and thought about him getting married to
the one that was never going to be you

but that was only after

all the calls
and the dinners and
the slow dances in the living room
and the strolls around the park
but then came the doubts
and the arguing and the
deep seated resentment that became apparent

and it was like
she never really knew him
only a silhouette of what he used to be
should have been..

you’re beautiful yknow that..
new interest whispered in her ear
in his whip that night
he leaned in and stroked her arm
she winced back
reminiscing exactly what that felt like from the past interest
who would hold her and
promise that he wouldn’t let go
until new girl came around

she pointed to stripes on her forearm
pretty aren’t they
he stared and counted 7 long strides
his favorite number
seems like a lot but i got some more..
  mk but like why
she didn’t say that this one was for the time she first tasted
love and how it tasted sweet to the tongue
but toxic to the core
didn’t say that this was for that poem that she heard at a slam
that hit a little hard
didn’t say that this was for the day she cried until her eyes rolled back
didn’t come to mention that
this was for the day that she was hurt by the softest soul
not that this was for the day she only saw red and made a
pathway for her demons to escape
this was for today
for attempting to jump back into the dating pool
only to get flashbacks of an old interest
this was for self loathing
only saying
you wouldn’t understand
   well i got something that you can understand girl
new boy leaned in
quite flustered
she shoved him and
hopped out his dads corolla as he pulled up to her
and threw her soda on her chest
stay warm baby it’s cold outside

and pulled off
leaving her choking on old fumes and built up tears.

after the breakup
her heart worked even harder
being that it was beating alone now
no assistance
no butterflies
just involuntary body members
trying to sustain the equilibrium

the cold wind was fighting to come through the car
sounding like a flame while the car zoomed on the freeway
my heart burned
all the chipotle and heartache i guess
there’s bumps on the ground and i look to the side of the freeway and there’s soiled bottles riddened with cigarette butts
there’s bumps on my legs
you rushed me and now i have little tissues on em


maybe we rushed this too..

to the very last fibers
of love
they were holding on to for dear life
fearing the
death of a coveted bond
broken
amongst their once joyous feet
inseparable
they were once described

but it seemed they now could never get
enough of it.


what keeps you holding on..

she was a poisonous flower
among all the delicate posies
and gentle baby’s breath

unable to be felt without gloves
unable to be wafted without a mask

he knew he couldn’t have her
and so his desire grew greater

and passed away with traces of toxic passion in his lungs
and lust on his fingertips

i’m feeling more lonely
every time i see you
it’s like the butterflies start flying around
too fast and start crashing into each other
and then they morph
back into ugly fuzzy caterpillars
all weighing down in my
stomach

this isn’t right

i was your rations
sent from heaven to sustain you.

but you wanted more
and didn’t care for the simple things
and you chose to disregard
that i gave you life

there day by day
just enough

forgetting that all i was
was
milk and honey
and when you eventually got tired

that sweet stuff
that just enough-
the old me
was left
rotting
turning to worms




maybe it was meant to be

you are a survivor
you are silenced because the color
of your skin intimidates the ones with
none.

your ancestors
your lineage
was strong
fighting everyday to get you
here
and this is what you make of them

that better place
all that fight and toil
to plant their seed and make a nation

for you to get here and their blood
just
to have a faint taste of freedom
to see you happy
blossoming
never succumbing to the the foot of a lesser one
you are
the rich fruit that will never cease
to bear fruit

you are

now every time i smell
lemongrass and coconut
i will always remember how you
ghosted on me

and when i lit the wick in my bedroom
i let it crackle and take to the burning match
until a pool of smoldering hot wax developed
and i’d dip my finger in
and watch it solidify
and
then suspend my finger above the kind dancer flame and see it melt back into the candle cup

it’s all just a cycle
it’s going to burn at first but
i would love again.