we went to the city and we walked
past the horses and the monuments in the dog parks
past the rollerblading dancers with their obnoxious boom box
and the people asking for change.



i wore a loose romper that afternoon and
you said my *** looked
wavy.

after all the bendito’s were said
i was then left in the solemn
chipped baby-blue painted room
that had a small painting hung up
alone
on a small string only with the support of a rusty nail.

hung up
the image had a small boat on a
vast blue sea which evoked a feeling of
an adventurous spirit and hopefulness in the
unknown..
which was soon fizzled out after remembering my surroundings..

i got up out the chair and grazed my small fingertips over the engraved designs of the wooden border..
i then delicately brushed the dusted canvas..

and i realized
that the tiny man on that boat will find his destination some day
however
i may not ever find my own.

later on you came..
you looked pale and your ears had a shade of red
you started getting the shakes..
you had this look of concern
hoping you weren’t the reason why i
attempted to quicken my life span.
you blamed yourself on your knees pleading-
yeah no that would never be you.

you never would beg.

you brought me the seashell i gave to you at the beach that one time but this time
with a small quote written in Sharpie on the inside..

we loved with a love that was more than love

and you cupped my hands in yours and sat quietly with me..
i secretly enjoyed every minute of it.

second we have abuela from PR,
came all the way here just to see if it was true..

her eldest granddaughter was taking therapy.

terapía es para los locos mija
she’d say.
she gave me a cocotasso and said
that since i never ate enough as a kid,
i grew thin and it effected my thought process.

She diagnoses anyone like that though.
After a while,
she told me that i should be
the strong young lady that i never was
and go to church.

i found myself in the middle of
an intervention with family and friends
alike.
A wrinkled hand with long opal-colored nails
stroked my shoulder.
soon enough a folded chair was cracked open for
concerned persons to tell me their opinion on how
i should’ve done things.

Up first was Eileen.
she looked more clean yet saddened a little..
i saw it in her gentle eyes-
her long eyes that were only brought to life
at the bonfires in the bronx on late nights
when she was supposed to stay at ‘buela’s house.
Tio found out one day and fixed her up real good
yet the gossip in my family spread like wildfire.
She shared a couple of words on how she’s changed for the better
and she should’ve caught herself sooner.
it was the association of her bad friends that got her in trouble.
though i’ve seen her come into my house at midnight
eyes more red than my father’s “tans” when we used to go on vacations together..

her eyes were constantly darting back to Tio for approval of her statements i guess..
i tilted my head ever so slightly to the right and
studied her posture and replayed those words over
trying to see clearly where she put the emphasis.

we both knew she wasn’t convincing anyone.

. .
being with you for a year and some months

and a ten hour conversation
i only then realized

between all of our subconscious thoughts
and drunken confessions

that

i was really loved
and i was so busy trying to guard myself
from potential heartache
that it was already too late before i really could

and i wouldn’t want it any other way.