we layed it on
thick
on broken floors
on tears
on fights on wednesday mornings
on heavy silences from hearing she let him come back home
our foundation
attempts to hold the weight
of what this became
from when it started
born aged
our love was smoking cigarettes
we bought the apartment with the
crack down the ceiling
and the pots boiling go get it!

i blow the dust off my culinary treat
and they tower over me and spit on what i’ve presented
ungrateful, spiteful, unhappy
i distribute my truth and it sits sour
in the stomachs of those i care for
i look at their faces in hopes to be understood
they find it revolting every time
despite me adding sweetener to my words
flipped onto me as though i’m the problem
i go back to my abode to sugar coat these words
i utter once again to be received more palatable by ears that need tickling

i wrap my childhood needs in soft pink satin cloth covered so they don’t
hurt again for a while in a gift box with a bow to be stored on the highest shelf in the closet of my mind
i hold the box

maybe this time it’s different

dear brain,

thank you for
giving us another day of life
it hurts when you hurt us
we didn’t do anything to you
face is beautiful the way she is
when hands hold the device
and you compare us to edited girls
you fixate on every imperfection until you convince us we’re inadequate but
when eyes look in the mirror
we convince you
we’re enough with mouth’s affirmations
we feel whole again after
dicing parts of limbs
saying you are deserving of all that is pure and good but there are but’s
tender is the skin that
still holds pencils to write poetry
and we want to eat
it feels rewarding when palms are allowed to wrap around utensils to sustain us
refreshing when stomach is full and glands produce happy hormones
please love us the way we love you


                                   from,
                                           body

he took me to see the orchestra
i watched them while he watched me
both with eyes of awe
the synchronization of up and down bows
commanding emotion and
the harp in his chest strummed gently that evening
it hadn’t sung the way it sang that evening
i leaned towards the stage encapsulated
holding my hand he felt a sense of permanence
that if i heard the music i’d stay and the pain was worth it
and reminding him when it’s good it’s real good

he took me to see the orchestra because i played violin then
i dreamt of going back to school to practice more
i’d finger the notes under the table at dinner every night and i’d lose track of time and he noticed that and
he loved how immersed i could become once i fell in love with something
and he wanted not to wade but dive into me

he took me to see the orchestra because he loved the way i wrote then
it was complex and he didn’t understand it and it made him discontent with what he knew he appreciated how soothing and real the words felt
like running water on a cut
it was refreshing
cooling and he just wanted me to see what he heard when peering into my vessel and her prose

she was so pretty
she sat by the edge of the pool
in her cherry-printed two-piece bathing suit
and sparkled toenails
and bitten nails
she looked familiar
with her grey goggles ****** tight on her
forehead
i peer at her and then at the pool
don’t be scared,
i always heard you feel like a fish once you start
you look like you’d be a natural
but that’s only if you give it a try..
i forced a smile back at her
breaking the gaze with the
mysterious deep blue
you don’t look like the type that would
voluntarily swim i said
and yet here i am
she wiggled her sparkly toes triumphantly
as if being by the pool was something to be praised
it’s bad enough i was her company
we both shouldn’t have been here
i fell for her then..
not her
but what we both wanted to reach at the bottom
and we held hands and jumped together
having nothing left to fear..

ive been struck by an eternal love
through every shape and form
i will love you one way or another

i love you
and out of all that i am uncertain of

this will always hold true.

Venga told me to meet her by the rock
of peace
the rock in which we can reside
it's cool there
                            shhhh
it's cool there
thick mist surrounds us and we don’t speak
just see each other on opposite sides
deep dark waters surround us but we
keep our eyes closed so we won’t
see each others' tears absorb on our blouses
we avoid vulnerability because the feeling is so raw
pain entering in an unwarranted fashion
wading about within us breaking down what was built up
with great effort trying to push out that agonizing discomfort
with incense, scriptures, and poems
Oh my!
and the pain never leaves
just eats away at our rock
begging for it to stay intact
praying for it to not erode
forcing us to progressively
crouch then squat
stand then tippy-toe
and we gracefully anchor to the ocean floor.