why do we crave it so
get frustrated and gotta let it be known
that you love the skin to skin attention
that you're just a sucker for affection
so how come we feed it and
why is it that "love" is not needed
Just body to body connection and sweet sensual affection
and how do we get this way where our body sweat and our legs shake I don't really know but I got a confession,
I think I'm in love with
affection

I've loved you since you were born even though you were a yucky boy and now I had to share my toys
I didn't really know it back then that you were my very first and would be my forever bestfriend
I guess I didn't realize that you were growing up too and that one day I would need to learn from you
so I want to thank you for every joke you've told because you're the funniest guy I know
and thanks for being so loving towards my children you mean so much more then just an uncle to them
thanks Mom and Dad for bringing me my brother. its like they knew somehow we needed each other
but above all I thank God for blessing my life with your presence there's no other way I could have of done it.

Not that i claimed to have really known u back then 
cause even then i had not the slightest clue
 but theres still something about u i tend to defend 
..that simplistically complex creative beautiful truth 
Enigmatic at many times,
but not frighten instead keen
 magnetic with my smile 
some may even call it incomprehensible obscene 
Fraudulent but fragile for i love and hate at once
 mellifluously i beg for my own sanity My mind, my heart disputatious ...lacking complete clarity
 Still i feel as though i knew me better then in comparison to now awe-inspiring,
and inexplicably My distorted distracted me is wowed
 For ive come to realize i know me less today this person ive turned out to be... 
nothing short of decay
 ...Contemptibly delighted to say is me

don't wanna speak, don't want to eat what's wrong with me?
hear back to weak.
don't know why I don't want to hang with friends,
guess I don't want to have to explain again.
sick of the uncertantity,
everyday unfortunately,
I have to battle with me.
back and forth, forth and back
hour by hour, not sure how to act
so please cut me some slack
making impulsive decisions,
full of anxiety filled confusion
not something I'm choosing
the more I feel connected
the more I kinda don't.
I don't know how to describe myself while im trying to cope.
hey, at least I'm not on dope.
yeah, that makes it all better.
sometimes I just miss that guaranteed go getter
but whatever,
now I'm just *******.
crazy old Cristine,
**** I even know about me

Nick named lil she,
as cute as she makes me feel about me.
Pretty lil her,
nicknaming me.
Winking.
And laughing at my jokes.
Posting pics that make me choke.
Stop your flirting
my eye sights becoming blurry.
Im feeling your strong vibrations again,
breaking my heart when u call me just a friend.
Giving nick names to him her and the others
I just focus on what my own uncovers.
Pretty lil she,
nick naming nobody me.
Guess ill see you in my dreams

To the homies, even the ones that'll never really know me. Thank you for giving me any minutes of your time I'm grateful for the knowledge you've gifted my mind. I carry so many of u with me in just everyday things I do. I've been inspired, in one way or another, by each one of you. I'm not always good at explaining my certain perspective on life, so I try to listen, instead of handing out advice I appreciate humans and how we affect each other, by a 10 second conversation with a stranger or a two hour talk with your mother.I'll never forget ya,s as long as im in this world, LOVE that crazy *** MexiRican girl

I feel like a fool...how did I fall so deep in love with you.
One day was all it took, now my whole existance is shook.
I want u I need u, just spilling out, and for some reason, I have no doubts.
Ill confess that I  get so obsessed with the thought of a changed address.
What a mess.
But nothing I can't clean up.
Just as long u think I'm good enough. Watched u fall into my lap, as if someone heard my dreams n plans.
I love it when u call me scar, and adore the incredible person u are.
Thank u, even if u break my heart.

I am not easy to get, not easy to forget, adored by so many, hated by plenty, artistic and lively, fake smiling, persuaded by lust, underestimated much, intelligent and cunning, never to welcoming, lonely and frighten, obnoxious and whinny, political and opinionated, sexually stimulated, random in lifes journey, unconcerned with others worries, a liar and a theft, innocently sweet, always making no sense, not easy to convince, undefined, uninhibited, playful and imaginative, hard to love and loves so hard, listens to sad strings of guitar, unreliable and understated, always cold and simply jaded

so i was thinking about u today.. those gorgeous eyes, that familiar face. and i was wishing i could get up the nerve to call, to just spit it out, to just tell it all. my hands started to sweat, and i couldnt help but regret, every kiss i didnt give, every lie u couldnt forgive, all the love i love yous i took in vain all the sadness, all the pain to have u once more, i'd be taking a risk but if you want a reason why i would i can give u a list the way you say "hello" that day we played in the snow the nights u held me tight the times everything u said was just right how everytime i think of forever its you i see, and how nothing in this world means as much to me

My GOD  I love u
how so quickly?
I ask myself all the time

I wana tell u how much I do
but my mouth can never catch up
with whats in my mind

I thought I had left true love in my past
but u astonish me in great ways
that no one ever has

Now im irrational and I love it so
don't care if I crash,
I just gotta know

Things are going to be intense in so many ways
when we finally meet face to face
in less than 4 days

Sad and confused Dont know what to do what to choose I thought we had things figured out, ready to go. but after all ur words once again, theres nothing to show I depended on u bc u promised everything would be alright. Now im standing w my things packed, chest tight I dont wana leave bc these emotions ARE real, but life is happening, no matter how we may feel But ur not even that person i fell in love with anymore. Its too bad ur letting that **** walk me right out the door I just hope one day me and ur boy have a lil more worth in ur life, and u actually do whatever it takes to make things right ...and if not, then ill pray that things for u get better ...we'll miss u.. Love, This Last Goodbye Letter

Heart hurts so bad, its hard to even think, I know I gotta be strong, but how, when I feel so weak No idea why u tell me that you love me, want me to stay when I see the way you look at me, fighting everyday I'm holding on to what I thought we had but the longer I stay, it only makes me feel unwanted and bad. You make me out to seem like something I'm not You said You were grateful for me, so why are u letting my heart rot? Whats fkd up about it all is the whole time, you were the one pretending, because u never truly cared, not even now that its ending. Dont know how much longer I can take this, I cant keep feelin like i dnt exist, loving someone who doesn't give a ****. Cant keep killin my soul because you wont try to understand I thought you would better me, thought u were a different man. But now I see that things arent gna change, aren't gna get better. Not convinced by your fake smiles, dont believe your letters. I just wish I hadn't let you change me so much, so disgusted and dissapointed, with who I've become. And in your eyes, Im to blame. u do no wrong, feel no shame. Hearts going completely insain with pain, mind's withering away. Because theres no sensible reason why I'm still here, its not because I need u, its not because of fear. Guess I'm hanging on to the hope that maybe its just this place. Fighting the logical me, deep down I know things are gna be the same. Not sure if I should be proud that I stuck it out, or should be feeling stupid for ignoring all my doubts. Whatever it is, I need to find some sincere kinda peace. And I realized being w u, I'm just not happy with me

Unreal how life twist and turns i know im not gna make it, how do I when everything i love crumbles from beneath me. spinning I'm lingering on something that I've made real but doesnt **** the demons that haunt me, that taunt me obleek, diseased frustrated and paralized from the world

My jaw is hurting from all this smiling...while he... when he...then we...

Al these emotions flowing through me. dismissive as i was undeniably yours and taken for a lifetime. No more myself, i have become you. Indescribable and withered, u left me to die. I try, but i cannot fight this urge to fly. Far away. i find my solace , away from the fear and reality that forever binds us this tragic night. My innocence u never knew yet held in your experienced delicate hands, these hands i trusted. these hands i put my soul on the line for. Forever more, i try but i dont know why. ALL GONE to your lies, i surrender my carrion left to be your shrine. black. grey. white....gooodnight

Fingertips...snip snip snip. Bite of your lips, blood drip drip drips. I mourn for this lover ive killed. Thrilled I hungered for the spill. I lean over you, no shadow to haunt me. I covet u, with no words left to taunt me. Black blue and yellow...your eyes seems so shallow. No color to your skin, youve now become so hollow. Hold me lover, I don't wana be apart. These stitches will help heal our broken hearts. So let me pierce your weightful arms. So cold to the touch, purple vessels. ..bust bust bust. I like seeing you this way. Outsides decay and insides desplayed. Love you. My lover so blue...lets sleep together this night, my dreams have come true

Been trying to ignore what month it is, the one I hate and would never miss. I know I'm not the only one... Still hurts, but keeping busy so it's not as tough. Back in Cleveland, this and that's changed, but you know how "home" is; pretty much the same. Ashtabula still has ****** weather ^_~ I don't know why I check, guess it's habit or whatever Sometimes I feel like you come down to visit me... Its cool, I like to imagine us chillin' Laughing, smoking, having a few brews, listening to good tunes, ranting on about lifes truths and blues....really fkn miss you Anyways, birthdays right around the corner, you know I'd never forget...hugs and kisses til we talk again old friend.

through tear drops and bloodshed, ive said it a million times and ill say it again because when i lost u... a part of my heart, my soul, u took, my friend I look at your pictures, and i really cant help but to smile, sadden i remain, cos i needed to see u before u left, just for a while My days go by, i think about ur mom and dad, how hard its gotta be to remember the wonderful son, just a year ago, they had. tough listenin' to music, i find myself crying, still seems so unreal, the thought of u dieing. catch myself wanting to tell u all the new things in my life, even though since u've been gone, my minds not been right. but then again thats something i absolutley loved abt u, u could make sense out of anything, ur heart was so true. Intelligent as they come with such an interesting perspective, grateful to have learned from u, i was starving for that connection. handsome as can be, those green eyes are embedded in my brain, heart and stomache still flutter anytime i simply hear ur name. sucha shame, u were destined for greatness, the best at so much, always wantin to make it. hard to write with all these memories running through my head, give up anything to see ur warm smile once again. empty, for all along i had a plan, a year ago i wouldnt know this me, if that helps u understand. met a lot of people, but i felt u in so many ways that even mentioning this puts me in dark depressing daze. But i know i always will because u werent just anybody to me, i appreciate the person u were, so brilliantly unique. i fight tears almost as much as i breathe, because when i lost u, i felt like i lost me

Here..there...feel chills from these cold stares. Standing straight up, i follow his path laid out for me. Good, bad, but who i turned out to be. My struggles keeping me strong, hard headed, I stay doing wrong Funny, huh, never thought I'd be hitting that pipe. Always thought i was different, not that type.Should've known spontaneity runs through my veins, and I mean, people do change. But all along never oblivious, just intrigued by what it could be and everything it already was. Lessons learned...hard and plenty Mistakes made...large and many Still learning because u never stop Will staying powerful, cant let that drop Reality cutting bone deep, figuring out that i really am just a creep Dukes up, prepared to stand up for who i am... Not pondering what i cant change but focused on what i can. Wise beyond my years thanks to long nights, sweat, blood and tears. Legs hurt, I've walked some rough miles these days its hard for me to even smile. Green thoughts and Crystal thinkin' Eyes wide open barely blinking Yeah some will hate, but i wont hold a grudge I handle mine, but go ahead and judge Perfection is a concept we'll never comprehend so I accept my flaws and don't play pretend Don't know how to be fake , I was bred to be real and I could really careless how that makes u feel

I praise him like a religion I study him like physics unreal how I'm so easily convinced
it's only when I'm with him
For u stumble in your suspicious actions yet I continue to chance it despite any bad feeling that passes
yet only when I'm with him
he could be untrue and willingly Ill be named his fool, for his lips so full there's not much I wouldn't do
Don't want to miss him
So I've carved his name on my skin and everything becomes worth it again...
but then I remember. ..
only when I'm with him

If I could turn this world around I'd make it so you'd touch the ground. I'd make it so that you get what you need I'd make it so that you'd want me. I'd make you see that you are worth it..Even times when you're not exactly perfect. I'd let you really get to know me and let you dig as deep as you want to reach. Id let you know that in my mind heart soul you've grown
and through these keys I've let it be known


If I could turn this world around I'd make it so you never frown
I'd make it so your arms would heal
and your true feelings you wouldnt fear
I'd let you know how much I care and without your smile I just wouldnt bare.
I'd make it so you'd get along and not feel saddened by what in the past you've done wrong
I'd make it so that you can see the man in you that I have seen, and still do. despite the lies and through the truth,
the dark but magical Crow that's you

simple little words that blow my mind,
makes me crave you
"as often as I want to and all the time"
I'll tell you this
"if and when, and if, and mainly when, or mainly if" our lips touch  it's going to be
"forever and ever and ever"
" if I die you die and we would be one person"
and nothing sounds sweeter

To think at one point I was pushing you away
oh how I wish you would have just stayed
that my smile could just make everything right
and I would have stayed with you those nights
to think at one point I thought I was better without you
oh how I wish I knew I was just being amused
that I was just young and dumb almost numb
and that I know this is truly love
to think at one point I wanted you to forget all about me
oh how I wish that I would have not been so f** mean
that I wouldn't have tried to hide
that I would have just opened my blind eyes
now I miss you and want you here this time no lies no fear
cause to think at this point all I do is cry
oh how I wish I would have just gave you my life instead of saying goodbye instead of letting your love die