It's like as soon as I'm alone the walls fall down.
The insecurity returns, back to it's usual places: a nook in the cavities of my heart, a hole in the veins that should be bringing me blood. I can't hide it, it's like the pain of a memory that never really heals with time, never fixes itself. Instead thin layers of 'I'm Okay' wrap around the wound as if sticky tape trying to glue together cracks in the road earthquakes have parted. It's just another one of those nights where every hurt from every sound spoken hits me all at once and cuts like the original impact.

The rose lies, carefully placed next to his name.
His eldest son has just turned five and doesn't know he's buried there,
among many other faceless graves.
The soft glow of a candle, lit over his last letter.
She holds it close, his warmth she craves.
His last words, only written to ease the suffering
merely prolong the pain:
"I'll love you, always."
Twenty-one when he left,
cold and breathless when he returned;
wearing an expression pleading to be spared from the
tragedies already occurred.
Sleeping restlessly in a coffin, he died in combat -
a knife to the waist, legs severely burned.
So as not to wake the children she sits and attempts to calm herself; grabbing a pen and paper to write one last letter back to him:
"They taught you ******* and not care, how to
mercilessly end what you couldn't possibly understand.
You learnt to block out the dying screams as you also
silenced your own fears. You thought you were freely giving
part of yourself, while they crept in,
silently like a cancer; they took
everything from you my dear."

Something inside me
Instantly falls apart and
An ache is all that's left when
The sharp edges of each fragment
Lie scattered, puncturing
Near organs in their
Beautiful array of
Brokenness

These devils lie awake while you sleep;
surfacing the seas of your mind.
They taunt you as you dream,
daring you to see past the nightmares
so vividly painted out before you.
As safe as you ever felt they were always lingering,
just around a corner that wasn't there;
so close the wind you thought carried you
was the fire from their breath
seeping through your lungs
and flooding your veins.
In your prison you pictured bold colours blending
together and creating worlds of their own
in the smudged corners of contrast.
A bright world, where happiness grows
on trees and devils lurk in your dreams.
All this you kept with you, locked away
in some part of your heart that couldn't
be enlightened with the truth;
you are tormented by these demons that
relentlessly surround your cage.
It's too late for your mind, you've been
deceived, your heart taken captive.
Watch as you restlessly lay wake,
envisioning your decay.

The grey clouds shift and swirl above my head,
slowly, almost imperceptibly getting darker;
as if anger has forced a flush of colour to their cheeks.
I crane my neck, searching for the transformation
of anger to grief; for the tears to pour out,
to rain down on those of us below that don't mind
being a shoulder to lean on.

(C) 23/6/14
Courtney L

I look to the sky, endless blue overtaking my vision in hues so bold I have to close my eyes once again, return to the darkness.
I dream I'm lying in the grass, looking up, not overwhelmed at the blueness this time, but enjoying it. Maybe someone is with me. Maybe they too are transfixed at the enormity of space.
I stare for a long time, thinking of how I could paint it. Struggling to capture what beauty it holds. Maybe I'll paint the stars too; little bursts of light intruding on the deep swirls of night sky.