You pulled my heart
Out like a wrench
I just want to
start over again
Build something
Kind of different

I changed my name
to a pseudo name.
I don't know if it's empowering
or sad,
but those poems aren't me
anymore.
Once they're out
they're behind me.
I want them to exist as standalone
treatises, free from me.
The only reason I
would attach them
would be for attention.
I don't want that kind of attention.
I don't want them to know me.
I can't say...
what I want to say.
It just doesn't feel safe.
It just doesn't feel like there is space.

Not waiting around
for you to decide
whether
this is wrong or right
I'll take dates
to spite...
you.
Despite
wanting
just
you.

They're placeholders.
It's fine.
It's exciting
when you don't
care and just
put yourself out there.

Shouldn't you care?
Or does a small part
think
it won't turn out
well.
Oh well.
Oh well
I keep telling myself.

I keep it to myself
and I keep it small
little mentions
here and there
enough to intrigue
you to want more.
I'd never bore you
to death I'd ****
myself first.

I wonder if you think of me in the night
I know it's a waste of time
Even though I think
I can read your smile
I can't
get over it.
I tell myself
I won't be broken
if you decide
I'm not worth it
or just want to
dip your toes in.
I want to fall forward
go all in.
Be your new best friend.
I want you to hold me.
My eyes roll back
and imagine...ughhh
I'm feeling weak just thinking
about how you'd touch me.
Pardon me if I shake.
I'm just so excited
trying to tell myself it's ok.
It's ok.
It's ok.
It's ok.

I'm trapped in my own perspective
It's not good for me
I'm bored with hobbies
Seeking out the old me
Where was she
Aimless for sure
But insanely curious
Don't know for sure
Where is she hiding
Behind a table maybe
Underneath a cool
dark rock like
a salamander
trying to find her
vocabulary.
The late night settling
trying to catch some sleep.
Where is she.
Where is she.
Looking around longingly
I don't have time time
to look anymore
I just gotta live
and forget her.
It's so sad
she is like a stray
cat lost forever
her bones lie
in the forest
in the trees
she was second guessing
climbing.

I'm not yours.
I don't belong to you.
Even if we were together
we're not two.
It's not here to please you.
It's here to please me.
I'd rather kick
back
drink a martini
And relax than pursue something
with you.
I have things to do.
And not enough things to say.
to you.
I got work to do
And while you got me feeling loose
I can't pursue
Feelings are fading fast
cause I know this ain't gonna last.
Your too **** passive aggressive
and I'm so past that.
Because I'm not ok with that.
I've tried to rationalize it a hundred times
And it never feels right.
****** semi consciously
over and over again.
I can't stand it.
I won't tolerate it
or accept it.
Because truth is
I'm over it.
I'm exhausted.
Feeling like I gotta play
this game where I have no stake
never make a mistake
it doesn't make sense.
All it does is nag my conscience.

Saying no is starting to
feel a lot like saying yes.
Not gonna apologize
for being a knife to your chest.
Truth is I tried my very best,
but your just not for me.
And I really gotta leave.