Sometimes I can see
The shadow of all we've been

Lost and confused
Separate and diffuse
You are pulling away from me
Is it, is it true?

If everything is going back in time
so can we
But I can't go back because
I am not the same chick

We are big but we come from the ground
My birth was hard but it was worth it all
Your birth was getting rid of your befores
I want to keep swimming with you - kiss each other not to choke

Are we pulling away
Each on our own way
I can't take this again
But if it comes, nothing left to say

I wasn't aware I had a body -
with a promise inside
a note for me telling, "I've got goodies for you to unlock"
"use me as you like"
"I am yours to thrive, get high!"

But I was setting my eyes on men
even if I didn't know back then
In unexpected ways. Not aware.
The Bonsai girl - breaking away

He is arousing to the eyes - and oh, below the pants
I should have known him at 22, instead of hiding
in the back row of the class
Counting ghosts, and hearing demon's voices loud

Did I know what I was feeling?
Only now it seems to have a meaning

But no turning back - no sadness really in my heart
and I am just angry tonight
Tonight, angry you are not by my side
I could really hurt you, but instead of that
I look at him and for a second,
I fly

(He's joy in a confused Saturday night)

The flashbacks, the ideas
fluttering in my head
Something's pulling out all of my insides
But I am silent instead

They whisper ideas that I can't grasp well
Will I get out of this hell?
Which way?

Because it feels like I love you
but I can't. Every move I do
carries me further down.

I've been here before, no clarity now to show
I remember when I was starting to grow
Arrived some years late
to the parade

Life is ugly and unclear - sometimes
And everything surrounding might be a lie
I can't talk, my mind is held hostage right now
Everything so horrible - yet I can't shout
I can't be, I can't touch
The nourishing battle - away from me now
The life within - is gone

The demons became the canvas
I fight but I no longer slay them,
They creep inside my body
They got me in a kind of a knot again

I love you, I love you, but it hurts
Nothing hurts more than being myself does

I AM NOT OKAY

I feel like I was 13 again
Betting to one card all of my fate
Because there's no other chance
Going to therapists...but with a change:
Now I fight with all it takes.
I've been - radically expressed

I feel like in a different space and time
But this time, it is a different hue, a new shine

I will fight because
I've already been through too much.
I will get down and *****
when it comes to living

Am I going psychotic again?
Astray, misled
Will I be saved?
Losing the compass I gained?
Everyone visiting me in my sickly bed
Taking care of me while I shake in pain
Friends saying, you'll get better, if you wait
My love, saying he's always there...

In my sickly, mind foggy bed
the Sun shines in anticipation of the next day
but we never really know
tomorrow is elusive, but it's all we've got

The nurse's room is heaven
when hell lives within
But you gotta dream with a life
outside of it

My brain does not fit the sentences anymore
I can't hear the rhythm, so who cares about words
Am I sinking under again? I felt it in my bones
I did not know truth from fake more
And I am going back on my steps, which hurts so
I hope God saves me, from the fire of psychic death

Am I losing my mind? Not knowing where I stand
And every path is darkened, and every move hurts
And confuses and carries death
I hope I can be saved - reborn again
cleanse my sin - because I killed myself

And no words can tell
what I am enduring these days
it seems empty, repetitive ****
as repetitive as my thoughts spinning within

We want freedom
We want equality
Equality to work! Equality to rock!
Equality to be -you dread it- ******! If you like the word
It's my pride - to be what you deny

Give me my feminism
But don't take the fun from me
Give me all that feminism
but don't take the spark from me
If it doesn't make me high, it's not it

Don't get inside my bed
and tell me to be a good girl!
Burn all your Gods
Heaven or earthly bound
No one ever tells me who to ****!

You all think you know much! But you don't know at all
Freedom is the aim! Freed from everything
We want men to be our friends, in and outside our bed
We don't need you, righteous people!
We don't need you, voice of reason!

Freedom to show my body, freedom to decide
Give us those rights, give us life
To fully explore and become people not stuff
Don't ever let us fall
down the rabbit hole
of their clonic boring mores

Right to get respect
for all we are, "no more sectioning of the self"
choosing between my two halves and picking the wildest one
What if I like to be a little naughty imp
when I am with him?

Right to be ourselves
not less
We are for real, we are here
So swallow back all that ****
I want my rights
Not laws about my lower parts

Something's rotten in my soul
I can hear it silently roar
It makes me idle,
It makes me mute, it makes me numb

Writing a poem - like accomplishing a duty
I need the unload, the freeing
There is a bad soul, within my body
I want to kick this affair,
Get real - I got used to smiling

I am swimming in oblivion
and
I try to find the words
but everything flees and so does my heart

Who decides what is good?
I cannot make up my mind anymore
I've already misunderstood
the whole scheme laid out for us