I've lost you once,
It hurt so bad.
How cliche is it of me to say,
I love you.
I love you so ******* much it hurts me,
I get worried that maybe you are gonna get tired of me.
That you are gonna leave me again.
I cannot let that happen.
You just came back to me a few months ago.
I was and am so happy,
But maybe I was your second resort, maybe you loved someone else and they turned you down.
I don't mean to be rude,
But I want you to take a step in my shoes, I want you feel how I feel if I lost you again.
How my stomach clenches and makes me sick thinking about you with other chicks.
When I can't really cry but the shakes that rack my body, leave me trembling after a night of crying.
I cannot explain how hard it is on me if you left me again.
It's so cliche, you are so little feet away and I don't think you know how bad this feels .
You say you love me, you say it a lot, it comes from the heart , but when I say it..
When I say it, I mean it with every inch of my body,
I missed you so ******* much, over those couple months I hated myself,
I lost you, and the fault wasn't mine.
And the thought of going through that again..
Truly terrifys me.

You left our world,
blessed with grace.
Your whispers may be heard throughout the night,
but it alright because that reassures you and I,
that I will never forget you.
Either way, I never would of never forgot you.

         I hope you made it to heaven,
I hope you became a beautiful butterfly.


                      You loved them so much, and I asked you why.
You said it holds a deeper meaning of beauty than just on the outside.

And to this day, that is how I think of you.

I love you so much, I hope you grow gorgeous wings and come see me.
Love your granddaughter,
Courtney .

Veins running alcohol through my body,

                 My lungs full of smoke,

      Giving me a high to last a lifetime,

                               Pills coursing down my throat,
Into my stomach they go,

          It may sound gross but at least in that moment,

                                                               I felt some sort of happiness.

You kissed me so hard
                 It turned my lips to fire
     But you were also there
To smolder them to a
             Gentle white smoke
                                 As pure as your
Beautiful soul.

Laying in my bed,
Thoughts of us creeped into my head.

I think of how we first met,
A hot day in September ,
Our friend introduced us.

From then, I knew we would
Embark on an adventure
Truly greater than Lewis and Clark .

I wanted.. No I NEEDED.. Someone..
To show me how to love again.
Being broken that time
Really took a toll
On my once strong hearted soul.

As I'm laying here, I wonder about what you'd do if I was never to return again..
I wonder what I would do
If you left me or never entered my life..
I probably wouldn't be here..
But for the most part I'm happy I stayed.

I felt bad because
I once again..
****** things up
Because of a past mess up.

I'm sorry.
I love you.
Please stay.

Well it's about time for me to go..
The sun arising tells me
I need to head to sleep.
Maybe you'll see me later.

I used to hate the cold,
What a strange thing.

But then I got use to this feeling,
The cold in my veins,
The air, and my heart.

I realized that the cold is
The only satisfactory
Feeling I could possible experience
At anytime.

A cold drink of water,
Trickling down my throat,
Finding its course through
My weary body.

A cold shower,
Finding its way down my spine,
To the drain that lays upon the
Shower I stand in.

A cold shoulder,
Being left behind
Has now become something
I am very used to.

A cold heart,
Something my body got use to
Years before,
My mind even knew what
The cold really felt like.

A satisfactory feeling coursing all
Throughout my body.

Never felt so good to feel
Absolutely nothing but what
I deserve,
The cold,

Christmas

A time for family
Love
Sharing
And gathering

This year
It was an
Untraditional Christmas.

It was had to work around the one present under the tree for each of us

It was odd and completely opposite
Of a normal persons perspective
On this holiday.

But honestly to me
I knew the struggle my parents were facing
And it didn't bother me

Just the one gift under the tree
Was probably the best thing
I could have.

The thought put into that present
Set me to ease and not frett.

Music an escape from reality
A release from pain
A simple chorus
Brings the depression
To an ease

But instead of music doing
That to me
You do .

You make me hold on
Just a little bit
Longer

But it makes me wonder..

When you leave me
Broken and shattered like
A mirror
Will you to have bad luck
Because of me
Or do you believe in
Superstitions like the
Rest of the naive world?

Ever since you left
You gave me hope
Something to grasp on

Now I'm free falling from a
Man with god like hands
To the depressions down
In hell.

I'm left here guessing
How someone so strong
So loving and caring
Could drop someone
With a fragile heart
To fend on their own

Honestly you make me
Question my own existence
And you made
All that my trust was
And will ever be
Evaporate.

Now
I am
Nothing but a fool.

After all of that hurt and worry
through this
Year
The only true person
there for me was my best friend,
with a cigarette
in one hand and
A cup of tea in the other

A peaceful resort for me to
Escape to

Maybe

Or maybe it just me putting my
******* up and saying
**** the free world

Let me be me and do as I please
So that day we both say out
Under the dark starred sky
Smoking cigarettes

Inhale the roses and exhale
the thorns
Cause flowers don't grow when there's a storm.

She's my kind of rain
I want to feel her all the time .
Through the darkest of days
Where the sun doesn't shine.
I want to be the one to cradle her .
In her most times of fear,
That's when the loud cry goes out.
Thunder.

She's upset and she's a mess.
But to me you are still beautiful.
You might have makeup smeared but
"That's okay",  I thought,
As I wiped it away.
The rain took out everything last night. The thunder had now stopped, and the sun now shines.

She is not only my favorite kind if rain.
She's my soul on a sun shiny day.
She's my everything, that the world and solitude can't be.